Finding female friendships harder as I get older

[wigglypigeon]

I work in an all male environment which is great fun and I like that men are in general just 'black and white' with their thoughts and opinions.
Now, being middle aged I'm finding I just don't have the desire to have 'best buddy' girlfriends nor have the energy to deal with their dramas. I don't even really enjoy going out to dinner with them anymore.
Is this an age thing as when I was younger, there was nothing more important to me than having lots of female friends?!?!

I find that a lot of middle aged people in general like to boast and ramble on about banal stuff a lot, especially about house renovations and their children's achievements. Two things I have no interest in. I find myself spending 2-3 hours mainly pretending to be super impressed/interested when socialising with others these days. It's exhausting.

I am early forties and have noticed a couple of friends have become tedious.

I do think it’s a age rather than gender thing. I work with mainly men and they can be just as boring.

people are all of a sudden obsessed with their health and status.

I actually dont Mind hearing about house renovations - at least people are excited. I have a friend who talks non stop about work - she is a teacher and I swear I could walk into that school tomorrow and know who everyone is😂😂

and if you are a woman the menopause charge is bloody horrific

I don't find the drama. But I do find new adult friends have been fickle, a bit self centred and I find general chit chat much more boring recently.

I think it's me though. I just don't have much to give now I have a busy family life.

Yes this.

Or if you are meeting MA women with a lot of dramas you are meeting the wrong women.

I don't think suddenly deciding you don't like your female friends is an age thing, no. Perhaps you've just changed. Be honest and move on, don't leave them running around trying to engage with you if you're over the friendships.

•I am early forties and have noticed a couple of friends have become tedious•

This. Said friends have really lost their spark and I find their company quite hard work now, which is a shame as they are still essentially nice people, just boring. And very longwinded.

I think friends as you get older can get a bit more fickle because there are often lots of competing things going on for their attention and time , kids, older parents, partners plus money situations etc. it's not them, it's not you - it's life!

What dramas? No one I know has dramas.

I have several female friends, and they don't do drama any more than I do. I also have several male friends of whom the same is true. I suppose I just don't make friends with drama-inclined people, and they probably wouldn't want to be friends with me.

The thing that really makes me want to run a mile is "friendship groups". I've never had a "friendship group" - just a very nice collection of friends who may or may not encounter one another at some point, but mostly don't.

i’m in my forties. I don’t have female friends that do drama, I have wonderful women who are fun, and clever and supportive and kind. I’m feeling quite blessed at the minute because of how wonderful they are, I can’t imagine my life without them.

i think you just need to find the right women, or people, rather than tar women with a weird internalised misogyny.

I'll be honest, as I get older (almost 60) I find female friendship easier. I've had some terrific support from women of all ages at work, and I have some female friends I'm really close to and can rely on.

I did not have this at school, at uni or when the kids were small. I find that as we get older, and have more life experience, the drama and the self absorption fades away and people make more effort and are kinder.

So, no. I don't recognise your experience.

I have the opposite experience and have found my female friendships more valuable to me and also more rewarding as I get older.

I’m mid forties and find almost everyone bores on now. I don’t know if the change is with them or me.

l much prefer my own company at this current stage of my life and have stepped away from friendships that l'm no longer getting anything out of, just because they are familiar. l am a great believer that most people come into your life for a season and thats ok with me.

This

I tend to avoid women who don’t have female friends but that’s just me being full of drama

I find my friendships less joyful but that's because perimenopause has made me into a bit of a joyless grump. My female friends remain as wonderful as they've ever been. But I find it harder to take pleasure from them...but its me not them. Maybe this is a factor for you OP.?

I'm the opposite, at school, and to a lesser extent, uni, I would always have said I found it easier to make friends with boys/men. Because I didn't really fit gender norms and liked traditionally 'male' things and had no interest in the stuff the girls around me seemed interested in. I really don't think it was internalised misogyny- i did have 1 or 2 close female friends who were also a bit nin-conformist. As I've got older I've found nearly all my new friendships have been with women - possibly becoming a mother gave me more in common with other mothers, but I also think I've learned to talk the language of women and women in their 30s and 40s are more forgiving of other women who don't do girly.

My MIL says this. She's just moved into a retirement apartment home. She's finding her feet with the other residents. She says she just enjoys the conversations with the men much better than the women. She says they just have more interesting things to say - or maybe they just talk about what she's interested in.

I'm in a couple of all male groups - a work team and a hobby group (which gets organised on a WhatsApp). They are very matter of fact, but i do watch out for the power moves, one upmanship and pecking order- much more so than female groups, I think.

i have very few friends left now OP. I’m in my sixties and over time we have moved away or grown apart. I have very little interest in making new friends. I have friends from school or my younger days (both male and female) who know me inside out. We know each other’s history and can sit comfortably in silence at times. I now cannot be bothered with the small talk it takes to really get to know someone new unless they are particularly interesting. Definitely an age thing for me I think.

You’ll find it hard to make female friends whilst you’re dripping in misogyny, yes.

I laughed at your view that men are all ‘black and white’.

As a woman, I'm more than happy not to be friends with you.

HTH

Once again very harsh views from a very small snapshot of someone's life

OP it IS difficult making friends as you get older, and yes, women can be full of drama (you've clearly experienced that) but not all women, I think finding common ground, and the 'click' like dating helps.

To those of you who have the most wonderful friends, yet make harsh comments to the OP, I wonder if your friends think you're wonderful

Nothing at all ‘harsh’ in calling out internalised misogyny of which someone seems blissfully unaware.

And my friends would be the first to see that. There’s a deeply odd view among a minority of Mumsnetters — not coincidentally often those who struggle with friendships — that a friend is by definition someone inoffensive, who bustles round other people, never disagreeing, replying to texts instantaneously etc. It’s not something I recognise.

I do think (and a couple of my close female friends have confirmed this), as you get towards 50, your bullshit/tolerance levels get lower, so anyone who's not interesting/pisses you off, you'll tend to end that friendship as it's just not working. Maybe when I was younger, I put up with more shit in friendships.

I don't really do male friendships anymore as the two close ones I did have, one I ended up dating (ended badly) and the other also confessed that he fancied me but he was into game playing so...

Female friends I do have, I enjoy their company, support and with an ex NDN she was great fun and just wanted to get away from her 3 DC and so did another mum friend of hers to have some fun (usually cinema/drink/meal out). Such a shame she's now moved abroad and probably won't be returning!