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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Keeping secrets about other women in the relationship- opinions?

31 replies

Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 11:52

I posted here a couple of weeks back. Mr partner had falsely accused me out of the blue of lying over something that was bizarre and didn’t make any sense, questioning me repeatedly over something I posted to a charity group I was on about a relatives death, when I fully explained to him I would be sharing it, and didn’t understand the drama surrounding it. It’s not the first time. He has accused me of various behaviours that are completely false and not who I am at all. I have tolerated it without apologies to a long time. I do not question him. After this incident he broke up with me, and left me reeling, after things had been so good between us. I felt suspicious as one thing I’ve had to deal with in the relationship is incessant talk about the attractiveness of other women and his “struggles” giving him fantasies to keep him content and generally just wishing he would have enough maturity to put the relationship first. Anyway, the other day I said to him that I’ve been nothing but upfront with him since day one of this relationship, having nothing to ever hide from him, and nothing I wouldn’t share with him, that his accusations baffle me. I then proceeded to do what I’ve never done in the relationship. I questioned him about secret keeping and inconsistent stories he has told over the last couple of years. He had told me in the past that if a woman tried it on with him he would tell her that he would love to sleep with her but wouldn’t- because of making the right choice, nothing to do with me, but with his beliefs. He told me that’s not happened since we got together. Anyway through questioning turns out it happened with 3 different women in the last year alone, with one asking him to come back to hers “for some fun” and another following him around to every charity event until apparently she got the hint and rarely goes now. So apparently he sees these three women “rarely” and sees no problem with having told them he fancies them also, and no problem with not sharing that stuff with me. This is coming from a man who said he would “struggle in tempting situations with sexy women” - surely he opens the door further by reciprocating and keeping it a secret. I want opinions on all of this please, whatever your thoughts are on this. Currently he’s giving me the silent treatment as I said his breaking up with me over his own false allegations has nothing on the fact I would never marry a man who engages with women this way. I don’t really see any way forward now as he doesn’t seem to care at all about my perspective on this. And by the way, all of this is coming from a man who has in times past accused me of fancying someone I saw once on a zoom (lie) and bought it up repeatedly for a good year after, and said I stand too close to people and that titillates men. I seriously am on of these individuals that feel sexual attraction when emotion is involved and have had eyes only for him the last two years and I don’t hug men, flirt etc. I imagine this is projection. Please give thoughts

OP posts:
Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 11:53

Sorry for typos I didn’t check it before posting

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 16/07/2022 12:02

My thoughts …

You are in an abusive relationship, with a man who doesn’t respect you, or love you.

You can choose to invest another 5 or 10 years in this, but he won’t change, or nor will the relationship.

His views about women are archaic, and his language similarly so

Why are you worried about the feelings of someone, who clearly does not care about yours ?

He’s seemingly irresistible to other women, so let him jog on, and enjoy their company.

Stop wasting time, energy and emotion on a narcissist.. he’ll always believe he is right and you are wrong.

And don’t use “but I love him” as a reason to stay … learn to love yourself more

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 16/07/2022 12:04

Stop wasting your time analysing this twat, what’s the point? He talks incessantly about other women and accuses you of lying when you haven’t? Bin him off.

Pkwio · 16/07/2022 12:14

My thoughts - he's an abusive dick and you are better off without him.

Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 12:19

Yes he is a dick head. He had many redeeming qualities but a real nasty streak that I will not miss. Yes I do love him, deeply, enough to ignore and attempt to work through various issues. His pattern of discarding and devaluing my character has become too much for me. My heart is starting to harden.

I have had a lot of moments of confusion over the years, now I’m starting to get real. Especially as his latest attack and the argument and break up that ensued came at a time when the relationship could not have been better.

I want to know what others think about this kind of secret keeping in a relationship, am I being distrusting and controlling (as he has said) to finally question all of this and say I wouldn’t t want to be with someone that doesn’t mention this stuff to me. That after all his paranoia, all I’m seeing is projections of his own behaviour and view?

would others consider this kind of secret keeping to be acceptable in their relationship?

