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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Keeping secrets about other women in the relationship- opinions?

31 replies

Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 11:52

I posted here a couple of weeks back. Mr partner had falsely accused me out of the blue of lying over something that was bizarre and didn’t make any sense, questioning me repeatedly over something I posted to a charity group I was on about a relatives death, when I fully explained to him I would be sharing it, and didn’t understand the drama surrounding it. It’s not the first time. He has accused me of various behaviours that are completely false and not who I am at all. I have tolerated it without apologies to a long time. I do not question him. After this incident he broke up with me, and left me reeling, after things had been so good between us. I felt suspicious as one thing I’ve had to deal with in the relationship is incessant talk about the attractiveness of other women and his “struggles” giving him fantasies to keep him content and generally just wishing he would have enough maturity to put the relationship first. Anyway, the other day I said to him that I’ve been nothing but upfront with him since day one of this relationship, having nothing to ever hide from him, and nothing I wouldn’t share with him, that his accusations baffle me. I then proceeded to do what I’ve never done in the relationship. I questioned him about secret keeping and inconsistent stories he has told over the last couple of years. He had told me in the past that if a woman tried it on with him he would tell her that he would love to sleep with her but wouldn’t- because of making the right choice, nothing to do with me, but with his beliefs. He told me that’s not happened since we got together. Anyway through questioning turns out it happened with 3 different women in the last year alone, with one asking him to come back to hers “for some fun” and another following him around to every charity event until apparently she got the hint and rarely goes now. So apparently he sees these three women “rarely” and sees no problem with having told them he fancies them also, and no problem with not sharing that stuff with me. This is coming from a man who said he would “struggle in tempting situations with sexy women” - surely he opens the door further by reciprocating and keeping it a secret. I want opinions on all of this please, whatever your thoughts are on this. Currently he’s giving me the silent treatment as I said his breaking up with me over his own false allegations has nothing on the fact I would never marry a man who engages with women this way. I don’t really see any way forward now as he doesn’t seem to care at all about my perspective on this. And by the way, all of this is coming from a man who has in times past accused me of fancying someone I saw once on a zoom (lie) and bought it up repeatedly for a good year after, and said I stand too close to people and that titillates men. I seriously am on of these individuals that feel sexual attraction when emotion is involved and have had eyes only for him the last two years and I don’t hug men, flirt etc. I imagine this is projection. Please give thoughts

OP posts:
Jimbo82 · 16/07/2022 20:35

Not that it makes any difference because however you look at it, the guy is acting very weird.

But from a male perspective, I think he is saying these things to you to try and make himself feel as if he is a catch and he could have another woman if he wanted one.

I think he sounds like a deeply insecure person who is trying to deflect his own insecurities onto you and blame you for his own issues.

It sounds like this is a regular occurrence and you have exhausted all avenues with this relationship.... My advice would be not to take him back unless you see a difference after this break up and genuinely believe that he is willing to own up to his own awful behaviour and work on his issues.

Whatever you decide. Good luck

1000chairs · 16/07/2022 20:41

He's a knob. Just block him OP. Life is too short for men like this with so little respect for their partners. Just tell bye bye, free to chat up who he wants, you would prefer an authentic relationship of which he isn't able to offer.

Good luck.

birdsinthegarden · 16/07/2022 21:22

I feel like you're possibly waiting for him to come back again in the next few months, as you know that's what he always does? Why don't you do something completely radical and spend the next few months working on you?! Get counselling and figure out why you keep letting him back into your space? Get a hobby, do something that'll really fill you with confidence, build up your inner strength and become the best version of you. Project you!

And then when the narcissistic toe rag comes back (they always do), you'll just laugh in his face. You deserve so much more!

Supercalafragalisti · 16/07/2022 21:37

Thanks, my life is pretty full. I run a charity and also own my own business. I’m a single mother. I’m super busy. I’ve been independent for years and after a very abusive relationship for most of my life spent 6 years totally alone. Yes I love him very much, but I’m very hurt now. I see through this game he is playing, and if it’s not a game and just deep insecurity I see him as too damaged for me to help. I’m a very loyal person and never given him reason to think I’m not either. I’ve only had a couple of relationships in my life and never had casual encounters etc, I’m tired of wanting something authentic with him and being treated like a fool. Of course I am attached to him and need to find ways to break that attachment and I know that

OP posts:
Plainascanbe123 · 18/07/2022 18:58

You might find it interesting to watch this video and other by Dr Carter and similar well meaning people who want to save us alot of emotional pain. As others have said you should just block him. He's actually doing you a big favour by ending it with you because if you think he's causing you heartache now, once you get back with him (and he will try to win you back, but it will all be false) He will punish you further and make you pay for standing up to him. For anyone else in similar circumstances watch the video and see if your partner displays similar characteristics. They not going to change so save yourself the heartache and find someone who loves you for yourself.

TabithaTittlemouse · 18/07/2022 19:03

Do you really believe that women are throwing themselves at him.

Nothing about him is likeable.

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