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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did anyone else rush a baby with the wrong man because of the clock ticking

52 replies

Medioctiryj · 21/07/2022 10:08

I did. I feel awful about it. I was 34 and everyone had settled down, I was desperate for a family and DP said he was keen for the same thing. We became lax with contraception. It didn’t work out in the long run as the relationship wasn’t fully right and I guess I thought we would just stay together and be happy.

I hate myself for it for the baby’s sake mostly as ex doesn’t seem them at all.

It was selfish and shit of me to jump into it all knowing I had doubts about the relationship. I’m considering therapy as I go over it so much :( lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Medioctiryj · 21/07/2022 10:09

Definitely didn’t mean to add ‘lol’ at the end!!!

sadly not a lol situation

OP posts:
D0lphine · 21/07/2022 10:11

Don't beat yourself up about it.

It may have been a bad decision but it is done. You don't have a time machine and can't change the past.

Agree therapy might be a good shout.

There are many many women who have done the same. Many. At the end of the day time isn't on our side and sometimes a decision has to be made.

Original poster
Medioctiryj · 21/07/2022 10:17

@D0lphine i just felt so scared and panicked that I thought we could sort the relationship later…. Insanely selfish of me and very misguided.

I probably could have waited a few more years. I don’t know. Now I face other problems that I didn’t want like being single for eternity!!

OP posts:
Emarjha · 21/07/2022 10:24

I had a panic about the clock ticking so I married a man I wasn’t totally in love with and had a baby before it was too late. I don’t regret it - if I hadn’t done that I’d be childless. Of course I’d have preferred to marry and have kids with someone I loved deeply but that option wasn’t on the table for me.

Original poster
Medioctiryj · 21/07/2022 10:32

Ate you still together though @Emarjha ? That’s where I’ve massively messed up!!

OP posts:
Emarjha · 21/07/2022 10:45

Oh yes we’ve stuck together. But he’s horrible and I wish we didn’t have to stay together. He never used to be this nasty, he was just a nice guy who I liked but wasn’t in love with. But the last few years he’s become a horrible bully. Partly the stress of kids and increased pressure at work, he’s trapped in a job he hates because of the pandemic and the war. But also I think he doesn’t love me either so that’s why he’s nasty to me. He’s constantly angry and as time goes on he finds it harder and harder to tolerate my disability.

KosherDill · 21/07/2022 11:06

D0lphine · 21/07/2022 10:11

Don't beat yourself up about it.

It may have been a bad decision but it is done. You don't have a time machine and can't change the past.

Agree therapy might be a good shout.

There are many many women who have done the same. Many. At the end of the day time isn't on our side and sometimes a decision has to be made.

Better to be childfree for life than to thoughtlessly produce another human being under abysmal conditions.

jalapenita · 21/07/2022 11:09

Emarjha · 21/07/2022 10:45

Oh yes we’ve stuck together. But he’s horrible and I wish we didn’t have to stay together. He never used to be this nasty, he was just a nice guy who I liked but wasn’t in love with. But the last few years he’s become a horrible bully. Partly the stress of kids and increased pressure at work, he’s trapped in a job he hates because of the pandemic and the war. But also I think he doesn’t love me either so that’s why he’s nasty to me. He’s constantly angry and as time goes on he finds it harder and harder to tolerate my disability.

You do not have to stay together. If you are being bullied by your husband you're being abused. Please don't put up with this you're worth more that staying with someone who doesn't treat you right

D0lphine · 21/07/2022 11:17

@KosherDill yes I agree but what's done is done! Can't return a child!

RaisinGhost · 21/07/2022 11:42

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. I'm like you, I always think about what could have been. But the truth is, we don't know what could have happened. You may not have had another chance and ended up wishing you went for it with exdp. You may have met someone you thought was "the one" but ended up breaking up anyway (happens all the time) and in the same situation. At the time, you were happy, thought you would stay together and both wanted dc. Having them was a reasonable decision.

OK your dc don't have the best dad (like lots of kids) but their life hardly sounds "abysmal". I'm assuming they live a happy life, stable, safe and warm with you, their loving mum. I'm sure they wouldn't want a different family.

Emarjha · 21/07/2022 11:48

jalapenita · 21/07/2022 11:09

You do not have to stay together. If you are being bullied by your husband you're being abused. Please don't put up with this you're worth more that staying with someone who doesn't treat you right

Show quote history

It’s very privileged to say that. Without my husband’s income I can’t provide for my kids. I have a disability, childcare is too expensive and I don’t get paid enough. I grew up fairly poor myself, we were always on the borderline, and I don’t wish that for my kids. I brought my kids into this world so it’s my job to sacrifice my own happiness to give them the best life I can. I plan to leave my husband as soon as the kids are grown up.

user1477391263 · 21/07/2022 12:31

Better to be childfree for life than to thoughtlessly produce another human being under abysmal conditions.

