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Original poster

Is this gaslighting?

43 replies

Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 18:37

I've been with my partner for 8 years now and we have a 1 year old DD.
We argue a lot. He didn't initially want a baby. He then said he would if I lost weight.

Anyway I could bulk this out with loads of past issues but I'll jump to the most recent.

I am going back to work part time because we can afford it. Started about a month ago. He still expects me to do the nights, mornings and weekends as I did on maternity leave because he's the reason we can afford me to work less.

There are other issues but if I share all of them it could be outing but basically when I try and raise stuff, we have a massive row. He always gets mad and shouts and swears at me and calls me names. Then he tells me it's my fault because I always cause a row and have issues...he just wants to spend his time doing what he loves and doesn't want me to raise anything. He calls it me "starting aggro" every time. Because this has been ongoing now, i often bottle it up and sometimes I try to raise stuff in a civil way and sometimes I may just make a sarcastic comment when I've reached the end of my tether...this will cause explosive rows where he calls.me some of the worst names imaginable.

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 19/07/2022 18:42

I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s all gaslighting, some is. But he sounds absolutely vile.

Blanca87 · 19/07/2022 18:45

Why are you with him?

Normando91 · 19/07/2022 18:51

Honestly, I decided after my ex that I would never again tolerate being with someone who raised their voice at me instead of having an adult conversation to work out whatever issue we were facing.

Why would you want to be with someone who treated you that way? And why would you want your child growing up, seeing her dad shouting at you any time you have a minor disagreement.

Also, you both made that child, you’re both equally responsible for raising her, regardless of working hours, he should be helping out.

Original poster
Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 18:51

Hes an amazing dad. Things were great at the beginning. Now I feel like I need to stay for our DD

OP posts:
Gotmynewshoes · 19/07/2022 18:52

It sounds like gaslighting. It also sounds like massive entitlement. Neither fun.

DatingDinosaur · 19/07/2022 18:53

“when I try and raise stuff, we have a massive row. He always gets mad and shouts and swears at me and calls me names. Then he tells me it's my fault because I always cause a row and have issues”

Didn’t need to read any further than this. Gaslighting or not, he’s a selfish, immature knob.

The only way you can stop him speaking to you/treating you like that is by dumping him and communicating only about your child.

You raising issues “with sarcasm” is because you already know how he’ll react. You’ve resigned yourself to accepting name calling and shouting and swearing and dropping your standards to match his, albeit in a different way.

Rise above it. He’s made it clear he hasn’t grown up emotionally. You can’t change him.

Original poster
Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 18:55

DatingDinosaur · 19/07/2022 18:53

“when I try and raise stuff, we have a massive row. He always gets mad and shouts and swears at me and calls me names. Then he tells me it's my fault because I always cause a row and have issues”

Didn’t need to read any further than this. Gaslighting or not, he’s a selfish, immature knob.

The only way you can stop him speaking to you/treating you like that is by dumping him and communicating only about your child.

You raising issues “with sarcasm” is because you already know how he’ll react. You’ve resigned yourself to accepting name calling and shouting and swearing and dropping your standards to match his, albeit in a different way.

Rise above it. He’s made it clear he hasn’t grown up emotionally. You can’t change him.

I realised I was stooping to his level and he's right maybe that I start the unpleasantness so I decided to just try a really civil, facts only approach. But I also find myself weighing up whether an issue is worth raising for the possible row

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2022 19:03

He is not an amazing dad to his child if he treats you as her mother like he does.
Women in poor relationships often write this comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship with someone like this, no you would not and he is not good enough for you either.

Staying for your child is a frankly terrible idea, all that will do is show her that she as a woman should also accept such shoddy, not just to say abusive, treatment from a man. In the meantime you will become further ground down by his level of abuse against you and in turn your DD.

Hiw can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

DatingDinosaur · 19/07/2022 19:05

My point is, that you never used to do that until you realised he was going to be a knob regardless of how you raised any conversations that he wouldn’t like.
You absolutely should be able to have adult, mature conversations with your partner.

