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Original poster

He wants to marry, I don't

36 replies

KM092469 · 19/07/2022 14:46

I was married to my 1st husband for over 20 years and we had two children together. I married my 2nd husband pretty quickly and it was over within a year. When I met my boyfriend, I made it perfectly clear that I didn't want marriage and he felt the same. We have been together for 1-1/2 now. I recently found out that he had bought an engagement ring for me. He told me that he was planning to ask me to marry him in Salem MA (We never did go, my intuition told me not to go) He was going to do propose this past April when we had only been together a year, I have never been to Salem and it would have scarred me for life had he asked me and I turned him down. I have repeatedly told him that I don't want to marry and he has repeatedly ignored those pleas. He even told his mother he got me a ring BEFORE he told me, he told my sister and my best friend. The only reason I found out is because we got into a huge fight and broke up for a bit and he left it on my doorstep. We got back together and he keeps pushing the issue and was upset when I posted an article that I liked on facebook, about a woman who was married twice and didn't want to do it again. It resonated with me and I posted it, he got upset (like, um..I've been upfront about this). He has some good qualities and I'd had to completely break this relationship. Keep in mind that he too has two failed marriages and we are in our 50's, so I see no reason to do it again. Am I being difficult? I just don't understand why he can't understand where I am coming from.

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 19/07/2022 14:49

if you don't want to get married, you don't have to.

is it worth you being very clear with him one single time - "if you ask me, i will say no and that will be it for us. i don't want to be with someone who has such little regard for my feelings and wishes".

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2022 14:52

I have never been to Salem and it would have scarred me for life had he asked me and I turned him down.

Why? He knows you don't want marriage and he keeps pushing it. If he asks, you say no. And he decides if he wants to stay with you or not.

PintofPlain · 19/07/2022 14:52

It sounds as though you want totally different things. I married without wanting to at the instigation of my now-husband, but we’d been together for more than 20 years at that point, and had a baby in the way, so there were sound practical reasons that don’t apply in your case. If he’s incapable of respecting your wish not to marry again, and you are certain of your stance, it sounds as if your relationship has run its course.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2022 14:52

I’d dump him. He’s not respecting your wishes and trying to railroad you in an unfair way.

Goldpaw · 19/07/2022 14:55

Why are you still with someone who has so little respect for you?

Runningupthathill01 · 19/07/2022 14:58

Why is he not listening to you?

ZaraSizeMedium · 19/07/2022 14:59

Telling your sister and best friend he’s bought you a ring when you’ve repeatedly told him you won’t marry again smacks of manipulation.

He sounds the type to propose in public in front of loads of people, thinking you won’t be able to say no.

Dump this loser before he railroads you down the aisle.

Bananalanacake · 19/07/2022 15:01

Is it because you own a property and he doesn't. Either way he needs to respect your space.

coodawoodashooda · 19/07/2022 15:13

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 19/07/2022 14:49

if you don't want to get married, you don't have to.

is it worth you being very clear with him one single time - "if you ask me, i will say no and that will be it for us. i don't want to be with someone who has such little regard for my feelings and wishes".

I'd just say no. You don't need to add salt to the wound.

Original poster
KM092469 · 19/07/2022 15:24

Yep, you were together for more than 20 years! It's just been a year and a half for us..I might have said yes down the road, but now I won't since he won't respect my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
KM092469 · 19/07/2022 15:25

ZaraSizeMedium · 19/07/2022 14:59

Telling your sister and best friend he’s bought you a ring when you’ve repeatedly told him you won’t marry again smacks of manipulation.

He sounds the type to propose in public in front of loads of people, thinking you won’t be able to say no.

Dump this loser before he railroads you down the aisle.

Absolutely!! I was so mad when I found out he told everyone!

OP posts:
Original poster
KM092469 · 19/07/2022 15:26

Bananalanacake · 19/07/2022 15:01

Is it because you own a property and he doesn't. Either way he needs to respect your space.

No, he has his own place and his own business. Yes, I agree on respecting space.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 19/07/2022 15:27

I wish I'd stuck to my guns and hadn't been pressured into it so I wouldn't now be going through a divorce

civetcat · 19/07/2022 15:28

You are not being 'difficult'. You have been explicit you do not wish to get married but he is trying to coerce and manipulate you, and appears to have no respect for you. He doesn't look like marriage material to me.

I was once in relationship with a man who pushed very, very hard for us to live together when I didn't want to. He wasn't pleased I refused but I knew then and now that my decision was the right one.

Homewardbound2022 · 19/07/2022 15:40

Bananalanacake · 19/07/2022 15:01

Is it because you own a property and he doesn't. Either way he needs to respect your space.

