I feel like i irritate the hell out of him.

[Srowsy]

Everything i do just irritates him 😔

Ds are 3 and 6. Before kids we were like best friends, having a laugh, going on dates, usual bickerings but nothing deep and he treated me well.

Since having kids I've noticed a very very slow change in him. He's miserable but claims he isn't. He's grumpy, rude and snappy. Very basic physical affection (not sex) is rejected half the time in quite a brutal manner (jerking away, batting me away), but if i dare stop trying he'll use it as a defense should i ever complain about this lack of affection...'i don't see you stroking my hair or giving me back rubs'

The general manner in which he speaks to me is becoming very disrespectful and blunt 'get out of my way then!' 'Jesus christ your always in the way' 'move!' 'What you staring at?' To name a few, which is frustrating when your trying to teach your children to be kind and well mannered.

He has a similar relationship with our children, the saying 'do as i say and not as i do' springs to mind. He loves them with all his heart but being around them seems to wind him up, he's persistently telling them off and moaning at them for silly things like being too excited, hurting themselves or not giving him affection on demand. They pick up on it (especially the 6yr old) and naturally gravitate to me when wanting some quiet comfort time. This irritates him further.

He constantly makes comments about us rinsing his money (he calls these jokes) and genuine concerns that he feels like he's nothing but a wallet to us at times. For context he works a job with very awkward hours. For him to take this job i had to drop my working hours drastically in order to look after our children as we can't afford the wraparound childcare we would need. I also supplement my sparce income with a side hustle, this money is used to cloth the children, buy birthday/xmas presents, afterschool clubs, topping up grocery bits in the week and £150 goes directly to the bills account.

I dont really know what the point of this post is other than to vent. I know he's not cheating, there are no trust issues in our relationship. I just feel underappreciated, like I'm an annoyance in his life along with the children, that I'm not good enough, and i have extremely low self esteem. Maybe somebody else here has gone through similar and can give me some reassurance? Is it parent hood? Was he just not built for it? Or is it me?

Absolutely not you. Don't question yourself. He doesn't have treat you this way.

He has a funny way of showing his children that he loves them. Yes everyone gets rattled at kids noise, mess or demands occasionally but it sounds like he’s down on everything.
If he’s not having an affair could it be something like gambling?

No it's not you, just sounds like he's being a dick head tbh. He needs to control his temper an stop being such a wanker. Tell him to sort his act out and stop being a disrespectful cunt. This has really angered me. Men!! I hear too many stories like this. Next time he moans over nothing tell him he knows where the door is. Hope you're ok xx

You'd be so much happier without him

How do you respond when he treats you this way?

Sounds like you need to sit down and speak to him. Arrange a time, so it's serious. Maybe a couple counselling might help out. If you invest abit of money into your relationship, the whole family would benefit. I think he just sounds fed up with it all and sometimes a reality check is needed. Life is too short, get this dealt with so you are all happier as a family. Good luck.

So strange when posters say that their DPs are lovely to the kids or love them so much but in the next breath comments that everything they do irritates them, and are moody, dictatorial, demanding, etc with them. To me that’s not loving them with all his heart.

He also sounds like a gas lighter/passive aggressive twat.

he’s a prick and most likely checked out of family life. Maybe think about counseling for both of you.

This. It sounds like he resents the children, or resents you for having them, or hasn't even got as far with forming those thoughts, possibly he just resents life for not being what it used to be.

Time for some straight talking.

As PP have said, this is not normal and he will be damaging the children with this constant negativity towards them and you. Your self esteem will only get lower if this carries on. Some serious discussion is needed before he does any more damage to your family.

Sounds like he wants to be king of the house without any effort.

You and the kids are only there to pump up his fragile ego.

I think your self esteem would improve if you didn't live with him and got back to working the hours you want to work.

I hope not. Money troubles has crossed my mind though, it's something i may bring up

As awful as it is to say, if he’s not cheating then it sounds like maybe he’s got ‘the ick’? Is that possible?

regardless of his attraction to you, it has no bearing on how he treats his kids.

you all deserve so much better OP. He’ll only realise what he’s lost when it’s gone.

I'd agree with this. He needs to hear specifically and honestly how his behaviour is affecting the family. If he's any good he'll turn it around

Did he actually want dc, or did he want just one? He sounds resentful.

Time for some very straight talking @Srowsy, my DH became exactly like this after the DC were born and although I asked him many, many times to get help for his temper and negative attitude he never dealt with it. He is now my XH - not what I wanted for us or the children, but he got worse and worse and eventually I had had enough.

