Do I need to lower my expectations?

[Gio777]

I’m so frustrated, confused and fed up. I have been with my partner for 8 years. I will say that he is a hard worker and does more than his fair share around the house. The problem is that I am getting more and more wound up by his lack of communication and emotion. He can never finish an important conversation, ever. He never talks about anything or makes any plans. I’m not even talking big stuff, I’m talking things to do or things to save for. He can be at work all day, comes home, gets in to bed and falls straight asleep without as much as a word. He can just leave me when I’m upset, promise that he’ll talk about it as soon as he gets home, and never mention it again. Just carries on like it never happened. The worst bit is, he know how much it all upsets me. I’ve tried to talk to him about it every few weeks for years. I’ve handed him all the info on a plate, and it still happens. Last night I poured my heart out to him about it yet again, he said nothing, I fell asleep as he’d been silent for ages. Today - no mention of any of it. I’ve lay in bed feeling so low and he has come in a few times as if nothing has happened, but most of the morning has avoided me. Sometimes he agrees with me but literally does the same behaviours less than hours later. It’s a vicious circle. Am I asking too much from a relationship? How do I get help to move on from expecting different? Or is there possibly something wrong with him/me?

Urrrrrm communication and emotions are a very basic in a relationship, so I don’t think your asking to much.

you accept his shit and won’t change or leave, I’d go for the leave option maybe

No you're not asking too much. He sounds emotionally unavailable and you have needs that aren't being met. My DP struggles with communication too but at least tries and doesn't ignore me. It sounds like he's checked out.

I’ve said to him that I believe communication is a basic thing in a relationship. It does seems to be something that he hasn’t been good at his whole life yet I can’t help but get more and more angry and upset by it. It does feel like he just doesn’t care even though he puts effort in to other things. I can’t help but take it personally and worry I am being too harsh

Random question but is he ex army by any chance? I know someone like this who was in the military and honestly he has zero emotions. Nothing gets to him. He checks out completely with his gf but she loves him so puts up with it.

Have you considered counselling? Or maybe a marriage course if he's not keen on the idea of counselling? DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago and it really helped with our communication. It is literally time dedicated to the two of you discussing your marriage.

We tried relationship counselling years ago but he really struggled with it. He struggled with opening up and hated it. We never finished it and it was a waste of money. I don’t know if any other therapies would be appropriate.

He’s not ex army. He does come from a very old fashioned, authoritative family, and he never had hugs or emotion growing up.

Maybe I’m clutching at straws to convince myself it’s not personal, but do wonder sometimes from his social interactions, if there is some mild undiagnosed ASD traits. I still don’t know what to do about it, but I can’t take it anymore

I think you have to accept he's not going to change. If you stop expecting/hoping for anything emotional from him you won't be so disappointed and frustrated.

Where that leaves your relationship, I don't know. You can make changes for you though.

Do you m mean leave or is there any other changes I can make me for me?

I actually know a few men like this come to think of it. I had another friend tell me her partner is like this. I think men in general struggle with commuication and emotions but with his upbringing on top of that it's recipe for disaster.
It depends whether you can put up with this or not. You must be tired after 8 years. I'm not sure there's anything you can do and it's not your problem to fix, it's his. I'd probably leave.

You could leave or you could build up a life for yourself where you're fulfilled enough without needing or wanting any of his emotional input to just appreciate the chores he does round the house.

Do you think he loves you?

Do you love him?

He is communicating - perhaps in an indirect way - but he is communicating. He is telling you how incredibly hard it is for him to talk.

Whenever people like this are encouraged to 'open up', 'talk about their feelings' etc., It's akin to tell someone who is terrified of heights "you just need to walk along this narrow ledge past the 1000 foot drop for me - look I've done it, it's easy'.

Every time you try and get him to talk about serious stuff, he will be getting more and more frustrated and angry, partly with you, mostly with himself for not being able to do something that on the face of it seems incredibly simple.

It's not impossible it something to do with you (not in a nasty way - neither you nor he will realise it in all likelihood). I find talking to some people about serious things incredibly easy, and yet with others it's crawling a thousand yard across burning coals. At the heart of it for me is a fear of their reaction.

