I don't know what to do- friend

[teaandtoastwithmarmite]

Hi there so I have posted a couple of times about dramas with my so called best friend.
In a nutshell she has gone very angry re Covid-vaccines and lockdowns. Also Russia, brexit (pro both) and refused to do a lot of her maid of honour duties for my wedding last year. She even asked me if she had to come to my hen do as she couldn't afford it (night out that's it). She has been quite vile to me over text but I understand it's been a hard time for a lot of people. She basically blames me for everything and is angry with everyone who doubted her 'evidence'. After her last bout of nastiness, which involved a personal attack on my anxiety, which she makes worse with her ghosting and making me read articles and answer questions, I told her to fuck off and let me know when she had stopped being a dick with a 😂 emoji so it didn't sound too harsh. She said 'won't happen' and we haven't spoken since apart from a brief exchange on our group chat and Facebook.
Anyway we have booked a group thing with our other friend like a concert and it so happens I have a few days off work. DH wants to go away on holiday that time but I think if I don't go to it its going to make me look petty. But what if she refuses to give me my ticket anyway. I just don't know what to do. I've been feeling bad about all of this anyway even though I've done nothing to deserve any of it. I just think this might be our chance to sort it out. And I feel bad that she's obviously struggling but doesn't realise it yet. Although after the wedding it just got brushed under the carpet then as well
Thanks if you made it to the end . Been friends 37 years

The part about not respecting your views and how your friend blames you, is very strange behaviour

@Hawkins001 oh sorry. I'm pleased you say that as I've been really starting to question if I'm the wrong one and I'm being unreasonable. But she's been like this for years if I think about it. Once I told her I was trying for a baby and she laid into me saying I was irresponsible because I had some debts. I have endometriosis so there really wasn't time to waste. She had her daughter and couldn't even afford to pay off her credit card. When Covid struck she struggled financially as she couldn't get work and I was wfh in my normal job so I wonder.

@MrsGarveyTheSecond love the username btw! Was it? Did you feel sort of bereft at the beginning? I have other friends but she has been my lifelong constant. My DDad never liked her and I always defended her to him

Thankyou 😁
Oh I definately felt bereft, it was over 10 years ago and I still think about things, we had the best times, hilarious times, she was literally like a sister to me but then the cracks started to show and it got to the point where she was affecting my MH so I just bowed out....I didn't give her the satisfaction of a huge argument. I just ceased contact. And she never asked why. When people that close to you voice an opinion it's usually worth listening to because they can probably see how you're being treated or you're not being your authentic self around your friend. I'd call it a day personally, she sounds very toxic

I don't understand what she is trying to blame you for?

Full disclosure - I was anti lockdown from the start. If you're to blame, I'll happly punch you 😂 My best friend was pro. We agree to disagree. It's not worth falling out over...but then the reverse, sort of, is this...

I quietly edged away from another friend because she was either deep into conspiracy or finding it hilarious, to the point that she didn't want to talk about much else and I had no idea when she was being serious. Not just about Covid, but the most surreal shit you can think of.

She also approached people and criticised them for wearing masks, including one of my neighbours, who she knew a bit from staying at my place.

So I'd drop this friendship unless she changes back again, I know it's awful and I'm sorry but I suspect going to the concert will not go well.

@MrsGarveyTheSecond I appreciate that as I will feel awful if I'm abandoning her. After 37 years through school and everything it just feels shit that she is treating me like this. When we last got together it was ok. We even joked about the texts. Our friend's DP had had a heart attack and could've died and I said I bet you're thinking about the vaccine and she said I am actually but laughed it off. She seems to think more of her 'friends' on twitter than me

@EmmaH2022 she is blaming me for being a willing participant in the lockdowns and vaccines. I had 3 vaccines and got Covid twice. She blames me for her being in a bad place as everyone including me doubted her research and was 'laughing at her'. I didn't do this I just didn't want to watch her twitter conspiracy videos

😂 I was on the fence really. Was just using my common sense. Went to see my elderly parents after doing a trial of the Covid test. First thing I did was see them. Wasn't anti lockdown or pro lockdown but wasn't strictly following any rules. However I may have made some off the cuff comments about people overly flaunting the rules and berating people who were following them as I just thought so what works for you but she manages to find messages from ages ago and send them back to me without any context. I now have massive anxiety over texting people and worrying I will say something wrong. She attacked a lot of people I'm friends with on Facebook which was quite frankly embarrassing. But I was still let's agree to disagree. So that is where she starts the personal attacks. She said to me 'I've said this to Gina (her friend). Would you rather be anxious or dead?' God knows what Gina said but I don't even know what she is on about.

When we last met up we were kind of fine but I tend to end up going with whatever she says which annoys me really.

When I said I'd set a date for wedding and she could plan my hen do she said I won't invite (my sil) because she will probably start an argument with me. She doesn't like her from a brief meeting about 20 years ago. She's just not happy about anything.

Sorry that's a bit long but I want to get all of the info

From your reply to my post, I don't just think she's badly damaged by lockdown

I think she is trying to force you into a mould of who she wants as a her best friend. You said in a previous post that she's saying she cares about you the most and that's why she's doing all this shit.

Whatever is going on, that's a toxic mess. I would quietly detach. There'll be a fuss if you say much. Also, the not wanting to invite someone she met briefly years ago and didn't like? Very controlling.

@EmmaH2022 that's quite worrying really but I know what you mean. What do I do about our other friend? Something weird she said as well was 'everyone I've been bridesmaid for I fall out with and I said well that won't happen with us then she behaved like that anyway'. Doesn't make sense. And she's ok with the others now anyway yet seems happy to be like this with me. I think I'm starting to realise I can do nothing about any of this.

