Struggling. Don’t even feel 1% better 1 month after he split with me

[shelly101x]

Hi, I posted the other day about seeing my ex at a festival (thanks all for the advice!).

It’s been 1 month today since he broke up with me, and I don’t even feel 1% better. Am I not meant to feel even a tiny bit better by now??🥴

Literally I feel like it’s the first day still. I wake up every single morning feeling sick, heart racing, and checking my phone - being sad about my notifications being empty (even though I’ve not had a good morning text for a whole month now!!).

I’m still not really eating, and I just can’t believe people feel better after a month. I genuinely do not even feel 1% better. It’s not even waves, I’m just constantly sad and missing him. I don’t think he’s left my mind for a second.

I’m really trying hard to fix myself - I’ve got a psychologist twice a week, I’m going to the gym, I’ve booked some holidays. I’ve realised an awful lot about myself and have learnt so many better strategies to help myself. But it just makes me feel worse that I didn’t do it earlier when I was with him.

I pushed him away due to my anxiety and inability to enjoy the moment with him. I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities and unhappiness that in the end I drained him and pushed him away.

I moved into his house 8 days before, as he said he was 100% certain about our future lol. I had to move out and go back to my parents as I had given up my flat. So it came out of nowhere. He always told me he was never going anywhere, that I am the dream girl for him, how he can’t wait for the future, how he was in love with me etc.

We went no contact straight away, but he has not unfollowed me. I bumped into him last week at the festival. He said he was happy to see me smiling again and proud, but it’ll never happen again as he’s not in the headspace and needs to be on his own for now.

But he kept making comments about how good I looked, how he missed some inappropriate things lol and how fit I am. Felt kinda shit seeing as we were so loving and now im just sort of a body to him.

Anyway, I really want to reconcile once I’m healed but I feel like I’m not getting better because I feel like he is the one and it’d work with him. I feel like even if I show him I’ve changed and I know what to work on - I am so so so willing - he is not :(

Where do I go from here as I’m really struggling and it’s been so hard.

That js hard, I think you probably need to block him on all platforms. No contact is more than just not speaking, if he's following you - there'll also be the temptation to communicate via the photos you post or the updates you do. And don't check his profile, ita just shopping for stabs and holding back your progress.

Anyway, hugs. Break ups are hard

Thank you so much. I know you’re probably right but in fairness I’ve not been posting a single thing at all and I’ve hidden him so I can’t be tempted. But you’re probably right :(

You're not moving on because you don't want to move on.

You're still hoping that one day you'll reconcile, he'll see how much you've "changed" (why do you need to change?) and you'll live happily ever after. So your subconscious is thinking what's the point in going through the process of getting over him if you're going to end up together? So you're staying stuck in this place of misery just waiting for the day he decides to give you another chance.

You need to really accept that the relationship is over. He lead you on and objectified you at that festival, he doesn't seem to have much regard for your feelings. How can you think this is the person you're meant to be with?

I think you've built him up in your head as being this perfect person, and that you're the one who's a mess who needs to "fix" herself to be worthy of him. It's a really unhealthy mentality. You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are, not who makes you feel like you need to change.

I know it's hard, but you need to let him go. Really let him go. Block him on everything so there's no chance of him getting in contact. I know you can't see it now but this breakup was a good thing for you. One day you'll see it.

Thank you so much. I think my psychologist made me realise how much I self sabotaged and how hard my ex tried to make things work. I know him moving me out after 8 days was cruel though lol. But yeah I had a lot of issues that I wish I worked out earlier

Its ok to wish you worked things out earlier, its a sign of good character that you recognise your part in the break up and are making efforts to help your own emotional health. I would recommend DBT podcasts. Theyre aimed at people with bpd but I found them amazing. I almost sabotaged a wonderful relationship, dbt was what helped me heal my trust issues from previous relationships.

Have faith in yourself, that you are worthy of love and respect. And be fair to yourself. On the one hand you recognise your own issues and on the other he was clamouring that you were the only one forever and moving you in, and just as swiftly moving you out. He should be doing some thinking about how he operates as well bevause care is not just about being in love but also consistent and wise action

Guys get over girls by jumping in the sack with another for a distraction. His probably doing that. I’m not saying it’s right…..but it does work (unfortunately)

You seem to have forgotton (as many others do after a breakup) that before you met him you were a perfectly functioning adult. Its not so much him your missing but that you became codependant on him. Your fixating your whole world on him, when the truth is he has moved on.
My advice would be to thank him quietly in your head for being part of your life and comitt to moving on, because what you are doing to yourself now is worse than a form of torture. Your future is all there for the taking depending on your mindset and comittment to live a happy life no matter what. Not many women l know in RL who once they had given themselves permission to heal and move on , ever look back and regret breaking up, painful though it was. One month is no time, of course its still going to hurt, go no contact, read up on it, its the only way to break the addiction and get someone out of your system, other wise it will be a constant drip feed of hope prolonging the process. Draw the line and move on.

It's understandable to grieve for the life you had. Keep yourself busy though. Try to get out every day.

He didn’t try that hard to make things work after only eight days living together - after encouraging you to leave your flat?! And treating you like a sex object when he ran into you? He sounds like a prick.

You're doing all the right things, gym, holidays, psychologist (although a therapist might be better) - block him everywhere and keep on putting one foot in front of the other. You’ll be ok. Better than ok. Give yourself time.

