The never-ending moods

[Olinguita]

DH has become increasingly moody and volatile in the past two years. It's not been an easy time for him - he lost his Dad, we had our first baby and then of course there was COVID/lockdowns (and spending every day cooped up together). Pre-2020 he was positive, sunny and happy-go-lucky, known by all as a very down to earth and warm person. Not so any more. He goes into bad moods every couple of days that involve him going around with a scowl and his jaw clenched, denying that there is anything wrong and getting angry with me when I ask if he is ok. He semi-checks out of family life in these moods and spends a lot of time languishing on the sofa doom-scrolling while I busy myself with the baby and try to get on with the day.
He seems to have no ability to regulate his own emotions - if I feel upset about something, he gets upset, if the baby cries he gets agitated and says he can't cope with the sound, if I want to have a conversation about a parenting dilemma (eg should we sleep train our extremely bad sleeper of a baby) or to talk about our household budget (I do all our finances and I recently sent him a spreadsheet to show him which bills were increasing) he clams up and refuses to engage, and gets weirdly defensive.
Things he has gone into major sulks over include:
-Me not being able to eat spicy food in my first trimester due to bad morning sickness

• being asked to help set up a new bed that we had ordered during my pregnancy (I was too pregnant to do it myself)

-being asked to stop picking his feet and burping while we were watching TV at home together because I found it distracting -me asking him to turn the heating down when his mum was staying as she had cranked it up to the maximum and I was worried worried about our then-newborn overheating -me asking him what he wanted to do on a Saturday -me expressing mild frustration one day that the baby wouldn't nap during a sleep regression and I just wanted to sit down and read/have a cuppa -me parking the pram with napping newborn in a spot in the hallway that he didn't like, because he said it "triggered" him

The sulks create a really unpleasant atmosphere and I feel like really innocuous, everyday conversations escalate into these weirdly heated conflicts that leave me feel utterly bewildered, deflated and frustrated. Wondering how on earth we got here....Other people in my life know me as a mild-mannered and diplomatic sort of person and no-one else reacts to me like he does. It is absolutely exhausting and demoralising, and i feel quite emotionally numb towards him.
He is currently getting counselling. His job is occasionally stressful but nothing terrible (I work in a similar industry and know his company well, so I have a bit of insight). He probably is depressed but the behaviour is so hurtful and exhausting. Help!

Will he see his doctor? If he is depressed he should seek help from his GP.

What sort of counsellor is he seeing and did he decide of his own accord to see a counsellor?.

How does he behave now around other people?. My guess is he does not treat his work colleagues in the same ways as he does to you. The silent treatment from him is also emotional abuse. Abusive men can also ramp up the power and control against their target in pregnancy and after the birth. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry.

This is no life for you and your child and you both need to be apart from him now. I would also contact Womens Aid and seek their advice.

You say he's been like this the last 2 years, but how long have you been together in total? Sulking is a form of punishment and control. Its not unusual for controlling men to show their true colours once a baby is on the scene and they have you trapped, so to speak.

Remember too that the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none.

How many people in your real life circle know about this, probably none sadly. Abuse like this thrives on secrecy.

My husband doesn’t sulk but he does get annoyed at, seemingly, small things. He has adhd and that can play a part but his personality is just more highly strung than mine, so I find it hard to be empathetic.
mine has also been getting therapy (his choice) and he is sometimes more thoughtful but he still gets annoyed at too much noise from the kids and at a mistake being made etc.
it can be incredibly down heartening- especially when he refuses to partake in a conversation about an everyday thing that’s important to me, but banal to him.

does he do a lot with friends/hobbies? I have found his exercise/going paddle boarding/jet skiing with his friends makes him much more relaxed. Also not wfh as much!

I don’t have any advice really, just sympathy and j hope he gets better!

Been together nearly 6 years, married 2, he wasn't like this before 2020. A few bad mood days but nothing on this level. It's like a total personality change.

My mum, another family member and a friend know. I've called my mum in tears on numerous occasions. She is sympathetic but I think she is getting a bit fed up of me going on about the situation and I don't want to keep dumping on her. She lives nearby and I see her regularly. I keep telling these three individuals what is going on because I need to reassure myself that I'm not going mad and my gut instinct was that i need to tell someone else about my situation. It's like leaving a proverbial trail of breadcrumbs in the forest. To make sure I don't entirely disappear. But to them it probably seems like another dramatic phonecall or episode of my domestic drama and it is probably exhausting to be on the recieving end of

Sadly some men change once they have a 'wife'. They put in less effort and show their true colours but they also start seeing you 'their wife' more like their mother or expect you to behave as their mother did when they were growing up.
So if their mother was a 'nag' in their eyes they subconsciously see you that way.
Plus some men never actually mature into fully functioning adults they stall at the teenage stage. Moods, tantrums and a sense of entitlement.

He went of his own accord and it's for grief counseling around his dad's death.
He is really rude to his mum (more bickering and being surly rather than anything outright nasty, but I would never speak to my mum like that) but as far as I can see he is perfectly pleasant and normal to others.

A close friend has been gently suggesting we take some time out.

