The never-ending moods

[Olinguita]

DH has become increasingly moody and volatile in the past two years. It's not been an easy time for him - he lost his Dad, we had our first baby and then of course there was COVID/lockdowns (and spending every day cooped up together). Pre-2020 he was positive, sunny and happy-go-lucky, known by all as a very down to earth and warm person. Not so any more. He goes into bad moods every couple of days that involve him going around with a scowl and his jaw clenched, denying that there is anything wrong and getting angry with me when I ask if he is ok. He semi-checks out of family life in these moods and spends a lot of time languishing on the sofa doom-scrolling while I busy myself with the baby and try to get on with the day.
He seems to have no ability to regulate his own emotions - if I feel upset about something, he gets upset, if the baby cries he gets agitated and says he can't cope with the sound, if I want to have a conversation about a parenting dilemma (eg should we sleep train our extremely bad sleeper of a baby) or to talk about our household budget (I do all our finances and I recently sent him a spreadsheet to show him which bills were increasing) he clams up and refuses to engage, and gets weirdly defensive.
Things he has gone into major sulks over include:
-Me not being able to eat spicy food in my first trimester due to bad morning sickness

• being asked to help set up a new bed that we had ordered during my pregnancy (I was too pregnant to do it myself)

-being asked to stop picking his feet and burping while we were watching TV at home together because I found it distracting -me asking him to turn the heating down when his mum was staying as she had cranked it up to the maximum and I was worried worried about our then-newborn overheating -me asking him what he wanted to do on a Saturday -me expressing mild frustration one day that the baby wouldn't nap during a sleep regression and I just wanted to sit down and read/have a cuppa -me parking the pram with napping newborn in a spot in the hallway that he didn't like, because he said it "triggered" him

The sulks create a really unpleasant atmosphere and I feel like really innocuous, everyday conversations escalate into these weirdly heated conflicts that leave me feel utterly bewildered, deflated and frustrated. Wondering how on earth we got here....Other people in my life know me as a mild-mannered and diplomatic sort of person and no-one else reacts to me like he does. It is absolutely exhausting and demoralising, and i feel quite emotionally numb towards him.
He is currently getting counselling. His job is occasionally stressful but nothing terrible (I work in a similar industry and know his company well, so I have a bit of insight). He probably is depressed but the behaviour is so hurtful and exhausting. Help!

Exactly this. It happened to me..

Sodium valproate (Epillim) saved my relationship, DH takes it and has done for 7 years. It’s a drug used for epilepsy but also used to even out mood. Despite the current fashion for talking therapies, I don’t think they help all people or that families should suffer while the therapy ‘works’, is being trialled or can take a long time to work.

I felt held to ransom by DH’s moods and eventually dh had a choice no pills = no us or take the pills, mood stabilised and we had a future. He did not want to take drugs but made the choice that taking pills means he has a family life and home with me. Dealing with a mood sapping, distant, grumpy DH who is not pulling his weight for days, months, years, always being on edge due to the next mood inflicted on a household is enough to drive you to need psychological care. Please put your foot down and say enough is enough, in my experience men are bad at taking responsibility for their moods and behaviour. After years of dealing with ‘what’s he going to be like today’ I got a bit tough, he knew I meant it and it’s irreversibly improved our life together. Modelling self care and using medicine as a means to return to a harmonious family environment is a good lesson to your child. Worked for us, may not work for you but possibly worth a try, good luck.

This is the OP'S future.

The change happens with the arrival of the first child.

Well done for getting out.

20 years is a long time.

This man had a cheery mask to lure you in to this relationship. Now you have a baby, he feels you are trapped enough to let the mask slip. This is who he truly is, not the cheery chap who you fell in love with. This abusive man will erode your confidence and destroy your happiness. Get out now while the baby hardly knows who he is and before his foul moods affect the child.

Thanks very much for the replies, folks. Lots of food for thought and I appreciate your directness. @asquideatingdough that sounds awful and chillingly familiar. I hope you are enjoying life now that you are free of his behaviour.

I did mention on my OP but perhaps didn't emphasise it enough that FIL died last year and it hit DH really hard. To what extent, of any, do you think a grieving process could have caused this behaviour, and does it make it excusable at all? DH is an only child and his mum (who is much younger than FIL) has become emotionally and financially his responsibility. She is mostly fit and healthy but can't cope with living solo and keeps having breakdowns. So he has a lot on his plate right now. I am wondering if this is behind the anger towards me but he won't discuss it with. I don't get on brilliantly with his mum but want to support her as best we can, out of a sense of decent and family values, whilst making sure we keep some boundaries in place. To put it bluntly (and perhaps I am being selfish) I don't want her to come and live with us, which is what I think she is angling for. We've already had staying for 2 months when the baby was newborn and it was hard going.. not enough space, lots of bickering between her and DH, not really ideal for a new mum but I toughed it out.... Ive tried to talk to him about how to best work as a team to support his widowed and struggling mum while making sure we also have a healthy nuclear family dynamic and he keeps shutting me down about it and refusing to engage. Hope this isn't a drip feed but I guess I wanted to add context that the situation is a bit of a tinderbox right now and I guess they Re both hacked off that I'm advocating for what I want both now and in the future whilst they are still grieving. Slightly scared this is all a bit outing so I may have to take down in due course. Any thoughts most welcome.... I start solo counselling in a few weeks btw and the health visitor is aware of my predicament

