DH and food - bit of an AIBU? (Long)

[Paprikapommes]

I need to understand if I've overstepped the mark. Yesterday whilst DH was berating me for not having weighed the items in the breakfast I made us, I snapped - told him that he had disordered eating, it's not my responsibility and he didn't have to eat the breakfast.

He stopped the car got out and left me in the middle of the road to walk home. Since then it's either silence treatment or going over and over the same thing and how hurt he is. I have apologised but I can't say it was my sincerest, and tbh I honestly feel that if it resonated that much with him then it's because there's an element of truth

A few things that made me say what I did:

• he's addicted to carbs, he could eat a whole loaf of bread no problem, regularly just walks to the bread bin and mindlessly eats a few slices before or after meals
• he binge eats, to the point that when he can't sleep and then he feels the need to sedate himself with food to sleep
• up until very recently he has had two extremes: eat everything or restrict to 1,500 calories.
• he has very little control. If we have sweet treats, nice bread or beer in the house it won't last more than a day.
• he eats at odd times, very little routine and most of the time we eat separately which I find incredibly sad and lonely.
• I regularly go to the fridge and something had been mindlessly eaten that I've bought for a specific reason, it's never replaced. I've reached a point where I actually try to buy some stuff that he has previously said he doesn't like, to avoid this happening and he will still eat it just because it's there
• he obsesses/worries over social occasions where food is the focus, and actively avoids them especially if they're being held by people he considers to be overweight, as he finds it hard to regulate his eating around them (his paraphrased words)

Bit of background: he grew up in a labouring household with 1950s values. DMIL fills the table 3 times a day. Mentality of eat large, food is fuel/love. He's never grown out of it, never learnt to cook. DHs job is sedentary, it's been a tough few years and he's also an emotional eater who's now the wrong side of a youthful metabolism. He's gained significant weight that he's unhappy with.

Food-wise when left to himself, until very recently he's basically lived off ready meals and convenience food since leaving home. Doesn't "have the time" or the inclination to cook. But h
Positively he's reached a point of unhappiness where he's been to see a food therapist, which I supported. Howver she basically seems to have pointed out the bloody obvious without any real guidance or addressing the underlying causes and simply said; eat less carbs, cook from fresh and eat more veg and protein. This has caused him to do a 180 and he now has 4 very rigid and time consuming recipes that he will only cook. I enjoy cooking and I couldn't be arsed with what he's chosen to fixate on. He's just cooked homemade soup in the middle of a heatwave, he's eating tonnes of red meat. Cooks at really bizarre times, will start making a steak and raw salad at 11pm, and will then store hot meat and raw veggies in Tupperware together in the fridge. A recipe for food poisoning IMO and very expensive. I'm pregnant and so when he offers me the food the next day, I don't want the risk.

For context he can cook but definitely benefits from rigid guidance. We shared Hello Fresh boxes for a while during lockdown to help him learn and he was great, but he said it took too long and I ended up cooking them, when I can cook just fine and don't need to pay a premium. So unless I make something we don't eat together.

Today I did a weekly shop and after our fight and DH explicitly said to not shop for him, he doesn't need me to and he'll do his own, he then went an hour after me which is ridiculous in itself. I bought just enough food for me, I've gone down to the fridge an hour later and he's already started eating my yogurts. When I called him out on it, that apparently that makes me controlling. I'm not, if he wanted yogurts there were two opportunities to get him yogurts. I realise these are tiny petty things, but it builds up and it's just so frustrating!! And he can't even see the double standards of it when I point it out. Instead he stropped off to the corner shop and bought a huge litre of luxury creamy compote yogurt which I doubt will make it to tomorrow evening

So DH is fixated on the fact that I have, in his mind accused him of having a mental illness. Whereas I see disordered eating as a spectrum between normal eating and an eating disorder, and it's clearly something he struggles with. I've had friends with severe eating disorders so a diagnosis is not something I would never throw around. In fact I have had disordered eating myself during my teens, restricting and bingeing and I often feel like eating food in our house is a race against time and I can see myself slipping back into those patterns

I'm just exhausted by this, I realise he's trying to get help and impeove but it never seems to be in a sustainable and healthy way. I'm becoming increasingly resentful at how pervasive it has become in my life. I just don't know how I can deal with this better

The food stuff seems like a manifestation of his problems. The reality is that he blames you for his problems and won't take responsibility for his own behaviour. He doesn't respect you. So either he has some amazing realisation that he's got major problems, does something about them and realises you are a real person who needs to be considered. Or you learn to put up with him. Or you leave.

