Anyone else’s husband struggling with ongoing mental health issues?

[CarlosFangdango]

Just trying to summon up the strength for another bout of trying to support husband, bat away feelings of brewing resentment for having to be the dependable one (again!). Anyone else going through this?
Any advice really appreciated.

I’m not going through it but I’ve been there. For years. It’s so draining. And it made me such a shit friend when friends were having trouble; I just didn’t have the bandwidth. But meds are stable now and tops up with the odd talking therapy. What sort of medical support is your DH getting?

When you say ongoing, is he getting medical help with this and engaging in self-help/self-care?

There's a big difference when someone is and when someone won't.............

What is your husband doing to help himself? You are not his fixer.

Thanks for your message Reece. Been on and off for years with work related stress, Left teaching job to do supply teaching hoping it would be more manageable.
Usually reluctant to access support generally really struggles to talk about his emotions.
The last couple of months with me basically filling in GP referral he stated on citalopram, with slight effect.
Basically walked out of job 3 weeks ago, had a massive anxiety attack and finally admitted to himself that he has to leave teaching for good after 20 odd years 😬
Given an emergency appointment today with GP after I contacted them as was behaving oddly, almost manic. it felt unsafe tbh.
started on sertraline. Refusing talking therapy at the minute.

Refusing talking therapy at the minute.

I would consider any refusal of therapy or treatment a total deal breaker at this point. How much more of this does he expect you to take?

If he doesn't take the initiative and own the responsibility to help himself, how are you supposed to cope with that? You matter, too.

For 14 years, yes. It's bloody hard work.

Are you seeing your GP?

I am trying to put in boundaries as have nearly lost myself within it before and won’t allow that to happen again. I have said doing nothing isn’t an option.
The GP said he it was burn out and maybe bi polar. Which adds selfishly to my dread of this never ending

You don't have to live this way, op. If you can't cope and are no longer happy in the marriage, you need to end it.

I’m in the same boat. My husband started being depressed with suicidal thoughts in Jan, finally sought help and been on antidepressants since May. It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions, he keeps oscillating from being snappy at me and the kids to feeling guilty about being snappy and want to kill himself. The meds have finally kicked in and he seems a lot better, but it’s like he’s changed as a person. I’ve not even given our relationship any thoughts yet as I feel we are still on survival mode atm. I am so exhausted having to take care of him plus the kids. I tried to be as supportive as possible but I’m just drained, I can’t take on his emotions anymore and I’m distancing myself just so that I can function.

I have no advice but just want to post to say you’re not alone and it’s bloody hard to be the partner of someone with MH issues. I hope it will get better and I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel now that he’s on the meds

This is all sounding very familiar. No advice but I reckon quite a lot of women have husbands in this situation but don't feel they can talk about it. I know I feel that way

I tried for almost 20 years to support someone who would not help himself and did not seem to want to get better . As soon as the doctor told him he was in a high risk group for suicide ( male over 50) he latched on to that . He would not stop drinking and constantly criticised out teenage son , destroying his confidence. He attacked our son and we left . Life is so much better now. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves .

He's not refusing therapy or treatment, he's just started on Sertraline.

Putting a metaphorical gun to the head of someone who is already severely struggling, and forcing them into a therapy option that they do not want to entertain at this point in time is not likely to have a positive outcome, on the contrary, it's likely to make him feel even worse and sour him on the idea completely. It's also not a sensible thing to be doing when he's just changed or started a new psychiatric medication in any case.

Give him a few weeks on the Sertraline, wait for that to steady and for any side-effects to calm, then if he's feeling more on an even keel, that's the time to start bringing up other forms of therapy.

FWIW OP Bipolar conditions aren't the end of the world. The majority of people with a Bipolar type are usually pretty stable once they find the appropriate medication. There are usually infrequent blips here and there still, but once you are stable it becomes more obvious to those around you when you are starting to slide, and it's easier and simpler to get the help required, rather than waiting to the point whereby the person is in the grip of a long-standing crisis then trying to bring them out of it.