Ps I always knew before marriage we would have to provide a lot of support to MIL but now I feel pole-axed by the extent of it, and I didn't bargain for how volatile and erratic they would both become. I feel like I've been naive and harsh at the same time but equally I'm in over my head and now I live with this man I don't recognise any more and we have a baby....

I'm going to go against the tide here.. I don't agree about the cheery mask of an abusive man narrative.
It sounds way more complex, you dp lost his dad... He did not go and see him, he probably is carrying an enormous amount of guilt and grief about this. He is projecting that, maybe he sees you and your pregnancy as the reason he didn't see his dying father.. Whether or not you both agreed he would not go at the time, grief and guilt twists your thoughts.
Now he has his mother being needy, he had his wife with a newborn, quite understably sleep deprived and stressed, he had his own grief, and no siblings to share this burden.
Can mnetters not find any empathy for this person who sounds utterly overwhelmed and is just not coping.
All that said... He needs some straight but supportive talking... Its a positive he found a councellor himself, he obviously has insight into the situation.
But I would be taking the "this cannot continue, we are both unhappy, go and discuss whether you are depressed with the gp or we need to have time apart"
I presume you still love him and want to make it work? He needs support as much as you do.

I totally agree with the redjellybean, grief is the most awful thing and he can't deal with in the comfort of a familiar life that could help him feel safe - there was a pandemic, a newborn and now a mother who's totally become his responsibility (which is incredibly unfair unless she's frail, sick and aged) and he has no siblings to share that burden with..
Could ye go to counselling together? Could you go to some of his sessions with him? Or see his therapist separately? Some couples' therapists do individual sessions with the couple first

I think there's too much on MN sometimes about the abuse cycle.. Some people change because life gets unspeakably hard and they need help and then they become themselves again albeit changed from the trauma but you can't just say this is who he really is, he's been through a lot..
And may subconsciously see the baby (and you, unfortunately) as the reason he was robbed of that time with his Dad, maybe not but I think it would be really good to try and figure it all out xx

I don't think my ex DH was consciously concealing his true self to lure me in during the early years. I also don't think he was abusive. He had reasons to be unhappy and troubled that stemmed from his childhood. But he had an inability to regulate his emotions and - most importantly for me- was unwilling to take the significant and permanent effort required to deal with the consequences of this, even when it cost him his marriage.

OP- your situation with your mother in law sounds like a huge burden. I agree that and losing his father are no doubt part of why your DH is reacting this way. But the issue for you is not, "Does he have a valid reason for being awful?" but rather, "Does he recognise he is being awful? Is he communicating with you? Is he doing what he can to get through this time without harming you?" If the answer to these is no and remains no then the fact he had "good reasons" to be awful becomes irrelevant. We all go through trauma in life, the question is how we deal with it.

@Theredjellybean you are spot-on, it's a complex situation and DH deserves compassion and support. He knew his Dad was ill but didn't get to see him before he passed away because he was in another country and his parents didn't disclose the extent of his illness (that is to say, that he was actually dying) to DH because I was heavily pregnant and I guess they though it would upset him too much or they didn't want him to leave my side. So DH decided not to go to see his Dad and stayed with me for the birth, a decision that was made entirely of his own volition, but sadly without complete information.. I had tried to tactfully suggest during pregnancy that maybe we could think about having my mum or aunt as a backup birth partner in case he had to go to his home country and didn't make it back in time.. I wasn't entirely opposed to the prospect of him risking missing the birth and it was something I genuinely tried to open up an honest discussion about because I knew he was in a terribly hard position. I'm glad he was there for the birth but I feel like I'm paying dearly for it now.
So I suspect there is a lot of anger simmering away towards me because I was basically the reason he didn't get to see his dad again.
However we cannot go on like this. I want to make sure we give the marriage a fighting chance. For me, a brief separation feels sensible, but when I suggested it he became extremely angry and threatened suicide. I really did mean it as a chance to get some breathing space NOT as a pretext for chucking him out or a precursor to divorce. We've been living on top of each other for too long what with the pandemic and the pressure cooker of life with a baby and I think some space would be really beneficial

Also, I think unless someone is very self - aware most people do revert back to a younger version of themselves around their parents to some extent.

@Rowen32 @asquideatingdough excellent points, thank you.
He deserves compassion and he isn't coping after being dealt a series of really challenging events in quick succession. To boot, we didn't get an "easy" baby (colic and VERY poor sleeper - and yes I have tried sleep training!!).
There are limits to what I can tolerate though and he sort of does know he is being awful

This 100%, unfortunately....