What I was thinking....
Was he cleaned out in his two divorces?

Original poster
KM092469 · 19/07/2022 16:07

Homewardbound2022 · 19/07/2022 15:40

What I was thinking....
Was he cleaned out in his two divorces?

Show quote history

His second wife forced him into bankruptcy, however, this was years ago and he has since been out of bankruptcy. He is doing okay for himself in that aspect.

OP posts:
Original poster
KM092469 · 19/07/2022 16:08

civetcat · 19/07/2022 15:28

You are not being 'difficult'. You have been explicit you do not wish to get married but he is trying to coerce and manipulate you, and appears to have no respect for you. He doesn't look like marriage material to me.

I was once in relationship with a man who pushed very, very hard for us to live together when I didn't want to. He wasn't pleased I refused but I knew then and now that my decision was the right one.

Yes, it's the intuition and you have to listen to it. I am trying to listen to mine, that's his other push, to live together.

OP posts:
Original poster
KM092469 · 19/07/2022 16:08

fedup078 · 19/07/2022 15:27

I wish I'd stuck to my guns and hadn't been pressured into it so I wouldn't now be going through a divorce

Sorry about that. That's why I am so adamant.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 19/07/2022 16:14

A bit off-topic, but why on earth would he plan to propose to you in Salem, MA? Do you live in the area? It's a tourist trap, the parking is a nightmare, and everything has a witchcraft theme. The only things worth seeing there are the Peabody Essex Museum and some of the old-period houses that are open to view. Turners Seafood is also worth a visit.

Zone2NorthLondon · 19/07/2022 16:16

Marriage a mutually consenting arrangement if one partner isn’t wholly in,then it’s a no
interest You’re getting supportive posts of no!you don’t have to marry if you’re not keen etc. whenever women post a man won’t marry, it’s sympathy and he has to do right you. It only needs to be a registry office reassure him it’s not a big do, give him an ultimatum etc
He knows your views and yet is determinedly pursuing marriage. Time he actually listened to you. Sure he’ll be disappointed but it’s not your role to acquiesce to his wishes and protect him from disappointment

Pinkbonbon · 19/07/2022 16:23

Dump the weirdo.

He sounds controlling as fuck. You've literally told him in no uncertain terms that you don't eant to get married again. That should have been enough. But instead, you've had to tell him again many times and try to 'justify' it. No means no. You dont have to justify it. He doesn't respect it and he doesn't respect you.

In the bin with this one.
And as pps have said - he probably wants a claim on your property.

Original poster
KM092469 · 19/07/2022 16:24

MissConductUS · 19/07/2022 16:14

A bit off-topic, but why on earth would he plan to propose to you in Salem, MA? Do you live in the area? It's a tourist trap, the parking is a nightmare, and everything has a witchcraft theme. The only things worth seeing there are the Peabody Essex Museum and some of the old-period houses that are open to view. Turners Seafood is also worth a visit.

Hi, I actually love all things witchy and my dream is to go there someday and he apparently was going to plan to take me there but then ruin it by asking me to marry him LOL!. I'm from PA. I wanted to go off season when it wasn't so bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
KM092469 · 19/07/2022 16:24

Pinkbonbon · 19/07/2022 16:23

Dump the weirdo.

He sounds controlling as fuck. You've literally told him in no uncertain terms that you don't eant to get married again. That should have been enough. But instead, you've had to tell him again many times and try to 'justify' it. No means no. You dont have to justify it. He doesn't respect it and he doesn't respect you.

In the bin with this one.
And as pps have said - he probably wants a claim on your property.

lol! I may just do that!

OP posts:
Beancounter1 · 19/07/2022 21:11

If he is pressuring you to move in together, maybe it is not about property or money, but more that he want someone to do cooking/cleaning/laundry, and someone to live with for company if he doesn't actually like living alone.

Whatever his reasons, it sounds like this relationship won't last as you want different things.

Ohtoberoavingagain · 19/07/2022 22:25

KM092469 · 19/07/2022 15:26

No, he has his own place and his own business. Yes, I agree on respecting space.

Show quote history

My second husband kept pushing me to marry him. On and on and on. He also owned his own home ( with mortgage) and business. I didn’t want to get married but gave in and agreed to be engaged. Within weeks he’d booked a registry office. We got married. Two weeks later he came home from work and told me he’d sold his company —- for £1. ( I am not joking) Within weeks he was working freelance a few hours a week. Didn’t earn enough to pay his mortgage or his kids maintenance (2 from previous marriage)
It became apparent he was a full blown alcoholic, he barely worked and had obviously planned all along to live off me.
Just to say, your gut is telling you for a reason. If you are not 100% happy to marry, don’t.