Thank you so much xx

I’m struggling today to come to terms with the fact we were inseparable and now it’s been a month with no contact and he’s just fine with it?! It’s honestly baffling how people switch up so quickly

@shelly101x a few men have done this to me and this is the thing that baffles me too
One used to tell me he'd kill himself if we ever split up (huge red flag I know) and then he ghosted me after a silly argument.

Amazing isn’t it. 8 hours before he ended things, he said he was desperate for things to work and he wasn’t going anywhere. 3 days before we booked a holiday. 8 days before, he moved me in.. the mind boggles!

Its going to be hard if not impossible to get over him while you are still focussed on getting back together with him in future, and you're telling yourself he is The One.

Hi all. So sorry to post again, just deep in thought today and need a hand hold. He made me think everything was okay :(

A few days before, I knew my mental health was getting bad and I wrote him a little card. Apologising for being down at the moment, saying he meant the world to me etc etc. I wrote at the end “if everything will be okay, come down and give me a big old smooch”. I heard him literally sprint from upstairs, tripped down the stairs and came running in with a huge smile and kissed me so hard.
2 days later he ended things :( said he couldn’t do it anymore.

I always remember as well he would never leave a room without giving me 3 little kisses. He’d call it the “magic 3”.

I miss him so fucking much. We’ve not even been in contact and I just feel like I’m dying still. We had everything in common, right down to our desires and wants in life. We were so in sync. I am healing and my mental health is improving but my god I just wanna do it with him.

I just don’t feel like I can do it :(

The thing is, that he wasn't just a one dimensional cut out of a perfect boyfriend. He's a person, with his own shit to deal with, his own mental health, emotional requirements and back story that you don't get to see. He may have been trying really hard to give you what you wanted and needed, but realised that actually, he could not. From his point of view you werent "so in sync", and if only one of you feels you are, then you're not in sync at all!

That's hard to take, but telling yourself this was a perfect relationship, he's the one, and going through all the ways that he was right for you is really just ignoring the fact that, he didn't feel the same. Brutal, but in order to move on you need a nice reality check that, yes this relationship had it's good points, and you wouldn't have ended it if it were up to you, but no relationship is perfect and this one wasn't working for 50% of the people in it and so it is over. He's done you a favour in the long term rather than dragging it out knowing he wasn't in it, and damaging you further.

Drink a glass of water, get your trainers on and pick up and your keys, get out for a long walk, get some fresh air, look at some faces, pick up something for dinner. Stick some tunes on and have a long shower. Watch a film.

This may not what you want to hear but keep concentrating on healing but moving forward, holding out hope you'll get back together will hold you back.
Honestly if you were the girl for him then he wouldn't of let you go, accept his actions now not his past words.
Remember that you are worthy of a man that shows you he wants you, stop giving him your headspace.
You cannot imagine finding love again yet but trust in time you will.

of course you can do it. We all do it.

Stop looking backwards. It's irrelevant what he did before you broke up. He's your ex. You need to concentrate on yourself. Stop obsessing, try to stop thinking about him - there are lots of ways of doing this - some people swear by an elastic band on their wrists that they ping when they start ruminating. Get occupied all the time - keep really busy. I took up running, cycling, yoga. Music. I saw girlfriends all the time. I never turned down an invitation. I meditated. I journalled. I wrote gratitudes and affirmations. I drank too much gin.

Stop talking about him to your friends. You need to look forwards and make an effort to do it. In the process you'll heal and discover more about you.

Lovely op.
What jumped out cat me - and I'm all for taking responsibility for your part in a relationship break up - BUT you're completely blaming yourself for the breakup.
You say you pushed him away with your anxiety.
Big fat No!
He knew you had this ( and lots of people do and still have very successful relationships. )
Possibly as soon as you moved in it got he got cold feet - fear of commitment - nothing to do with you - it would have happened with the most secure person on the planet.
Hold your head up.
He's treated you appalling.
Find your anger.
And not sure your psychologist is actually helping.

Thank you all. I’ve only had one proper session with the psychologist as I can only afford once per week :(

Sigh. I’m still waking up with a heavy heart and really fast heart rate. Still feeling sick all day too, getting a really sharp twang in n stomach if I think of him. And I’m having loads of dreams with him in too.
Can anyone share any hope that this feeling will pass? :(

I'm very old, and can bring you news from the futurethat you will get over him and you won't feel this way forever. You aren't going to die from heartbreak, and it does pass. But you've got to do yourself a favour and try to move forward. This isn't the sum of you, there's a you that lived before you even knew he existed.

Thank you for the reassurance ❤️

Dont be so hard on yourself. we have all been there in one way or another. But, you will only be able to move on when you fully accept that this is over and it seems like you havent really closed the door but left it on the latch just in case. There is no just in case. This will pass but only when you let it go. You are need to find something else to take your mind away from this. Having your heart broken is bloody horrible but no one dies of it and the longer you hold on the longer it takes to move on and find the life that you deserve. block him from everything. do it now before you change your mind.

How could you ever trust a man who loves you in then out after 8 days!! He's not a catch fucking you about like that. As for your psychologist, you need to sack that off, helping you to see you were the problem?

His actions don't match his words, huge red flag. Block him everywhere and take back control of your life. I guarantee you'll instantly feel better not accepting this shitty behaviour.

Good luck xx