How to politely decline birthday events in a small group of friends

[Candystripes85]

I’ll get straight to the point, I have friends who like to go “all out” for birthdays and I need some advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

I’ve been a mum for the last 3 years and despite working, I just can’t justify spending £100s of pounds 4/5 times a year on various weekend breaks and spa days etc. I also don’t have the desire to spend that much money on friends birthdays anymore, not because I don’t value our friendship but because that time of my life is over, and when I think about the things I could use that money for I get annoyed with the cost. I’m not interested in asking them to do something else that’s cheaper as I have suggested things over the years and they have never been keen. I respect that they don’t have the same commitments as I do and if they are happy to spend £200 4/5 times a year, it’s not for me to try and make them do otherwise.

I’m just looking for ways that I can politely decline future events without offending them. I’m happy to still buy a card/small prezzie, it’s just the weekends away or extravagant spa day type of events I have no desire to attend going forward, but because it’s been going on for well over a decade I’m finding it hard to just “drop out”.

Thanks in advance

Can't you just say you can't afford it? That seems easiest and surely everyone would understand given the cost of living crisis. And if they haven't got kids, point out how much childcare costs!

Yep, I'd tell them straight out. Emphasise that you still love them and value the friendship and would like to mark their birthdays but just can't stretch to the budget that they seem to be on. If you like, clarify that you're not looking for them to change plans to meet your budget.

Just tell the truth

I agree. Just be honest and explain that you can't keep doing it. You have other things you need to spend your money on. If there's one friend you are closest too, speak to them first, one on one.

If they are good friends they will understand and will reassure you.

If they make a fuss about it or sulk, they aren't good friends.

Just tell the truth instead of making up shitty excuses all the time that they all know is a lie anyway.

Yep truth all the way,

'I'm getting too old for this, but if you're up for a posh coffee on my sofa let me know' is my line

Or something like, 'let me know if you fancy something simpler, the fuel price hike has made me go into savings mode, so will need to give these birthday dos a miss for a while'.

Just say " Count me out, we're saving for a big project"

That was one of the things I had considered saying to be honest, and I totally agree on the childcare! I didn’t have a clue how expensive it really was until I needed to pay for it lol

Agree with everyone else.
Just say "I can't afford it"

or
"We don't have funds for that sort of thing at the moment"
or
"Out of my reach at the moment"
or
"Sorry, I can't justify that this year"

etc etc
Then "I hope you have a lovely time - look forward to seeing some photos" or something afterwards.

Thank you, that’s a nice way of putting it without sounding like a complete cow!

Well I did think about that, but the truth would be “I have no desire to spend £100s of pounds for your birthday” lol, and I thought that sounded a bit rude 😆

This is very true! I don’t have one I’m closest too but, I’m not really sure why I’m so worried about offending them to be honest. Everyone’s life changes at different times and it’s just one of those things. I guess there’s a part of me that worries they will be irritated when I tell them it costs too much.

I haven’t made any excuses as I haven’t missed any events yet

There are a group of us who have a lovely friend who frequently declines invites and just says - 'sounds fab but sadly I will have to pass as my budget can't stretch to it at the moment' sometimes plain honesty is the best policy -

Thank you! I love your second suggestion and that sounds like something I would say! It’s too the point but not rude and shouldn’t cause any offence to anyone.

We are saving to move house to be honest so I wouldn’t be lying if I said that! Thought we had enough saved but the house prices keep going up so high we have to carry on for another few years now.., although that’s for another thread!

Thank you, honestly I read these comments and it all seems so simple. I just keep playing different scenarios over and over in my head, complicating things, when it really is quite straight forward!

Thank you for commenting. It’s nice to hear from someone on the other side and that you still value their friendship despite them not attending. I’m not sure why I’m so worried about it, I think it’s because I’ll be the first person in 10 years to drop out. It’s become such a big part of everyone’s lives, i guess I feel guilty about letting them down and worried they will think I don’t like them anymore because I’m a mum. - even though it’s been 3 years!

I like the idea of being truthful and you’ve been given some good suggestions re. language, but the potential problem is that people suggest cheaper options (that are still unaffordable!) or offer to cover your costs. Some people are incapable of graciously accepting a polite “no thanks”. You might need to be quite firm.

Yes I know what you mean when you say that. One of the group in particular is very much like that. They wouldn’t offer to cover my costs, but I could definitely see alternatives being given when the truth is, I just don’t want to go at all 😅. I couldn’t even suggest a meal because it would end up a 5 course banquet in the poshest place around!

I think these are all good suggestions and the best thing is to be honest, but I also think you need to be willing to meet sometimes (albeit to do more affordable activities) if you want to keep the friendship going. So maybe a few times a year suggest free exhibitions/cheap theatre tickets/a coffee out or something which is more within your budget and see if anyone wants to come, just to show willing?

@Candystripes85 so you don't want to go out with them at all ? Ever? Even if they offered to cover your costs?

Then I guess you don't want friends and it's got nothing to do with birthdays

Tell them 'I've had a baby; you don't have kids and you don't understand how busy I am with my child. I want to have mum friends I can see for 30 mins over a coffee and not go out with you again' maybe throw in a few 'you don't get how tiring it is til you have kids' in there too for good measure

Don't be surprised if they're not interested in waiting around for you to decide you want friends again.

@Goldbar she said she doesn't want to go out with them at all.

@Candystripes85 just ghost them all. They'll get the hint that you don't want to be friends with them soon enough

Be firm and just say you can't afford it and its not what you want to spend your money on nowadays or compromise and suggest a once a year get together rather than the 4/5 or some cheaper get togethers at other times if you value their friendship. We did a sort of Come Dine With Me thing at each others house rather than big nights out with taxis, clubbing, outfits ect once we started buying houses and having different financial commitments.

They will offer alternatives if they want you to go so just be prepared for that.

@HuffleWoof . So really she wants to end the friendship? That's a bit different from being concerned about the cost of doing stuff.