Where to turn - health visitor / refuge? DH bullies toddler DS and need to leave

[GingerCat34]

Been with DH 18 years. Am in mid thirties and have a 2.5 year old and 4-week old.

Don't have much time to type but really unhappy with how DH treats 2.5 year old DS and I. It started out as me thinking we had different parenting styles but now I realise he's a bully and I wish I'd opened my eyes sooner. Will give examples :

• In last few days alone, he has called DS stupid, an idiot, a psycho, out of control. DS has been understandably playing up more since arrival of his little brother which I try to be understanding of but DH isn't.

• DS always gets hyperactive at bedtime and bounces on his bed etc, he has been this way since I went into hospital to have DS2 last month and DH puts kids YouTube or Disney films on for him before bed even though I've repeatedly asked him not to, so he will be awake for hours staring at a screen every night. Anyway, DH will shout at DS to go to bed / lie down, and if DS does lie down that's not good enough, if DS is lying on his back he'll then shout "lie on your side". If DS gets up DH will say "daddy will rock you to sleep and make you cry". When I tell DH not to do that he says he's just threatening him, but he has on occasion proceeded to rock him which DS hates and screams / thrashes around. So I go and physically remove him and then DH gets angry and says I interfere and don't trust him etc. Similarly if he does DS bath, DS hates having hair washed, and the other night after he'd washed his hair with lots of tears etc, DS started playing with the taps. DH then said "fine I'm going to wash your hair again".

• Seems to be permanently looking for somethjng to tell DS off for and seems very OTT with his reactions. I bought DS a bubble lawn mower thing yesterday and on way home DS was kicking back of DH's seat in car. DH shouted at him to stop and reached behind and pulled DS shoes off while driving, then when we got home said he's putting the lawnmower in the bin, then that DS is never allowed in the car again.

• on same day, my mum bought DS a new car seat and when I went to open it, DH said don't look at him for help opening it (I was struggling with holding DS2 etc) as he didn't think DS deserved it so I shouldn't open it

• the other day DS bit DH on the thumb. DH made a sound like a growling animal and punched the back door which made DS cry. I went to comfort him as he seemed really distressed and DH said I shouldn't comfort him and then said I never back him up etc. After this gave DS silent treatment for a couple of hours and there was a horrible atmosphere so I had to act all fake and jolly to try and counteract it, but I know it doesn't really.

• DH didn't speak to me for two days when I came home from hospital after c section so I went without food for two days. Even when I was in labour having contractions at home he was telling me off about leaving something on floor.

There is more but don't want this to end up being too long. Despite all of the above DS thinks the world of DH which I find very hard and DH takes him to park and plays with him etc. I also don't know how I'm supposed to stop him taking him to park etc or out of my sight when I have a shower. If I try and speak to DH or stick up for DS / myself he tells me not to argue, or says he will leave.

DH says I am too soft and that DS will end up taking drugs and going to prison. I do discipline when appropriate but don't consider DH to be disciplining, but bullying.

I have not left yet as I have had a rough recovery from c section, am only just fully back on my feet and feeling less weak / vulnerable. DH still on paternity leave so hard to make phone calls to anyone right now. However I have spoken with Women's Aid briefly on live chat who said I could access a refuge or to speak to health visitor. Not really sure which route to go down but don't want to hang around. Only have my mum and one friend and neither have space for me to stay.

Also I know it might seem a silly thing to some but what do I do with our beloved cat? I don't want to disown him but equally I obviously can't stay and subject my sons to abuse. It has got to the point where my skin crawls if I see him picking one of the boys up even when he's being "good dad", playful etc. His family and friends think he's amazing and a wonderful dad and I know no one would believe what he's really like.

Just to complicate matters DH has depression and suicidal thoughts, however he won't go and get help with them and despite all of the above, I worry what he will do if I leave and I will have to carry that with me for the rest of my life, and my sons will never forgive me.

Sorry for length but I feel so anxious and confused about how to actually tell DH I'm leaving also, as although he's never physically hurt me, I am afraid of him. But I feel guilty if I just leave while he's out of the house one day and he would come back to find us all gone and then ending 18 year relationship by text or something. My brain feels scrambled. But I know I need to leave.

Thank you if you've managed to read all of this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, he definitely sounds awful and abusive to me. I don't think you can stay with him. Could you stay with your family? Have you talked to them about what's happening? Sending you hugs, I can't imagine having to deal with that while also having a tiny baby.

