Can trust be rebuilt?

[cattycatty12]

I was engaged to my partner and pregnant (30 weeks) when we had a huge argument and I called him a c*t of a man in front of his kids (his kid did something to my kid, then the next day he wouldn't let me in his car while taking both kids to school).

I was hormonal not that this is an excuse.

He left me that day for saying that in front of his child.

Then for 2 months didn't come to any hospital appointments for the unborn baby, a week before baby was born told me he wanted me back.

I know i said what I did and that was awful but I feel like the trust is gone as he just moved out of the house at that time. It was a bit of a shock and then I spent 2 months of the last part of pregnancy completely alone.

I'm struggling to make sense of who he is as a person as I thought if we did break up every he'd never not turn up for appointments for his unborn child.

This trust has effected all aspects - I struggle to kind of work out who he is as I never thought he'd leave (we didn't really argue outside of this argument so this was a huge one off).

Can trust be rebuilt when you feel it's gone? Anyone experienced a rebuilt of trust successfully?

Update: I said I need to talk through some things with him, get things off my chest about what happened between us.

He's refusing.

He says that he's dealt with it and moved on, but I'm more of a talker to move on, but he won't budge. Not sure what to do... If I need to talk it out to move on, what do you do when the other person has already dealt with everything and won't let you talk about the issues we had 😩

You don't bother trying with someone who doesn't care about who you feel because it doesn't match how they feel.

He won't talk about it because he has to accept how much of it was his fault. I know you said he's already done that but it doesn't sound like he meant it.

I really don’t think it’s as simple as ‘you verbally abused him; he should have left’. The other information is hugely important.

His daughter has been repeatedly spitting on your son. He did nothing about it. 3 times.

So you told her off and he decided to take revenge using your son. In front of the kids he refused to let you come in the car (because your son is understandably reluctant to sit next to a girl who spits on him with no adult who will stop her). He threw you out of the car and said he’d refuse to take your son to school. Then that you could come but he’d make you walk back alone - heavily pregnant.

so you called him a cunt if a man. Perhaps not your finest hour but he was being outright abusive. Not just in front of the kids but involving your son. Abusing him and you.

So he moved out, didn’t tell you and took basic furniture. He’s a terrible man. No wonder you don’t trust him!

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters @girlmom21 thanks both.

The problem I have now is that during our break up we both said some things we regretted. He said he's moved on from it all yet we've not spoken about it. He says he doesn't need to, it's in the past and he can be with me without needing to talk about what was said from either of us.

I'm different in that I need to speak about what was said. I need reassurance that these things won't be said again and to explain how some of things he said made me feel. (I'm happy for him to do the same but he doesn't want to) - how do you work something out when one of you wants to taxi it through so you can put it to bed and the other has already put the events/issues to bed without talking about it and won't allow me to talk through things?

*talk not taxi!

It’s most likely because he doesn’t want to discuss the things that HE did and said that were not ok. He knows that he behaved badly in several different ways (and over a period of time), so he doesn’t want to open it up to a discussion where he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

I'm struggling to make sense of who he is as a person

Just stay away from anyone who makes you feel this sort of thing. Healthy relationships feel clear, and you feel like you 'get' the other person. As soon as these confused feelings come up, it's getting unhealthy and you need to pull back.