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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I kidding myself?

44 replies

Naivenelly · 18/07/2022 12:21

Hi all! I need a bit of an outside perspective on this but please be gentle with me!

Over the last couple of years and throughout covid, I became really friendly with a guy on social media through similar interests and personality. We are both single and early 30s. He lives in London and I live in Scotland. A new opportunity has come up through work which means I'm in London now every few weeks, so last month we actually met for the first time. We went out two nights in a row and had such a laugh, got on so well! He kissed me and the second night we slept together.

We would have been in touch regularly before then, but since meeting we text all day every day, chatting as friends and flirting too. We video call and he is always so lovely. He has invited me to two concerts with him this autumn.

So I was in London again at the weekend, obviously really excited to see him again and we had chatted loads about it, kept saying how much we were looking forward to it etc. it was SO great! On Friday we had a chill night, ordered food, watched a film etc and then Saturday night we went out for dinner and then to a few bars. We had so much fun, both nights were all over each other, clearly very attracted to one another and slept together etc.

We were texting then when I got home as we always do, and I happened to mention that as well as being obviously very attracted to him that I do actually have feelings for him.

He texted me back saying that he loves hanging out with me and things I'm amazing, feels like he can really be himself around me and is really sexually attracted to me but doesn't currently have feelings for me, but who knows that might change.. although he doesn't want me to be led on hoping that he will develop feelings.

Meanwhile he's planning to come visit me in Scotland, and we still have plans to go to two concerts together in the next few months.

My head is totally mush here now thinking, how could all this be happening without him having feelings for me? Does he just see me as a friend he can have sex with? Or does he like me but not realise it?? I feel like his words and actions are saying two different things. I'd also like to point out that he is a really genuine guy, not a f*boy or anything like that and is always very open with me. I just feel a bit stupid for having assumed through texting me alllll the time, hanging out with me when I'm there, sleeping with me, going on dates with me and making plans with me that he actually liked me.... 🙈🙈

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/07/2022 12:28

You only met in person a month ago. Not having feelings for you beyond enjoying your company and wanting to get to know you better by spending more time together is completely normal at this stage. The whole social media chatting has given you an impression of having actually been in some kind of relationship for a long time when in reality he was being very sensible not to get carried away and see it as more than it was: you could have met in person and had no spark at all.

ermagerdabear · 18/07/2022 12:30

You'll probably get people coming on saying 'at least he's honest' and you've only met in person twice' etc, but I think he's playing you a bit. He has all the benefits of a girlfriend and emotional support without any commitment atm, espadrilles as you live quite far from each other. The least he could have said was that he liked you and it could develop into more, but let's wait and see. Instead, he told you he doesn't feel anything at all.

Don't hang about waiting and seeing and don't get any deeper into it. It's a classic ruse to make you go out of your way to try and do everything you can for him in the hope that he'll eventually fall for you. I'd cancel his trip and say goodbye.

refreshingseahorse · 18/07/2022 12:32

Do you want to spend the next few months analysing all his messages / calls to see if he likes you any better this week? If yes carry on as you are, if not then tell him you're not up for whatever it is he is offering.

Original poster

Naivenelly · 18/07/2022 12:36

refreshingseahorse · 18/07/2022 12:32

Good point - the thing is though, I had never thought to analyse them to begin with as I thought from his actions that it was really clear he did^^ like me. Goes to huge effort to look nice when we meet up etc. It's not so much a case that I'll be waiting holding out hope that he develops feelings, it's that it really came across that he did have feelings, so now I'm like, why would he do all this if he only saw me as a friend?

OP posts:

Fruitandnuts · 18/07/2022 12:40

Dial it back a bit, whatever you do, do not pander after him now. It's still early days so he may need more time to develop feelings. I recommend the book 'why men love bitches' to help you understand a mans behaviour. As someone said already he is already getting all the benefits of a 'relationship' without any commitment. Get on with your life a dont sit around waiting for him. There is also nothing wrong with saying you have more feelings and know he doesnt but you are seeking a relationship and if not even open to that then leave things and stop contact. If he's not seeking a relationship with you or infact anyone then your wasting your time. Going to concerts etc isn't really concentrate right now, things could change so dont bank on that actually happening.

Moretodo · 18/07/2022 12:48

It's a 'diss' isn't it!

Your last message OP "why would he do all this if he didn't feel anything"... Yes why would he?
Odd isn't it.
I can't make sense of it either, as in, it's some reason outside of my experience, not in the bounds of 'normal' behaviour and not something I would want to see more of.

Its a callous thing to say, it's a neg, a covert put down.
He appears to be managing you down, so you have no expectation, no investment, no normal relationship 'rights'.

He has no feelings for you at all.

Could be an early warning sign of a psychopathic type.
Later on those who have been left in turmoil say 'there were signs, I chose to ignore them'.

Be careful here.
Pay attention to how you are feeling and act on it.

lovemelongtime · 18/07/2022 12:52

I think from what you have said, that he obviously does like you, otherwise he wouldn't bother with all the messages, arranging things etc. but when a woman says she's got feelings, men can often get scared, or miss interpret this as "love" ! So perhaps he is just saying, it's early days yet. Sounds like you should hang in there for me.

justamushypea · 18/07/2022 12:53

I just feel a bit stupid for having assumed through texting me alllll the time, hanging out with me when I'm there, sleeping with me, going on dates with me and making plans with me that he actually liked me.
He didn't say he doesn't like you though. Maybe he takes longer to develop feelings, perhaps like a lot of men he doesn't want to put a label on how he feels.
Don't spoil a good thing, carry on as you have been but be mindful that he might not be in the same place as you (yet!)

