A

[drivinmecrazy]

DH came home yesterday afternoon, I was in the garden reading my kindle (not really relevant just giving a
Picture of absolute normality) DD2 (16) was in her room.
DH told me he was going into another room to phone his mother (completely normal cos she's recently been discharged from hospital) as he does every afternoon.

I hear DD2 opening the living room door and the sound of raised voices.

DD comes into the kitchen in a bit of a strop so I ask her what's wrong.
She tells me she asked DF what he's doing and he snapped at her and said it was nothing to do with her and she should mind her own business.

She said he was doing something on his phone with his savings account card.
I went in and nonchalantly asked what he was doing, he literally snapped and asked what business was it of mine , he's allowed his secrets and it's his money to so what he likes. Then tells me he is just setting up a PayPal account cos it makes it easier to pay for things online.

For background , we are a one (decent) income family, have alway had financial transparency. We both have autonomy over what we spend.

DD goes to her room and does she does what all kids do, she googled PayPal and found out that it's used primarily for transferring or hiding money.
I hadn't even considered that initially because years ago we all used PayPal for online transactions but suddenly realised absolutely dont these days now it's easier to pay other ways, which DH does frequently.

So how do I account for his anger and defensiveness regarding his actions last night?

He stripped off to bed before dinner and didn't say another word to us.

What can I say to DD to reassure her when her anxieties are heightening my own??

Bloody hell your family dynamics are stressful!

@deedledeedledum - He may not have lied, I often say to DH I am just going to do X then remember I needed to do Y as well. He then openly told the OP he was setting up PayPal. It could be dodgy it might not be but it’s not for the DD to interrogate her father and start planting seeds of doubt in her mother’s head from a poorly executed Google search.

I think his reaction sounds weird and OTT - exactly the kind of overreaction you might get from someone with a guilty conscience feeling paranoid that they have been caughg doing something suspicious.

From the OP, I'd assume the dd just idly, casually asked what he was doing. She didn't look it up, or suspect anything might be amiss, until he flew off the handle. If my 16yo dd came into the room and casually said 'Hey - what you up to?', I'd consider that a pretty normal way to strike up a conversation, not 'an investigation into my affairs'! His reaction speaks volumes.

If my teenage daughter started looking up something I was doing on line I’d be less than pleased. It’s literally none of her business. If the OP is concerned or simply curious it merits a calm conversation away from the daughter and the OP can then firm her own view of what might or might not be happening.

The OP has said no one in the family has privacy, that’s a dangerous dynamic to set up for all kinds of reasons. We all need private space, we’re are all allowed to have secrets - there’s nothing sinister in that. Apart from anything an expectation of no privacy doesn’t encourage appropriate healthy boundary setting for children moving into adulthood.

I don’t see anything sinister in what he’s done per se unless there’s a back story we’re not getting. A change from convention could be for all kinds of reasons, not least that the DH wants and needs his own space. The OP needs to check all is ok financially but again that should be a conversation with her husband, not involving their teenage daughter.

this sounds odd to me as well.

the teen DD asked what he was doing and he flew off the handle, and insists he can have secrets.

he has set up a PayPal account against an account you have no access to OP.

I would be wondering what’s going on. And also why do you not have access to this account?

Having a PayPal account isn’t unusual, his behaviour is decidedly odd though as is the fact the account is linked to an account OP has no access to.

I'm with you on this 100%