White lies or red flags?

[Anonanonon]

Recently started dating someone - very early days, but showing promise. However, noticed had a few instances of discovering my date is being economical with the truth on occasion already - for example:

• told me I was the second person she online dated (turned out I was the fourth)
• said none of her exes followed her on social media (actually three do)
• told me (unprompted) she enjoyed a fairly mild sex act (actually not that fussed about it at all)

I can kind of see the case for these individually, I guess - they’re all little white lies, where at this stage in dating she wouldn’t want to put me off/present herself in a better light. But the truth is, if she’d been honest in all three it really wouldn’t have put me off at all.

In fact, discovering she was lying slightly triggers me more as I was gaslighted on many occasions by my ex. So just wanted to get some perspective from posters here - have you done similar with dates past and present? Or do you even think this might be a pattern of behaviour I should note? As a bloke I tend to be quite straight with these things so just want to be reassured!

What context do you need it putting in? Is there any other aspect of your life you need strangers to 'put in context' for you? For example, last time you went to the supermarket, does that need putting in context? Or when you went out for a drink with your friend, how about that? Or does it sound a bit strange, that you might need us to put those things in context for you, because you understand the context already?

In the same way as I might have a mild phobia about something after a bad experience - the thing is innocuous, however a past experience meant I catastrophise it. So by context, I'm looking for more level people - who may not have suffered the same triggering experience - to give a more balanced perspective. Or offer examples of when they encountered (or even were responsible for) a similar scenario and how they dealt with it.

Re point 2, did she volunteer up that no exes follow her, or did you ask and she claimed none did? There's a big difference. I've never been asked, I am still fb friends with some ex's, I wouldn't lie about it as its not unreasonable that anyone would be. I would the it as a red flag that anyone would ask though, and an even bigger one when someone takes the time to search through pics for evidence of it.

It came up from joking around. After we announced we were dating on FB, a couple of guys appeared repeatedly in my “People you might know” feed. There’s a theory that these are often people checking your profile out. They were the same guys who appeared with her in her holiday albums, and seemed fairly obvious they were a couple, so showed her my feed and joked “ooh think your exes might be checking me out”. That’s when she told me none of her exes followed her. But as it happened, they did.

If you have a phobia, you respect it. You don't look to other people to tell you how you should be dealing with the trigger. The context is that you are phobic, possibly due to some traumatic past experience, or just part of your nature. Other people's context is just that: other people's. It's not relevant to your context.

Unless you don't think that your lived experience is enough to equip you? In which case, find a relationship within your comfort zone; relationships aren't meant to be a challenge to be conquered. They're meant to be the thing that cushions you when you've been out conquering your challenges.

Feel the need to add that I looked at the holiday photos because I was browsing her public holiday albums she’d put online for people to look at - NOT because I was looking for evidence of exes. They just happened to be there.

OP - i don’t think you two fir together.
She seems to be highly insecure and into people pleasing. So she is doing that by making proclamations to make you feel special, so you stick around.
And you have an easily triggered sensitivities. And very fragile ego.

If you can’t enjoy a relationship that is 99% good - you are not ready to be in one.
Have you had counselling for your issues?

She got defensive and denied something she didn't need to because you were joking about it and drew a conclusion that she was getting checked out bey ex's. So it was on your mind, you were giving thought to it and never a truer word said in jest. You essentially asked, and she tried to cover it, as a person who is passing comment at all, is likely a person who has an issue with it.
It's early days, you don't know her history ( especially as she is covering it) but that could well be as previous BF's might have used info against her. I've had that happen, so I never volunteer up info to dates about my past. I don't hide it as such though, and if someone chucks the past at you to make a point in the present, it's better to dump.
So I'd say let it lie and don't read too much into it. Stop going through her holiday albums. Yes they are there, but you make the choice to look at them.
If you don't ask, she won't feel a need to lie. Perhaps let her know that you don't mind if some ex's are on FB, if that's how you feel. Let her know she doesn't need to hide it. You'll find out soon enough if there's more lying, but as you say, it's pretty small stuff so far.

"And you have an easily triggered sensitivities. And very fragile ego."

OP sounds perfectly normal to me. It's his girlfriend who has the problems. Whether they're white lies or not, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who constantly lies and then denies that I did or with someone that's so insecure they feel the need to do this.

You sound hard work jealous and insecure and she’s a people pleaser telling you what you want to hear but then stupidly forgetting what she’s said. This is doomed

@Gwenhwyfar

This is why I said they don’t fit together.

She is insecure and tries to please him.
If he was more of a secure person and genuinely wanted to make it work with her - he wouldn’t hang on to every little detail of what she’d said. He’s not kept a mental note if it all, and not compared it to the observations.

He knows she was doing it in the early phase of their relationship - which is now a 1.5years ago. And yet he is still going on about it and overanalysing it all. Drawing overarching conclusions - ‘how can i trust any compliment’ .

While - you could say at the time it was (maybe) an understandable reaction. And maybe he should have left.
But staying; saying relationship is 99% good; yet still hanging on to these ‘examples’ - makes it all not normal.
Certainly not something that can work in the long term.
They are both too damaged to work together.

White lies are lies. People lie for different reasons, and some may be more undrstandable than others, but fany good relationship has to be founded on trust. If one person is lying, there can't be trust. If you know she's willing to lie, then you don't know when she's telling the truth and when she's lying. The nature of her lies also suggest some insecurities / desperate need to people please which could cause other problems in your relationship too.

If things are otherwise wonderful, and you believe her lies come from a place of insecurity, you might want to have an honest conversation with her. Explain you can't bear the lying, it's spoiling your trust in her and your relationship. If she can be honest and admit she lies, and wants to stop doing it, and makes every effort to stop doing it, then you might decide to give things a chance.

Although as a pp said, relationships aren't meant to be hard work. I'm not sure you'd ever totally trust her because of the lies she's already told.

You don’t seem a good match and it sounds like you are trying to catch her out.

What @imagiantwitch said

She's a habitual liar. If that is not what you want in a girlfriend then walk away.

White lies are something we say so we don’t hurt people’s feelings. Your girlfriend is lying to regularly-you know this relationship is doomed

Good grief. Stop snooping.

OP, you sound as if you are obsessively scanning her statements and actions looking for inconsistencies - i felt exhausted and harassed just reading your posts so God knows how she must feel....

Everybody tells their new partner they are the best kisser, the best shag, whatever, in the heat of the moment. Because in that moment it feels true. But everybody in fact has enjoyed sex and intimacy with exes - they just sort of block this out.

Why does she need to tell you whether or not she enjoyed her past experiences anyway? Or how many men she has dated, kissed, whatever. Get out of her head - her memories are her own - they are nothing to do with you!

Honestly I am not trying to be horrible but please try and imagine somebody doing what you are doing to her, to you. It's abusive - you probably don't mean it like that. Scrutinising her calendar, her pictures, calling her out on it all. It's all intrusive and weird and controlling.

You need to stop.