Runningdownthehill22 · 18/07/2022 12:56

I’d take that as a major knock back and be very wary now.

Olsi109 · 18/07/2022 13:02

I don't think it's anything to think too much into tbh. He hasn't said he doesn't like you, he just isn't at the same stage you are at and I don't think his actions so far have led you on at all, dressing smart and messaging lots is what most people do when dating. I would just carry on as you are and the feelings may develop. It's only been a month since you met in person, that's not a lot of time at all and I think if you start going "do you want a relationship" etc you might push him away.

Wafflybollocks · 18/07/2022 13:08

He's clearly said, in black and white, that he doesn't have feelings for you. Run away.

Moonface123 · 18/07/2022 13:09

How disapointing, l would stop with the sex if he only sees you as a mate and nothing more, which is basically what he is telling you, "Your alright for now but don't dare expect anything more " is an attitude l wouldn't tolerate. But plenty do tolerate it in the hope things will change, they rarely do. Obviously its up to you what you decide but you don't appear to be on the same page. You want a man who is willing to move mountains for you, they are out there, contrary to popular belief, not someone who has you questioning where you stand, a reply like that would leave me cold, nothing better than a passionate man instead of a limp lettuce.

Chdjdn · 18/07/2022 13:11

So you’ve seen him for 4 nights? Or have I misunderstood? Im not really sure I’d expect “feelings”,obviously he likes you as a person and is attracted to you. I’d just see how it goes.

StarCourt · 18/07/2022 13:14

I think you're putting too much into what has mostly been a text relationship. He clearly likes you at this very early stage.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/07/2022 13:14

This whole situation is exactly why when you’re online dating people say to meet as soon as possible and not to build something or someone up too much inside your head from chatting and texting. It tends to create a false intimacy and a sense that you know somebody well already when in reality they are still a stranger - and all too often, one person is caught off guard when the other person hasn’t been quite as quick to believe there’s a potential relationship there.

If somebody I had met a month ago told me that they had “feelings” for me, I’d run a mile to be honest. If somebody genuinely thinks that texting is a substitute for actual time spent together, or that they know me well enough after a few weeks to feel anything strongly towards me then I can only assume they’re totally indiscriminate with who they fall in love with and are a bit of a lovebomber.

GreenManalishi · 18/07/2022 13:16

I'd say that you've only met up with him twice, so you've spent very little time actually together, and in that sense it's still fairly new. I would go, as always, on actions speaking louder than words.

If his actions leave you feeling sure of where you stand, then there you go. Anyone can trip a few words out to string you along, but backing them up with action takes intention and commitment.

I would say that as long as his effort hasn't fallen away, then you're good and that maybe he's just not on the same page in terms of declarations yet. Sounds like you're having fun to me, he's respectful and you're enjoying things as they are, and surely that's the point of the excercise, not to get someone past an arbitrary goalpost at the same time as you.

DillAte · 18/07/2022 13:16

why would he do all this if he only saw me as a friend?

Why would he engaged in fun recreational activities that end in sex?
It's not rocket science.
It's not like he put your name on his mortgage.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/07/2022 13:21

You're completely over-analysing this.

It's a new relationship. Just get to know each other.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 18/07/2022 13:25

He's keeping his options open in case something better comes along. So if you get upset, he can say 'well I did tell you I didn't think about you in that way'.

seaUrchinOne · 18/07/2022 13:27

All this and he only feels sexual attraction to you, he would know by now if he felt the same. I'd see this as a fwb rather than trying to build any sort of relationship. It would be foolish to hope for more.

LittleBirdBlu · 18/07/2022 13:30

It's been 4 days together!! Slow down!!
Just because he doesn't feel the same as you does not mean he won't. Dial it back and just enjoy seeing him, and see where it goes.

Original poster

Naivenelly · 18/07/2022 13:48

Thanks everyone. It's been so helpful to read through the different perspectives. I replied and said that I had thought about it and it was actually totally reasonable for him not to have feelings for me as we have only spent two weekends together (which is a relatively short amount of time) and is he open to even seeing where things go as we get to know each other. He said he doesn't feel in the place to be considering a relationship (which isn't what I was asking either) and really wouldn't do a long distance relationship. So I guess that answers that. I've been naive and feel pretty stupid right now.

OP posts:

ermagerdabear · 18/07/2022 13:55

He said he doesn't feel in the place to be considering a relationship (which isn't what I was asking either) and really wouldn't do a long distance relationship

Even though that's essentially what was happening

Yeah, I've been where you are OP. Throw this one back and move on. Don't feel daft about it though. It's good that you asked the question because now you know where you stand and won't be wasting anymore time on it.

Watchkeys · 18/07/2022 14:03

I feel like his words and actions are saying two different things

Just stay away. At the very best, the communication between you isn't easy and clear, and easy and clear communication is a base need in a happy relationship.

At the worst, he's playing you. The fact that the relationship is currently making you feel 'stupid' is a further bad sign. Unless you like feeling stupid.

Spend time with people with whom you feel confident, relaxed, and trusting with. Not with people who make your head feel like mush. Otherwise you are opting for the mushy head feeling. It's your responsibility to make sure you mix with people/do things that make you feel good.

Chdjdn · 18/07/2022 14:04

Sorry to see your update OP but better to find out after a couple of weekends together. Much as it’d still be tempting to keep in touch with him and “have fun” but if you’re wanting a relationship and starting to develop feelings it’s just going to lead to you getting hurt. Chalk it up to experience and consider that a near miss to getting really hurt a few weeks down the line.
you may find now that if you retreat he will have a “change of heart” or a “realisation” that he really likes you but treat that with suspicion

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