ex dp was generally a decent man I think. Could be kind when I was unwell, was quite quiet and reserved, hard working, etc. Not argumentative.
the only red flag at the start was he was late 30s and his longest relationship had been four months on, then off, then long distance for four months again.
as time went on we talked about a family and he said mid forties was his ideal time, which would have made me 38. He said women always panicked about this but it would be fine because it was all media hype anyway. He worked in research and was v high up so I think felt his view overrode mine on this. I said getting a fertility check only was a snapshot. Eventually he agree to try when he was 40 after I said I needed a timeline or I would have to end things.
it materialised after a year that everyone at work thought he was single and an older woman used to smack his bum in passing and suggest he went out with people in the wider team who were single etc. I asked why he didn’t say he was in a relationship and he just said she said it to everyone and he would tell her next time.
another occasion he went up to get a prescription for me as I couldn’t move from
the waiting area as I was in pain and he referred to me as his friend. I found this v upsetting but again maybe as case of me being over the top.
the first year we were together it was like pulling teeth to go away for the weekend. He wouldn’t take time off and I think we had one full day out together which was going to another city for the day. We eventually went away around 18 months into the relationship for three nights as he didn’t want to go abroad, too much hassle (not a finance problem).
when I was pregnant he accuses me of poking holes in the condom. It was a shock to us but clearly we had been using protection. I found this really upsetting. I asked if he wanted a termination and he said no but didn’t actually mention to anyone that I was pregnant even when I was 5 months. He still hadn’t told his family and was really weird with me when I wanted to tell mine. his drinking got worse and he got pulled for drink driving, actually photographed by a fellow driver drinking gin neat at the wheel at a roundabout. He later implied I had contributed to his state on that day due to our arguments.
I felt really vulnerable about the pregnancy and was quite argumentative, I felt like he didn’t care I was stressed and hormonal. He ended things one day without telling me.. he had been living at mine (and paying his way) and just left. I tried to contact him and he wouldn’t respond. All my messages went through but I heard absolutely nothing. I claimed maintenance as he wouldn’t respond and he pays a fee each month as it’s by collection… the extreme end of CM services. I also have a deduction of 4% because he has not paid voluntarily. I assume that he had enough of the rows and to be honest my attitude was shit in pregnancy, I was v stressed. But I don’t know for sure as he never explained. I know from a very close friend that he’s single, still living alone, still obsessed with his papers and work.
I feel like it was all my fault. He had good points, he was caring, he was generous with money, he was good fun when on form. He would buy food I liked and enjoyed going for dinner or a nice walk. He was quiet mostly. I wonder if I didn’t accept him as he was and that’s on me. Maybe it’s ok to keep the relationship a secret from work and the same with a pregnancy. Did I need to be upset that a pharmacist thought we were just friends. I should have sought help for my anxiety in pregnancy. Is it the end of the world he didn’t want a holiday, some people don’t and at least he was hard working. These thoughts go over in my head so much and yesterday DC asked where their dad was. It all came flooding back, the mistakes, what I did, how I could answer them. I’ve not slept thinking about it.