Did anyone else rush a baby with the wrong man because of the clock ticking

[Medioctiryj]

I did. I feel awful about it. I was 34 and everyone had settled down, I was desperate for a family and DP said he was keen for the same thing. We became lax with contraception. It didn’t work out in the long run as the relationship wasn’t fully right and I guess I thought we would just stay together and be happy.

I hate myself for it for the baby’s sake mostly as ex doesn’t seem them at all.

It was selfish and shit of me to jump into it all knowing I had doubts about the relationship. I’m considering therapy as I go over it so much :( lol

Genuine question, did any posters consider going it alone?

I'm a solo mother by choice so find it curious/interesting that women went down the path of "settling" rather than going it alone.

[Raises hand] I didn't realize what I was doing at the time - I persuaded myself that it was a great, if unlikely, response. It was quite painful to accept what had actually happened. He was awful and I left when dd was 18 months. She's 14 now and I'm so grateful to have her. She's a fab kid and we have a good life. There's sadness due to her father, but actually I don't think I've doomed her to a life of misery. I've let go of the guilt.

*romance, not response

Give yourself a break OP. Everyone makes mistakes and LOADS of women have babies in less than desirable situations.

Ideal? No. Selfish? No.

Cut yourself some slack. I hope you find a nice partner soon.

Your choice can be pricy.

Not so great dads are 10 a penny!

@anthurium yup I am. My child is wonderfully happy and I coparent happily l with ex.

I think the (unnecessary) guilt that you feel over this will dissipate when your child is old enough to reassure you themselves that you did the right thing.

What's done is done so don't feel guilty and you would not have had the child you have now under any other circumstances, that child simply would not exist. People make mistakes.

Ever since I had my child I say to myself I don't regret a single decision I made before they were conceived because any single change would have meant I wouldn't have had him, I might have had his brother or sister but I wouldn't swap him for a child I didn't know and who knows if I could have had a child at a different time since I was 36 when I conceived or if any of my alternative decisions would have given me a happier life.

Just make the most of the situation you have with your much wanted baby. I know it isn't the ideal but don't beat yourself up about decisions you can't undo and if given the choice probably wouldn't undo as they would mean your child would not exist.

As for the Mum who feels stuck in an abusive relationship, please reach out for help to leave or at least contact women's aid to talk to someone IRL. Xx

I waited to meet someone and although we ttc from 37, I’m too old/infertile. At least you had children!

Better to be childfree for life than to thoughtlessly produce another human being under abysmal conditions.

Abysmal? Really? We’re talking about parental separation, which is very common. We’re not talking about growing up in a war zone, or in extreme poverty, or under a cruel and repressive regime.

By the way, my mum never knew her dad, but she says she just accepted her family situation as it was and didn’t miss him.

Definitely. I convinced myself I was bisexual rather than gay because I wanted kids so much and Exdh was a thoroughly decent bloke. It all seemed like the “right” thing to do, now or never kind of thing. 9 years later and my kids are sad that they have to split their time between two parents, my family and exdh are picking up the pieces and I’m struggling to hold onto a relationship with a woman as I constantly feel so guilty about the chaos I’ve caused.

Obviously many of us have ill judged relationships for many reasons.
I'd never have had DC's if I'd known what their father would become. Luckily for me I scraped scratched and worked for 25 years on my own because he went off with another woman when the kids were toddlers. I didn't see that coming.
Think carefully and consider single parenting prospects before taking the plunge. Not after.

Name changed.
I was 34, he was a decade younger.
After about 8 weeks together we decided we’d have a baby. I had my last midwife appointment on the anniversary of our first date.
I was incredibly naive to plan a baby with someone who was essentially a stranger.
We made it work for 10 years, married etc
Divorced now. Co-parenting has been very hard at times. Our child is smart, caring and lovely to be around. I’m somewhat mortified at the speed of her conception but it is what it is. Can’t change it. I just hope she makes sensible decisions when she’s older. Unlike her mum.

I'm sure plenty of people have. There's no point in beating yourself up about it now. You can't change the past so your objective now is to mitigate the damage.

