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[drivinmecrazy]

DH came home yesterday afternoon, I was in the garden reading my kindle (not really relevant just giving a
Picture of absolute normality) DD2 (16) was in her room.
DH told me he was going into another room to phone his mother (completely normal cos she's recently been discharged from hospital) as he does every afternoon.

I hear DD2 opening the living room door and the sound of raised voices.

DD comes into the kitchen in a bit of a strop so I ask her what's wrong.
She tells me she asked DF what he's doing and he snapped at her and said it was nothing to do with her and she should mind her own business.

She said he was doing something on his phone with his savings account card.
I went in and nonchalantly asked what he was doing, he literally snapped and asked what business was it of mine , he's allowed his secrets and it's his money to so what he likes. Then tells me he is just setting up a PayPal account cos it makes it easier to pay for things online.

For background , we are a one (decent) income family, have alway had financial transparency. We both have autonomy over what we spend.

DD goes to her room and does she does what all kids do, she googled PayPal and found out that it's used primarily for transferring or hiding money.
I hadn't even considered that initially because years ago we all used PayPal for online transactions but suddenly realised absolutely dont these days now it's easier to pay other ways, which DH does frequently.

So how do I account for his anger and defensiveness regarding his actions last night?

He stripped off to bed before dinner and didn't say another word to us.

What can I say to DD to reassure her when her anxieties are heightening my own??

Don't know why I didn't complete thread title 😂

Sounds like he was frustrated at trying to set up the account and being interrupted

I have a PayPal account and am not an international money launderer

people can be snappy sometimes- not seeing any drama here

And obviously didn't go 'stripping off to bed' 😆

Thank you, that's what I'm hoping, for some sanity to offset DDs anxiety

Eh? I use PayPal all the time for online transactions.

Your husband’s reaction sounds a bit much but your daughter’s questioning and checking up on her Dad is really odd. He was probably annoyed at being questioned by his daughter then his wife when trying to do something.

Why does your daughter need reassurance? It’s really none of her business.

Think she felt hurt by his reaction as normally we're an extremely open family.
No one really gets or expects privacy and it never seemed to be a problem.

I think it was his unexpected reaction that threw her then ultimately threw me.

I asked him later why he felt the need to have secrets and he told me that why shouldn't he because we all have secrets. That really unnerved me because that's absolutely not the way we've been in 28 years of our relationship and 21 years of being parents

Is there a back story. Why is your daughter questioning and got anxiety. Is these marital issues.

Paypal is not used primarily for hiding money. It's a convenient method of paying for many online transactions.
However if your DH has set this up secretly it may imply that he may be planning to pay for services/goods without your knowledge.

That sounds like a very odd family dynamic. Having privacy and having secrets are two different things. He sounds like a man at the end of his tether to me…

I asked him later why he felt the need to have secrets and he told me that why shouldn't he because we all have secrets.

I'd be asking him what the fuck that's supposed to mean. Secrets about money? Nope. That's not acceptable at all.

I'd snap too if people kept questioning me about setting up a paypal account. It's completely normal.

If your husband ends up paying thousands to someone through paypal, you'll see it coming out of your bank account. It hides the recipient but not the fact that a payment is being made.

Maybe he was buying you a present?

I'm aware it's a legitimate way of paying for goods, but why the secrecy and why the savings account registered to it when usually use current account for any purchases.

DD is quite an anxious child, particularly when it comes to me. I had a stroke a few years ago so think she has a lot of (misplaced) anxiety about something happening to me.

I think this has led her mind to thinking (and making me think) he's up to no good)

No marital issues that am aware of. Have a lot of family stressed at the moment , MIL &DM approaching their eighties and all that entails.
DD2 returning home after graduating etc etc.

He does seem to find it easy to switch off from family life while I pick up the slack, but that's been the arrangement for 21 years I guess.

No one really gets or expects privacy and it never seemed to be a problem.

