DH doesn’t want sex anymore

Lunatoons · 2022-07-20T23:24:30+00:00

He says he still loves and fancies me. He says nothing is wrong or has changed between us. We’ve been together 10 years and up until now we have always had a healthy sex life. I don’t understand and I don’t know what to do. It’s destroying me.

Blue4YOU · 21/07/2022 00:32

Did he just suddenly say this or has it become clear over a period of time?

Original poster

Lunatoons · 21/07/2022 00:34

I’m not sure for a while it was easily explained away - we were in the middle of a stressful house move etc but since things have settled down and I expected to get back to normal it just hasn’t.

OP posts:

Turnthatoff · 21/07/2022 05:30

From time to time posters of both sexes come on here and talk of how the previous x number of years without sexual intimacy with their partners has eroded their confidence/sense of self worth/ desirability etc. some of the posts are incredibly sad. Even you are already saying it is ‘destroying’ you. Many say if they knew it would last this many years they’d have left long ago. Many (understandably) have affairs.

Posters will tell you no one should have sex if they don’t want to. And that is true I suppose. But to unilaterally take sex off the table in a marriage with no exploration of why, and without discussion, is a form of emotional abuse I think. I mean, what are you supposed to do? It’s not as if it’s an easy thing to talk through with your mum, or your friends is it? You’re left completely alone and unsupported and questioning yourself.

Your husband says nothing has changed. Well, clearly something has.

I’m sorry, it must be dreadfully difficult to navigate all the emotions of this by yourself.

dontdrinkanddriveok · 21/07/2022 07:56

Turnthatoff · 21/07/2022 05:30

From time to time posters of both sexes come on here and talk of how the previous x number of years without sexual intimacy with their partners has eroded their confidence/sense of self worth/ desirability etc. some of the posts are incredibly sad. Even you are already saying it is ‘destroying’ you. Many say if they knew it would last this many years they’d have left long ago. Many (understandably) have affairs.

Posters will tell you no one should have sex if they don’t want to. And that is true I suppose. But to unilaterally take sex off the table in a marriage with no exploration of why, and without discussion, is a form of emotional abuse I think. I mean, what are you supposed to do? It’s not as if it’s an easy thing to talk through with your mum, or your friends is it? You’re left completely alone and unsupported and questioning yourself.

Your husband says nothing has changed. Well, clearly something has.

I’m sorry, it must be dreadfully difficult to navigate all the emotions of this by yourself.

This.

You need to discuss further

jammiewhammie65 · 21/07/2022 08:25

This seems very strange. So has he lost his sex drive altogether ? Does he still masturbate ? If he still has a sex drive then he would want sex surely ? If he has lost his drive he needs to visit the doctors You need to talk to him more.

Original poster

Lunatoons · 21/07/2022 08:47

He says life is too stressful at the moment and it’s killed his drive. I think he still masturbates though. I can’t help feel like it’s me.

OP posts:

Turnthatoff · 21/07/2022 09:04

It is odd that it it’s been ‘healthy’ until recently. Normally these things taper off over a period. I know mumsnet is always eager to shout ‘HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!’ but….?

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/07/2022 09:14

Posters will tell you no one should have sex if they don’t want to. And that is true I suppose. But to unilaterally take sex off the table in a marriage with no exploration of why, and without discussion, is a form of emotional abuse I think. I mean, what are you supposed to do? It’s not as if it’s an easy thing to talk through with your mum, or your friends is it? You’re left completely alone and unsupported and questioning yourself.

This is so true - it leaves you questioning yourself and the feelings of rejection are utterly soul destroying. Has he said how he sees your marriage progressing given he’s unilaterally decided he wants to be celibate and, by default, you will be too? Has he agreed to speak to his doctor or a therapist to understand his lack of desire, is ED a factor that he maybe is struggling to talk about?

In any case for one person to significantly shift the goalposts of your marriage unilaterally is abusive.

YRGAM · 21/07/2022 09:14

So he's given you a reason, then - he is stressed. Maybe take sex/intercourse off the table for a couple of months and just concentrate on being close to each other physically, touching, hugging, kissing, etc? That might help him relax more and take the pressure off, because believe me he'll be well aware of how you feel about this.

