Anyone else’s husband struggling with ongoing mental health issues?

[CarlosFangdango]

Just trying to summon up the strength for another bout of trying to support husband, bat away feelings of brewing resentment for having to be the dependable one (again!). Anyone else going through this?
Any advice really appreciated.

So sad all round. Totally understand the untruths, sometimes the easiest and most protective option all round, don’t beat yourself up for it.

Thank you for the benefits information. Like your husband, he worked full contract teacher for years. Supply teaching worked out that due to his mental health he probably was off more than he worked without any sick/holiday pay!

Haven’t got long left at all on the financial buffer front. Living of what little savings we had to get our grim bathroom replaced! That’s not going to happen now either!

Will definitely look into it as my wages aren’t enough to tick over.

How are you doing OP?

Bit of a mixed bag tbh. He’s definitely levelled out with the medication. We had a dramatic episode early on when, whereby we just had nowhere else to go emotionally, his behaviour was all over the place and he said he’d go. Stormed out. I agreed he should as was just done. We have never been at that point before.
He went to his friend’s who he spoke to openly, which was a first apparently although they are good friends, who was supportive. Why don’t they talk to each other?!!
He’s been a lot better to be around and we (irresponsibly from a financial perspective) have had a few days holiday which has allowed for a reset of sorts, some honest conversations. It’s been a bit of respite from real life.
There’s still a lot of uncertainty. There’s a counsellor lined up which he has agreed to engage with.
I’m cautiously optimistic, with an undercurrent of stomach churning anxiety 😬.How is everyone else doing?

Bit of a mixed bag tbh. He’s definitely levelled out with the medication. We had a dramatic episode early on when, whereby we just had nowhere else to go emotionally, his behaviour was all over the place and he said he’d go. Stormed out. I agreed he should as was just done. We have never been at that point before.
He went to his friend’s who he spoke to openly, which was a first apparently although they are good friends, who was supportive. Why don’t they talk to each other?!!
He’s been a lot better to be around and we (irresponsibly from a financial perspective) have had a few days holiday which has allowed for a reset of sorts, some honest conversations. It’s been a bit of respite from real life.
There’s still a lot of uncertainty. There’s a counsellor lined up which he has agreed to engage with.
I’m cautiously optimistic, with an undercurrent of stomach churning anxiety 😬.How is everyone else doing?

Things are better here. My husband seems to have found the right dose and right meds for now. I did become the most hated woman at the GP surgery ever but now I have a functioning husband so I guess it’s worth it.

Just wanted to join to say you're not alone and it is incredibly hard. My DH had a breakdown when we got married (seemed to come completely out the blue to me) and we had a steep road until DH was in some kind of functional state again. He left his job and struggled to talk to anyone about it but eventually did see the doctor and started tablets, which helped. I however had to deal with that and work two jobs in order to pay our bills. DH has only recently realised how much I was working at that time. It was very, very hard but I figured if I could deal with that I could manage most things life had in store for me.

DH came off his tablets last summer (no idea why) and was being snappy and odd all winter. Winter has never been a good time for him historically but earlier this year he reached a point where he felt he would do something silly because he was feeling so low. We got him an emergency doctor's appointment and he started tablets again. The doctor is being very supportive but they're trying to get the medication right so a lot of the time he's very tired as a side effect. I have gone through a lot of emotions this time around - resentment, anger, frustration, upset... It feels a lot harder this time because we have two DC now. He is waiting for testing for certain conditions which may help narrow down the medication to what is most suitable for him.

I do love him but I also realise I have a choice - just because you've married someone does not mean that you have to live a miserable life. DH can have periods where he's very selfish, lacks patience or thought and I find that very difficult. I try and be understanding but I don't feel it's fair for me to have to shoulder everything or be the person that has to remember to do everything. After a particularly bad week recently where DH slept most of the time I had a chat with him and said that while I'm trying, I don't have to live like this - it can feel like having a third child at times. He is now trying to help a bit more and be more considerate, though I know how hard he finds it.

I had to start antidepressants myself (PPA after having DC2) earlier this year but I think some of the way I was feeling was down to having to deal with the fallout of DH's poor mental health again.

My husband is also very tired. Sleeps a lot but not well. If that makes sense? Struggles to get out of bed most mornings. Very much like a teenager.

I'm here too. My husband had a burn out of sorts about 5 years ago and quite honestly never really addressed the underlying issues.

He then became Mr angry when we had our first child. That was nearly 4 years ago. It took me essentially chucking him out when our youngest was 4 months old (approx a year ago) to get him to go to the GP and ask for meds.

It's so hard isn't it? He is vile to everyone when depressed. He has hurt me in a rage a couple of times and I'm desperately worried about the impact on our kids. I don't think I love him any more tbh. I feel trapped. I've got too small children. I don't know what is worse, carrying on in hope he gets better or the fall out from divorce.

