Hello, I am looking for a sanity check and advice if possible. My daughter is 4 years old and has a disability. Not a major one, but she needs emotional and physical development support. My husband and I got together a little later in life and I am his second marriage. We agreed before getting together that we would have a child together but when I accidentally got pregnant, he said he didn't want one anymore. I was very upset and said I couldn't do that so we agreed to go ahead with it. Naively, I thought that once the baby was here he would grow into being a father and the love for her would over-ride any doubts he'd had. I - also naively - made a promise that nothing would change in our relationship and I would still ensure I made time for us as a couple. I did not appreciate how hard children are to raise!!!! After our daughter was born, I was very aware that I needed to give him time to grow into being a new dad so I did everything. Every single feed, every single night time get up (even when back at work), every nappy, every bedtime story etc.etc. I have tried to encourage and support their relationship and give him space to be the father he wants to be. He does love her and gives her a lot of love and cuddles, but does nothing practical at all. So, I'd say he's doing ok as a loving father but not helpful as a supportive partner. She adores him and I am doing my best to nurture that and make sure she knows she is loved. The problem is that we often argue about how I don't make time for him and how I am only focused on our daughter. In a bad month this can be 2-3 times a week, in a good month this can just be maybe 1-2 times a month. He says that I don't make any time for him or us as a couple and all I care about is being a mum. I obviously love my daughter an incredible amount and want to ensure she has all the love and support possible, but I also have to do all practical care and all the cooking, washing and cleaning and I work full time so my argument is there is little time available OR headspace and if he could help a bit more with our relationship or even household stuff OR even our daughter then it would give me more time to think about things for us to do. I should also add that we don't live near family and don't have friends that can help out (we've just moved to a new area) so I am a little on my own with managing it all and therefore finding a babysitter, for example, is also hard.
I guess I need to know if I am being unreasonable in thinking that he is being an idiot (sometimes) and whether this is a hopeless situation. I worry about the impact this has on my daughter. We never argue in front of her and she doesn't ever hear from him or me that he is frustrated , but I am not sure it's healthy for her to grow up seeing me accept this volume of responsibility or for her to be chasing 'time' from her father as whilst he gives her love, he doesn't give her his time very often. I worry I can never give him what he wants so it will always be a source of tension and sadness and frustration. However, she adores him and I worry about the impact of us separating too as she'd be so sad not to see him everyday and perhaps I should prioritise this element over all my other doubts and feelings? I feel very alone and like I am trying to keep my daughter's life happy and stable and my partner happy, but I am not sure what the right thing is for their happiness and mine.