What I can say, is that avoiding as far as possible talking about things with big emotions attached to them isn't wrong. I deal in my own head with all the stuff a lot of people would feel the need to articulate. It isn't wrong, it is different. Whether you both can make that work between you, different question...

Good points. I’m not asking him to open up about his feelings; I actually go through most serious stuff in my own head too, and rarely confide in anyone. Not opening up about serious feelings isn’t what is draining for me. It’s actually the not being able to have an every day conversation or finish a simple conversation regarding running the house, or sorting stuff for our toddler. I don’t regard that as pushing someone to open up about their feelings every day, I just see that as day to day normality, but maybe I’m wrong in that

I didn't quite understand your first post. I wondered if it was like this.

also, you have a child, that's big info.

if he can't finish a conversation about practical stuff, what is the block? How does the conversation end?

I do love him and I think he loves me but he never says it or shows it in a conventional way. I don’t know how to explain it, I love him but I don’t like the relationship? I feel like it I get more warmth from friends and family? I’m probably not describing anything very well. I appreciate that he does his share of the chores but sometimes I feel a good house mate would do that too! Doing his share isn’t enough to make a relationship?

What stands out for me is that he sometimes comes home from work and goes to bed without saying a word to anyone. That isn't just shyness or difficulty in communicating, it's a rejection of human interaction at all. Does he have any friends or close family? What is he like at work? If he's like this in all settings it seems unlikely he will ever change sufficiently to make you happy (and it is not asking too much to have a partner who communicates properly on all levels, or at least tries to).

Sorry I’m not good at making things clear in writing when there is so much to explain!

They get cut short either by he has to leave for work/do something, gets distracted, falls asleep, moves on to something random, or walks away saying nothing. Usually one of those scenarios

He does have friends and close family, and in work he does great and is very sociable. I could be in bed when he comes home and literally he can just come to bed and fall asleep saying nothing. I get he’s tired but I just find that strange! Again, I’m maybe being too harsh. I just find it all very strange. I know I won’t change him, I just wondered if it was just me found it all strange and if I’m wrong to feel drained, and if I need some kind of therapy to change how I look at it

OP ignoring the affection, love stuff

he sounds like me in a depressive episode. Luckily i live alone, but a couple of times at work, i have completely lost track of the fact that someone is even talking to me. (This is a long time ago btw). Certainly my friends and parents have suddenly been asking "are you okay" and then I twigged they were talking to me. This is pre medication. I had to stop driving as I zoned out completely.

going straight to bed when he gets home is another thing that makes me wonder.

I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't been medicated. So just wonder, is this normal for him or is he ill?

I don't think you are wrong to feel drained by it! If he is friendly and sociable at work though it sounds as though he has checked out of your relationship on a profound level.

X post
yes, my colleagues would see social butterfly too, very different away from the office.

has he always been this way? Sorry to ask but does he regret having a family? He wouldn't be the first person to get depressed in that scenario, man or woman.

Has he been like this for the full 8 years? If he's suddenely gone cold I find that odd and he may of checked out.
If he's always like this then obviously it's a deeper issue.
Either way this would be hard for anyone to cope with. I can imagine it must feel lonely. You sound like you deserve better.

This is normal for him, he’s definitely bot depressed. I mean it could be late when he gets home, and I’m already in bed when he comes home and comes up to bed - I just mean there’s no conversation after being gone 12-14 hours, even if he is tired. I don’t mean he’s coming home from work, ignoring us and going up to bed. He’s not zoned out or withdrawn or anything like that

Has he always been like this or is it new?

You just described my ex husband. I literally could have a panic attack and he'd just go to sleep.

We split eventually as the resentment had built up for so long. When we split, he went to therapy and got in touch with his feelings.

We can talk better now, about the kids or anything, but sadly he didn't wanna work on it until it was too late for me.

Sorry I've no advice. Only solidarity. Its hard. You have emotional needs. And they need to be met. Xx

so you got with him knowing he's like this?

you don't have to stay.

i'll bow out now, good luck.