It's one of the easier conditions to treat, although it's obviously no walk in the park for people affected by it.

I spent almost 20 years with ex DH who had depression and bi polar 2. On and off meds, in and out of therapy. Wouldn't stick with anything long enough to have lasting benefit, preferring to self medicate with alcohol and drugs. There were good bits but gradually my life and our DCs became totally dominated by his moods. I realised I had to leave when our DS started commenting to me "Dad's in a good mood today" when he just managed to be civil. I felt a lot of sympathy for him and still do but that didn't mean I had to sacrifice my life and our children's to his illness.

If he had committed to treatment though and been honest about the effect on us things probably would have been ok. That's the key in my mind.

Thank you all so much for your replies. 💐to all of you in a similar position. It’s helpful to know I’m not alone. It is really draining.
I don’t want to share much with others or have much left as someone said to put into the lovely friendships I have got.

It is early days on the meds front, so will see how it goes. Thanks again

My story is similar to yours OP. My husband had been teaching for 20 years, was doing supply as it was supposed to be less stressful, but it wasn't. He'd suffered mild depression previously due to the death of his mother and a stressful teaching position. He didn't take medication that time, just had some time off sick and had counselling provided by the school. However, this time it was different, it came on quickly after some physical health problems and a very stressful teaching position, resulting in a full on psychotic episode where he almost killed himself and me in the process. He was immediately hospitalised and has been under the care of the early intervention team for psychosis. He is on a lot of medication but doesn't seem to be getting much better. I am now his full time carer. We lost our beautiful home as he was the main earner and I had to sell our home and buy another all by myself, whilst dealing with him, his employers, the crisis team visiting daily, psychiatrists visits, financial problems, looking after our children etc. Our lives have changed dramatically and we no longer have a normal relationship. Everything has become my responsibility. It's as if the minute he became ill people expected me to suddenly develop superpowers, it was all "let A deal with that, let her worry about that, you just rest and get better" It was as if I'd become a single parent, not only to our children but to him too. I can't see him ever getting any better and the way he has behaved, even though I know it was the illness, has changed my feelings towards him and our marriage forever. If I leave him I know he'll end up being sectioned and I always think to myself that, I hope if it had been the other way around, then he'd have looked after me. It's like being stuck with a stranger, someone I'd never had chosen to marry, till one of us dies. It sounds harsh I know and I probably sound very selfish but I'd only ever say these things on here.

Similar situation finding myself being the dependable one. I've done so much so it really hurts when he sings the praises of his sister who made one visit to the hospital (with me) while he was in. Even then, she left early. I did everything else, but I guess I'm just background noise.
Pat yourself on the back

DH on drugs for a decade and struggled for longer than that- I find it very difficult to live with a lot of the time tbh but it’s hard to talk about with anybody because you know, they’re depressed so you sound like a heartless cow for complaining, “in sickness and in health” and all that. 😞But really hard; and I don’t have any advice but have a hug in solidarity.

I know that what you're going through is really hard but it gets better.

You need to urgently get him to see a Psychiatrist and once he has a diagnosis he can get the correct medicine.

I was married for less than 2 years when my DH had a full blown breakdown. At some point his mind was almost lost, wouldn't recognise me in his psychosis. He was at the hospital psychiatric ward for 3 months and it was a slow process after that. They put him on some medicines, gave him mindfulness training and after a year he was well enough to go back to work. He has Bipolar 1.

I wouldn't have had the heart to just divorce him on his worse times, he is a person, it is a disease as much as any other, and it is not his fault as it is not your husband's fault.The psychiatrist made a lot of emphasis on the fact that it's a disease like any other, it's a chemical imbalance.