Your son is 2 this is utterly abusive behaviour - please talk to your healthvisitor for help.

But be careful - this is a dangerous time for you and the kids - your partner already sounds volatile.

On the depression/suicidal thoughts - does he? If you go against him, does the depression/thoughts suddenly come up? I suspect, given what else you say, that this is an act to control you - that he would never kill himself, just threaten.

And lastly, are you sure your DS adores his dad? Or has he already been trained by his dad to pacify him, to pretend to enjoy things so his dad is nice back? How does your DS act when he's just with you? How does he act when he knows his father is due to do something for/with him?

I'm sorry you're going through this especially during a c section recovery. It's great that you've made the decision to leave. You're definitely doing the right thing and putting your DC first. I might be wrong but I'm sure there's a fostering service for pets for woman who are fleeing abuse. I don't have any details, I'm sorry, but maybe something to look into. Or could someone look after the cat for you? I'd happily do it for someone I knew. Also, please don't let your DHs depression stop you. You aren't responsible for his actions. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you.

When does he go back to work? I'm guessing soon if your baby is 4 weeks old? As soon as he's back to work I'd start making plans to leave. Speak to woman's aid, they will help you.

I'm sorry I probably haven't been much help, but keep chatting on here. You can do this!

I think he does genuinely suffer with depression and he does mention it at other times, but if I try and steer him towards a professional for help, say his GP, he flatly refuses. But he does also use it as a justification for his behaviour, like when I confronted him about the way he spoke to DS a while ago (when he was 18 months DH snapped at him for trying to take food off his plate, chucked his plate on floor and stormed off) he said I shouldn't confront him as he has depression.

DS genuinely seems to think DH is brilliant, he cries when he leaves the house but doesn't when I do etc. He doesn't seem afraid of him, in fact seems genuinely excited to spend time with him. I guess this isn't helping the confusion and guilt about taking him away from his dad.

Fuck his depression and suicidal thoughts stuff. Does he say that whenever you look like having an independent thought? And does it bring you back into line?

He’s a shit husband, a dangerous parent and I really think you should just pack bags for yourself, the kids, take the paperwork and go. Buy him some beer so he sleeps well one night and just be gone by the time he wakes up and never go back.

Your toddler doesn’t think the world of his father, he’s playing nice trying to keep from getting hurt or killed.

Depression or no depression op you need to leave this man for the sake of your son I know it's hard but he is a bully

This is one of the saddest threads I've ever read. My heart is breaking for you.

First of all don't even let the worry of 'd'h and his suicidal thoughts, what he will won't do when you leave enter your head. He is a vile disgusting bully and right now you have your priorities right, your sons and that's the only concerns you should have.

When you are able to speak to womens aid they may also be able to refer you to other domestic violence agencies in this area. That's what they did with me seven months ago, they're still supporting me now and to be honest I don't know where I'd be without them. I know you are worried about your cat, they can often refer your pets in to temporary foster care, to be returned to you once you and your children have a permanent, safe home.

You have been so incredibly brave. You your sons and cat do not need to live like like this any longer.

I guess this isn't helping the confusion and guilt about taking him away from his dad.

A father who threatens him, makes him cry on purpose, swears and punches walls around him - a 2 year old - would you let anyone else do that to your kids?

You are protecting your son, your baby by getting away - do not minimise his behaviour, do not excuse him, he's a grown adult, and your children are babies - step back and be objective, especially when talking to people who are there to help you like women's aid - they can advise you, and they will do a better job if they have the full picture.

I think if you want to leave, go to the refuge. I’m not sure a health visitor could help you leave 🤔
Would your husband leave so you can stay in the house?
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I admire your strength.

Could your mum or your friend look after the cat for a while til you’re back on your feet? I’d speak directly to a shelter to get the wheels in motion and then let HV know you have done so. Could you also inform the police and ask for police presence when you’re packing your bags and leaving incase he finds you and hurts you?

Good luck OP you are being incredibly brave.

Please please please leave him. Pack your bags and your babies and go to a council. Or a hotel anywhere.

I’m not sure a health visitor could help you leave 🤔

They're there to support a mother - they are well aware of domestic violence and what is available in support - that's part of their function.

Plus it puts on official record that there is an issue.