OP posts:
MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 16/07/2022 12:24

You know it’s not acceptable. Stop listening to him and his opinions of you and get rid of him. He is not worth the time you have spent writing these posts. He doesn’t deserve your love or your time.

Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 12:27

Thanks, my head is a mess

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 16/07/2022 12:30

@Supercalafragalisti

Please stop wasting your energy in trying to work out the "why" around this absolute turnip, and work out, instead, why YOU put up with him. You may love him, but that's really not enough to put up with this constant chipping away at you - not for now nor the future.

Value yourself more, OP - you are worth more than this. 🌹

PetalParty · 16/07/2022 12:33

The more important consideration is that he has one standard for himself and another for you. This shows there may be a propensity for that attitude to spill out into many other areas of life.

Have you already noticed this double standard in other areas? How do you feel about that,

It is perfectly okay for you to remove yourself from a situation you find unacceptable. Others’ agreement is not paramount, it is your personal well-being that is paramount.

SpilltheTea · 16/07/2022 12:50

There's no point wasting your time trying to understand his behaviours. He's a piece of shit, put him in the bin. You know you're not in the wrong. Why are you keeping him around?

Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 12:50

Yes I’ve seen this double standard repeatedly, it’s a real head mess. On the other hand we were on the same page about the majority of other things, and had a very natural bond, I’ve never loved someone the way I love him, neither have I felt that sense of belonging. It’s very difficult to feel so messed around with this way

OP posts:
Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 15:18

He also leaves me for a couple of months and then he’s back. This will be the last time I can only hope. I’m gutted.

OP posts:
ticktickticktickBOOM · 16/07/2022 15:27

You don't have to 'hope' it's the last time, make it so. I've done the to and fro a few times with a similar man over the last 3 years. A few weeks ago I was given the silent treatment for 2 days purely because I was asleep at 11pm one night when he rang. Just like with you - things had been going really well for months. That was it for me. My love pretty much dissolved away over those two days. I now focussing on me, my son, my friends, my life. I feel free at last.

User1406 · 16/07/2022 16:12

Don't bother trying to analyse his behaviour, it's there in black and white. He is insecure, abusive, and manipulative. The false allegations are bad enough, but to tell woman that he would like to sleep with them.... just run. You deserve better. It will only hurt more in the long run.

oobeedoobee · 16/07/2022 16:24

What the hell are you 'hoping' for exactly ?

That he'll suddenly change his behaviour and respect you ?
That he'll actually care about your feelings ?
That he'll drop the blatent 'double standard' ?
That he'll stop threatening you with finding 'sexy women irrisistable' ?
That he'll stop using that threat to blackmail you into sexual 'fantasy' roles?
That he'll stop cutting you off for no reason ?
That he'll turn into a 'nice' guy ?

I'm sorry OP, but all the 'shared ideas' in the world couldn't make him dateable when he does all THAT crap !

Looking at this objectively, he's a grade 1 prick. He's a loser who's got you 'dangling' like a bloody fish with all his incessant questioning, thinly veiled threats about cheating if you don't keep him 'happy' sexually and his propensity for dropping you like a brick whenever the notion strikes him !

You really need to seriously raise your bar and get some self respect.

Plainascanbe123 · 16/07/2022 16:38

Why is he telling you so much about other women coming onto him, it's not necessary to tell you this, (if it even happens in the first place) cos this will make anyone feel insecure. Unless that's his intention. I think he makes up all these arguments to leave you and make you upset. And how do you know he's not being unfaithful to you and then coming back to you. His cycle of repeated negative behaviour towards you is hurtful. How can he repeatedly keep hurting your feelings. And why does he keep accusing you of things, what's all that about? I think the other posters on here are so right when they say don't waste your energy on him, don't even try to figure him out. We already can tell that his behaviour is totally unhealthy and he's grinding you down mentally. He probably projects his feelings onto you much more than you realise. Being with someone shouldn't be such hard work. The moment people start making up stupid mind games or secret rules in relationships you know you're not dealing with your average healthy person. Google 'narcissist' and see if he fits the description. I say that because you said he's using the 'silent treatment'. Now that he's dumped you again, never go back to him because he's shown that he just wants to get a kick out of repeatedly hurting your feelings.

