Been with DH 18 years. Am in mid thirties and have a 2.5 year old and 4-week old.
Don't have much time to type but really unhappy with how DH treats 2.5 year old DS and I. It started out as me thinking we had different parenting styles but now I realise he's a bully and I wish I'd opened my eyes sooner. Will give examples :
- In last few days alone, he has called DS stupid, an idiot, a psycho, out of control. DS has been understandably playing up more since arrival of his little brother which I try to be understanding of but DH isn't.
- DS always gets hyperactive at bedtime and bounces on his bed etc, he has been this way since I went into hospital to have DS2 last month and DH puts kids YouTube or Disney films on for him before bed even though I've repeatedly asked him not to, so he will be awake for hours staring at a screen every night. Anyway, DH will shout at DS to go to bed / lie down, and if DS does lie down that's not good enough, if DS is lying on his back he'll then shout "lie on your side". If DS gets up DH will say "daddy will rock you to sleep and make you cry". When I tell DH not to do that he says he's just threatening him, but he has on occasion proceeded to rock him which DS hates and screams / thrashes around. So I go and physically remove him and then DH gets angry and says I interfere and don't trust him etc. Similarly if he does DS bath, DS hates having hair washed, and the other night after he'd washed his hair with lots of tears etc, DS started playing with the taps. DH then said "fine I'm going to wash your hair again".
- Seems to be permanently looking for somethjng to tell DS off for and seems very OTT with his reactions. I bought DS a bubble lawn mower thing yesterday and on way home DS was kicking back of DH's seat in car. DH shouted at him to stop and reached behind and pulled DS shoes off while driving, then when we got home said he's putting the lawnmower in the bin, then that DS is never allowed in the car again.
- on same day, my mum bought DS a new car seat and when I went to open it, DH said don't look at him for help opening it (I was struggling with holding DS2 etc) as he didn't think DS deserved it so I shouldn't open it
- the other day DS bit DH on the thumb. DH made a sound like a growling animal and punched the back door which made DS cry. I went to comfort him as he seemed really distressed and DH said I shouldn't comfort him and then said I never back him up etc. After this gave DS silent treatment for a couple of hours and there was a horrible atmosphere so I had to act all fake and jolly to try and counteract it, but I know it doesn't really.
- DH didn't speak to me for two days when I came home from hospital after c section so I went without food for two days. Even when I was in labour having contractions at home he was telling me off about leaving something on floor.
There is more but don't want this to end up being too long. Despite all of the above DS thinks the world of DH which I find very hard and DH takes him to park and plays with him etc. I also don't know how I'm supposed to stop him taking him to park etc or out of my sight when I have a shower. If I try and speak to DH or stick up for DS / myself he tells me not to argue, or says he will leave.
DH says I am too soft and that DS will end up taking drugs and going to prison. I do discipline when appropriate but don't consider DH to be disciplining, but bullying.
I have not left yet as I have had a rough recovery from c section, am only just fully back on my feet and feeling less weak / vulnerable. DH still on paternity leave so hard to make phone calls to anyone right now. However I have spoken with Women's Aid briefly on live chat who said I could access a refuge or to speak to health visitor. Not really sure which route to go down but don't want to hang around. Only have my mum and one friend and neither have space for me to stay.
Also I know it might seem a silly thing to some but what do I do with our beloved cat? I don't want to disown him but equally I obviously can't stay and subject my sons to abuse. It has got to the point where my skin crawls if I see him picking one of the boys up even when he's being "good dad", playful etc. His family and friends think he's amazing and a wonderful dad and I know no one would believe what he's really like.
Just to complicate matters DH has depression and suicidal thoughts, however he won't go and get help with them and despite all of the above, I worry what he will do if I leave and I will have to carry that with me for the rest of my life, and my sons will never forgive me.
Sorry for length but I feel so anxious and confused about how to actually tell DH I'm leaving also, as although he's never physically hurt me, I am afraid of him. But I feel guilty if I just leave while he's out of the house one day and he would come back to find us all gone and then ending 18 year relationship by text or something. My brain feels scrambled. But I know I need to leave.
Thank you if you've managed to read all of this.