I'm not perfect in the situation - I have clashed a bit with his mum as I find her overbearing, I've been a bit short with him on occasion due to sleep deprivation with the baby (I do all the night wakings as I'm on mat leave and we had a patch where I was barely scraping three hours sleep a night) and I haven't been very physically affectionate to him. Sleep deprivation, colic, a birth injury (now almost healed) and a baby who just seems to be awake/on all the time have really tanked our intimate life and frankly I'm finding his moods a real turn-off, so he probably feels rejected. And I was very moody and had a tendency to catastrophise in my first trimester so I'm hardly a saint. But I am really working on being less reactive and to be honest I'm pretty calm most of the time these days. I stayed with family when he had to travel for work recently and I had a few comments from family members about how calm and happy I seemed with the baby so I think I'm doing something right!

I agree with the pp who say an abusive man often doesn't show his true colours until after marriage or babies.

Can I ask, do you work or are you planning to go back to work?

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, can you sit him down on one of his 'good' days and explain the impact he's having on family life and suggest he go to the doctors to discuss his feelings and to check he's not depressed? He's obviously aware, in some part. of his feelings as he's having counselling?

Planning on going back to work in September. I want to give him a chance to redeem himself so a serious talk on a "good" day is one idea. He keeps on apologizing for his behaviour to me and tells me he wants to do better and get back to his old self, so he does realise he is doing it. The problem is he apologises and then repeats the exact same behaviour a day or two later. He still won't entertain the idea of going to the GP

I am starting to wonder if he simply doesn't want to grow up. The way he treats his mum is very juvenile and the relationship has never really transitioned to what I call an adult relationship -its all nagging, bickering, whining etc. Subconsciously he may well see me as a nag or some silly little woman at home

So he is absolutely being abusive to you, a new mother.

Time apart is a good suggestion.

Thank goodness you are returning to work.

How does he behave with others?

Bullet proof your contraception and ask yourself is this really the environment you want your child to grow up in?

You cannot fix him.

Ask him to leave to figure out what he wants.

I suspect you will find life easier not living with a sulky bully.

Mind yourself.

You both deserve better.

Did he want to have children? The timing seems to be tied in with you becoming pregnant.

Olinguita

re your comments in quote marks:
"I want to give him a chance to redeem himself so a serious talk on a "good" day is one idea".

He will merely do what he has done before i.e apologise then repeat. You in turn now need to get off this merry go around completely before he affects you and in turn your child further. These men are beyond redemption and you cannot fix him or save him.

"He keeps on apologizing for his behaviour to me and tells me he wants to do better and get back to his old self, so he does realise he is doing it. The problem is he apologises and then repeats the exact same behaviour a day or two later. He still won't entertain the idea of going to the GP"

This is the mindset really of an abusive person and is called the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. Its also a continuous cycle. Its always someone else's fault; in this case yours, never their own. He won't ever go to the GP either because he is not depressed and he is angry. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. I am not at all surprised he hates his mother; I am wondering also what sort of childhood this man had. Even if his childhood was not great its still no excuse for how he is behaving to and around you now. This is all on him.

Time apart is a very good idea now; you need to have space and time away from him.

Planning on going back to work in September. I want to give him a chance to redeem himself so a serious talk on a "good" day is one idea. He keeps on apologizing for his behaviour to me and tells me he wants to do better and get back to his old self, so he does realise he is doing it. The problem is he apologises and then repeats the exact same behaviour a day or two later. He still won't entertain the idea of going to the GP

It's good you're going back to work, please don't become financially dependent on this man.

If he won't entertain the idea of going to his gp then you have to accept this is him. If he's apologetic and then repeats himself, he's showing you he thinks he can continue to do this with no consequences as you'll continue to forgive him. A truly sorry person would realise what they are doing, apologise, and try to put measures in place, such as visiting a gp, to resolve them.

Perhaps he should see his GP to consider antidepressants. He doesn’t need to be deeply depressed. They will tend to level out his mood, and hopefully reduce his irritation.

Otherwise he could take St Johns Wort. It’s available in health shops and chemists.

it can have a similar calming affect. Please Google it. I believe it is used extensively in Germany.

Interestingly he had a happy and idyllic childhood. He has been supportive of my career ambitions and my side hustle, and his ex from college days who he is still good friends with (and who I have met on numerous occasions) is a real go-getter and is mega successful in her chosen field. So I would never have had him down as someone who hates women. But you are right, his actions smack of misogyny.
He didn't get to see his dad one last time before he passed away because covid restrictions meant it wasn't feasible to do a quick trip home without a mega long quarantine at both ends, and I was getting to the end of my pregnancy at that point, so there was a risk of him missing the birth. Tbf none of us knew his dad was dying, we just thought he was unwell. Maybe he is still angry with me for this. Something is eating him and he won't tell me what it is. I feel like I'm being punished. But at the same time he tells me every few days what a wonderful mum and wife I am. Continuous cycle of building up and then these awful moods....

Part of it is he takes you for granted so thinks he can treat you any which way and act as stroppy as he likes around and towards you.

