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Original poster

Can trust be rebuilt?

32 replies

cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 12:01

I was engaged to my partner and pregnant (30 weeks) when we had a huge argument and I called him a c*t of a man in front of his kids (his kid did something to my kid, then the next day he wouldn't let me in his car while taking both kids to school).

I was hormonal not that this is an excuse.

He left me that day for saying that in front of his child.

Then for 2 months didn't come to any hospital appointments for the unborn baby, a week before baby was born told me he wanted me back.

I know i said what I did and that was awful but I feel like the trust is gone as he just moved out of the house at that time. It was a bit of a shock and then I spent 2 months of the last part of pregnancy completely alone.

I'm struggling to make sense of who he is as a person as I thought if we did break up every he'd never not turn up for appointments for his unborn child.

This trust has effected all aspects - I struggle to kind of work out who he is as I never thought he'd leave (we didn't really argue outside of this argument so this was a huge one off).

Can trust be rebuilt when you feel it's gone? Anyone experienced a rebuilt of trust successfully?

OP posts:
Mydogatemypurse · 20/07/2022 12:06

He is a c*nt of a man. Dont have him back. His ego was more important than you or the children. You are better off without him.

MarshaMelrose · 20/07/2022 12:13

It can be, yes but it depends on the people.

I can think of two couples I know whose spouses cheated (I know not the same as your problem). Both decided they wanted to try to make their marriage work. One decided that ultimately, try as he did, he couldn't get past what his wife and felt he could never truly trust her again. They divorced. The other couple are still going strong over 25 years later. So people can move past things but it depends on the personalities, their motivation and how much effort the partner makes in proving they can be trusted.

Original poster
cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 12:15

@MarshaMelrose thank you. I do want to try but it's so hard. Baby is only 2 months so not a lot of time has gone by yet. I think I'm in a "do I cut my losses or try" state of mind. Wish I could have a glimpse in to the future and see if we can make it work or will it be too difficult 😩

OP posts:
Hrpuffnstuff1 · 20/07/2022 12:26

I found out my ex-wife had been slagging me off to a male colleague. Cunt was one of the words used.
I left in the morning, initiated the divorce, was all done, and dusted in under 7-9 months. We are cordial, even having some lengthy chats. Forgiven but not forgotten.
I'd do the same again.

MarshaMelrose · 20/07/2022 12:27

If you'd had a glimpse of the future, you'd never got pregnant and then you wouldn't have your gorgeous 2mth old. So sometimes not knowing can bring you lively outcomes.
People can change but it gets harder to do so as they get older. Past behaviour is generally a good predictor of future behaviour.
If your daughter was in this situation, what would you think she should do?

MarshaMelrose · 20/07/2022 12:28

Haha. LOVELY outcomes, but in the case of your baby, I'm sure lively applies too!!

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/07/2022 12:36

Stay separated. You verbally abused him in front of his children (god knows how the two of you behave when they’re not around.) He gave you the silent treatment for weeks. You each have some serious issues with your own behaviour to work in before you try and drag a bundle of kids back into the mess again.

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/07/2022 13:24

What did you think would happen when you called him a cunt in front of your children? If a man had done that to a woman she would be advised to leave him, he left you because you were abusive towards him. I don’t doubt your trust in him has been rocked, I expect his trust in you has similarly been rocked.

What work have you done on yourself since he left? I’m guessing with a new baby your own self development doesn’t feature on your list at the moment but you do need to look at your part in this. I suspect once you’re able to identify what got you to where you were calling him a cunt, you’ll know what to do about your relationship.

To rebuild will need you both to be searingly honest about what happened, what you want/expect/accept in a relationship and whether you can meet the others needs.

You’re coming across as the wounded party here but he was entitled to leave the relationship given your behaviour towards him. Missing ante natal appointments isn’t ok, but is the least of it in this mess.