Are things OK in the relationship generally? Do you chat, do you trust each other, do you listen to each other's problems? There's a myth on this website (I'm not saying you think this, I definitely didn't get that impression from your post) that men are walking penises who just want sex regardless of the context, and that if they don't it's either an affair or they don't find their partner attractive. Sex can be complicated for men, too!

jammiewhammie65 · 21/07/2022 09:47

Lunatoons · 21/07/2022 08:47

He says life is too stressful at the moment and it’s killed his drive. I think he still masturbates though. I can’t help feel like it’s me.

It hasn't killed his drive though if he still masturbates ? More talking is need I think this does not add up.

YRGAM · 21/07/2022 10:41

jammiewhammie65 · 21/07/2022 09:47

It hasn't killed his drive though if he still masturbates ? More talking is need I think this does not add up.

Show quote history

It doesn't work like that. Men can still masturbate and not have a sex drive.

maranella · 21/07/2022 10:48

He says nothing is wrong or has changed between us.

Which is a lie, isn't it, because before he wanted to have sex with you and now he doesn't, so something very fundamentally has changed.

Stress can have a big impact on someone's desire for intimacy, but you say that the stress in your lives has now dialled down a lot, so is he stressed about something else? Is work stressful, do you have stresses related to kids, parents, money, or something else?

Have you both just got out of the habit of having sex and so he's found other ways to compensate, like masturbation, which takes less effort, thought, pressure, etc?

Is he shutting down communication on the subject, because I think that is maybe the bigger issue - the two of you are not able to talk honestly about what is going on and why. It sounds like for you this is a deal breaker and a sexless existence is not one you want, so would he go to relationship counselling so you can discuss it in a neutral space, if a one-to-one discussion isn't going to happen?

Joey69 · 21/07/2022 11:01

Lunatoons · 21/07/2022 08:47

He says life is too stressful at the moment and it’s killed his drive. I think he still masturbates though. I can’t help feel like it’s me.

my sex drive was killed when I was going through redundancy, I was so worried about losing my job, what would my partner think, would she leave, would I get another job, how would we pay the mortgage etc, it killed my sex drive stone dead and took months to recover, it was nothing to do with my partner and was all in my head

ATrueBlue · 21/07/2022 15:05

I could have written your post word for word @Lunatoons so you have my full understanding. It's especially shit as PP have said it's not something that's deemed a "common" problem so it's not like you can really speak to friends about it. My DP still masturbates which adds further insult to injury. @YRGAM do you mind me asking if you're a man? And if so, can you explain how a man can have no sex drive but still masturbate? Not being goady, genuinely interested as I've always (perhaps wrongly) assumed that DP is lying when he tells me he has no sex drive (because he still masturbates fairly frequently)

Joey69 · 21/07/2022 18:33

can you explain how a man can have no sex drive but still masturbate?

personally I would say they are different things, masturbation gives you the quick release, but sex is about the connection that comes from your sex drive and being with you partner, hard to put into words

ATrueBlue · 21/07/2022 19:01

Thanks for the reply @Joey69, appreciate it. So even if a man genuinely does have a low libido he may still watch porn/masturbate? It's good to hear from a male perspective as I think women (myself included) often find it odd when a man isn't up for sex and it can be hard not to take constant rejection personally particularly when our DP/DHs still masturbate. I think I would accept my situation better if DP didn't masturbate as rejection would seem more of a depression/medical issue as opposed to an issue with me/us if that makes sense?

Joey69 · 21/07/2022 19:18

@ATrueBlue i think you have to take everything into consideration, when I was given my 90 days notice we had not long bought a house together, so we had a big mortgage and potentially very little income, so it was a very stressful time for me and just the thought of having sex was absolutely pushed to the bottom of the pile of things to deal with, and an occasional “stress relief” sometimes helped.

BUT, I’m only one person so your situation could be different to mine, but if is still masturbating then everything physically is probably still working okay,

hope this helps you

YRGAM · 21/07/2022 19:26

ATrueBlue · 21/07/2022 15:05

I could have written your post word for word @Lunatoons so you have my full understanding. It's especially shit as PP have said it's not something that's deemed a "common" problem so it's not like you can really speak to friends about it. My DP still masturbates which adds further insult to injury. @YRGAM do you mind me asking if you're a man? And if so, can you explain how a man can have no sex drive but still masturbate? Not being goady, genuinely interested as I've always (perhaps wrongly) assumed that DP is lying when he tells me he has no sex drive (because he still masturbates fairly frequently)

@ATrueBlue I am a man, yes (or 'Man here,' as I understand I'm supposed to put it...)