Thats a very odd family dynamic, of course individuals in a family need privacy. What your DH was doing on his phone was absolutely none of your daughters business and I’d be telling her so.

It sounds like you’re thinking he was up to something untoward, what’s your fear here and where’s it coming from other than your DH not wanting to tell your child what he’s doing on his phone?

Using PayPal isn't necessarily dodgy. His reply about wanting to have secrets would be a bit worrying to me if your finances have always been transparent.

Maybe it's just a misunderstanding - I wouldn't leap to any conclusions. Is everything else completely normal between you?

Wait, he's set it up to a savings account? So the payment is taken from there via PP? Is it a jont savings account?

I think the issue comes that his reaction to DD was completely out of character and rather harsh.

Of course he is allowed some autonomy but to turn that around and say that he's entitled to 'have his secrets' and to 'spend His money as he wants' was completely unnecessary and uncalled for.
He's never said or needed his own autonomy or excerpted any control over family money, in fact he's usually the complete opposite.

I don't spend money frivolously but he always makes it clear that it's not an issue and don't have to account for anything. But that's because it is completely transparent.

I don't have access to his savings account but have his card details so can use it if I need to. But it's the only account I don't regularly have access to and only ever know broadly how much is in there

Maybe he's sick of your daughter being a sticky beak and trying to stir trouble. It's really not her business what he's doing on his phone with regards to money or otherwise. Have a word with her about privacy and what is and isn't her business. I really don't see what anxiety has to do with it.

Maybe he was trying to buy crypto, as you can do that through PayPal. Is that something you ever discussed, maybe he wanted to try dipping his toe without making a big deal out of it?

Not too sure why your teenage daughter feels emboldened to question her dad about what he does on his phone

so what, she saw him with a bank card? I really don’t understand how it’s ok for her to question him, and then you come in also demanding to know and essentially emboldening her further

truthfully I’d have snapped at her too and told her to mind her own business about money that isn’t hers.

Also the answer about secrets, maybe he just meant “privacy” which neither you nor your daughter appear to think he’s allowed to have

or he could be setting up a stash fund to leave. In any event, your daughters interrogation wouldn’t have stopped that anyway so not sure how any of it helped.

I would have gone bat shit crazy if one of my children thought they had the right to question me about my financial affairs then went off to research it. You sound quite controlling. Also why do you think that he shouldn't have any privacy ?

Privacy is surely different to secrets??
The point is that it was a completely new and unusual reaction.
Also him refusing to talk to either of us for the rest of the evening, and indeed didn't contact me till an hour ago (again unusual as we're always messaging) set it apart from his regular behaviour.

Anyway you've all given me a kick in to touch which I needed to stop my mind veering into the realms of dystopia.
DD had humorously suggested to me this morning on her way to school that maybe he was using it cos he was in trouble with the mafia and using PayPal to pay a randsom demand for our eldest cos we haven't heard from her in a week!!

Amazing how these things can spiral. Too much time on my hands maybe and just have to accept as we get older he becomes increasingly grumpy and I listen to my DD too much 😂
Just very grateful this thread didn't go into the LTB realm because he's a good man, just unusual behaviour

If one of my kids did what your dd did, I'd have told them it was none of their business.

I don't share my finances with them.

The secrecy is because he's setting up a means of payment which will show to you only as a payment to paypal. Unless as part of your financial transparency you share passwords, he could be buying anything, because you have only his word on where the money is going.

If he was really just setting up paypal, how the frog did it cause a row? Because anyone with nothing to hide wouldn't go off on one, would they?

Wow, I'm amazed at the responses here. I read it that dd went and investigate because her father acted completely out of character and shouted at her when she inadvertently approached him.
He then got stroppy with OP and said he was allowed secrets.
People seem to be missing the fact that he intentionally told a lie about calling his mother and instead hid away doing something with joint finances and shouted at people when walked in on and then shouted stuff about wanting to have secrets. OP this sounds very fishy and I have no idea why people are coming down on you or your dd