I feel like i irritate the hell out of him.

[Srowsy]

Everything i do just irritates him 😔

Ds are 3 and 6. Before kids we were like best friends, having a laugh, going on dates, usual bickerings but nothing deep and he treated me well.

Since having kids I've noticed a very very slow change in him. He's miserable but claims he isn't. He's grumpy, rude and snappy. Very basic physical affection (not sex) is rejected half the time in quite a brutal manner (jerking away, batting me away), but if i dare stop trying he'll use it as a defense should i ever complain about this lack of affection...'i don't see you stroking my hair or giving me back rubs'

The general manner in which he speaks to me is becoming very disrespectful and blunt 'get out of my way then!' 'Jesus christ your always in the way' 'move!' 'What you staring at?' To name a few, which is frustrating when your trying to teach your children to be kind and well mannered.

He has a similar relationship with our children, the saying 'do as i say and not as i do' springs to mind. He loves them with all his heart but being around them seems to wind him up, he's persistently telling them off and moaning at them for silly things like being too excited, hurting themselves or not giving him affection on demand. They pick up on it (especially the 6yr old) and naturally gravitate to me when wanting some quiet comfort time. This irritates him further.

He constantly makes comments about us rinsing his money (he calls these jokes) and genuine concerns that he feels like he's nothing but a wallet to us at times. For context he works a job with very awkward hours. For him to take this job i had to drop my working hours drastically in order to look after our children as we can't afford the wraparound childcare we would need. I also supplement my sparce income with a side hustle, this money is used to cloth the children, buy birthday/xmas presents, afterschool clubs, topping up grocery bits in the week and £150 goes directly to the bills account.

I dont really know what the point of this post is other than to vent. I know he's not cheating, there are no trust issues in our relationship. I just feel underappreciated, like I'm an annoyance in his life along with the children, that I'm not good enough, and i have extremely low self esteem. Maybe somebody else here has gone through similar and can give me some reassurance? Is it parent hood? Was he just not built for it? Or is it me?

Tbh I think society really downplays how hard it is having young kids and that does everyone a disservice. My parents were married v young and it meant real excitement- moving out of home for the first time into affordable housing with local family to help out.

Many of us now get married in our thirties having a good job, good holidays, a sense that the world is our oyster. Young children can be fun but also really fucking hard work. Quality of life seems to diminish when you're used to having freedom. Some people adapt easier than others.

I think it is about sharing ALL responsibilities. Bringing in a high income is massively difficult, irrespective of industry. It is often hugely pressured and hence lots of people (men and women) struggle to cope.

This isn't the 1950s anymore as you point out. By that token, houses aren't £5k either and people need to recognise that too.

You can easily have £4k a month outgoings without living a lavish lifestyle so who is bringing that in? If the OPs husband isn't working his arse off and isn't pulling his weight at home the fair enough, however that's not the impression I get.

I have lots of mates in the same position and the majority have suffered or are suffering mentally health issues with the pressure of putting food on the table and a roof over their family's heads.

And yes, many men don't appreciate the impact kids have, partially because IME only a very few wanted kids above all else on life. Yes, they love their kids when they have them but everyone needs to have other things going on in their lives.

If my DH spoke to me like yours does I would kick his arse out of the door.

Typical, men defending men. Shocker. If he's got it that bad and his MH isn't the best he should go to therapy and change his circumstances, not take it out on his wife and kids. There's NO excuse!

Did I defend him? There were caveats in my post...and no one should have anything taken out on them. Full stop.

"Change circumstances" - is there some magical solution you know where you wave a wand and it's all ok? Neither of us know the particular situation in any detail but "changing circumstances" isn't always that easy for people when you have mouths to feed...

And this works whether you are male, female etc so please don't bring that into it as gender has nothing to do with my general comment.

I'll assume you cross posted with my second post @MaxTalk.

The cost of living undoubtedly makes a difference but so does having higher expectations from life.

Society generally needs to be more honest about hard it can be, especially with so little social support with childcare costs etc. Ofc governments don't want to do that because birth rates are already dropping in industrialised countries and we're heading for major population imbalance - far too many older people. We really need government to intervene to support families and parents generally.

Would you allow a friend to treat you this way? The answer is no. You would remove them from your life. He's meant to be your partner, biggest ally, friend, lover and equal. He's none of those things. He's a selfish, entitled, passive aggressive dickhead who is emotionally abusive to his children. Please LTB.

Some of you seem to have missed the bit where the OP says she had to dramatically reduce her hours in order for him to take this job on.

So if he now resents being the main breadwinner, it's not the OP's fault she earns less, is it?