The fact that he isn’t capable of that means he’s the one who has some growing up to do and issues to address.

If you stop raising conversations that need discussing for fear/worry/concern that he’ll go off on one then that’s not a healthy relationship to be in and he’s basically grooming you to put up and shut up.

You’ll feel frustrated, hurt, angry, lose your confidence and be constantly treading on eggshells around him.

Why put yourself through that when he doesn’t want to change. You’re making all the effort to be adult and mature when discussing things – how is he matching that?

Original poster
Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 19:06

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2022 19:03

He is not an amazing dad to his child if he treats you as her mother like he does.
Women in poor relationships often write this comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship with someone like this, no you would not and he is not good enough for you either.

Staying for your child is a frankly terrible idea, all that will do is show her that she as a woman should also accept such shoddy, not just to say abusive, treatment from a man. In the meantime you will become further ground down by his level of abuse against you and in turn your DD.

Hiw can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

I don't know. I feel like things were good enough for a while that I let him take over finances. I used to be the "earner " and now I can't afford to leave. I'm worried how he will react if I say I want to (he's not violent)

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 19/07/2022 19:15

Seriously lovely, this is not what a great dad looks like. Far, far from it. You don't deserve to be anybody's emotional punch bag and he is abusive and nasty

Original poster
Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 19:19

I've told him that I won't accept the things he calls me and we agreed to talk more civilly. He said he's happy to have time together if I organise it.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 19/07/2022 19:21

I don't think it matters whether or not its gaslighting or what name you put on it. Its not right.

wellhelloitsme · 19/07/2022 19:25

I have no idea how you can call him and amazing dad.

Staying in this relationship relationship will teach your daughter that this is a normal and acceptable way for men to treat her:

He always gets mad and shouts and swears at me and calls me names.

Could you live with seeing her in that kind of relationship?

And in the present, can you live with her being frightened by her dad being shouty, sweary and calling her mum names?

You'll say it all happens when she isn't there. People like me will explain to you that we were the kids our parents thought couldn't hear them fighting. We heard it and learned to walk on eggshells along with our mums and to expect our own adult relationships to be tense, cause anxiety and involve shouting and swearing.

None of that is normal or acceptable.

If you can't leave for you then you should leave for your daughter.

He is not an amazing dad.

pinkyredrose · 19/07/2022 19:30

Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 18:51

Hes an amazing dad. Things were great at the beginning. Now I feel like I need to stay for our DD

Pls give your head a wobble. He's not gaslighting, he's an abusive twat. Do you want your daughter growing up thinking this is how men treat women?

Ohtoberoavingagain · 19/07/2022 19:30

Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 19:19

I've told him that I won't accept the things he calls me and we agreed to talk more civilly. He said he's happy to have time together if I organise it.

Well isn’t he a prince? He’s happy to spend time with his family as long as you organise it! Really, are you prepared to put up with this treatment — and let your child grow up seeing and hearing this treatment— for the next 10, 20, 30 years?

wellhelloitsme · 19/07/2022 19:32

wellhelloitsme · 19/07/2022 19:25

I have no idea how you can call him and amazing dad.

Staying in this relationship relationship will teach your daughter that this is a normal and acceptable way for men to treat her:

He always gets mad and shouts and swears at me and calls me names.

Could you live with seeing her in that kind of relationship?

And in the present, can you live with her being frightened by her dad being shouty, sweary and calling her mum names?

You'll say it all happens when she isn't there. People like me will explain to you that we were the kids our parents thought couldn't hear them fighting. We heard it and learned to walk on eggshells along with our mums and to expect our own adult relationships to be tense, cause anxiety and involve shouting and swearing.

None of that is normal or acceptable.

If you can't leave for you then you should leave for your daughter.

He is not an amazing dad.

And you say there are other issues too. This isn't a healthy relationship.

There are other issues but if I share all of them it could be outing

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2022 19:42

You do not have to share the rest of the issues out of some innate fear that you would get outed. What you have written already is bad enough.

Why do you state you cannot afford to leave?. Where is your own real life support from family and or friends?.

