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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is clearly not right - but is it legal???

39 replies

welliemum · 18/01/2008 03:15

Link to thread here

Basically her is DH taking all his wages for himself (and she does all the childcare AND has her own job in the evening.)

Is there any legal avenue she could explore here?

She sounds like a hero to be coping with this, but this is domestic abuse isn't it.

OP posts:
slim22 · 18/01/2008 05:29

It is.
Would really like to see some mumsnet support here.
Await info.
bumping

wannaBe · 18/01/2008 06:57

Apart from the divorce courts, I don't think she can legally make him give her any of his money. Afaik there isn't any law in place that says married couples have to contribute specific amounts towards household bills. After all there are lots of married couples that have totally separate bank accounts and each pay a portion of the bills etc.

That's not to say what her husband is doing is right, but only she has the ability to change that.

FlllightAttendant · 18/01/2008 07:06

Yes witholding finances is technically abuse but also probably technically legal.

Will now go and read thread.

ernest · 18/01/2008 07:30

omg read other thread.

hopeless, sorry, absolutely no advice, but schocked at this situation and really hope someone can come along and help this poor woman. bloody hell, Im really really shocked at this

dippydeedoo · 18/01/2008 07:47

bumping cos she needs all the help she can i think xxxxxx

slim22 · 18/01/2008 09:18

Good morning mehdismum, here we are.

Do you have any other family?

DoodleToYou · 18/01/2008 09:37

Message withdrawn

slim22 · 18/01/2008 10:31

bump
please see link for background

cestlavie · 18/01/2008 10:44

The situation sounds appalling. In terms of cohabiting couples or married couples I really can't imagine that there's any way that one party can be legally compelled to contribute money to the arrangement (after all, I know several marriages where the woman contributes nothing financially and there are no children involved).

Where there is a child involved, however, the situation may be different and there may well be a legal obligation on the father to contribute money towards the child (there certainly is if they split up). CAB would be the place to go for this advice.

The bigger question I guess though is whether she's willing to do so. Even if she can legally compel her (complete prick of a) partner to give her money she's got to be willing to (a) get a judgement to this effect and (b) enforce this. I really don't know how this would work in the context of an ongoing relationship...

mehdismummy · 18/01/2008 10:48

no not really mum and dad divorced when i was eight and i went and lived with my dad. Have a better relationship with her now. But she had a stroke a couple of years ago so impossible to live her. Last time had row with him he dragged me out of bathroom to hit me when i was bathing ds. Packed my bag and went to my sisters(my sister is married to dh best friend)even though she knew what was going on it was obvious that i could not stay. Ended up going back. Dh does not send money home!

beepbeep · 18/01/2008 10:55

in the eyes of the law, this is actually domestic violence (doesn't have to be phsical, can also be financial) and can be dealt with by the police, worth speaking with local police forces' domestic violence team. they would also be able to give details of organisations who would be able to advise and support further. Good luck x x

oranges · 18/01/2008 10:55

if you are paying all expenses and the flat is dependent on your job, what is making you stay with him? you won't need to go to a hostel? just throw him out.

notjustmom · 18/01/2008 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slim22 · 18/01/2008 11:04

If she throws him out she can not work (he babysits).

Mehdismum, are you also married under sharia law?
If yes, it is his duty to give you an allowance, not to mention his son.

If I remember correctly, you are in north london.
Do you go to the surestart centre off church street?
They have a great playcentre, I used to go mornings with DS.
A lot of local muslim families. Maybe you could hang out there and talk with the mums.
The girls who work there know the system inside out and can probably give advice?

mehdismummy · 18/01/2008 11:05

its a two bedroom flat and he rents room from the company too he also works for them. Tried telling him to go before. Also if he left i will have no childcare. Could not work and then would lose flat. Spoke to council who are no help at all. Say i would have to go to hostel and trust me camden is so awful just could not put ds through it

bethoo · 18/01/2008 11:19

i beleive that the governmetn pays towards 75 - 80% of childcare if you apply.

bethoo · 18/01/2008 11:23

i am a single parent who has to work otherwise i lose my house as it is tied in with my job. i work parttime and it is hard especially what with bills, but i cope. my sons father does not contribute towards him and does not babysit. i am entitled to child benefit and family tax credits which includes money towards childcare with a registered carer/creche whatever. i am not entilted to housing benefit which would have made life easier. once you have taken the plunge you will realise how strong and resilient you are. your dh will only bring you down and make you feel worthless and you deserve better! hugs

slim22 · 18/01/2008 11:24

can't blame you for not wanting DS among those lowlifes in Camden hostels.

