I need to understand if I've overstepped the mark. Yesterday whilst DH was berating me for not having weighed the items in the breakfast I made us, I snapped - told him that he had disordered eating, it's not my responsibility and he didn't have to eat the breakfast.
He stopped the car got out and left me in the middle of the road to walk home. Since then it's either silence treatment or going over and over the same thing and how hurt he is. I have apologised but I can't say it was my sincerest, and tbh I honestly feel that if it resonated that much with him then it's because there's an element of truth
A few things that made me say what I did:
- he's addicted to carbs, he could eat a whole loaf of bread no problem, regularly just walks to the bread bin and mindlessly eats a few slices before or after meals
- he binge eats, to the point that when he can't sleep and then he feels the need to sedate himself with food to sleep
- up until very recently he has had two extremes: eat everything or restrict to 1,500 calories.
- he has very little control. If we have sweet treats, nice bread or beer in the house it won't last more than a day.
- he eats at odd times, very little routine and most of the time we eat separately which I find incredibly sad and lonely.
- I regularly go to the fridge and something had been mindlessly eaten that I've bought for a specific reason, it's never replaced. I've reached a point where I actually try to buy some stuff that he has previously said he doesn't like, to avoid this happening and he will still eat it just because it's there
- he obsesses/worries over social occasions where food is the focus, and actively avoids them especially if they're being held by people he considers to be overweight, as he finds it hard to regulate his eating around them (his paraphrased words)
Bit of background: he grew up in a labouring household with 1950s values. DMIL fills the table 3 times a day. Mentality of eat large, food is fuel/love. He's never grown out of it, never learnt to cook. DHs job is sedentary, it's been a tough few years and he's also an emotional eater who's now the wrong side of a youthful metabolism. He's gained significant weight that he's unhappy with.
Food-wise when left to himself, until very recently he's basically lived off ready meals and convenience food since leaving home. Doesn't "have the time" or the inclination to cook. But h
Positively he's reached a point of unhappiness where he's been to see a food therapist, which I supported. Howver she basically seems to have pointed out the bloody obvious without any real guidance or addressing the underlying causes and simply said; eat less carbs, cook from fresh and eat more veg and protein. This has caused him to do a 180 and he now has 4 very rigid and time consuming recipes that he will only cook. I enjoy cooking and I couldn't be arsed with what he's chosen to fixate on. He's just cooked homemade soup in the middle of a heatwave, he's eating tonnes of red meat. Cooks at really bizarre times, will start making a steak and raw salad at 11pm, and will then store hot meat and raw veggies in Tupperware together in the fridge. A recipe for food poisoning IMO and very expensive. I'm pregnant and so when he offers me the food the next day, I don't want the risk.
For context he can cook but definitely benefits from rigid guidance. We shared Hello Fresh boxes for a while during lockdown to help him learn and he was great, but he said it took too long and I ended up cooking them, when I can cook just fine and don't need to pay a premium. So unless I make something we don't eat together.
Today I did a weekly shop and after our fight and DH explicitly said to not shop for him, he doesn't need me to and he'll do his own, he then went an hour after me which is ridiculous in itself. I bought just enough food for me, I've gone down to the fridge an hour later and he's already started eating my yogurts. When I called him out on it, that apparently that makes me controlling. I'm not, if he wanted yogurts there were two opportunities to get him yogurts. I realise these are tiny petty things, but it builds up and it's just so frustrating!! And he can't even see the double standards of it when I point it out. Instead he stropped off to the corner shop and bought a huge litre of luxury creamy compote yogurt which I doubt will make it to tomorrow evening
So DH is fixated on the fact that I have, in his mind accused him of having a mental illness. Whereas I see disordered eating as a spectrum between normal eating and an eating disorder, and it's clearly something he struggles with. I've had friends with severe eating disorders so a diagnosis is not something I would never throw around. In fact I have had disordered eating myself during my teens, restricting and bingeing and I often feel like eating food in our house is a race against time and I can see myself slipping back into those patterns
I'm just exhausted by this, I realise he's trying to get help and impeove but it never seems to be in a sustainable and healthy way. I'm becoming increasingly resentful at how pervasive it has become in my life. I just don't know how I can deal with this better