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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I kidding myself?

44 replies

Naivenelly · 18/07/2022 12:21

Hi all! I need a bit of an outside perspective on this but please be gentle with me!

Over the last couple of years and throughout covid, I became really friendly with a guy on social media through similar interests and personality. We are both single and early 30s. He lives in London and I live in Scotland. A new opportunity has come up through work which means I'm in London now every few weeks, so last month we actually met for the first time. We went out two nights in a row and had such a laugh, got on so well! He kissed me and the second night we slept together.

We would have been in touch regularly before then, but since meeting we text all day every day, chatting as friends and flirting too. We video call and he is always so lovely. He has invited me to two concerts with him this autumn.

So I was in London again at the weekend, obviously really excited to see him again and we had chatted loads about it, kept saying how much we were looking forward to it etc. it was SO great! On Friday we had a chill night, ordered food, watched a film etc and then Saturday night we went out for dinner and then to a few bars. We had so much fun, both nights were all over each other, clearly very attracted to one another and slept together etc.

We were texting then when I got home as we always do, and I happened to mention that as well as being obviously very attracted to him that I do actually have feelings for him.

He texted me back saying that he loves hanging out with me and things I'm amazing, feels like he can really be himself around me and is really sexually attracted to me but doesn't currently have feelings for me, but who knows that might change.. although he doesn't want me to be led on hoping that he will develop feelings.

Meanwhile he's planning to come visit me in Scotland, and we still have plans to go to two concerts together in the next few months.

My head is totally mush here now thinking, how could all this be happening without him having feelings for me? Does he just see me as a friend he can have sex with? Or does he like me but not realise it?? I feel like his words and actions are saying two different things. I'd also like to point out that he is a really genuine guy, not a f*boy or anything like that and is always very open with me. I just feel a bit stupid for having assumed through texting me alllll the time, hanging out with me when I'm there, sleeping with me, going on dates with me and making plans with me that he actually liked me.... 🙈🙈

OP posts:

PringlePoppin · 18/07/2022 14:10

I agree with a previous poster. He thinks you mean that you love him.

All a bit soon to be talking about feelings. Slow down and enjoy the ride.

Watchkeys · 18/07/2022 14:16

PringlePoppin · 18/07/2022 14:10

I agree with a previous poster. He thinks you mean that you love him.

All a bit soon to be talking about feelings. Slow down and enjoy the ride.

It's not too soon if it's what OP wants to be talking about. It might be too soon for him, which means incompatibility.

drlel · 18/07/2022 14:25

I think the reason it's hard to tell as "developing feelings for someone" is so subjective. Different people would interpret it in different ways

To me it's like saying you're starting to fall for someone....and with this interpretation I'd agree it's too soon and too few meetings. You don't actually know well enough.

However, if you mean it as in you're starting to like him, then he's feeling the same. He's just used different words.

What he said in response to you is lovely and appropriate for this stage in dating (I.e. I wouldn't really class it as a relationship yet)

ToastedWaffle · 18/07/2022 14:27

I'd be confused as hell. But I would take from it that he just wants a shag and nothing more.

ermagerdabear · 18/07/2022 14:37

Have the previous few posters missed the OP's update and the bit where he's said he's not in the place to be considering a relationship and wouldn't do a long distance one anyway? However he worded his first response or whether or not he thought the OP loved him or liked him, he's more or less said that it's not going to turn into anything with his last statement and he's never going to feel the same way.

Honeyroar · 18/07/2022 14:44

PringlePoppin · 18/07/2022 14:10

I agree with a previous poster. He thinks you mean that you love him.

All a bit soon to be talking about feelings. Slow down and enjoy the ride.

That’s what I thought until I read the update, but he’s made it really clear that he doesn’t want anything to develop further than a fuck buddie really, and that’s a little insulting. I’d probably reply that his update is completely understandable but it doesn’t make you feel like meeting him anymore as he’s made it clear that it will never go anywhere and, we’ll what’s the point? Tell him you like him, you’ve enjoyed your dates and wish him well.

ps, what exactly does have feelings for someone mean? You like them? You love them? You’re falling for them? It never really existed in my day..

Celestial135 · 18/07/2022 14:49

Me being me I'd probably pull away at this stage and let him come to me. It's still early days but I wouldn't be shagging someone that didn't like me as more than friends. People might say it's game playing but nice guys finish last. I wouldn't be a bitch but I'd back off a bit and try and cool it down and if he wants you he can let you know. Remember you're the prize so try and keep that mindset, it's a lot more empowering especially with men who are emotionally unavailable.

StopStartStop · 18/07/2022 14:53

I've been naive and feel pretty stupid right now.

No, you've been led on by a manipulator. That's how he operates! Respond:
"Dear Harry - thank you so much for the clarification. I've had a good time and enjoyed knowing you. All the best for the future. Bye. Nelly."

