Husband frustrated by lack of alone time

[Rvd]

Hello, I am looking for a sanity check and advice if possible. My daughter is 4 years old and has a disability. Not a major one, but she needs emotional and physical development support. My husband and I got together a little later in life and I am his second marriage. We agreed before getting together that we would have a child together but when I accidentally got pregnant, he said he didn't want one anymore. I was very upset and said I couldn't do that so we agreed to go ahead with it. Naively, I thought that once the baby was here he would grow into being a father and the love for her would over-ride any doubts he'd had. I - also naively - made a promise that nothing would change in our relationship and I would still ensure I made time for us as a couple. I did not appreciate how hard children are to raise!!!! After our daughter was born, I was very aware that I needed to give him time to grow into being a new dad so I did everything. Every single feed, every single night time get up (even when back at work), every nappy, every bedtime story etc.etc. I have tried to encourage and support their relationship and give him space to be the father he wants to be. He does love her and gives her a lot of love and cuddles, but does nothing practical at all. So, I'd say he's doing ok as a loving father but not helpful as a supportive partner. She adores him and I am doing my best to nurture that and make sure she knows she is loved. The problem is that we often argue about how I don't make time for him and how I am only focused on our daughter. In a bad month this can be 2-3 times a week, in a good month this can just be maybe 1-2 times a month. He says that I don't make any time for him or us as a couple and all I care about is being a mum. I obviously love my daughter an incredible amount and want to ensure she has all the love and support possible, but I also have to do all practical care and all the cooking, washing and cleaning and I work full time so my argument is there is little time available OR headspace and if he could help a bit more with our relationship or even household stuff OR even our daughter then it would give me more time to think about things for us to do. I should also add that we don't live near family and don't have friends that can help out (we've just moved to a new area) so I am a little on my own with managing it all and therefore finding a babysitter, for example, is also hard.

I guess I need to know if I am being unreasonable in thinking that he is being an idiot (sometimes) and whether this is a hopeless situation. I worry about the impact this has on my daughter. We never argue in front of her and she doesn't ever hear from him or me that he is frustrated , but I am not sure it's healthy for her to grow up seeing me accept this volume of responsibility or for her to be chasing 'time' from her father as whilst he gives her love, he doesn't give her his time very often. I worry I can never give him what he wants so it will always be a source of tension and sadness and frustration. However, she adores him and I worry about the impact of us separating too as she'd be so sad not to see him everyday and perhaps I should prioritise this element over all my other doubts and feelings? I feel very alone and like I am trying to keep my daughter's life happy and stable and my partner happy, but I am not sure what the right thing is for their happiness and mine.

Hang on. This is all about other people's happiness.

What about yours? What do you want?

He's an idiot. How dare he change his mind about DC AFTER you got pregnant! Why do you do everything in the house, just why?

I'd find it difficult to have any respect for him tbh. If he doesn't step up then I'd be looking to leave. I can't see how being with him improves your life in any way.

It sounds very much like you love and adore both your daughter and your partner, but you need more support from him.

He wants more time from you, but you 1000% cannot give him that time if every second of the day, you're looking after everyone else - it sounds like you're run off your feet bless you!

If he helped out more, you'd have more calm time to spend with him when you do get time together... I think he needs to make an effort to understand that!

Would you consider leaving him? If you play out how that feels in your mind, does it feel like a relief, or more like that would be terrible? If you did separate your daughter would still be able to have a relationship with her father and she would adapt to him not being around all the time.

If you separated he would have the week to himself, the other half he would have to step up and do the practical stuff he doesn't now. Seems to solve both your problems!

Stop feeling guilty for having had the child you'd agreed on! If he got off his misogynistic arse and did 50% of the house and childcare as he should, because you both work full-time, he'd get more of your attention. As it is, he's behaving like a spoilt child who's jealous of your daughter.

He sounds like you want him to be a father he doesn’t really want to be. You’re doing the heavy lifting and he doesn’t want to help. Sounds like you married your second child.

Prick. Wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

What do YOU want, OP?

Your husband is absolutely fucking useless. And horrible. Don't forget how utterly horrible he is. Good grief, leave this twat.

Yeah I think you should leave him tbh.

That way he gets space.

You get to parent your one actual child (not your man child).

You'll have so much less to do with him not around.

OP,

Your “D”H has choices, so do you but your DD has not.

Your wellbeing is as important as everybody else's. Looking after disabled child is not a walk in the park and he should adjust his expectations.

You say your DD adores her dad and you worry about separating. All children adore their parents even if they are abusive.

What do you want to do?