Is it, though? For someone who WANTED kids (as opposed to someone who is childfree by preference?) I know a couple of women who had kids in the same kind of circs. They are no longer with the dad. It's a shame, in that sense. But they have their kids and their kids are great. They are watching their kids grow up, and they will probably have grandchildren some day. I think that's better than living full of regrets.

Emarjha · 21/07/2022 16:08

I don’t think it’s better to be child free. I wanted kids and a loving relationship. 1 out of 2 is better than 0 out of 2.

Sonervousimgonnathrowup · 21/07/2022 16:17

@user1477391263 & @Emarjha
If you’re so selfish, and yes I know having kids is fundamentally selfish thing to do, but still there should be strong consideration before bringing another human being in to this world.
Not just a baby for the parent who will one day give them grandbabies bla, bla, bla…

Sarabbb · 21/07/2022 18:22

I am in the same situation. Got pregnant by mistake at 35 with a long term DP where I was thinking to leave. I tell myself that people split all the time and there is no gurantee that you will stay together forever even if you have kids. But you only have a limited time to have a child.

Original poster
Medioctiryj · 21/07/2022 18:33

@Sarabbb are you together now? We broke up in pregnancy and despite him always saying was desperate to be a dad he vanished when we broke up. Never been involved and had to apply for maintenance. It was horrible but I rushed it as I felt so panicked. To be honest I did go online when we broke up and while I was pregnant just to remind myself that I wouldn’t magically meet someone.

OP posts:
rwalker · 21/07/2022 18:36

Selfish

MrsMcisaCt · 21/07/2022 18:59

rwalker · 21/07/2022 18:36

Selfish

Please tell us a reason for having a child that isn't selfish.

rwalker · 21/07/2022 21:34

That argument is hardly a defence .

Icannoteven · 21/07/2022 21:40

Probably about eighty percent of mothers in human history. I am pretty sure human beings would have died out long ago if many, many women weren't compromising for the sake of their biological clock. Some times it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Having a baby with someone is always a bit of a leap of faith - even men who seem perfect can turn into arseholes once you throw kids into the mix.

Maybe I'm just jaded 😁

OliverBabish · 21/07/2022 21:48

rwalker · 21/07/2022 18:36

Selfish

the plain cruelty of people will never cease to amaze me. You’ve come onto a thread where the OP has clearly stated how emotional she feels about this subject, just to leave your one word judgement?

OP - I agree you should seek some counselling, if only to give yourself a chance to reflect without being critical. You made a decision, and it’s done. I’d bet that you’re a great mum. I can assure you, in my line of work, I hear many, many sad family stories. Some children don’t even get one good parent.

HobnobsChoice · 21/07/2022 22:11

My sister in law did. She always wanted to be a wife and mother and after a few long term relationships with men that didn't work out she married someone who had asked her out several times over a few years. They got married within a year of their first date and started trying for a baby. It took 3 years to conceive as he often worked away. Once pregnant she realised he was absolutely not a good person. He was a gambler and a cheat and often belittled her in front of others. She left him when their son was 18 months. Her best friend, her brother (my husband) and I all had deep reservations about the man and tried to talk to her but she was 33 and all her friends were married with their first babies on the way. Her biological clock was ticking so loudly she couldn't hear the alarm bells.

AllKnowingGerbil · 21/07/2022 22:17

I definitely settled and put up with being treated fairly badly - not violent, but he cheated and put me down constantly.

He was the only person interested in a relationship with me and I was in my late 30s and desperately wanted to be a mum. He agreed to try for a baby and our intention was to make the relationship work but I can see now that it was doomed.

We split when baby was 16 months. My DS is the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting rid of his dad was the second best thing!

I don't feel guilty cos my son is loved and happy.

roarfeckingroarr · 21/07/2022 22:24

@KosherDill that's a horrible thing to say. The child is loved and looked after by its mother. That's hardly a dire circumstance.

You can find love at any age but your fertility doesn't last forever.

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 21/07/2022 22:30

You wouldn't be the first woman who has done it but i do think you then owe it the child to stick it out and make a go of it (assuming the father isn't violent etc of course) otherwise it just looks like you used him to get what you wanted?