WesleyNeverDies · 18/07/2022 15:00

A guy who would sleep with me without having feelings for me is not a guy I would want in my life, simple as that.

I know those guys exist of course, but they are none of them relationship material.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 18/07/2022 15:00

Given you live at opposite ends of the UK, I think he's been very sensible not to read more into the situation, and he's done the decent thing to let you know that rather than string you along.

Effectively he's offering you FWB - you communicate regularly and meet up for fun and sex when work takes you to his area, or he takes a trip to yours.

It doesn't sound like that's what you want - so I'd reply something like "thanks for being honest, but I've realised I am looking for a committed long term relationship. This has been a bit confusing for me so I won't keep in touch any more. All the best"

Please don't feel stupid - it was fun while it lasted but he doesn't match up to what you're looking for, so now you are free to move on and look for someone who does.

Original poster

Naivenelly · 18/07/2022 15:39

Thanks everyone. I understand the confusion around "feelings", he knew I didn't mean love (I'm not crazy 🤣) when I said that I liked him, he asked me to define what I meant so I said that I fancied him, saw him as more than a friend etc. That's when he said he didn't. And that's fine, it happens! The part that confused me is that all of his actions say differently, but I guess I have to trust what he says!

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 18/07/2022 15:55

but I guess I have to trust what he says

Nope. If someone's actions don't match their words, trust neither.

waterrat · 18/07/2022 16:15

This is a really naff phrase OP but 'when you ASSUME you make an ASS of U and ME' (sorry for the naff words)!

you ASSUMED his behaviour was linked to the same feelings that your behaviour is linked to. You were wrong. Nothing to be ashamed of - but REIGN IT IN (if you want this to continue)

This guy has done nothing wrong - he is being honest. HE was enjoying chatting, flirting, having sex - he likes you. But for him - 'feelings' is a step beyond ie. wanting a committed relationship -

He has been honest - please (and I speak from bitter experience of my younger self getting so tied up like this) - just step back, HEAR what he is saying and try to remember you don't know him that well

Stop worrying about what he thinks about you- and focus on getting to know HIM and whether you actually like him.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 18/07/2022 16:18

Wafflybollocks · 18/07/2022 13:08

He's clearly said, in black and white, that he doesn't have feelings for you. Run away.

This, in spades. Don't wait around for him to get feelings as it looks like he knows just how much you like him but is keeping his options open.

Also, I hate to say it but I live and work in London and if he so wishes, there are lots of available women for him to date and so on with.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 18/07/2022 16:34

Naivenelly · 18/07/2022 13:48

Thanks everyone. It's been so helpful to read through the different perspectives. I replied and said that I had thought about it and it was actually totally reasonable for him not to have feelings for me as we have only spent two weekends together (which is a relatively short amount of time) and is he open to even seeing where things go as we get to know each other. He said he doesn't feel in the place to be considering a relationship (which isn't what I was asking either) and really wouldn't do a long distance relationship. So I guess that answers that. I've been naive and feel pretty stupid right now.

He knows exactly what was on the cards if you met up (and liked each other) and he also knew from the long distance and the amount of time you've spent texting what he was in for and that you were getting to know each other/liked each other. If he was any sort of decent person he'd have flagged up concerns before now, not led you on. But he wanted sex and a fun time and you were coming to London for work, so he led you on. Sorry. I'd forget about him.

Fruitandnuts · 18/07/2022 16:45

the reply @EvenMoreFuriousVexation gave is 100% -
"thanks for being honest, but I've realised I am looking for a committed long term relationship. This has been a bit confusing for me so I won't keep in touch any more. All the best"

Send this and leave things. take control and find someone who does want what you want. You will find him. You might be sad for a few weeks but after that he'll be a distant memory. Be proud you clarified things, you've saved yourself alot of time and energy, believe us !

LightSpeeds · 18/07/2022 17:01

ToastedWaffle · 18/07/2022 14:27

I'd be confused as hell. But I would take from it that he just wants a shag and nothing more.

^ This

FinallyHere · 18/07/2022 17:43

So I guess that answers that

Give yourself a bit of credit for raising it now rather than a could of months or even years down the line. You have been very sensible in recognising that their might be a mismatch snd acting on it.

The only mistake you could make now would be to try hanging around if the off chance that he does start to develop 'feelings' for you.

Don't do that. You liked him but it didn't work out. Next.

As PP has pointed out, it is indeed an argument in favour of meeting up after a few texts rather that building that illusion that you can get to know someone in VR the way you can in real life. All the best with the next one.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 18/07/2022 18:51

No need to beat yourself up over this OP. You've been open and honest and got an open and honest response back. Which is fucking brilliant! Some people could take a leaf out of your book!

You know your worth and your own mind. You have now found out you're on different pages and can make your informed decision.

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