It might be a good idea to separate while he gets help. That way he'll know he can't take you for granted.

We seem to be in a "nice" cycle at the moment.... It's all so confusing.

This is the mindset really of an abusive person and is called the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. Its also a continuous cycle

This is the mindset really of an abusive person and is called the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. Its also a continuous cycle. Its always someone else's fault; in this case yours, never their own. He won't ever go to the GP either because he is not depressed and he is angry.

Listen to Attila. A lot of women don't stay with men if they're nasty 100% of the time, unless they're truly terrified of their partners. Usually, even unpleasant people can have good days, or have good qualities, but you have to look at the person as whole and decide if those bad qualities are worth living with, if their good qualities are really amazing.

He seems to have no ability to regulate his own emotions - if I feel upset about something, he gets upset, if the baby cries he gets agitated and says he can't cope with the sound, if I want to have a conversation about a parenting dilemma (eg should we sleep train our extremely bad sleeper of a baby) or to talk about our household budget (I do all our finances and I recently sent him a spreadsheet to show him which bills were increasing) he clams up and refuses to engage, and gets weirdly defensive

He gets upset when you're upset not because he's truly empathic - it's because he's neurotic and having to 'deal' with someone makes him flustered and agitated. He won't engage with you on other topics because he just doesn't want to OP - he just wants you do deal with all of it and not bother. He will continue to be sulky, unhelpful and an asshole until you get that message and learn that you cannot expect support from him.

He keeps on apologizing for his behaviour to me and tells me he wants to do better and get back to his old self, so he does realise he is doing it. The problem is he apologises and then repeats the exact same behaviour a day or two later. He still won't entertain the idea of going to the GP

Have you posted before OP? Either you have, or some of these posts are so similar that they're blending into each other for me. The behaviour is so similar. He won't go to the GP because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. This is probably an ingrained personality issue. There's no treatment for that.

Yes, he realises that he's doing it. Maybe a small part of him cares, or maybe he's really good at acting that he cares, or maybe he did once actually care.....BUT.....it's happening again again. The reason why it will keep happening again and again is despite his apologies, he probably doesn't see it as a big deal and probably thinks you are being silly and oversensitive.

If you leave, I can bet you he will be lovely to you. Or if he senses you are truly on your way out, he'll have a bit of a panic and will be on his best behaviour for months. I wonder if part of the reason why he's like this now is that he think he 'has' you, or that you're dependent on him so he's started to behave as he pleases.

he wants to do better and get back to his old self, so he does realise he is doing it

Have you heard of future-faking? This reminds me of that. He gives you just enough to hang on.

There are a few hurdles you will need to get over in order to leave him (if you want to)

• Learning to trust yourself
• Letting go of the person you thought he was and grieve for that.
• Re-imaginging your future with your child without him instead of the one you have spent probably a considerable amount of time building.
• Looking at the hard evidence instead of what you want to happen. What does he actually do? What is actually happening at the moment? Imagine that you are writing a report and that you enter your house as this other person, a visitor who is writing a report on you as a couple. What do you think they would observe? What, in that situation, would you recommend that a woman in your situation do?

My situation was a bit different to yours but I got tired of being on that Merry-go-Round and just didn't want to be disappointed and disrespected any more.

Maybe this is just who he is OP. I have an adult son who is sometimes rude and unpleasant to me, esp when stressed out. Not how he was brought up and he also had a happy childhood. But, for whatever reason, this is kind of who he is now, as a man.

When dealing with loved ones I think there are lots of reasons we want explanations.

1. to try and make some "sense" of it.
2. So we have hope for the future.
3. So we can find some kind of solution.

All these are valid, and maybe your DH will be able to change his behaviour.

But don't count on it as often people are just who.they.are. They can't even help it probably at least half the time, which is one reason why behaviour doesn't change even after many apologies. So please bear this in mind. You don't have to stay.

P.S. Your DH's behaviour sounds pretty intolerable btw. All his behaviours, also is this his passive-aggressive way of saying he doesn't want to be with you anymore?

My ex DH was very similar to what you describe. He was quite cheerful and ebullient when we got together but once we had our first child he started cycling between grumpy/angry/depression and nice/remorseful/contrite. It got worse after our second and the bad moods came to dominate our lives. He never got a proper diagnosis or was willing to take medication or therapy beyond a couple of sessions. I don't know if he is bipolar or a misogynist or BPD. In the end it didn't matter, I just couldn't take it anymore. That took 20 years of my life. I strongly encourage you to think about continuing your relationship with him unless he takes serious and consistent steps to deal with it. The nice phases will confuse and lull you into thinking he has really changed. My ex DH begged for my forgiveness a thousand times it was all just a ploy (witting or unwitting) to keep me with him. He still goes up and down (we co-parent) but it is no longer my problem.

He is most likely sensing that you're pulling away and are at the end of your tether so is throwing some crumbs to you and being 'nice'. Why be at mercy of his moods? You must be exhausted from walking on egg shells around this despicable man. He is ruining your maternity leave, you won't get this time back. Also, your baby will be affected by the tension, no matter how much you try to protect him from it all.