I'm not saying LTB, not yet...but tell him that's an option if he doesn't sort himself out.

How does he behave to and around his parents (are they basically the same as their son), friends, work colleagues and people in the outside world?. Probably not at all like he is towards you and your DC here.

Your children will pick up on all this from their dad and your eldest is already noticing how dad behaves. Such attitudes that your H is showing you all are often deeply ingrained. If he refuses to go to counselling then I would go on my own.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. He is doing this also because he can.

I agree it's confusing for me aswell! You can see he would do anything for them and spoils them with toys etc, he loves when they come upto him to give affection and all the funny things they come out with, he loves hearing about their day. It's all the hard stuff he struggles with, moaning they're tired on trips out, talking over us when were having a conversation, arguing over toys etc. We could have a great day but he can bring the tone down in seconds if one of them moans or doesn't do as he says straight away. This isn't hidden behaviour aswell as he does this infront of family and they have picked up on his strict ways and grumpyness.

Passive agressive is definitely the correct term, I've described his behaviour to him as this before, as have some collegues at his work place in the past when he's had a falling out with someone.

My DH is like this around the kids. Always irritated, snappy, moaning at them for doing basic kid stuff like being loud.

It doesn't end well OP. See my post on here from a day or so back.

Next time he says 'I'm just a wallet to you' I would agree with him that he is not bringing anything else to the table.

It is not good enough.

Could he be depressed? Sometimes depression manifests itself as constant, low level irritation and snappiness. I'm not excusing his behaviour though, it's horrible for you to be at the receiving end of and he absolutely shouldn't be speaking to his partner and children like this.

Tell him you want a trial separation and see how he responds.

I'd sit down under the guise of going through the budget.

Say to him that he doesn't seem happy with the finances so you want to go through income / expenses and make a budget you can stick to.

Lots of YouTube vids on making a budget to watch first.

Aim to agree a monthly budget that you can both stick to. Try and get him to agree to try the budget for a month then have another meeting after a month.

Once he has agreed I'd then get him to agree to not make any more passive aggressive comments about money. If he isn't happy with a specific thing (ie he thinks as a family you have overspent on this or that) he can raise it in the budget meeting.

Try and make him list all his debt / outgoings etc as it may become clear why he is being stressy / funny about money.

Or you may see you have loads spare after bills in which case you might ask him what he is spending it on.

Try and get him to agree wholeheartedly that these are all the outgoing expenses and there aren't any more.

Make it clear that you won't be accepting any more negative or derogatory comments. You have both agreed the household budget and that's that.

Having a spreadsheet has really worked well for me and my bf as there is never any "you owe this I owe that". Never any confusion. We have both agreed to the budget and propose changes ie- shall we put more money in the budget for dog food as we have overspent this month. Then we see if we can source the dogs food cheaper. See that we can't find it for cheaper anywhere and adjust the budget. That way there is never any accusations of overspending etc.

If this doesn't work OP then I don't know what advice I have!

Maybe he is stressed with the pressure of having the bulk of financial burden on him and is feeling it badly.

Unfortunately there is significant financial pressure on families which is going to get worse and having one person shouldering that burden is tough. Don't know where you live but in the SE I would say you need a £80k household income to have a reasonable life, kids in a decent school etc as well as having some savings. Won't be much, of anything left though.

And any £80k job won't be easy.

That pressure plus kids being "tough" may make him snap. Not excusing it but you need to get to the bottom of his stresses IMO and work with him to see how they can be alleviate.

He doesn't like his life. Doesn't like being financially responsible, doesn't like parenting, doesn't like having a partner who is a mum.
Many people go through this, men and women. Most keep it under wraps a bit better.
He will either adjust and become content or it will escalate to jntolerable levels. (To me, that would have already happened tbh as his behaviour is disgraceful.)
You could try a chat about how life could be improved from his perspective if you feel its worth the investment. But asking for better behaviour or threatening him with leaving may well not work, as part of him might prefer to be single again.

He's just one of many people - mainly men - who can't cope with how life changes when kids come along.

Most of these men have a weird mix of expectations where they expect women to be both 1950s housewives AND high earning businesswomen at the same time.

Sometimes pointing this out can help if they're not arseholes.

I would recommend prioritising some fun relationship time BUT I understand you probably don't feel like it when he's being an arsehole.