Thanks God after that stint in the hospital he has been very well, you can't tell he has that diagnosis. He is the sweetest and most caring person I know. He has adhered to treatment, never misses a dose and now only has an appointment every 6 months with his GP.

The doctors do tell me that maintaining him that same environment at home helped him recover. He has taken a Mindfulness training that has helped him cope when he's stressed. I can immediately tell if he's unwell, take him to the GP and they alter the dose of his medicines but that has only been 2 or 3 times in 10 years.

Now we are almost 12 years married and wouldn't have done it otherwise.

How long have you been married? Is anyone on your family or his family that can help look out after DC while you take him to his doctors?

Some heartbreaking experiences here. Thank you for sharing. Sending strength to you all.

it’s interesting that when you Google support it’s all about the ‘sufferer’ and how to further support them. It’s really trying. I am finding myself fantasy formulating a ‘get out’ plan, and the reality is really limited due to loyalty and finances. But I have different feelings for him now after years of this and not sure we’ll ever reconnect

Like MRS who I really feel for (please take care of yourself) the practical, financial implications are huge. I’m not sure he’ll work again tbh. It affects all of our quality of life. It must be awful to be a child in our house at the moment.

It feels like a dirty secret of sorts. It’s good to have a space where we can at least talk honestly

Been together 28 years, married 10. He’s mid 50’s, me 50

I would not want to have a partner with mental health issues, but that's because I had enough of it with my father growing up.

I've gone through partners having MH issues- if they comply with or try different medications or treatments that their doctor suggests, then it's different, though I'd still find it hard.

I have severe MH issues myself so I do understand, but it still would be something I'd find difficult in a partner.

Remember that you can't be the primary one to help him- professionals are the ones that can help him. If you were to separate from him he might be more open to getting the help he needs, as he wouldn't have someone being to some extent his unpaid carer and CPN.

Thanks for your kind words OP. Yes, loyalty and finances just about sums it up doesn't it. I, too, have found myself frequently desperately conjuring up a Get Out plan but it's easier thought about than done. I also feel sorry for my kids, my youngest was actually scared of my husband and stuck to me like glue when he first came home from hospital. He's never ever been violent towards them but they said, quite rightly, that he's just not the same dad. My eldest broke my heart the other day when he said he hasn't had a dad for the last 3 years. I try to be mum and dad to them both, determined that they won't suffer because of his illness. We no longer go on holiday, go for trips out etc and I can't see that changing. I also can never see my dh returning to work, especially to the classroom, which he now has a phobia of. You mentioned that he was doing supply, I gather from that he won't have any kind of sickness package from his employers. We were in that situation and have successfully claimed PIP for dh and Carers Allowance for me and also contribution based ESA. I know your post wasn't about finances but having this extra cash has made life a little easier. We'd never claimed any kind of benefits before but we've contributed to the system and that's what they are there for. I also had a carers assessment (it was requested by the psychosis team but I think you can request one yourself) this has provided lots of support for me and means I can pick up the phone and have someone for just me to talk to. Good luck.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s very hard. I’m in the midst of this myself with my DH. We’re in the trenches and titrating doses ourselves - finally getting somewhere having trebled original starting dose of SSRI.

I can identify with the "dirty secret" aspect too. I am so ashamed and I'd never tell anyone this in real life, but at our previous house, when neighbours saw the for sale sign and wondered why we were moving, a couple of them asked me if he was OK as they thought he looked ill. Also, they'd noticed he'd been away for a while and I told them he'd been in hospital, but I didn't say a psychiatric unit. They'd noticed he wasn't walking the dog anymore etc etc. I actually said he'd had a stroke. I know this is terrible but I felt embarrassed and ashamed to tell the truth. They'd also noticed strange cars arriving at the house every day. One neighbour actually said he'd noticed an NHS car, I don't know how he knew this, so I said it was a therapist coming to see dh after his stroke, when it was actually the crisis team. At least moving house has meant no one ever knew what he was like before so no one here questions me.