My DH recently started talking therapy after things finally came to a head beginning of this year. The therapist said he has extreme anxiety and it’s rules based. Things become a set in stone to do list for him, even fun or little stuff like, tennis or eating chocolate biscuits. If something unexpected happens which means he can’t make his 7pm tennis lesson he starts massively stressing out and has a hard time coping with the change of plans. He knows it’s irrational but he can’t control it. Nothing is joyful or fun anymore, I’ve slowly stopped making plans to go out. It always becomes a ‘thing’.

You're all stronger than me. I can't face another summer with someone who thinks severe depression and all the distance, indifference, misery is normal and refuses doctors, rarely seeks therapy. I'm making a plan and getting out.

And why the hell not. I hope it works out for you. The meds worked wonders for my DH and he tops up with the odd therapy when he needs it. I’d have left him if not, with no end of guilt and shame sure, but I couldn’t keep going the way I was. If someone had a physical illness and refused help which in turn made their partners life unbearable then I’d be saying the same!

Same boat here. DH been on meds around 2.5 years, has bipolar 2 with a lot of depression and anxiety. Gave up his self employed job last summer and has been on ESA since. Spent the last year moping around the house and not doing any of the self care (exercise, routine, eating well, etc) that he knows would help. He's on medication, but it's been changed countless times and doesn't seem to do much except sedate him so he feels even less like doing stuff.

I have been financially, practically and emotionally supporting our family (3 DCs) for so long and feel like I am on the verge of burnout/depression myself. But I can't moan or do anything about it because he's not well. It's shit and I don't really see it getting any better...

DH has noticed I've been distant recently and we had a bit of a chat the other day about how I feel a lot of pressure and resentment, and sometimes struggle to be 'nice happy wife'. Nothing changes though, I just carry around all this anger and resentment and sadness, on top of worrying about money because I'm trying to support us on one wage. He's on a scheme to retrain in a new career which he is pinning all his hopes on, but it's currently being held up and instead of using the time to do some of the many things he needs to get done, he is spending his days on the sofa. Apparently he will be magically fine the minute he gets a call to attend his training...

Wow, sorry, long post. But OP you are not alone, many of us out here!

No advice really but I'm in the same situation and have been for many years. He is in counselling again after a traumatic incident earlier this year and is starting to talk about awful childhood stuff. I feel so shut off from it now as having to hold everything together for so many years has taken it's toll. I feel resentful and selfishly don't want him to open up to me. I just don't think I have the capacity to deal with it. That sounds so awful I know. I often think about how much happier I'd be if we weren't together now but we have built a life together over the last 17 years and not sure i actually do want to be apart from him.

I get it sounds selfish but it's been a long time of taking everything on alone.

@PugInTheHouse I feel exactly the same. I don't know how things will be once the DCs grow up and leave home. He did ask me the other day if I was jaut keeping it together until then and I couldn't answer. I certainly don't get much from the marriage at the moment, but still hope things may improve.

I have had to tell DH I cannot be his counsellor. He has one of those, that's their job. I'm happy for him to tell me he's having a bad day/week or whatever, but I cannot be his emotional support. I don't have the capacity, I have 3 teenagers to raise and myself to keep strong. It's selfish, but I can't fix him and have stopped feeling like I should.

@RagzRebooted totally, the worst thing is that since the incident earlier this year he does say he knows he's a burden and that makes me so sad. Because of how things have been I feel my feelings towards him have changed as the balance in the relationship has changed. Its hard to explain without sounding awful but he's vulnerable and anxious and it's just not how he was before.

We do lots as a family so I feel whatever happens we have to make it work. I just hope the counselling helps this time and we can redevelop our relationship.

My husband has severe anxiety, OCD and going through a bad bout of depression. Cries for hours everyday, struggles to get out of bed, too anxious to even take a phone call leave alone any social engagement.
My older son is 15 year old and has severe ADHD and gets panic attacks on a daily basis since 3 months now. Younger son is 10 years old and started showing severe OCD symptoms and mild ADHD recently.
All 3 of them go for therapy; hubby and older son are on medication. Hubby has been on medication for almost 30 years.
I feel hopeless, tired, drained, stuck as unable to do anything for my own happiness. I love them deeply, and feel sad about how broken my husband is and insecure about the future for my kids. There is no family support, we have not told friends the truth. I am too tired to get therapy for myself. Anyone who’s been through anything similar? What helped and do things ever get better?

Hi Desert. I’m the OP, name change!
It sounds exhausting for you 💐.

It sounds like you’ve pulled in support for your children and husband. Allow some time for therapy to work and start to focus on yourself now.

What has helped me keep my sanity has been creating pockets of space away from the home and doing whatever I needed to do that at times.

I’ve had appointments and meetings which didn’t exist, so desperate for some breathing space to myself. I would just go for a drive, park up and sit somewhere nice and just be. Even just for 20 minutes. It just helped.

I joined a local gym which isn’t really my thing but have really found it helpful to go for an hour or so, no one talks to me and I can pound out whatever I’m feeling and always leave feeling clearer headed and ironically less drained.

It doesn’t actually change anything, but creates a gap, allows for some perspective and room for me as a person in my own right. It allowed more to life than just dealing with other people’s stuff. Do take care of yourself within it all as best you can.