Mental health or not he sounds absolutely awful. I couldn't be with someone this draining. You need to put your children before your husband and think about leaving him.

Don't make your kids live like this. It sounds like a really serious MH issue here, and I'd make him deal with it/get treatment before even attempting to raise a family together.

Thank you for all your comments, it's been quite eye opening to not have a single IABU. I'm not the most naturally emotionally sensitive person and my delivery can be pretty matter of fact, the complete opposite to how DH works. Which often means we stoke each others anger.

However I don't think I've reached a LTB point yet, especially as he is consciously trying to improve. Having grown up in a family of functioning alcoholics I have my own issues, and am by no means perfect but I am trying to consciously improve (my last blackout was 2018).

I think in the short term couples therapy will be the next step if I can't get him to understand the impact this is having.

I had some serious eating issues in the early stages of my relationship with DH. Starting with gaining a lot of weight when we got together, followed by an obsession with calories that lead to anorexia, followed by binge eating , followed by bulimia. Over a period of about 5 years.

It sounds like he has serious binge eating issues. Does he purge in anyway? Or is it just a restrict - binge cycle?

In his defence, and I know people will slate me, my disorder turned me into a monster. I was desperate to lay the blame somewhere, I would pick holes in everything, I was a totally different person. My DH left me twice (before we had kids so it was a lot easier) eventually something clicked with me and I started to sort myself out and we got back together. I am still ashamed by the way I treated him. I apologise to him every day.

The only way this is going to work is if he addresses the issue. And no amount of diet therapy is going to help. No diet is going to help. He needs proper therapy to address the root cause.

You sound like a wonderful wife.

He also apparently told her that I am a cause and am very controlling. He didnt clarify how, but I imagine it's because I complain about not eating together and make meals. He also picks his skin when anxious stressed and has justtold me that he's done it to both of his upper arms because of what I've said

Unless you’re missing out a MASSIVE part of this story, he’s behaving abusively towards you by calling you controlling (for being normal/not weighing his fucking breakie) and blaming you for his self harm.

if he really equated food with love he’d be (over)catering for you, making sure you had the best of everything especially during your pregnancy - not stealing your food and refusing to have a meal with you.

He’s not a kind man - or maybe he was once but his food and control issues have swerved him all out of shape. Right now he’s making you stressed, lonely and upset. He needs to get help. Honestly I don’t think you need couples counselling and reckon you’re only suggesting it because he’ll kick off less if it’s “both your faults”. Does that sound right?

you mention having a family of alcoholics so it’s probably taught you to forgive way too much from people because it’s not their fault they’re dependent on a substance or behaviour. It’s probably knocked your standards and your boundaries way down.

honestly if it were me I’d give him one chance to seek serious help, without resorting to blaming me, or I’d leave him to it for at least a couple of weeks. Give him a taste of life with no one to be his emotional punch bag.

Bless you, this sounds like a mess. If you step back from the weighing and the yoghurts, this is a man with some serious mental health issues, and the fact that he's blaming you for his behaviour shows me that he's nowhere near where he needs to be in order to affect enough change in order to make this workable in the short term.

In order to stay invested in this I would be needing to hear some very clear, This is not your fault, and seeing some full commitment in action towards recovery.

You are not his rehab.

Couples counselling isn't necessarily a bad idea, but you have to go into it knowing what the goal is, i.e. for him to take responsibility for his dysfunctional eating behaviour and address it as well as ensuring it does not impact the rest of his family. You need red lines.

Red flag. "He also picks his skin when anxious stressed and has justtold me that he's done it to both of his upper arms because of what I've said."

Counselling is not advisable because DH is abusive.

His thinking is disorder. Emotions, negative automatic thoughts and comfort eating all come from the subconscious part of the mind, not the rational, logical conscious.

Does he believe he has a problem?

I agree, but OP has made it clear she is not ready to LTB and is set on counselling. If she's going to do it, best start with harm reduction in place.

I'd be LTB.

He thinks he eats badly and that it can be improved if he tries. I don't think he sees how it impacts others or the scale at which it dictates daily life.

A common excuse is always that he doesn't have time, work is busy, or can't help himself so his solution is to abstain/not have food in the house. Impulse control is non-existent. He's also a workaholic so the addictive behaviour and tunnel vision focus doesn't just stop with food.

Lashes out
Wont take responsibilty for his own actions
Silent treatment
Blaming and projection
Workaholic
Eating disorder

Do you really think this is a suitable person for a child to grow up around?

So he's driven and focused in his work and now he's had some direction from the food therapist (albeit very basic and badly delivered) he's focused all his efforts on that regime but he still has an emotional attachment to comfort food?