You’re making excuses for him OP. Sorry. He is a grown up man and you are not the ‘reason’ he didn’t get to say good bye to his dad. Stop enabling him. There’s a difference between that and compassion.

For me, a brief separation feels sensible, but when I suggested it he became extremely angry and threatened suicide.

This isn't ok @Olinguita .

Of course he's going to be nice sometimes- there has to be some tolerable times or no woman would stay in unpleasant situations as long as they often do.

He has had a lot on his plate, but he has absolutely no right to blame you for not being able to be there when his dad died. Life is shitty sometimes, he needs to work through that in counselling and stop holding it against you. That has to be a red line.

I also think his parents not telling him the truth is a huge breach of trust and he deserved to be told the real story so he's potentially furious at them both and maybe unable to let it out because it can be difficult to feel allowed to be angry at someone who's passed and because his Mam doesn't seem to be coping - has he dealt with all that I wonder?
I often think even the most self aware people struggle sometimes and it's often whoever is there (i.e) you gets the brunt of it.
I'm not excusing it at all but often times my husband and I will be in a row and one or both of us knows it's not the real issue and usually when we go off and calm down it's something entirely different (maybe I'm feeling grief or he's having family trouble) and we don't realise so it manifests as something entirely different - honestly, emotions are so tricky to deal with.
Could you rephrase the separation? Just saying your parents invited you for a break?
It might be that the idea of losing you is too much to bear in the grief but if it was rephrased as something positive it might not seem as scary to him.
I know I'm going against the tide in my responses but I know grief and it's so awful

For me, a brief separation feels sensible, but when I suggested it he became extremely angry and threatened suicide

Just wow. I missed that. Be careful you are not being manipulated into an impossible position here. Very dodgy response by him. Did you know that threatening suicide is often a precursor to homicide? Not to scare you, but to say its a very revealing and scary response/tactic.

I don't know whether you should stay with him or not, OP. But two things I am sure about.

1. DO NOT LET HIS MOTHER MOVE IN. EVER. Your problems will multiply by 10.
2. There are other people in the world. Some of them are nice, life-enhancing and even interesting. Lots of shitheads, but ignore that. Being alone can also be very satisfying and fulfilling. Whatever the case, you don't have to tie your wagon to a miserable, moody bastard at the end of the day, just because you "met him". And if you do proceed along that path, you are also potentially denying you (and your child) a happier life.

OP, I am so sorry but this is a dreadful situation and his threatening suicide is both controlling manipulative and abusive.

You are stuck between two very difficult people and really need to protect yourself.

I think you need to speak to Women's aid.

I think you need to tell your family and friends the truth, and actively seek to take some time away from him.

How you have survived this long, god knows, but it sounds so awful.

I think you have put up with a lot.

Your priority needs to be yours and your childs welfare.

Leave him to his mother.

The idea that she would move in with you, is beyond shocking.

Get as far away from them both as possible.

OP my husband behaved exactly as yours has done…and I put up with it for 20 years. The birth of our DC was the start of a huge personality change for him, one that got more and more extreme until I could bear it no longer. I posted on here and had support from Attila and Billy and many others…and I finally found the strength to ask for a trial separation, during which I hoped he would get help. He got very angry and flew into a rage and threatened to kill himself…

your compassion is understandable given he’s just lost his father, but given the eerie similarity with my circumstances I think it is misplaced. My ex is abusive- it is very hard to say that even now- but I wish I’d realised earlier and got me and the DC out if there when they were younger.

look after your own needs, and the little one’s, first; if your husband won’t get help that, sadly, tells you all you need to know.

If he threatens suicide @Olinguita , call an ambulance immediately for them to assess him. Contrary to popular belief, people saying they'll kill themselves has to be taken seriously.

It'd also be calling his bluff so if he's not genuine he might STFU and not say it as a manipulation tactic again.

I also think this sounds more like depression and someone who is spiralling rather than abuse. The suicide threat should definitely be taken seriously. Of course it's not a good thing to say, and should never be used to manipulate someone, but equally some people do say it because it's actually how they feel so it shouldn't just be dismissed as a controlling tactic.

I agree with a PP who said you just need to talk to him along the lines of this is not working, we're both unhappy, we need to find a way to get more support etc.

And for what it's worth, I've experienced emotional abuse and I've had serious depression myself.

Thanks for the replies folks, lots of food for thought here. I am walking a difficult tightrope between supporting someone who I genuinely think is spiralling and not coping and making sure that I look after myself (and provide a healthy environment for the kid). A few friends and family members know about the situation, some have brushed it off as standard relationship troubles in the first year after having a baby. Another was horrified and posted me a book on domestic abuse. I'm so very tired at the moment... The heatwave has really messed with the baby's sleep and I am running on a few hours sleep myself at the moment...