How To Uninvite Someone (Wedding)?

[Cloud16]

I've been friends (close friends) with this person for 10 years.

A lot has happened in those years and as I'm getting older, I'm realising that her actions are normally very selfish and hurtful to those around her.

An example is that she often has affairs, sometimes cheating on the person she's with at the time, and other times being the OW.

I turned a blind eye to this and told myself oh well it doesn't affect me so it's OK as we still have a good time when we see each other (I realise this is wrong on reflection).

Anyway, she's now in a situation where she's seeing a married man who is 25 years old and has a son. I understand this is the man's fault as my friend is single and if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. I'm not placing the blame on her. But, when he said he didn't want to leave his wife because of how it may affect his son, she told me that his son will get over it, and his son needs to F off and grow up. Her lack of care towards an innocent child is what really riled me up. I was just in shock tbh. It put me off her massively.

This comment happened just after I gave over the invite to the wedding.

Time has passed and her selfishness seems more apparent to me than ever. She has told people she's coming to our mutual friend's baby shower, and then not paid the deposit (£15 which I know she can afford) and others have paid more to cover. Then she just didn't turn up, even though we had to cover the cost as it was per head. Its a small thing, but she just really doesn't care. Then she sent a strange card to our friend with a keyring inside saying friends forever... it was just strange.

Anyway, the wedding is costing a fortune. She's already done the same with my hen do as she did with the baby shower situation. I'm terrified I'll pay 100s for her to be there and then she and her DD won't show as it'll really piss me off and I have enough to worry about. She said she will be there but I just know she won't be. I've excluded her from the final numbers but haven't told her yet.

Do you think I should just exclude her from the final numbers and just not tell her and hope she doesn't show? Or do you think I should uninvite her? I'm actually concerned she shows up but at the same time the chances of that are really low as the wedding isn't near her and she isn't the type to make an effort.

I've considered sending a text saying that I just can't have people letting me down on the day as its too expensive per head or something...

I'm also in the process of distancing myself from her. Don't know why it's taken me this long to realise.

October - just ghost her until then and I'm sure she'll get the hint.

She sounds like the type of drama Queen to absolutely kick off about not making the cut due to the “venue’s” fuck up anyway, so there is no point in lying.

Don’t use the money excuse OP either as eventually you’ll have to bite the bullet and just say you don’t like who she is as a person anymore.

Is she part of a friendship group which would make things awkward between now and wedding? If not, just bite the bullet, uninvite her and cut her off and go nc. If she is, withdraw, stop replying to messages etc then closer to the time do it.

There’s no scenario here where it’ll all be sweetness and light and easy sadly.

'As you didn't come to the hen do I don't want to be out of pocket if you choose not to attend last min so I've taken you off the guest list. Hope you understand, it's expensive and you're unreliable. Thanks'

Just tell her you’re scaling back on numbers and can’t afford to have someone who might be a no-show. If she kicks off, so what - you’ve already decided to pretty much end the friendship anyway. Be firm and stick to your guns, it’s your wedding, don’t let anyone else mar things for you.

I can’t stand ‘friends’ like this and I don’t give them any space now. Congrats on your upcoming wedding! 💐

“@pictish yes to the wtf moments. I'm by no means self righteous and I know people make mistakes (I make plenty!) But she just doesn't care about anyone else or how her actions affect others and she's always chasing men who are absolutely awful to her and will put them before her DD and everyone else. I just struggle to listen to it and watch it now.”

Yes I do relate. I’m generally sympathetic to the bad time/poor choice/lesson learned without judgement schtick having done all of them myself…but my pal is just making me balk now. She’s currently mooning after the most revolting man, yet he dangles her on a piece of string and she goes running. Knows he’s a bad lot…doesn’t care. Has kids. Wants the creature. Fuck sake.

'As you didn't come to the hen do I don't want to be out of pocket if you choose not to attend last min so I've taken you off the guest list. Hope you understand, it's expensive and you're unreliable. Thanks'

Yes! I'd send something similar to this. And give the example of the hen do, it is fair enough.

Of course you must tell her in advance.

You don't want to be looking around on your wedding day to see whether or not she will be there. And then the awkwardness of having to sort things out if she does turn up.

I'd be tempted to take the bill by the horns and send a message along the following lines ...

"I've given this a lot of thought and feel that I need to withdraw your invitation to my wedding. This is for a number of reasons but particularly as you didn't turn up at my hen party."!

I would send her something on the lines of as she didn't make it to your hen do (and other let downs if applicable) you've had to come to the difficult decision to exclude her from your wedding as numbers are tight. You understand and apologise for any upset caused to her and best wishes. Do it now to allow the dust to settle and never see this awful person again. I'm sure you’re not the only person to back away.

Thanks all! I'm going with the hen do as a reason to withdraw her invite. I can't have people letting me down on the day, it's too expensive. I'll just explain this to her.

I think it's best to uninvite her and you could use the hen do/baby shower as your reasoning. Tell her that in light of this, you're not willing to take the risk of her not turning up on the day, especially when those places could have been given to someone else. Obviously that'll be the end of your friendship but sounds like it's a sticking plaster which just needs to be ripped off rather than peeled away gently.

You'll probably have a much nicer day without her there too!

following for update

Update:

I uninvited them and now it's all very awkward. They had been moaning to my friends about the cost of attending and that they weren't sure if they would make the day. This was after the RSVP date had passed. My friend asked if I had been made aware and they said no they didn't want to tell me.

They didn't take it well. Insisted they'd do what they could, they wanted to be there blah blah but I was quite firm that I couldn't have any maybes due to the expense.

Deflect.

If you ban her for her moral choices, it won't go down nicely. She could bitch about you on facebook but...

Deflect blame someone else.

" We are on a tight budget for the wedding and the in-laws and soon to be husband are worried about no-shows since they have had a few for the pre -wedding gathering meals and were out of pocket. The in-laws and husband have decided that they are reducing the number of guests. Because you didn't turn up for the hen night as promised , husband and in-laws feel that you are highly unlikely to turn up for wedding. He also knows about the baby shower you didn't show up for. I'm really sorry but it is out of my control and there is nothing I can do about it. They've cut about 10 people because they never showed up. I hope we can meet up afterwards."

Blame someone else..MIL, the husband... and their actions were based on her not showing up.

Well done OP for sticking to your guns. She is a CF and this whole incident will have the added benefit of ensuring she won't contact you again - job's a good'un (even if it might not feel good to you right now!)

Well done!

in the same light I don't understand why her friends bought her space at the baby shower? Personally I’d assume she didn’t want a space if she didn’t pay up beforehand.

Personally I would not sit in judgment of her messy relationships and instead would consider what sort of friend she is to you. If she’s a good friend to you, you can always be a good friend to het

Thanks everyone! This thread helped me make the leap :) I feel like a weight has been lifted.

@BloodyCamping she promised to pay them back, said she didn't have the money at the moment. So others covered, then she didn't show up or reimburse anyone. She said she was desperate to come, which is why she was covered, and why we were surprised she didn't even show after that.

Also, you're right about the messy relationships. I shouldn't judge her on this. But, it's bloody exhausting to be around the drama and she's a bit of a shit friend on top of that!

Thanks for all your advice everyone.

I disagree. Her "messy relationships" show how self centred she is and this is evident in all her relationships, from what OP has said.

I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't care what impact they have on anyone else so I would be shifting her to acquaintance level.