Original poster
cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 13:44

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/07/2022 13:24

What did you think would happen when you called him a cunt in front of your children? If a man had done that to a woman she would be advised to leave him, he left you because you were abusive towards him. I don’t doubt your trust in him has been rocked, I expect his trust in you has similarly been rocked.

What work have you done on yourself since he left? I’m guessing with a new baby your own self development doesn’t feature on your list at the moment but you do need to look at your part in this. I suspect once you’re able to identify what got you to where you were calling him a cunt, you’ll know what to do about your relationship.

To rebuild will need you both to be searingly honest about what happened, what you want/expect/accept in a relationship and whether you can meet the others needs.

You’re coming across as the wounded party here but he was entitled to leave the relationship given your behaviour towards him. Missing ante natal appointments isn’t ok, but is the least of it in this mess.

I'm not trying to come across as a wounded party, we've both been hurt by what's happened. His daughter spat on my son for the third time and he did nothing about it. The next morning he said he would take my son and his daughter to school alone and refused to let me go with my son (not his son). I said no that's not happening because of the night before he may feel uncomfortable post spitting incident without me being there and he said no I wasn't to come too and I had no other way of getting my son to school. He then said I could come but I'd have to find my own way back (half hour drive and I was heavily pregnant so that would have been one hell of a walk).

So at that point I did call him a c* of a man.

He didn't know I had gestational diabetes, didn't know she was measuring big so had important decisions to make, it wasn't just antenatal appointments in general.

Like I said we've both been hurt by this just this post is from my perspective where I'd like to trust him again. Just unsure if once trust is broken, can it be rebuilt?

If he still wanted to be with me, was it worth upsetting 2 lots of children in a big upheaval of moving his 2 children out, only to come back 2 months later in regret? I hope to hear more stories of people who have rebuilt once trust has been broken... How do people do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 13:46

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/07/2022 12:36

Stay separated. You verbally abused him in front of his children (god knows how the two of you behave when they’re not around.) He gave you the silent treatment for weeks. You each have some serious issues with your own behaviour to work in before you try and drag a bundle of kids back into the mess again.

This is the bizarre thing as I put on my post, we don't argue outside of this incident so it was an odd morning to experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 13:47

MarshaMelrose · 20/07/2022 12:27

If you'd had a glimpse of the future, you'd never got pregnant and then you wouldn't have your gorgeous 2mth old. So sometimes not knowing can bring you lively outcomes.
People can change but it gets harder to do so as they get older. Past behaviour is generally a good predictor of future behaviour.
If your daughter was in this situation, what would you think she should do?

I'm all for second chances, he seems to be able to trust me but I'm struggling the other way. Not sure how to get that feeling back that I trust him

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/07/2022 13:56

You called him a cunt in front of his school aged child. He was right to leave. He didn't need to accompany you to any medical appointments.

I don't think this is a healthy relationship for either of you or your children to be in.

Original poster
cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 14:02

@girlmom21 I know it's an awful situation to have been in for everyone involved. He's come back wanting to be with me and I want to explore if we can be together, if we can make it work.

I just don't know how to trust when trust is gone, he seems to be able to do it and I'm struggling more than he is

OP posts:
Original poster
cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 14:04

@Hrpuffnstuff1 thanks for your reply. The difference is he's come back wanting to be with me after I called him that. Which is great as I'd like to make it work.

Outside of cheating we've both said we would try to rebuild trust and he seems to be doing really well. I'm the one that's struggling.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/07/2022 14:05

cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 14:02

@girlmom21 I know it's an awful situation to have been in for everyone involved. He's come back wanting to be with me and I want to explore if we can be together, if we can make it work.

I just don't know how to trust when trust is gone, he seems to be able to do it and I'm struggling more than he is

Has he managed to fix his daughters spitting problem? Has he told you how he proposes you resolve issues out of earshot of the children moving forward?

If he's just saying he wants to get back together but with no proposal of how that would actually look it won't work

Lozzerbmc · 20/07/2022 14:15

I agree with the PP. You verbally abused him in front of his children so he was right to leave. Silent treatment though is him being abusive back. He didn’t necessarily need to be at your medical appointments but he should do right by your baby . It all sounds very complicated, maybe if you have a break and see how you both feel?