Piffle · 18/01/2008 11:28

oh heck, dreadful
you need a way out somehow.
Womens Aid, is there a specific Muslim womens aid group for dometstic abuse situations.
I hope so....

Piffle · 18/01/2008 11:30

Muslim Community Helpline.

Email: e s s 4 m @ b t i n t e r n e t . c o m (without spaces)

Phone: 020 8904 8193 or 8908 6715

mehdismummy · 18/01/2008 11:40

hi thanks for details will email later. Just spoke to lady at sure start she is going to get a care worker to visit me a week tuesday. Ds got a play date this pm so at least he will be happy. Actually ds always happy. I try not to let him see me down. Gonna look into nurserys so at least i can have a little time for me. Love ds but could do with half hour just to breathe. I dont think my body registers tiredness anymore. Just so use to surviving on four hours sleep. Even if i do get sick no time to rest properly. My body has got so use to this pattern that even if i am not working i cant sleep. Ironing to do etc. Flat tidy but always something to do. Dh does not cook or do housework.

DoodleToYou · 18/01/2008 12:21

Message withdrawn

PussinJimmyChoos · 18/01/2008 12:30

MehdisMummy - We have spoken before on the Arabic thread. Cat me if you want to chat about anything. What your husband is doing is wrong not to mention unislamic. In fact, under Islamic law, he should be paying you for breast feeding so not withholding any wages from you! He sounds a bit of a night mare!

mimimilk · 18/01/2008 12:48

Dear Mehdi's mum, just read your OP and am close to tears.

There is something better out there for you, please believe that!

It sounds like you are deeply unhappy and lonely, your Dh sounds like a liability to yourself and your DC not a help in any way. These situations are never 100% cut and dried I know as no-one is 100% bad and of course he is the father of your child.

That said, it seems from what you have said that if you could solve the housing /childcare problems you would wish to leave him.

I am no expert but if your DH has physically assaulted you then surely there are leagl avenues you could go down?

If this is not an option, if you work more that 16 hours per week then you can working and childcare tax credits, if your Dh is not giving you any money you will UNDOUBTABLY be better off doing this as a single parent. Like another poster has said, tax credits will pay up to 80% of childcare and it doesnt have to be a nursery (although I think there are some night /24hr ones around so maybe that would be an option?) it could be a childminder, there are some advertised in my are (SW) who will do overnight/evening care so surely in London there would be similar.

Obviously to get the tax credits as a single person then you would need to split from your partner in terms of accomodation. I was not 100% sure of the arrangement, ie do you have a joint tenancy or do you have seperate addresses but just from the same c ompany?

failing all else, could you quietly save up a little money each week with a view to relocating, could the company relocate you to a similiar position elsewhere?

There's got to be ways to improve your situation, please let us know how things are going.

best of luck

Alambil · 18/01/2008 14:16

With-holding money, not helping with regards to childcare AND housework all come under the term "Domestic Violence" - it doesn't have to be physical violence.

Women's Aid are set up to help women from other cultures and in other languages - if you go HERE you can open their Survivor's handbook in many languages (sorry - not sure if it would be easier for you in Arabic or whatever so just letting you know - hope you aren't offended ).

It is full of advice and help, phone numbers and all sorts and research to help you realise you are firstly, not alone and secondly, able to get out of this situation if you so wish.

You can also ring them on 08 08 2000 247 and they will get you lots of help and advice about the law and what you can do/where you can go for help. It is free to call and I don't think it shows on the phone-bill.

Thinking of you - it is a truly horrid position to be in