At the very least you need to regain some level of control over the finances and that is something he will not let go of readily if at all. You’re also going to have to ask yourself why you gave away so much power and control in this relationship to him. I presume your DD has his surname as well.

Original poster
Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 20:04

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2022 19:42

You do not have to share the rest of the issues out of some innate fear that you would get outed. What you have written already is bad enough.

Why do you state you cannot afford to leave?. Where is your own real life support from family and or friends?.

At the very least you need to regain some level of control over the finances and that is something he will not let go of readily if at all. You’re also going to have to ask yourself why you gave away so much power and control in this relationship to him. I presume your DD has his surname as well.

I honestly don't know. I know I'm pathetic and a lot of the reaction on here makes sense. I used to be so self assured and now I don't feel like myself. My best friend is already supporting me and offering me a safe space. I haven't told anyone else in my family what's going on. I'm going to say the typical line now that everyone will eye roll at, but when it's good, I'm very happy. He's so good with DD who idolises him.

And in reply to a PP. Yes she has his surname...

OP posts:
Whitehorsegirl · 19/07/2022 20:08

Why would you want to stay with a man who ''gets mad'', shouts at you and calls you names?

Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking it is OK for a man to treat a woman in this way?

I am amazed at how many women will just say ''but he is an amazing dad'' to try to make excuses for the vile man in their life. Decent men do not treat women in this way.

You are bending over backwards to accommodate a man who shows you no respect. Raise your self-esteem and get rid of him.

Fairislefandango · 19/07/2022 20:15

Why would you describe as 'an amazing dad' a man who didn't even want a baby, and now lets you do everything for her on the grounds that 'his earnings make you able to work part time' and is vile to his daughter's mother and calls you vile names? What's so 'amazing dad' about that?

Pegsonstrings · 19/07/2022 20:18

would you accept this kind of behaviour from a stranger? What would you advise your DD if she, in adulthood, confided in you with the things you already have disclosed? Stay?

think about it, whatever behaviour your other half is dishing out at you is something your DD will ultimately learn to be normal.
your OH has no respect for you. He is showing you this by telling you what he will accept from you in terms of his wantings.
he does not want you to raise anything relating to his behaviour. If you do you get a telling off with shouting.

he is a bully. His behaviour is not of a good father or a person. His behaviour will only get worse with time.

stop what you are doing, because you know you are in every right to demand respect, but talking to him isn’t going to pull the respect back, it will only make him angry.

men like that don’t like to be corrected, specially not by a woman and WHY would he have a baby once you lost weight, ffs that alone is so offensive to demand.

Original poster
Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 20:21

Honestly I know everything people are saying on here is right but I'm very very scared of making that step.

OP posts:
Original poster
Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 20:25

Does anyone have any advice? In terms of the fact I'm now contractually doing part time so haven't got enough childcare? Also won't earn enough to live alone with DD

OP posts:
Original poster
Southernbird2021 · 19/07/2022 20:41

Pegsonstrings · 19/07/2022 20:18

would you accept this kind of behaviour from a stranger? What would you advise your DD if she, in adulthood, confided in you with the things you already have disclosed? Stay?

think about it, whatever behaviour your other half is dishing out at you is something your DD will ultimately learn to be normal.
your OH has no respect for you. He is showing you this by telling you what he will accept from you in terms of his wantings.
he does not want you to raise anything relating to his behaviour. If you do you get a telling off with shouting.

he is a bully. His behaviour is not of a good father or a person. His behaviour will only get worse with time.

stop what you are doing, because you know you are in every right to demand respect, but talking to him isn’t going to pull the respect back, it will only make him angry.

men like that don’t like to be corrected, specially not by a woman and WHY would he have a baby once you lost weight, ffs that alone is so offensive to demand.

Because when we met I was very skinny. I was on a bit of an obsessive diet and exercise regime and then being in that "comfy relationship " I put on. He told.me he wasn't attracted to me anymore but, my own fault, he said from the start he wouldn't want to be with me if I gained.

OP posts: