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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I expecting too much? I feel like a horrible person

37 replies

Treysopp · 22/07/2022 11:05

ex dp was generally a decent man I think. Could be kind when I was unwell, was quite quiet and reserved, hard working, etc. Not argumentative.

the only red flag at the start was he was late 30s and his longest relationship had been four months on, then off, then long distance for four months again.

as time went on we talked about a family and he said mid forties was his ideal time, which would have made me 38. He said women always panicked about this but it would be fine because it was all media hype anyway. He worked in research and was v high up so I think felt his view overrode mine on this. I said getting a fertility check only was a snapshot. Eventually he agree to try when he was 40 after I said I needed a timeline or I would have to end things.

it materialised after a year that everyone at work thought he was single and an older woman used to smack his bum in passing and suggest he went out with people in the wider team who were single etc. I asked why he didn’t say he was in a relationship and he just said she said it to everyone and he would tell her next time.

another occasion he went up to get a prescription for me as I couldn’t move from
the waiting area as I was in pain and he referred to me as his friend. I found this v upsetting but again maybe as case of me being over the top.

the first year we were together it was like pulling teeth to go away for the weekend. He wouldn’t take time off and I think we had one full day out together which was going to another city for the day. We eventually went away around 18 months into the relationship for three nights as he didn’t want to go abroad, too much hassle (not a finance problem).

when I was pregnant he accuses me of poking holes in the condom. It was a shock to us but clearly we had been using protection. I found this really upsetting. I asked if he wanted a termination and he said no but didn’t actually mention to anyone that I was pregnant even when I was 5 months. He still hadn’t told his family and was really weird with me when I wanted to tell mine. his drinking got worse and he got pulled for drink driving, actually photographed by a fellow driver drinking gin neat at the wheel at a roundabout. He later implied I had contributed to his state on that day due to our arguments.

I felt really vulnerable about the pregnancy and was quite argumentative, I felt like he didn’t care I was stressed and hormonal. He ended things one day without telling me.. he had been living at mine (and paying his way) and just left. I tried to contact him and he wouldn’t respond. All my messages went through but I heard absolutely nothing. I claimed maintenance as he wouldn’t respond and he pays a fee each month as it’s by collection… the extreme end of CM services. I also have a deduction of 4% because he has not paid voluntarily. I assume that he had enough of the rows and to be honest my attitude was shit in pregnancy, I was v stressed. But I don’t know for sure as he never explained. I know from a very close friend that he’s single, still living alone, still obsessed with his papers and work.

I feel like it was all my fault. He had good points, he was caring, he was generous with money, he was good fun when on form. He would buy food I liked and enjoyed going for dinner or a nice walk. He was quiet mostly. I wonder if I didn’t accept him as he was and that’s on me. Maybe it’s ok to keep the relationship a secret from work and the same with a pregnancy. Did I need to be upset that a pharmacist thought we were just friends. I should have sought help for my anxiety in pregnancy. Is it the end of the world he didn’t want a holiday, some people don’t and at least he was hard working. These thoughts go over in my head so much and yesterday DC asked where their dad was. It all came flooding back, the mistakes, what I did, how I could answer them. I’ve not slept thinking about it.

OP posts:
ChonkyDonkey · 22/07/2022 12:59

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 11:29

But do you think that you're compatible with any man, as long as he can be deemed reasonable?

He didn't do things how you liked. So you weren't compatible. Some people just don't fit together. There doesn't have to be fault or blame.

You're trying to make a situation where your feelings are irrelevant. But they are relevant, they really really matter. If I can't bear rats, and I find that my partner has got a pet rat, then I can't just over ride my feelings and decide not to have a rat phobia. The relationship just wouldn't work, not because somebody was wrong or 'at fault', but because we didn't fit. Ignoring my feelings would leave me in a situation that'd cause me huge anxiety, because I'd be continually trying to make myself deal with something I didn't like.

That's where anxiety comes from; trying to deal with being treated in ways that make us uncomfortable. And the kicker is that by blaming yourself, here, you are the one who is imposing rules on you, and then breaking them. You are the one saying 'I shouldn't feel uncomfortable, but I keep feeling it anyway.'

Stop judging your feelings. There are no 'shoulds'. You didn't get on with his way of living and his way of treating you. He didn't make you happy. Accept that. Most people aren't compatible with most people, and that's fine.

It's a good education for kids to learn that sometimes, people just don't match, and that we need to accept that, and move on when we get ourselves into that sort of relationship. If your parents had instilled that into you, you'd be dealing with this situation with a lot less anxiety, wouldn't you? Do your kid a favour; demonstrate that walking away without blaming is the best way out of any relationship that doesn't work.

Cracking post, OP, please read this one again. The weight you can lift off your shoulders by 'getting' this will be immense.

noirchatsdeux · 22/07/2022 13:38

You were expecting too little.

It is not normal to pretend you don't have a girlfriend.
It is not normal to deny you have a girlfriend..in front of the girlfriend.
It is not normal to wait until you are in your mid 40s to have children...when my father was 45 I was 24.
It is not normal to accuse your girlfriend of deliberately sabotaging birth control
It is not normal to pretend your girlfriend is not pregnant
It is not normal to pretend your child doesn't exist

The above are 6 red flags on this guy...there's probably plenty more. When I was 25 I let my then boyfriend pretend he wasn't in a relationship with me for 5 years. Instead of dumping him I stupidly went on to marry him...even though he'd always stated he didn't want to ever get married. I finally woke up and got rid when I was 40. I wasted 15 years on that man. I'm now 53 and all I feel about it now is embarrassment and sadness for my younger self, for putting up with such bullshit.

Forget this man and concentrate on raising your daughter to not make the same kind of mistakes.

Original poster
Treysopp · 22/07/2022 13:39

sleepymum50 · 22/07/2022 11:32

Not admitting you were his girlfriend, or telling anyone about you or your pregnancy is NOT normal.

I think doing that to any women would maker her insecure and I think your behaviour was entirely justified.

I am thinking that by not telling anyone about you, he was able to maintain his identity as a single man in his head. He was never committed to you and was always a hairsbreadth from leaving you. Your behaviour didn’t make him leave, he would have left sooner or later because he just can’t handle relationships.

Because no one knew about you, he doesn’t have to explain anything to work colleagues, friends or family. I wonder if he went into the relationship knowing he wanted to keep his options open to bale out at any time.

Please don’t beat yourself up about this, I don’t think you could have done any different.

He is the arse for leaving you with a child.

@sleepymum50 i don’t think he wanted to give an impression he was single. That’s the weird thing. My close friend says he’s not had a relationship since we spilt which was years ago now. It was still hurtful though and I’m not sure he understood why.

it often felt like one thing after another really. I’m surprised to this day he doesn’t care about DC, he never struck me as an unkind man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treysopp · 22/07/2022 13:41

noirchatsdeux · 22/07/2022 13:38

You were expecting too little.

It is not normal to pretend you don't have a girlfriend.
It is not normal to deny you have a girlfriend..in front of the girlfriend.
It is not normal to wait until you are in your mid 40s to have children...when my father was 45 I was 24.
It is not normal to accuse your girlfriend of deliberately sabotaging birth control
It is not normal to pretend your girlfriend is not pregnant
It is not normal to pretend your child doesn't exist

The above are 6 red flags on this guy...there's probably plenty more. When I was 25 I let my then boyfriend pretend he wasn't in a relationship with me for 5 years. Instead of dumping him I stupidly went on to marry him...even though he'd always stated he didn't want to ever get married. I finally woke up and got rid when I was 40. I wasted 15 years on that man. I'm now 53 and all I feel about it now is embarrassment and sadness for my younger self, for putting up with such bullshit.

Forget this man and concentrate on raising your daughter to not make the same kind of mistakes.

Thanks @noirchatsdeux you didn’t make the mistake of having a baby though. And that’s where I feel terrible for DC. I was a nightmare in pregnancy and that probably put the tin lid on it for him. He wa already drinking loads and maybe my behaviour was the final straw.