I think women often don't realise that in the wrong situations or when they're in the wrong state of mind, sex can bring an awful lot of pressure for men. In the main, men are conditioned to think that sex is about making sure the woman is satisfied and that her pleasure should come before his, so that in itself often means that it can be hard to fully let go and enjoy yourself as you're constantly worrying about whether your partner is enjoying it (PE adds a whole additional side to this as well). This means that sex always brings an element of having to 'perform'.

This is compounded by the misunderstanding many women have about the male attitude to sex. We are fully aware that if we do not want to have sex, or especially if we have erectile distinction, our partners' first thought will be that we do not fancy them any more, even though this might not be the case. This is an additional source of pressure.

So as @Joey69 put it, men can want a sexual release (which is solved by masturbating) but not have a 'sex drive' in that they want to actually have sex with another person, iyswim. I suppose you could say men in this situation still have a libido but not a sex drive (as in, a drive to have sex). I'm not saying at all that this is your situation, but for a lot of men masturbation can be preferable to the pressure and subplots of sex with their partner. I know I feel this sometimes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the male relationship with sex is a lot more complicated, and a lot more susceptible to outside influences, than many women think it is. Sorry for the essay!

Original poster

Lunatoons · 21/07/2022 23:24

I tried talking to him about it tonight and didn’t get anywhere. He isn’t having an affair. He is still interested in masturbating/ porn. He said he’s still attracted to me just doesn’t want sex. Doesn’t know why. And I’m supposed to just accept it and live this way forever?! I don’t think I can. He dared to say he’s gotten tired of always being the one who initiates things. I admit that traditionally has been our pattern but recently I have initiated plenty. And been rejected plenty.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 22/07/2022 07:58

He doesn’t want sex, you do, so it’s the end of the relationship if he’s not going to attempt to solve the problem.

Joey69 · 22/07/2022 09:29

Agree with @KangarooKenny he if doesn’t want sex (with you), that’s his choice, but it’s your choice to stay (or not) if that’s not what you want, and I would say the same to a man as well, don’t stay with any woman who has removed sex from the relationship ( assuming you still want sex )

ATrueBlue · 22/07/2022 09:52

Thank you both @YRGAM and @Joey69 for your perspectives, it's really helped. Obviously it won't change my situation, but it has allowed me to see things from a different point of view and to not take it so personally/feel so resentful when I am rejected. It makes a lot of sense what you're both saying about a difference between libido and sex drive. I have been guilty of asking DP "is it because you don't fancy me anymore?", and he got quite annoyed, now I understand why he possibly reacted like that. I do think it's potentially a slippery slope though if men frequently turn down sex though (and still masturbate) as it may become so habitual that they just stop bothering altogether about sex iyswim. My fear is that if I stop initiating altogether, then it would just never happen as DP would be quite happy to jusy attend to himself and let me do the same. But equally, I hate coming across as sex pesty/desperate. Do you think the best thing is to take it off the table completely and see what happens?

Joey69 · 22/07/2022 10:47

I would say take sex (intercourse), off the table, but keep up other intimacy, kissing cuddling in bed, intimate touching etc, I know it sounds crappy but you need to let him know that sex is is available and hopefully he will take you up on the offer,

BUT is clearly up to you to decide how long to wait.

KangarooKenny · 22/07/2022 10:56

Is he looking at porn ?

Blackmoggy · 22/07/2022 11:16

Turnthatoff · 21/07/2022 05:30

From time to time posters of both sexes come on here and talk of how the previous x number of years without sexual intimacy with their partners has eroded their confidence/sense of self worth/ desirability etc. some of the posts are incredibly sad. Even you are already saying it is ‘destroying’ you. Many say if they knew it would last this many years they’d have left long ago. Many (understandably) have affairs.

Posters will tell you no one should have sex if they don’t want to. And that is true I suppose. But to unilaterally take sex off the table in a marriage with no exploration of why, and without discussion, is a form of emotional abuse I think. I mean, what are you supposed to do? It’s not as if it’s an easy thing to talk through with your mum, or your friends is it? You’re left completely alone and unsupported and questioning yourself.

Your husband says nothing has changed. Well, clearly something has.

I’m sorry, it must be dreadfully difficult to navigate all the emotions of this by yourself.

It's never "understandable" to have an affair....!