Offer your child the best upbringing you can. Do your best to co-parent effectively. Create a warm, happy home and don't rush to provide a substitute dad. Be happy and positive about your two person family.

The idea that every woman that wants to be a mother can find a wonderful man, who loves her, wants her, wants children, and is available for a relationship at the right time is either ambitious or naive. There is no guarantee that you will find mr fantastic before your fertility runs out.

Yes, it would be nice to have a baby in ‘perfect’ circumstances, but for many many people perfect isn’t possible. Even for those who conceive within an excellent relationship there can be things that change or go wrong so there are no guarantees.

If you love your baby, keep them safe, provide them with what they need, and help them to grow, then you are a good enough parent. It’s ok to do it on your own if necessary.

I’d rather exist as the child of a single mother that loves me, than not exist at all.

Is he a good dad?

But won't you get Universal credit, dla, council house, child maintenance off him, subsidised childcare up to 85% if you get universal credit etc etc?

Did you read her posts?

I might get some benefits but I’d be poor. I don’t want to raise my kids in a council house. I can’t justify removing them from a nice middle class home just because I’m unhappy that I chose the wrong husband.

I did. No regrets.

My friend got pregnant by choice with a guy she barely knew because she wanted a baby so badly. She was 34 and all of her friends were married and had kids. She was in a long term relationship and he basically told her he never wanted to get married or have kids. They had a mortgage together and were together 7 years. She was devastated as she really loved him. She met a guy through other friends and decided that she was going to get pregnant (didn't tell him that). She got pregnant quickly. He asked for a DNA test to be done after baby was born which I totally agree with. She cut all contact. Her DD is now 10 and has never met her father or any of her extended family. She has asked about them though and the older she gets the more she wants to meet him. Her mother is totally against this. I do feel sorry for her daughter.

You are not selfish. It's not exactly rare for people to have absent fathers. I do and my mum married someone she loved when she was late 20s. I didn't do what you did, but I can't say I wouldn't have. Lots of people will have and they don't feel guilty about it. I bet you're a great mum, just like my mum has been to me.

There were loads of red flags with ex, but I had an abusive upbringing and coupled with the feelings of yearning for a child plus being older i pushed my gut feelings aside and was pregnant in 6 months. One of the red flags was him pushing to ttc straight away. I say in hindsight! We fell into difficulties very very soon after dc arrived. I'm so scared of making another mistake that I have been single ever since. Ex sees dc for brief periods and provides very little money. I do regret that relationship and would love for dc to have a large, loving family. I feel some guilt about this. However dc is thriving - happy, healthy and full of life and we do the best with what we do have.

@IloveStrawberrylaces I read her OP but forgot about the not seeing them bit. Sorry op.

I know that this is an old thread. But I absolutely feel your pain. Society is breaking apart and changing; the norms are not the norms anymore and people don't tend to have babies before late 20s / 30s and early 40s now. Mentally, everything in life is delayed but biologically - everything is still the same! And this pressure falls onto women and women alone. We have to manage our careers, think about how we look, think about how we are perceived, think about our places in the world whilst simultaneously thinking about our biological clocks and how to find a loving relationship....it's bonkers!

I had my two sons with a horrible, immature man who couldn't handle family life. He was shagging around for five years whilst I was at home desperatly trying to bring up my boys, whilst working and running the home...and looking after the dog!! It was the worst time in my life and finally it ended after he got someone else pregnant and couldn't lie to me anymore. I feel such relief. I am 37 and am just so happy that I never married him. I have my two beautiful children and he is barely around..I thank God for that every day.

I have some tough times ahead and am basically asexual after the whole experience but I have learnt the hard way. I am a wedding photographer and although I am so happy for my clients, it's so hard to see young people starting happy lives together when I have just created mess.

I think, if I had my time again, I would focus on stablity and stability alone. I wouldn't worry about what other people thought of me, I wouldn't even worry about being in a relationship! I would just get myself sorted and be financially independent. That's the key to a happy life, in my eyes. If someone wants to come along and make another family with me, then great - but for now I am pouring all my love into my boys.