OP posts:
Mufflette · 22/07/2022 13:54

Without knowing if your 'nightmare' behaviour was really awful or (more likely on the normal end of pregnancy stress/hormones), no one here can say if you did anything wrong. But regardless of that, he's the sort of person that chose to play zero part in their child's life and that has no bearing on you - plenty of people come to dislike their partner and leave, but for the majority that doesn't also mean completely ditching their child. Nothing you did made him into that person but doing that speaks much more about who he really is than things like telling a pharmacist you were his friend.

MangshorJhol · 22/07/2022 14:03

This choice to ditch his child is HIS. He's punishing a child.

Look, some of this sounds a little bit like DH. Who is super kind and empathetic but who finds social interaction EXTREMELY hard. We have been together for 20 years. But he is kind, thoughtful, is the most hands on father. He isn't into big gatherings but would never have hidden me. He told his family straight up, but isn't someone who is into PDA. So he's shy and quiet but he's not an asshole.

Original poster
Treysopp · 22/07/2022 14:08

@MangshorJhol how would you have felt if he’d kept you quiet? Even if you knew it wasn’t necessarily malicious? And referred to you as his friend. I wonder if my response was over the top really. I found it quite upsetting.

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 22/07/2022 14:12

Come on love.

He was drinking gin out of a bottle while driving.

He ditched his own baby and the mother of his baby during pregnancy.

Something very bizarre was going on about committing and taking the world you were together.

He was a crazy workaholic using work to avoid ... something - who knows what.

He is a very troubled man.

Maybe you were difficult, we all are in someways. My DH is difficult but it can't cause me to behave in really problematic ways and take no responsibility for my behaviour.

Bumpsadaisie · 22/07/2022 14:13

I meant to say my DH is difficult sometimes.

CanofCant · 22/07/2022 14:29

If you were a 'nightmare' it sounds as though it was he that exasperated you. I know it's easy for me to say but honestly you are better off without him, he has nothing to bring to the table.

I'm sure you have done a brilliant job with your child, I really don't think she is missing out by not having him in her life. Imagine his past behaviour playing out again but this time with your child in the mix.

MangshorJhol · 22/07/2022 14:31

@Treysopp I would have felt horrible. I was 21 when we met. We agreed very early on that we would spend our lives together. I would feel like he was lying to me. It's fine not to want to change your FB status (DH has no social media whatsoever) but to not acknowledge you to immediate friends and family would upset me GREATLY. And it would upset him too if I did that to him.

But your partner made choices. He made choices to drink and drive. His alcoholism was his problem. His choice to ditch his own child was his choice.
Pregnancy and having a first baby is a very difficult time. I cannot imagine DH being anything but supportive even when I was a hormonal mess.
He was also controlling your fertility.

dessertsun · 22/07/2022 14:45

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 11:29

But do you think that you're compatible with any man, as long as he can be deemed reasonable?

He didn't do things how you liked. So you weren't compatible. Some people just don't fit together. There doesn't have to be fault or blame.

You're trying to make a situation where your feelings are irrelevant. But they are relevant, they really really matter. If I can't bear rats, and I find that my partner has got a pet rat, then I can't just over ride my feelings and decide not to have a rat phobia. The relationship just wouldn't work, not because somebody was wrong or 'at fault', but because we didn't fit. Ignoring my feelings would leave me in a situation that'd cause me huge anxiety, because I'd be continually trying to make myself deal with something I didn't like.

That's where anxiety comes from; trying to deal with being treated in ways that make us uncomfortable. And the kicker is that by blaming yourself, here, you are the one who is imposing rules on you, and then breaking them. You are the one saying 'I shouldn't feel uncomfortable, but I keep feeling it anyway.'

Stop judging your feelings. There are no 'shoulds'. You didn't get on with his way of living and his way of treating you. He didn't make you happy. Accept that. Most people aren't compatible with most people, and that's fine.

It's a good education for kids to learn that sometimes, people just don't match, and that we need to accept that, and move on when we get ourselves into that sort of relationship. If your parents had instilled that into you, you'd be dealing with this situation with a lot less anxiety, wouldn't you? Do your kid a favour; demonstrate that walking away without blaming is the best way out of any relationship that doesn't work.

Thank you for this post, it just made perfect sense to me when I read it, for personal reasons, nothing to do with OP's situation.

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