Let's be Frank OP, is your H saying he wants more actual time as a couple or is this purely about sex and the fact he feels he isn't getting enough. In my first marriage my ex H used to go on about more couple time but actually would have been fine seeing me for 2,hours a day-he simply meant more sex. I'm not dissing the importance of intimacy but I think it's easier to see what's going on if you know the score

Your husband is a horrible man. Leave him, claim child maintenance and I guarantee you and your daughter will have a much happier life

Set your bar higher OP - what would you advise your daughter if she was in this situation when she matures into an adult? I cant believe you have let him get away with doing none of the mental or physical load of having a child and whilst working full time - you must be utterly exhausted.

He's not a loving father, OP, he's a disney dad who wants all of the adoration without putting any effort in whatsoever.

DH was similar, and now our DC are adults, they ring/text/ask things of me but never him and it's taken a very long time for the penny to drop that they don't ask because they know he's never bothered.

They deserved better

OP I am exhausted just reading your post. Your life sounds tough, no wonder you haven't time for your dh or yourself. My jaw dropped when you said all you do and your dh has just stands by and watches you without giving you any help. In your mind you have taken it all on so he can become the father he wants to be. But unfortunately that's not life and not a proper relationship its all based on him doing nothing and you he has shown you exactly who he is by doing fuck all and not giving two shits about you. You are worth so much more than this, LTB. You have tried to keep him by ensuring nothing changes in his life but it has changed massively and he and you need to accept that. Please don't waste any more years in a situation like this at the very least try couple counselling.

If he got off his behind and was a fully functional father and partner then you would have time together instead of as it is you're doing everything and he still expects to be your number 1 !!
Have my first LTb.
Honestly what are you getting out of this other than resentment and exhaustion.
I would have no respect for such a horrible person

Has it genuinely not occurred to him that if he did some housework or parenting then you’d have more time and might be more inclined to spend it with him? He sounds like a waste of space op

What a selfish childish prick! (Him not you!)

Do you want to be with this pathetic man-child OP?

Agree with this

Oh no, another man baby. Do what’s best for you, and that will be what’s best for your child. He needs to grow up, assume his responsibilities, and then, if you still want to stay with him, you will miraculously have more tome together. I’m afraid he’s massively guilt-tripping you.

This! I mean is he genuinely that horrid a person that he knowingly let's you do EVERYTHING and then moans that you don't have any time for him.
Other way to look at it is, do you want your daughter to be in a relationship like yours? Because you're modelling what's normal and that mums do everything. She'll copy you in what she looks for and how she behaves in her romantic relationships when she's an adult.
And others have said. Why aren't you prioritising your happiness?

He should have told you as soon as he knew he'd changed his mind about having children. He can't help how he feels, but it could have been a dealbreaker for you and you deserved to know before getting pregnant. And if you'd agreed not to have children, the easiest precaution would have been for him to have a vasectomy.

That's irrelevant now, though. He has half the responsibility of raising your shared child, both financially and in terms of care. I was reading along seeing that you do ALL the work of caring for tyour daughter and he only does the fun things, and then seeing that you also do all the cooking and housework, and I'm assuming you're either a SAHP or on maternity leave while he's working full time (but he is still slacking off remarkably even so).

But then you say you are also working full time? How on earth are you doing ALL of the housework even, let alone the childcare? I'm guessing he doesn't have a physical condition that prevents his going anything useful, or you would have mentioned that. If it's a MH issue, he needs to get help. If he's just completely selfish and happy to take advantage of you, and/or he's a sexist pig, that doesn't bode well for your relationship. But if you want to try, I guess the first step is to give him an untimatum that things need to change, and see if he's genuinely willing.

Split the household responsibilities up, clearly and in detail: it doesn't have to be exactly equal (for example if one of you works longer hours, or one commutes and one WFH, etc.) but it has to be fair. And he should be doing half of the childcare, however you divide other responsibilites. He's going to be doing all of his housework and cooking and half of the childcare if you two split up, so he might as well start practicing.

It sounds like he'd make a great part-time parent. He'd only have to make an effort once a week or whatever and you'd reduce the impact of your current situation which will be damaging her. She's in a family where she has to beg for his attention and usually rejected. You can imagine what kind of partners she'll pick in future right? You can imagine what it's doing to her self esteem when she realises that she is an obstacle to her dad's happiness and he'd rather she wasn't born.

You were naive to think that you could prioritise him as much as before and you can't do that without neglecting her or paying for help. You can't win and it's futile to try. You are showing your dd that women do all the housework and men do nothing and you risk her repeating this in future.

What is extra sad is that you've not said what you would like. What do you think about the balance in your life. Most people would hate to live your life where it is centred on not angering a grown man. Do you want your dd to have future relationships where she walks on eggshells ?

Your h would get everything he wanted if he split from you. He could have a partner who was there just for him and see his dd for contact which could be as little as he liked and the only pressured time to act like a parent. He is a massive man-child but I'm guessing would be able to parent a few hours a week or whatever.

Splitting would make your dd sad initially but it would prevent the damaging adult relationship lessons that she's absorbing now.

Why are you doing all the cooking washing and cleaning??

that’s got nothing to do with your daughter.