How to politely decline birthday events in a small group of friends

[Candystripes85]

I’ll get straight to the point, I have friends who like to go “all out” for birthdays and I need some advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

I’ve been a mum for the last 3 years and despite working, I just can’t justify spending £100s of pounds 4/5 times a year on various weekend breaks and spa days etc. I also don’t have the desire to spend that much money on friends birthdays anymore, not because I don’t value our friendship but because that time of my life is over, and when I think about the things I could use that money for I get annoyed with the cost. I’m not interested in asking them to do something else that’s cheaper as I have suggested things over the years and they have never been keen. I respect that they don’t have the same commitments as I do and if they are happy to spend £200 4/5 times a year, it’s not for me to try and make them do otherwise.

I’m just looking for ways that I can politely decline future events without offending them. I’m happy to still buy a card/small prezzie, it’s just the weekends away or extravagant spa day type of events I have no desire to attend going forward, but because it’s been going on for well over a decade I’m finding it hard to just “drop out”.

Thanks in advance

Be prepared for the fall out though. The relationships may be damaged/probably will change. If you don't go and they all do, then they bond more, but you are not there to participate. You do have the money, you are just choosing to not spend it on that, instead of saving for a deposit, which of course is fine, but you must own that decision.

Just say 'with everything going on costs wise, and potentially moving house, I can't make these types of birthday celebrations at the moment. If you fancy It, lets go out for a meal around your birthday as I have a little pressie and card for you x'

"Dear friends
I can't afford to keep doing these extravagant birthday events. I will do a card/ £5 pressie from now on. It doesn't mean I don't love you all but I have other priorities for my money "

I think I wouldnt want to lose friends.. I have said in the past I cant go to all eg a few weddings, hens, big birthdays etc. Hard to do it all op. Maybe go for a drink/small gift. Would that work

Oh we meet up several times a year outside of the birthdays which probably works out to be every 6 weeks or so and we go out for dinner or drinks or a day out somewhere where I can take my toddler so I will still see them often, it’s literally just the bit expensive birthdays I don’t want to attend anymore.

I wonder how many of the friends are feeling the same way and the moment you drop out of the merry round then they do, too. Heaving a huge sigh of relief as they go.

Just be honest and say that you can’t afford it. And you never know perhaps others will then say thank god, neither can I.

Tell them you can't afford it. it they are good friends, they will start scaling down the celebrations so that everyone can join.

No I don’t want to go out for the big birthday bashes anymore, ever….

I do however see them outside of that regularly doing different things throughout the year which wasn't relevant to this discussion (as that wasn’t my question), so you can take your snotty comment back to the wrong side of bed you got out of.

Thats a lovely idea, thank you, I hadn’t thought of doing one big event before. We do see each other throughout the year for a few drinks or normal cheaper dinners so doing one big event may be a good compromise. We were discussing earlier in the year that’s it becoming harder and harder to think of new things to do as we’ve done so much over the years, so that may be a good alternative to suggest!

Yeah I totally accept that and to be honest it’s been that way anyway for a few years anyway as I was really ill during my pregnancy so physically couldn’t attend most of the events and then with a newborn who was born in the same part of the year as a few of the events I didn’t go to those either. We do still see each other regularly throughout the year and get together at Christmas too for a girls day so although they will probably be annoyed at me not going to the birthday events, I hope they will still want to see me at other times of the year!

Thank you, that’s a nice way of putting it. I have no problems going out for a normal dinner somewhere nice to celebrate so that sounds like a good plan!

Just be honest, I would prepare yourself for them to get a bit more distanced from you though, as if one person in a group no longer goes to all the usual 'events' that person will often be overlooked as time goes on.

If you are ok with that then be honest and just tell them you can't afford it anymore

I’m hoping that would work! I would still really like to celebrate their birthdays just in a more affordable and time intensive way. I’m happy to even spend £30 on a prezzie and then go out for dinner as well, it’s just when it’s a £30 prezzie, dinner and then a expensive weekend away with various expensive activities it starts to add up to £1000s over the course of the year by the time I’ve done it 5 times.

Can you imagine?! I guess someone has to take the plunge first! Another user made a suggestion of doing one big event rather than the 5 seperate ones so I think I’m going to suggest that to them first and see what they say as it sounds like a good compromise and in theory should both allow us to all celebrate each other’s birthdays together whilst also cutting down on the cost!

😆you’re the second person to comment something similar and it’s now got me wondering whether anyone else is thinking what I am! It will be interesting to find out!

And I think I crossposted with the other person so we hadn’t even seen each other’s comment.

I think you’re going to find that at least one other person or couple in the group is going to say actually, we’re finding it all a bit too much as well.

I bet they thank you for having the courage to speak up.

If they're actually decent friends, then agree just tell them you can't afford it.
I only had babies slightly earlier than others in my group but I'm the one with lowest income/highest outgoings. . So when a couple of them went away, I just said no way could I afford that and I didn't think I could really get DH to do another weekend in his own just yet. If we go away and we want it to be everyone, we set a budget and work to it. If it's "I really want to go to Cape Verde, who's in?" that's different

I think the idea to do one big trip a year is a good one. You need to be prepared to do that trip though, so if you're not then don't suggest it.

You could also say, I can't come to all of them any more but maybe I could come to the odd trip. Explain it doesn't mean you care about one person more than another if you choose their birthday trip, it's just the one that works for childcare or whatever.

If you enjoy them then that's a good compromise.

As well as talking about the budget being too high, could you not stress that you’ve got very few free weekends this year because of other commitments, family stuff going on etc. Just start being unavailable?

Yes one trip a year sounds good. Cuts out constant nights out. Op I have 8 nieces nephews its constant birthdays. I had to say no somewhere there was no end to it

I would suggest also saying that you can't stretch to it several times a year but could save up for once a year.

It’s all well and good everyone saying be honest etc as if it’s literally that easy but life doesn’t work like that. Being honest would be “I don’t want to” . It really fucks me off when people on here just blithely say that, like it wouldn’t offend the fuck out of people!

I’ve had similar where I stopped drinking and just didn’t want to go on nights out. I also never wanted to go on weekends away. In the end after definitely pissing people off with excuses I told my friends I just wasn’t go to go out drinking anymore, they actually took it quite well when I explained why. Just do it in advance so people don’t take it personally and do it one to one. Be prepared for people to get offended but if you make the effort at other times there is no reason for people to get the hump - not everyone likes doing the same things and that’s ok.

I'd just be honest and say that the weekends away aren't your thing, but you hope everyone has a good time.
Nothing wrong with that, just as there's nothing wrong with them wanting to go away if they have the money and inclination to do so.

So it fucks you off when people say be honest because it isn't that simple but yo u were honest and your friends were ok with it.
Eh?

There's a different nt between "you just aren't very important to me now, I have a baby and that is all consuming, not that you could possibly understand so in future my priority for money and cash is little Dexter so unless he's invited, you can have 6 hours a year" and "between the baby and the bills going up, I really can't afford all these weekends and I don't want to offend by picking one over the other based on what I can afford at the time or when Steve is home to have him so how about X instead"