Plainascanbe123 · 16/07/2022 16:44

Narcissists always live by double standards.

The advice you've been given by the other posters on here is spot on.

SkeletonFight · 16/07/2022 16:55

@Supercalafragalisti life should not be a trial like this. Don't let someone else turn you into this person questioning yourself. He doesn't respect you. Time for you to give him his marching orders.

YankeeDad · 16/07/2022 17:38

He sounds like a total dick. A charming dick at times, but still a dick who will give you misery if you let him.

You would best be rid of him, and not let him back even when he tries, which he surely will when he wants validation or sex.

Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 18:52

Yes the fight starting out of nowhere when things are amazing is just crazy. He questioned me over the message I sent to my WhatsApp charity group as my nan lay in the hospital dying, they were just waiting for her to die. He accused me of wanting their sympathy….I had to let them know I wouldn’t be able to attend a couple of upcoming events….I’m quite a private person, the thing is I can’t get over that everything is always about him. He said someone had told him I even sent voice messages. I sent one text with the details and two voice messages with details of the events (that I organise) to hand over to the others. He was basically mocking me saying I need people and that he thought it was just him I was sharing my emotions with. It was. So he called me a lying manipulative b when I answered his questions and told me it’s a problem I have… honesty is really important to me, lying is abhorrent to me, I’ve never hidden anything from him or had any reason to. I did lose my temper with him as it was such a sensitive time and I said some horrible things, and then he broke up with me and for three weeks has just devalued my character until now when we haven’t spoken for the last few days after my questions for him about other women.

Its a painful struggle for someone to take what was going so well for months and months and bring it to this. I didn’t react perfectly to him by any means. I told him he was a piece of shit for doing his usual when my nan was unwell. He said I have a nasty side that he can’t tolerate and that he has seen it before (about 1.5 years ago) thing is he is often questioning and being verbally abusive with it while I am patient generally.

OP posts:
Spohn · 16/07/2022 19:03

Can you not think of even one activity that would be more enjoyable than sitting analysing your shitty boyfriend?

You get one life.

Areil · 16/07/2022 19:04

Seriously don’t waste your time trying to work it out. You will never be able to. Just get rid of him.

Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 20:04

Yeah…I can’t tell you how destroyed I felt the first couple of sudden break ups. I know the pattern now. He won’t be back for a couple of months while leaving me feeling I did something unforgivable. It’s sad though because I was single for about 6 years and didn’t give any man the time of day and felt true very real connection with him and we were friends for a few years before dating, I felt I knew him…felt very strongly for him. I’m just gutted but obviously starting to face the reality of all of this now. It’s different to the other times, but I’m still not strong with it. The last conversation we had, he said it’s such a shame you did this, because I would have loved to marry you….did what??
I said, yeah I really wanted to marry you also, but I really don’t anymore, your behaviour is unexplainable to me, you don’t seem to have a conscience and I don’t think I could live with your sudden unprovoked attacks with no apologies and your secret conversations with women. Yeah it’s really sad.
haven’t heard from him or text him since.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 16/07/2022 20:15

Block him.

Newestname002 · 16/07/2022 20:24

@Supercalafragalisti

He accused me of wanting their sympathy…

And what is wrong with that? It's a perfectly human need when something sad or traumatic is going on in your life.

He won’t be back for a couple of months while leaving me feeling I did something unforgivable.

Please break the pattern. Don't leave the door to the rest of your life open for him to walk back in and abuse you when he feels he wants to. Block him and delete him out of your life. If you want to, write first and tell him "this no longer works for me, I don't want any relationship with you from this point on". Then block and delete.

haven’t heard from him or text him since.
He's following a previous pattern.

The next step is yours. Don't wait for him, anxiously wringing your hands and half hoping he'll come back. Nobody needs this sort of toxic behaviour in their lives.

I wish you strength and calm, OP. 🌹