Original poster
cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 14:19

@girlmom21 he's finally acknowledged that his daughter has a problem with siblings getting any attention. She confided in me when I was pregnant that she didn't want her school friends over to the house once the baby was born as she didn't want her friends giving the baby attention. So him not living here anymore while the baby is so young is a bit of a relief as I'd be concerned with her around a newborn and I've said this to him which he understands and is trying to work with his daughter on this attention issue. Although so far when she comes over she's brilliant with the baby but I can't let her out of my sight when she's over.

We've both spoken about how we both could have dealt with that morning so much better (even before I called him this in the morning he packed his toothbrush without saying anything to me, he was going to stay with his mum after I said the night before - calmly- that the spitting needs to stop).

We both know what we should have done. He took the kids to school and didn't communicate anything to me about moving out. I found out while I was in hospital with high heart rate a few days later, when my landlady messaged to say he's moving out.

The day he moved out he said this could be fixed - not before taking the bed, fridge freezer and sofa despite me being 30 weeks pregnant. I just didn't think he'd do those things. We've both said we should have had a few days to calm down instead of his reaction to go instantly - especially if he felt we still could be together. He keeps saying he wishes he had just stayed at his mums for the week and not made any permanent arrangements to break us all up.

The result now is that my own children has seen me upset for the last 2 months of pregnancy and doing everything alone and my eldest now despises him. Whereas his children have forgotten all about the one comment as I've apologised to them since, my children then saw 2 months of their mum upset that they'll never forget.

It's a lot to get over and I really would like to trust him again to try and work things out. There are a lot of hurdles and this is the first one

OP posts:
Original poster
cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 14:22

@Lozzerbmc it is complicated yes. I didn't really want him at the medical appointments for me, just thought he'd want to know what was going on. He's in a bit of shock that he didn't go, he feels guilty not knowing I had gestational diabetes, he didn't know that they thought she was measuring large so I had some decisions to make myself towards the end. He himself can't believe he didn't even ask how the pregnancy was going, so I'm trying to figure out what kind of person he is moving forward I guess.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2022 14:24

Counselling would give you a safe space to unpick what’s happened and guide you both through processing it.

From what you’ve said it’s not a relationship that sounds like it’ll go the distance but if you both want to try I’d get professional help straight away.

TirisfalPumpkin · 20/07/2022 14:25

I think you can’t force yourself to feel something. If you don’t trust him, you don’t trust him - I’m not sure it’s something you can consciously work to rebuild either. It grows back organically when you see consistently trustworthy behaviour.

queenie2016 · 20/07/2022 14:34

Why on earth is a grown man letting his daughter spit on people , my dd would never dream of doing this even if she was upset there's no way I wouldn't of said something , have some counselling and se show you feel it was abusive to ignore your for months and childish . You may move past it you may not but talk it out with him.

alanjohnso · 20/07/2022 14:42

Did he go to the birth @cattycatty12 ?

Original poster
cattycatty12 · 20/07/2022 14:45

@alanjohnso in a strange turn of events he did because we met to talk a week before due date after he messaged to say he wanted to be with me. My waters broke in the cafe when I was with him and 2 hours later baby was here 😬 for all the good he was as he fainted 🤣

OP posts:
averythinline · 20/07/2022 14:51

Do not consider going forward with this....

Whats really changed with his daughter...

Why put your child through that again...having to live with someone who spits at them....

Hd left u without a fridge and stuff for 2months.....he is a cunt like man...

You shouldn't have said that in front of either your kids ...your relationship is

queenie2016 · 20/07/2022 15:59

I can't believe he didn't check up on you once during that time when you were heavily pregnant and you are right he is a cunt of man , I'd of told his daughter off myself if he wasn't going to. Congrats on our baby ! I hope everything's going well apart from this problem I think some long talks with him are needed on the points you've raised and go from there .