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Original poster

How To Uninvite Someone (Wedding)?

43 replies

Cloud16 · 20/07/2022 20:24

I've been friends (close friends) with this person for 10 years.

A lot has happened in those years and as I'm getting older, I'm realising that her actions are normally very selfish and hurtful to those around her.

An example is that she often has affairs, sometimes cheating on the person she's with at the time, and other times being the OW.

I turned a blind eye to this and told myself oh well it doesn't affect me so it's OK as we still have a good time when we see each other (I realise this is wrong on reflection).

Anyway, she's now in a situation where she's seeing a married man who is 25 years old and has a son. I understand this is the man's fault as my friend is single and if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. I'm not placing the blame on her. But, when he said he didn't want to leave his wife because of how it may affect his son, she told me that his son will get over it, and his son needs to F off and grow up. Her lack of care towards an innocent child is what really riled me up. I was just in shock tbh. It put me off her massively.

This comment happened just after I gave over the invite to the wedding.

Time has passed and her selfishness seems more apparent to me than ever. She has told people she's coming to our mutual friend's baby shower, and then not paid the deposit (£15 which I know she can afford) and others have paid more to cover. Then she just didn't turn up, even though we had to cover the cost as it was per head. Its a small thing, but she just really doesn't care. Then she sent a strange card to our friend with a keyring inside saying friends forever... it was just strange.

Anyway, the wedding is costing a fortune. She's already done the same with my hen do as she did with the baby shower situation. I'm terrified I'll pay 100s for her to be there and then she and her DD won't show as it'll really piss me off and I have enough to worry about. She said she will be there but I just know she won't be. I've excluded her from the final numbers but haven't told her yet.

Do you think I should just exclude her from the final numbers and just not tell her and hope she doesn't show? Or do you think I should uninvite her? I'm actually concerned she shows up but at the same time the chances of that are really low as the wedding isn't near her and she isn't the type to make an effort.

I've considered sending a text saying that I just can't have people letting me down on the day as its too expensive per head or something...

I'm also in the process of distancing myself from her. Don't know why it's taken me this long to realise.

OP posts:

Annoyedwithmyself · 20/07/2022 20:29

If you're distancing yourself anyway then yes, do that if she bailed on the hen do with no notice.

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/07/2022 20:29

Clearly you’ve got misgivings regard her behaviour,DNA the hen do etc.So yes bite it and uninvite her. Be prepared for her being cross and you need to honestly reply why she’s not invited eg the hen do and baby shower behaviour. People drift it’s unfortunate but it happens . You genuinely don’t seem to like her

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 20/07/2022 20:30

You can’t just not include her in the numbers and not tell her. You know she will turn up if you do that.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2022 20:32

Tell her that you don’t want to be friends anymore because it sounds like you don’t and that she’s not invited

mnahmnah · 20/07/2022 20:34

When is the wedding?

I would send her a message saying you have had to change your guest list for reasons to do with the venue and sorry but there won’t be a place for her anymore. She’s bound to find out the truth but you can deal with the fallout after the wedding. I wouldn’t want any fallout before the wedding

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 20/07/2022 20:35

You have to tell her, the laws of fuckery mean she WILL turn up if you don't.

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/07/2022 20:36

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 20/07/2022 20:35

You have to tell her, the laws of fuckery mean she WILL turn up if you don't.

Absolutely agree. Laws of fuckery dictate the serial DNA will arrive early, bright & keen

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 20/07/2022 20:36

I'd send her a message explaining that since she has not shown up to two important events with no notice, you now no longer trust that she'll not do the same on your wedding day and that is a risk you cannot take. Therefore she is no longer invited so you can prioritise other close friends who will honour their commitments.

I mean your friendship is fucked either way so say what you want I suppose! The above feels less cruel than just "I think you're a cheat, a liar, unreliable, thoughtless, mean and untrustworthy"

Original poster

Cloud16 · 20/07/2022 20:37

@mnahmnah the wedding is early November. Yeah, I don't want a fallout before the wedding. I just don't have the energy for it tbh. This is something to think about, thanks.

I've never 'broken up' with a friend before so I'm just unsure how to go about it.

Thanks for all the replies so far.