I irritated my ex . His intolerance of me was patently obvious to all . His disdain.
I stuck it for 5 years and it ate away at my confidence, I was forever saying sorry for being in the way or sitting where I shouldn't or leaving the fridge open while I put milk in the tea .

You'll end up a shell of yourself and walking on eggshells.

So will the children.
Personally I'd leave . I did . And now I'm simply free to be me .

Some very interesting points about expectations- I do think a lot of men and some women these days expect that life will carry on much as normal post kids -holidays/fun/takeaways/nights out with mates. It can indeed be like this for some, but it takes lots of cash and reliable help/support-- which not everyone has by a long stretch. So you end up often with reduced income and higher expenses and mortgage/rent based on two full time wages. The meals out go, Greek islands becomes Haven and you start resenting stag/hen weekends in Ibiza etc when money is tight . None of this is an issue if you have a partner totally on the same page but many don't realise they were on the same page in theory only - when it actually happens they suddenly are not.

Bang on. And whilst some people may have wanted kids in theory, the reality is that it's a fecking hard life which many weren't expecting or can handle.

No one is to blame but I presume many people don't really sit down and understand the implications of having kids. And even if they do, the reality can hurt.

I agree with what you are saying but that's a pipedream.

People need to be honest with themselves if they can honestly afford having a kid and also if they are ready for a child mentally and emotionally.

The life they had is no longer - relationship, family, money stresses etc can be overwhelming. Does your partner have the capability to support and pull their weight etc.

We all live in a dreamland sometimes but government ain't going to help - everyone has that responsibility so no point in looking for external support.

For context he works a job with very awkward hours

I bet he's tired. This must be hard.

Tiredness makes everything more irritating.

Can he change jobs?

He's carrying a lot. You both are. But try to express gratitude to him. Ask him what he needs. Men aren't always good at communicating what is really going on with them. But my instinct here is that it's tiredness and resentment.

Don't give up now - this is common in families with young children and it does get better with kindness to one another and attention to their needs.

Jesus Christ there is no excuse for talking to his partner in the way she describes. Carrying a load or not .
We all have crosses to bear . We do t all speak to significant others like shit .

And I work a job with awkward hours . I still respected manners and human decency.
This is nuts .

@MaxTalk I've actually found that in a way it's an easier choice for those who are happy to have quite a simple life and are fine with an old car, camping in Dorset, an adequate but not necessarily amazing house , love having a family and are satisfied with all of this OR the other end- have pots of money, great house, lots of help with kids and house, be it paid or family , no problem with one partner not working , or a bit of a side hustle , for everyone else between these extremes life with a family as it is today, can be a constant compromise and juggling and often one person feels they are compromising more than the other (ie not 100% on same page) be it in time or money and we end up then with the kind of threads we get on mumsnet- 'do we move from Pinner to West wales or Australia' , 'we earn less than 30k a year between us and partner has booked 3 stag nights in Europe this year etc !

This post cut below from @MaxTalk

Is really spot on I think. My dh seems to fall in this category

think it is about sharing ALL responsibilities. Bringing in a high income is massively difficult, irrespective of industry. It is often hugely pressured and hence lots of people (men and women) struggle to cope.

This isn't the 1950s anymore as you point out. By that token, houses aren't £5k either and people need to recognise that too.

You can easily have £4k a month outgoings without living a lavish lifestyle so who is bringing that in? If the OPs husband isn't working his arse off and isn't pulling his weight at home the fair enough, however that's not the impression I get.

I have lots of mates in the same position and the majority have suffered or are suffering mentally health issues with the pressure of putting food on the table and a roof over their family's heads.

And yes, many men don't appreciate the impact kids have, partially because IME only a very few wanted kids above all else on life. Yes, they love their kids when they have them but everyone needs to have other things going on in their lives.

Hang on, if OP was nicer and more grateful he wouldn’t be a bad tempered arse and grumpy with the kids? I say that sounds like BS to me. I wouldn’t want to put up with being treated like this.

They intervened in France and their birthrate increased. I'm getting a bit tired of political defeatism. We get what we vote for.

That aside I think a lot of people are unprepared for how much life changes when children come along and the better life is pre-kids, the more stark the difference is for couples after they arrive.

OP on the upside once your youngest is school age life will probably get easier! 🤞

If the OP is 'more grateful' all it will do is confirm in his mind she has something to be grateful for, and reinforce his idea he is hard done to.

This.

He's carrying a lot. You both are. But try to express gratitude to him. Ask him what he needs.

Did...did you read the OP? This is appalling advice, shes being disrespected and spoken to like crap in her own home. Where is his gratitude for her reducing her hours and doing the lions share of childcare?