Hi @GingerCat34 . Just on your worries about how much your DS loves his Dad. I adopted my LO and, during training, we had to do a lot of work on abuse types and attachment disorders. It is extremely common for children experiencing emotional abuse to display everything you describe - excited to see them, play, loving emotions. It plays into the attachment theory that the child knows, at the drop of a hat, that the adult can rapidly change and it will all become scary again. The only thing some children think to do is display all those lovely emotions to try and keep the abusive adult on side. Of course, as adults we know it is not their fault and nothing they do can control the abusive adult’s actions, but a toddler does not.

This isn’t meant to scare you. It’s more just to make you aware that you are not pulling your DS away from a loving, securely attached parent. You are saving him for a lifetime of emotional abuse (that, who knows, could turn physical) and insecure/anxious attachments. Leaving is best for all of you - I promise.

He sounds absolutely awful. He’s abusing you - giving you the silent treatment for 2 days and not bringing you food after your C section when he should be doing everything he can to help you. Everything for your poor DS sounds horrific too, your poor little boy

cats protection run a cat fostering network for victims of domestic abuse www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/paws-protect

Vocalising the threat of "suicidal thoughts" whether real or not is a manipulation tactic designed to control you to stay. Its a subtle threat that is always hanging over you to keep you in this state of inertia.

Honestly I can see you want out, now, and the health visitor is just going to give vague options and leave you with more decisions. I dont say this lightly as I've been in one, but I would go to the refuge as soon as you can and sort everything else out once you're away from him with headspace to work out how to move forward. There's a freedom in knowing he can't get to you that finally gives you a clear head to make the right choices for your next steps.

I also want to say good for you for realising how much of a bully he is and standing up for your son, even though I'm sure sometimes after your c section it feels easier to stay.

You are saving him for a lifetime of emotional abuse (that, who knows, could turn physical)

It already is physical - 'rocking' him to sleep to make him cry, punishment hair washing etc. It could escalate even further though - he's already threatening it by punching the wall etc.

I just want to say that I totally admire your clarity and determination to keep your children safe. What a fantastic mother you are and I hope you find all the support you need. In your situation, speak to both WA and HV as sources of support, as your leaving journey will change daily and you will enter the danger zone once he knows. Tell everybody whom it is safe to tell. Wishing you all the good luck and strength 💐

That poor little boy, my heart aches for him. I have my 2.5 yo DS cuddling me right now, he has not a care in the world and is surrounded by love. As it should be.
I couldn't give less of a shit about your DH's depression, who bullies a little baby?

There is no excuse for that. Of course you must leave him and protect those babies.
Yes it's natural for your DS to love his dad, regardless of his cruelty. I desperately loved my asshole dad when I was a child. He still had no business being a dad! Poor little guy will probably start thinking he deserves to be treated like that if you stay. You need to leave.

I’m really really sorry to read your OP. It’s difficult to read. Please please find a safe place for you and your children away from this cruel man. I hope the three of you have a peaceful, safe life ahead. 🌻

You poor thing. This sounds horrific - keeping you without food and being so aggressive to your toddler. I can't imagine how your heart is aching.

You are being abused. You DS is being abused. Your baby will doubtless be abused too.

I would get in touch with the refuge. They will get the ball rolling quickly.

I'd also call your HV today and tell her everything that's been going on. The more agencies you have that support you to flee, the better.

Your H's depression isn't something you are responsible for. You could call your GP to tell them about the suicidal threats. And once your gone you could message his family to tell them you've left and suggest they keep an eye on him. Then mute/block them - they will inevitably try to blame you.

This is utterly sickening to read.
You must get help asap, do you have anyone or anywhere to go? His behaviour is cruel and vindictive, what a hideous individual.
If necessary I would go to the surgery and ask for help, you need to get out asap.

Is there a way that he can leave the home, so you and your precious babies can stay? Whatever happens, you are absolutely doing the right thing - you and your boys deserve so much more than this horrible behaviour from someone who should be loving, helping and caring for you all.

That he is suffering from depression and you need to leave, can both be true statements. One doesn’t cancel out the other I’m afraid. I’m sorry to say that the cat shouldn’t figure in any of your decisions.

OP, you’re doing a brilliant job of thinking about how to keep your DC safe.

If you can get hold of your health visitor, she’ll have details of local domestic violence services.

Alternatively, as PPs have said, call Women’s Aid and they will give you great advice.

Please remember to keep yourself safe while you’re making these plans. Keep your phone locked, delete browsing history etc. Gather any important documents (red book, passports, paperwork for benefits, etc) but make sure this isn’t noticeable.

Very best of luck. We are all rooting for you.

Definitely tell the HV