Ex kept DC a secret

[HotAndColge]

just that. DC is 2 months old and he’s not told any friends, colleagues or wider family about it. He’s not paying maintenance despite being in a stable well paid job so I will have to apply.

I know I probably need to be talked down but im so annoyed about the fact he’ll be waltzing into work in his suit, having drinks after work chatting away, seeing friends… all of whom have no idea what an utter scummy person he is not seeing or paying for DC.

I get it’s his information to tell but I’d be surprised if he was being such a twat about money if he knew others knew he had a baby… easy to bury his head in the sand otherwise. We were together 3 years. I feel like he’s massively taking the piss. He’s late 30’s and at 20 I could see someone doing something like this but seriously… he’s sat there talking about colleagues kids etc, i know this because he used to tell me when together.

like I say I probably need talking down. I’d just feel better if it was out in the open.

Oh he’s also never met DC either, up to him but just adds to his secrecy I think

Put a claim in ASAP and let him get on with his ignorant life.

If friends etc know who you are he’ll look like an absolute bellend if you bump into one of them in Tesco!

@DowntonCrabby we had recently relocated before I was pregnant and so unfortunately he works with a new set of colleagues and his main friends are all in London so unlikely to bump into them!

I just don’t think he’d be so difficult if others knew

Put a CMS claim in immediately. My ex-h has abandoned our son and pretends he doesn't exist. These arsehole men are everywhere sadly.

I just want them all to know. I want his colleagues to know factually he has a child. Same with his friends. Only his best friend knows and that was when we accidentally saw him when I was pregnant!

@TheFormidableMrsC i think I was very naive to think a professional man going into an office and holding the fort everyday wouldn’t do something like this!! I was very wrong!

All you can do is claim cms immediately and plan a wonderful life for you and your child. It’s your ex’s loss

Concentrate on your lovely new baby.

Who he tells or doesn't tell about your dc is none of your business. Your not together anymore.

It shows how unimportant your dc is to your ex. He showing you he's not taking responsibility in any respect so you need to organise finances.
Apply to CMS asap.

His private life is private. He doesn't have to share any information on his home life with his new colleagues.

What difference would it make to the way he performs in his job whether he has a (abandoned his) child or not?

My ex hasn't seen mine since they were 2years and 3 months. They are now 12 and 9. He has another kids (6) that he also doesn't see. His new last fiancé didn't know about my two. He didn't tell her. A friend of mine spoke about them and it came out she didn't know. It hurt at the time but you have to let it go and not think about it

Another kid that is 6, not 6 other kids

He’s entitled to some privacy - yes it’s absolutely shitty behaviour, but it doesn’t have anything to do with you if you’re not together now.

He should absolutely be contributing to the costs of bringing up your child though, so get that claim in - it only “counts” from the day you file and it’s pretty much all online now and easy enough to start.

I hope, for your child’s sake, that he wakes up and realises what he’s missing out on in not being an active parent. But you can’t force a relationship, and ‘shaming’ him (even if it would make him feel ashamed and/or assuming his colleagues even give a shit when you tell them) isn’t likely to encourage him to get to know his DC.

I just don’t think he’d be so difficult if others knew

He would. He’s a selfish arse. Telling people he has a kid won’t change that - he’d just lie to them about his involvement, or lie about you being unreasonable and stopping him from seeing his baby. It wouldn’t make him behave differently, no ‘social pressure’ would be brought to bear on him because he’d just control the narrative so he wasn’t the bad guy.

Forget him. Concentrate on you and your baby. It is, quite literally, his loss. Get all the money you’re entitled to from him but stop letting him live rent-free in your head.

Thanks I know it’s his information to share… I think I just wonder if he would behave differently if other people were aware?

I don’t know. He gives a very good impression to others that he’s ‘it’ at work and among friends and I just can’t get my head around how he can box it off like this.

@NoSquirrels thats true I guess he would just brush off any questions about involvement and carry on as he is. Hadn’t thought of that!

The flip side to this is you don't have a controlling arsehole in your life, trying to hurt you through your child. You don't have to worry about visitation schedules, holidays, missing clothes or abuse towards the DC.

Get that claim in and get on with your life. It's his loss if he chooses not to step up.

It just makes me feel so sick he could not even acknowledge his own DC. Who does that !!

Your situation is really always and I know it's a cliche but don't drink his poison.
Your feelings are valid and understandable but don't let him ruin your life.
Congratulations on your baby. What a blessing.

Always should have read awful.

@whereamu what do you mean really always?

and thank you :)

@whereamu oh cross posted!

just find it incredible especially as he’s not contributed financially!!!

What about his parents / siblings - do they know they have a new member of the family?

You are much better off without this idiot in your life OP, try not to let it sour or taint your life with your baby, you don't want to be like him.

I think that's right. He's probably already got a back story of you being a crazy ex who won't let him see his child.

Tbh having had parents who weren't really interested in me at all, I'd rather have just one loving and caring parent than be involved with another parent who didn't give a damn and just thought of himself. It sounds like he would've been a terrible father and your only involvement with him would've been making his life run more smoothly while he just did as he pleased. You're well rid of him.

Apply for cm immediately.

12% of his salary, I think since he doesn't take the child for any overnights.

Maybe they can backdate it 2 months.

That won't cover all the masses of stuff you had to buy for the baby as well as basicsbut what can you do.

They probably won't care. I know similar men. It doesn't affect my working or then casual social relationship with them.

Nobody is going to care about some Ex and a random baby. So you need to. Get CMS involved and move on.