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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done it, please hand hold

32 replies

Kione · 17/07/2022 12:20

I opened a thread a few weeks ago about how to break up with someone you love, but it's not working.

Finally got the courage. He's just left.
I am heart broken. I really really loved him. And still do. But I know it's not going to work.

That's it really.

It hurts like fuck.

OP posts:
Defiantlynot41 · 17/07/2022 12:38

Good for you. You've chosen some short term pain over storing up pain for the long term and your future self will thank you.

In the meantime, treat yourself like someone you love very much, favourite music, perhaps a new paperback book to distract you, delicious nourishing food, keep hydrated etc. it won't get rid of the pain but it might help a little.

The other thing I'd highly recommend is watching Guy Winch's Ted talk on emotional fist aid youtube ted talks emotional first aid

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2022 12:40

Thank you. That's such lovely advice that I will take on.

At the moment am trying to stop crying to go and walk the dog

OP posts:
Lilliesbloom · 17/07/2022 13:22

You made the right decision OP. It will hurt so bad and then eventually it will get easier.

TokyoTen · 17/07/2022 14:04

Well done. You've chosen long term happiness over short term pain.

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2022 14:25

Thank you. It really helps to come to the thread x

OP posts:
something2say · 17/07/2022 14:32

Hello. I've just done this, at Easter. Three months later I'm in a totally different place and having loads of fun. You'll get there.

My best piece of advice - well two -

  1. Journal like MAD. Pour it all out, go over and over it, remember WHY you had to do it.
  2. Then at the same time, realise there is nothing to be gained by going over and over it after a while. It hurts - the end. Thinking about it will hurt, so try to just do other things. What is going to change in your life now? How are you going to be filling your time? Do those things. They are your future.

And one last word - one of the reasons I did it was that the didn't like me out playing music with my musician friends. He was happy with it for a while, but not for long when he was there. Now I don't have to worry about that and can stay out as long as I like. So the first jam I went to - crap. Cold nondescript weather, not a great jam, no one was really interested - and I thought (to quote Dolly) 'I shaved my legs for this???'

But that didn't last. Now I am having the time of my life and the jams are getting serious, and I've got two people who want to do projects with me. I split from my lovely sexy sweet fiancé as we just didn't gel as people, and now the dust has settled, how right that was.

You will be fine - in time - I am sorry you are hurting - try to reach for happiness but let in the grief and sadness - and the peace you will receive from doing what you knew you had to xxx

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2022 16:39

Thank you.

The one thing I am going to do straight away is a healthy meal plan for the week, which I was doing before we started. It all went to pot because he loved eating out and cooking full fat delicious stuff. But I put on 2 stone.

OP posts:
something2say · 17/07/2022 17:29

Ah yes, the newly single weight loss. I've lost a stone I reckon...

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2022 17:42

I heard it called "the divorce diet" sadly funny

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 17/07/2022 20:06

Keep going, and keep posting here. I hope you have some peace of mind for knowing you did the best thing for your future.

Allicando · 17/07/2022 20:17

I know how you are feeling too. I found my stbxh on a dating website in May. I have tied myself up in knots over staying or leaving but I know I will never trust him again and so it is over. You have to stay away from him too, no contact its the only way to heal. I have lost about a stone or so now and am just coming out of the heartbreak fog. My mistake was contacting him and picking at the scab.

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2022 20:58

I feel peaceful now.
See he hasn't done anything wrong, it's a personality clash, he is not neurotypical and the amazing romance we had just completely changed due to his job etc.
I could see a start of alcohol dependency, nothing awful happened but drinking a lot is completely normal to him...
So it's sad, he has done nothing wrong, and he helped around the house a lot. But it just was not going to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 20/07/2022 18:43

Don't know if anyone still following this. I feel bad today. Really miss him and feel sad.

He started a new job and has been quite stressed offloading with me, we work in the sane area. He is not local and doesn't have family or many friends around.

I feel a bit shitty. My son asked if he was coming today and broke my heart

OP posts:
something2say · 20/07/2022 18:46

Ah, I'm sorry. Are you still in touch a lot then? It really is better to give it a break... life has to move on without him. It hurts to keep hitting the wound.

What are you doing tonight?

stupidly · 20/07/2022 18:48

He'll need to speak to someone else about his issues as you need to focus on your own healing and speaking to him isn't helping you

Original poster
Kione · 20/07/2022 19:01

We are not in touch a lot but my colleagues ask me about him. Haven't told everyone yet

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 20/07/2022 19:06

And he still hasn't come to get his things

OP posts:
something2say · 20/07/2022 19:22

So some stuff to come then.

Distraction is your friend right now. Thelma and Louise is on bbc iplayer?

Original poster
Kione · 20/07/2022 19:30

DS is on the Nintendo Switch, I am guiding him tho!

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 31/07/2022 20:37

Kione · 20/07/2022 19:01

We are not in touch a lot but my colleagues ask me about him. Haven't told everyone yet

Going no contact is highly recommended by so many on here. Often after bitter experience of staying in contact. Drop a bin bag of his stuff outside his/a third party’s house and draw a line.

Original poster
Kione · 21/08/2022 18:28

So, it's been a little over a month. After the first painful days, I felt a huge sense of peace and relief. Then went on holiday.

I met someone on tinder super hot but going nowhere. There is another thread, "free spirit" bladibla.

I feel sad. I don't want/need a relationship but sporadic encounters leave me flat. And I miss the ex. I wish I still felt that initial peace and relief.

OP posts:
Olivia199 · 21/08/2022 18:55

Kione · 21/08/2022 18:28

So, it's been a little over a month. After the first painful days, I felt a huge sense of peace and relief. Then went on holiday.

I met someone on tinder super hot but going nowhere. There is another thread, "free spirit" bladibla.

I feel sad. I don't want/need a relationship but sporadic encounters leave me flat. And I miss the ex. I wish I still felt that initial peace and relief.

I'm sorry you're hurting. As others said initially, your going through this pain now so that future you has the chance to have everything. Sporadic encounters at this stage are both inevitable and sad as they just don't feel right. They don't feel like it did. That initial peace and relief will not only come back, but come back tenfold. I promise you that. It seems like a long time - a month - but it's not long when it comes to healing and each day it'll heal a little more.
I never felt like it did, never felt like I was getting anywhere. So I wrote a journal and poured my heart out, then when looking back at it each week I realised how actually that healing was happening. Almost how we don't see subtle change when we are around it every day but looking back it's so very evident.

You're doing amazingly. Keep treating yourself how you deserve to be treated and keep pushing forward. X

Original poster
Kione · 21/08/2022 21:17

Thank you.
That team helps. I don't really like writing journals but I can try.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 21/08/2022 21:17

I meant that "really" helps

OP posts:
OutDamnedSpot · 21/08/2022 21:27

Just jumping in here in solidarity. I need to do the same thing, so it would be nice to share experiences. I love the advice from @Defiantlynot41 and will be trying to follow it too. Hope you’re okay OP Flowers