Just don't give her anymore headspace
Distance yourself
Learn to say 'no' you don't have to explain yourself
You're facilitating her behaviour, if you walk away you take yourself out of the equation
This is all added stress and over thinking and to be honest none of us need all that negative second guessing rubbish
I'd be long gone if that were me

After her last bout of nastiness, which involved a personal attack on my anxiety, which she makes worse with her ghosting and making me read articles and answer questions,
Your friend is one of those people who is "always right" & needs an audience to parade her superiority to.

Your last message was pretty restrained under the circumstances.
Now stop pandering to the monster.
Go on holiday with your husband & forget about organising anything social with this nightmare of a woman.
She goaded you about your anxiety FFS. It's not going to get better with her, is it? Stop fixating on this bloody ticket, write it & the so-called 'friendship' off, & start enjoying a more stress-free life without her.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

i had a friend exactly like this who I’d been friends with for a long time - and I ended the friendship as Covid started. Very opinionated anti-vaxxer - and I simply couldnt listen/engage with it as my Mum desperately needed NHS treatment at the time and I could see what her hospital was going through.

She had a very outgoing, fun personality which I miss - but she was very dominating, opinionated, controlling.

Im glad I ended the friendship - I feel a sense of relief that my phone isn’t ringing on an almost daily basis, demanding to be answered - so I can listen to a rant. I also don’t like being told what I should do with my life.

I think if your friend is anything like mine - you may have been manipulated into feeling you have to behave a certain way. I was pretty submissive to the demands made by my ex friend, and used to feel extreme guilt if I didn't answer the phone. But I just didn’t. Didn’t answer, didn’t reply - and then a few months down the line - removed from Facebook.

I'm so sorry this has all happened. This friendship appears to be based on control. She wanted you to think like her and agree with her.

I know a guy that refused to believe covid was real, refused to mask, said lockdowns were useless etc etc. I cut him out as I couldn't stand listening to that shit

I believe he's angry at the world for not agreeing with him. And he too said he's behind Russia.

This friend of yours was never a friend, she wanted to control your life choices. It's time to walk away and get on with your life without her. Life's too short to deal with people like her. And I agree that anyone that can find justification in what Russia has done is not a good person on any level.

And also probably worth the ticket price to have her fuck off to be honest. 🤷‍♀️

Her opinions are consistent with someone who is mentally unwell. Up to you if you want to stick by her or distance yourself. I know 3 people who share the beliefs you cite and they all have gaping psychic wounds from childhood trauma, and despite being essentially decent, kind people themselves, their own fragility has made them receptive to all this crap. One had an unhappy adoption, one was brought up a Jehovah's witness (ie in a cult) and then shunned by family members when he extricated himself, and one has moved across the world to get away from a mother who told her she was ugly and worthless, but sadly still carries the psychological consequences of a lack of self esteem, and therefore is vulnerable to all these theories designed to sucker in people who need to feel better about themselves by believing they understand something others don't. Maybe your friend has something similar in her past. However, it doesn't excuse some pretty dreadful behaviour. I would cut your losses.

Go with your husband. It doesn't sound like she wants to save the relationship, and I think holding on just because she's been a friend for 37 years is not really a good enough reason especially if she's controlling.

I think she's really unhappy with life, jumping on random bandwagons where she can unleash some anger without having to actually confront her issues and using you as her punch pag. She needs to help herself, don't feel bad for walking away.

Thanks all. I have copied one of her messages here. I know she's not on here but i wanted to show an example. I never even said I didn't believe anything.

I’m not arguing. I’m just telling you the facts and you’re still not believing them. You have undermined the fact that I’ve been reading up about this for two years straight. Yes it has become a bit of an obsession, but the more I learn, the angrier I get because it’s all bollocks. I felt very isolated for about 6 months in 2020, and if I wasn’t a stronger person it could have fucked me up. Thankfully it didn’t. I’m angry about how I was belittled and I’ll continue to be angry about it until every fucking person who belittled me apologises

@BeautifulWar you are right. She is never happy and always complaining. She had a baby and complained about her, gets different jobs, went to uni. And now I look back she just puts down anything I do.

@Biscuitsneeded her dad was abusive and I called the police once when he beat her up.

@Windmillwhirl do you think even over 37 years she was never friends?

OP looking at that text...I feel her pain, but she can't ignore everyone's right to their own view.

I tried to stay friends with my conspiracy friend in similar circumstances. She fell out with lots of people. Yes, some were rude to her but some were just quietly holding a different opinion while respecting hers. And she would not accept that bombarding people with "information" was rude on her part.

I clung on because I was lonely but in the end, it was horrible spending time with her. She also said she often argues with people and thinks she is always right. I think I never saw that side of her before because she knew I wouldn't tolerate it.

I can't see what options you have to keep the friendship. I suppose one thing is to tell her you think she needs to review her approach and you'll be ready to be friends again if she does? I would certainly still help my former friend in an emergency but I just edged away so that's easier I guess.

I appreciate your post there. Yes I really want to help her but I try to tell her I didn't belittle her I just can't cope with reading about it and thinking about it. She asks how do you have time to read (I read loads of books) as her child is 3 and mine is 9 but then she has time for this. She started doing all this when her dd was contact napping in the day. She would lie in the dark with her and look at her phone. That's not healthy. She is in a bad place and she can't see it. She says I'm ignoring things because of my anxiety but it's not true. I'm just getting on with life. I feel lonely too sometimes. Something funny happened the other day and she's the only one who really have laughed about it but I couldn't tell her. I don't know what to do anymore.