OP posts:

Zone2NorthLondon · 20/07/2022 20:40

Do be truthful and don’t invent a convoluted reason. Disinvited because of previous DNA. Too unreliable and you have other potential guests who will def attend. Now isn’t the time to take her to task regard her relationships and OW drama. Let that slide, stick to the DNA as a reason. Keep it simple

stupidly · 20/07/2022 20:41

What happened with the hen do? Had other people covered her cost?
I think that's good reason ...

Original poster

Cloud16 · 20/07/2022 20:41

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea yeah, I think I just need to be honest about it. I know, I can't just say 'I just think you're a bit of an arsehole' 👀. I think offering an explanation like this is a good idea, thanks.

The laws of fuckery 😂

OP posts:

Goawayangryman · 20/07/2022 20:41

I think in this sort of situation kind honesty is the best policy. Don't not tell her, that would be unkind and awkward, but equally don't let her come.

Just say something like, time has passed since the invites went out and I'm worried we will both be uncomfortable if you come, given we have grown apart, sort of thing.. and then if she kicks up a stink you can factually state why you don't want to continue the friendship... Like, you're a fun person and we have had some great times which I value but I find it hard to deal with your choices. Then, it's not about her character but her behaviour.

Original poster

Cloud16 · 20/07/2022 20:43

Yes @stupidly she said she would be there, was reminded about the deposit about 3 times, the organiser paid it because she was insistent she would come but 'would get the money over when she could'. Then she just didn't show up. Again, it wasn't a huge sum, I think it was about £30 all in.

OP posts:

mnahmnah · 20/07/2022 20:45

You see I’m all for honesty usually. But with someone like her, she will just reply that of course she will turn up, convince you to let her come etc. then not turn up. I think I’m this situation it is just better blaming the venue and saying she’s no longer got a place

Goawayangryman · 20/07/2022 20:46

Similarly you can mention the no shows as choices.

And then do. Not.enter. further..discussion !

Because this kind of person will make a show of "I didn't come to the hen do because Xyz how could you exclude me you cruel person?!"

pictish · 20/07/2022 20:48

Hmm I relate a bit. I’m not about to get married or anything but have recently begun to see a friend through fresh eyes. Known her 10 years. She’s irresponsible, selfish and has terrible judgement. Frankly I just find myself going ‘wtf?’ in my head more and more these days.
She needs to get a grip but I don’t think she ever will. Going off her quite rapidly atm.

Goawayangryman · 20/07/2022 20:48

Disagree with blaming the venue. It's dishonest. The OP should own it and say nope, as that leaves less room for negotiation

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 20/07/2022 20:49

I'd chance it. Nearly every wedding I know has had cancellations on the day, so if she does turn up you could be ok.

if you uninvite her would she show up anyway? Is she unhinged?

Original poster

Cloud16 · 20/07/2022 20:49

@mnahmnah yeah this is what she does. It's so frustrating.

OP posts:

cushioncovers · 20/07/2022 20:51

You've only got two choices, you either do nothing and let her come to the wedding then ghost her and get rid of her or you rescind the invite, face the backlash and then ghost her. There's no magic way to do it before the wedding without some sort of unpleasantness.

Goawayangryman · 20/07/2022 20:53

And Pictish I reckon you should do the same but without the event showdown... Best just to say, really sorry, we had fun times but I am really struggling with some of your choices and think probably best if we go our separate ways. Easier said than done though. Most decent people naturally get the friendship attrition thing and don't need it shoved in their faces.

dudsville · 20/07/2022 20:54

Awful situation. I think you have to tell her so that you don't worry whether she'll attend. Tbh, if it were me, I'd just say costs are higher than expected so you've reduced the number of guests, no need for total honesty in the lead up to your wedding. You can have the chat at a later date.

Original poster

Cloud16 · 20/07/2022 20:55

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov I highly doubt she will show up. She wouldn't cause a scene in the venue either. All she would do is plaster stuff all over social media probably and I can deal with that.

@pictish yes to the wtf moments. I'm by no means self righteous and I know people make mistakes (I make plenty!) But she just doesn't care about anyone else or how her actions affect others and she's always chasing men who are absolutely awful to her and will put them before her DD and everyone else. I just struggle to listen to it and watch it now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cloud16 · 20/07/2022 20:58

Thanks @dudsville I think I have to tell her too. I really don't think she will show but there's always a small chance so probably best to just say.

OP posts:

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