The fact that he learnt from childhood that food = love (comfort/approval) is driving this and is why he can't self regulate. Not his fault, it was programmed deep in his subconscious brain way before he had the option to decide if was a good strategy. It can be changed but only if he recognises his relationship with food is damaged and he actively wants to change it. CBT would help, as would hypnosis (note - I would say that, I'm a remedial hypnotist!). Bottom line is it can be fixed but not until he's ready to see it as an emotional - not mental - problem.

Hey op.
im a qualified counsellor, I wouldn’t enter couples counselling at the moment.
maybe you could get some therapy to help with married life and your relationship. if your DH isn’t going to take any responsibility for his addiction/coping mechanisms then it can help you to cope by having an outlet.
He needs specialist therapy. ED are very complex to treat.

Eyesopenwideawake really helpful, thank you. I don't think I've helped the situation with the ham-fisted wording of my outburst. It's been taken out of context to the point that you'd think I'd suggested he needs to be sectioned. Which is absolutely not what I intended. It is most definitely emotional and there's a lot to unpick.

I have mentioned CBT and do think coping mechanisms would be helpful, but as many have said he has to take responsibility for the issue in the first place.

The more you describe him, the more he sounds like a total arse. I don't think it matters why he is the way he is as i don't think he will change and the outcome is the same and you and your DC will end up suffering.

I am the mother of a DD who was very unwell with anorexia nervosa. My DD was not an adult at the time, but she is now, and her eating remains disordered. I tell you this so you understand I have some knowledge of what’s happening.

I’d say, first, your DH seems to have an eating disorder. It’s usually about feelings, not eating, so the best thing would be for him to get specialist help. B-Eat might be a place to start for you both (they have Carer’s forums, as well as sufferers)

second, you can’t change DH. You can suggest and direct and facilitate. It’s bloody hard to do that swimming alongside stuff when it affects you too and you are frustrated and tired and angry.

You can (I did and it was really helpful) get therapy to understand this isn’t your fault and it isn’t yours to fix. And to support you whilst you do the swimming alongside thing.

Last, if nothing changes, nothing will change. In our case, we stood back. Let her get on with it. Let her take responsibility. It was really hard but it did result in positive changes.

I think if you care about yourself and the child you are bringing into this world you really need to separate until he has his mental health under control.

You are not going to be able to look after your child properly if you so absorbed in propping him up.

I can see that having lockable food cupboards and fridges could work when you are a couple - but a child witnessing that?
I guess you could move into a house with a separate flat so you have two kitchens and he is locked out of the 'family kitchen' while he has his own separate flat kitchen where he can weigh out his cornflakes to his heart's content?
Not my idea of a healthy in environment for a child to grow up in, I wonder what your future child's future therapist will think of that?

OP, I would think you need to explore why you would think a man with so many MH challenges, who takes zero responsibility for his behaviours and blames you any chance he gets is a good prospect as a father.

I would think you should focus on protecting your child from this addictive personality and unhealthy environment.

I would be looking at all my options.
Very Seriously.

My own eating has been more or less disordered for pretty much as long as I can remember.

If he is ready to take responsibility, there is an approach which worked for me. It came out of work to help people give up smoking, treats overeating as an addiction which, of course, it's not possible to go 'cold turkey' on.

www.eatinglessonline.com

There will be a new course starting in September. Meanwhile, there are lots of resources available.

Hope you find what works for you.

I would be leaving before the baby is born. To leave it till afterwards restricts what you can do so much. Get out now whilst you can and save yourself and your child from living with this stress.

Yes to this. It’s no way to live and you need to safeguard your child.

He needs proper psychiatric help, not a woo therapist or couples counselling.

Leave and reconsider if he gets treatment.

I am similar to your DH. I do the bread thing. I'm not an arsehole though and don't eat DHs stuff.

I cook my food and my DH cooks his food. We have always been that way in the 17 years we've lived together. Shiftwork and our lifestyles meant we didn't always eat at the same time. But if we want to eat at the same time, we both cook together in the kitchen. DC has always been a fussy eater too and won't eat the variety of food I eat. Now we have DC, one of us will cook what we're having for the kids and we take it in turns.

I know loads of people diagnosis their partners on MN and I don't want to do that. There is a long history of eating disorders and autistic behaviour in my family. DC has been diagnosed with autism. Lack of self care, forgetting to eat, anxiety around food, skin picking, work addiction etc are all traits of autism. There is also an increased likelihood of people with eating disorders being autistic. Make of that what you will, merely something to think about. I don't really have any advice. But I don't shout at my DH for not weighing out my breakfast (because I make my own!).