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Original poster

Friendship problem - 2’s company, 3’s a crowd??

31 replies

Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 11:16

I have 2 best friends I will call them Susan and Barbara (not their real names).
i have known Susan for about 24 years, clicked straight away, Barbara I’ve know about 20 years but didn’t become close until about 10 years ago.
we all met through work. None of us work together now, and we are all in different fields of work.

All 3 of us hang out together, whenever one of them was invited somewhere where it was a plus one, Susan and Barbara would always invite each other as they were single, I wasn’t and that was absolutely fine. There wasn’t a lot of times where they went just the 2 of them.

Last year, I split up with my husband, my teenager was self harming, my 2 friends were there for me, however, I started to notice they would do more things together just the 2 of them, and I wasn’t invited as much.
It was things like meeting up for a drink, going for walks, going away for the weekend, I was never invited but I was always invited when I was with my ex.
I’ve also noticed I’m not included in quite a lot of conversations now, so whenever we do meet up, they are talking about things that I know nothing about.
There has been a couple of times where we have been going out, and usually we always meet up at Susan’s house for pre-drinks, but last time we were going out I wasn’t invited to the pre drinks, I was meeting them at the venue.

They had a weekend away, it was all kept hush hush until at my birthday dinner, they mentioned to another friend and I was like “oh what’s this” and Susan was like oh Barbara and I are going away for a 4 day holiday. It was never mentioned to me.

We have another group of girls we hang out with who are related to Susan, and I’m starting to think I’m only getting invited to things when they are coming along, for example there is a weekend away in September, I’m invited to that, and also a weekend away next year where us 3 and these other girls are invited.

When I split up from my ex, they told me I had so much to look forward to, we would all be making so much plans, but it actually hasn’t happened, they have done way more stuff without me.

My teenager started to self harm again this year and I was so worried but I honestly felt I didn’t get very much support from them. They hardly called, and I was so disappointed particularly with Susan who has been my friend for so long.

I’ve been thinking about things incase it’s me that’s being over sensitive but I honestly don’t think it is. I also don’t want to go away for the weekend with them in September because of how I am feeling but feel rotten if I don’t pay the balance, as it means everyone else will have to pay more, and I know Susan will struggle to get the extra money.

I don’t know how to broach this with them, as I know 100% the 2 of them will talk behind my back, they will say they don’t need to invite me everywhere and this is true, BUT if I arrange something I always arrange if for the 3 of us to be there, if Barbara can’t make it, Susan always suggests to rearrange for a time when we can all make it, but if I can’t make something they still go ahead with their plans.
The reason I know they will say stuff behind my back is because there used to be another girl in our group who started saying no to nights out because of family commitments with clubs, groups etc, and they would say not very nice things, and I would always call them out on it, to which they would say “oh your being very diplomatic”. I also don’t want to feel they start inviting me to things just because I’ve said to them, and they feel they need to invite me.

Today, Susan is having a family celebration and Barbara is invited and I’m not. As far as I’m aware, Barbara has never been invited to this before, if she has, it’s been kept very quiet.

one part of me feels I’m being childish and to just suck it up and go whenever I’m invited, but another part of me feels these are my oldest friends (particularly Susan), we have been through so much together, and I’m feeling really left out.
After my breakup last year, this feels like such a loss, and I’m back to feeling I’m not good enough.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Scorpio8 · 16/07/2022 11:54

Is it possible they reunited because of what they see you going through. Just maybe they were worried about you but just ended up being close friends. Maybe the feel you changed since splitting from ex and you been going through a lot.

Maybe do an evening for you 3 and try having drink and laugh with them. Maybe go out with Susan or Barbara separately.

I wouldn't let this get to you or they will say your jealous etc. If there is something going on don't rise to it. Let them talk.

Original poster
Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 12:04

Thank you, sorry if I wasn’t clear in my post, it’s not that they weren’t close before I split with my ex, the 3 of us were close and have been for the past 10 years, but Susan and I have been close for more than 20.

I have arranged a night for the 3 of us and we had a brilliant laugh, but I understand what you are saying about not rising to it. I just feel like a spare wheel when we are all out together now, and it really hurts.

OP posts:
Scorpio8 · 16/07/2022 12:54

Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 12:04

Thank you, sorry if I wasn’t clear in my post, it’s not that they weren’t close before I split with my ex, the 3 of us were close and have been for the past 10 years, but Susan and I have been close for more than 20.

I have arranged a night for the 3 of us and we had a brilliant laugh, but I understand what you are saying about not rising to it. I just feel like a spare wheel when we are all out together now, and it really hurts.

You do seem very down at the moment. You have been through a lot.

I am not sure if they have partners or single but that might make you feel awkward if your single.

I hope someone can give more advice.

Scorpio8 · 16/07/2022 13:02

If they excluding I would meet them now and again. Maybe get a different friend to go along with you next time.
It does seem rude they drop going away on your birthday dinner.
Maybe they were jealous when you was married and that they felt excluded from your personal issues of life with him. So they just doing the same. If they are it's childish. I really hope not.
Do you think they liked your ex?
When they didn't invite you for pre-drinks what did you say?

Iwantachange · 16/07/2022 13:03

I think you need to have one on one time with them to reconnect. They are obviously closer to each other after years of doing stuff just the two of them. I think they got used to it over the years and now they are comfortable with how it is and don't want to change it.

While you consider them your two best friends I don't think the feeling is mutual. They see each other as best friends and you just as a good friend.

Mary46 · 16/07/2022 13:11

3 is tricky. One is left out. Not sure op have they more in common. Not nice though. I have learnt the hard way have a few friends

Original poster
Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 16:30

Scorpio8 they are single too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 16:33

But that’s the thing Iwantachange Susan and I were always closer, it’s just been since I split up from my ex that Susan and Barbara have excluded me.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 16/07/2022 16:35

Last year, I split up with my husband, my teenager was self harming, my 2 friends were there for me, however, I started to notice they would do more things together just the 2 of them, and I wasn’t invited as much.It was things like meeting up for a drink, going for walks, going away for the weekend, I was never invited but I was always invited when I was with my ex.

Are you saying this problem only started when you broke up with your ex? They used to invite you out every time they went, but stopped doing this as soon as you broke up with him?

billy1966 · 16/07/2022 16:57

I understand this is hard but be strategic and rise above it.

They actually don't sound very nice from how they spoke about your other friend, so they have form.

Start focusing an joining things and making new friends.

Keep up with them for as long as it suits you.

Get busy yourself any way you can.

SparklingPeach · 16/07/2022 17:05

It does sound like they are closer to each other than they are to you these days. I can understand that makes you feel sad, but actually they aren't really doing anything wrong. They're inviting you sometimes, ie they're not excluding you completely, but they're also doing things without you. That does happen - friendships shifting - even if you used to be closer to Susan.

You can ditch them if you want to but it sounds as if you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face? As they are good friends (even if not quite as good as you'd like)?

"They talk behind my back" is quite an emotive way of saying that they message / phone each other directly sometimes, rather than on a group chat. Talking behind your back means gossiping about you IMO, but it doesn't sound like that's what you mean?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2022 17:08

Is it possible that you leaning on them for support became too much for them?

Original poster
Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 17:10

Shinyandnew1 yes it was always the 3 of us unless one of them got an invite for a plus 1 they 2 would go together because they were both single but those times weren’t often. Since I have split up from my husband they have said we will do lots of things, plan lots of things, but that hasn’t happened, I’m not saying there hasn’t been anything planned there has, but they have had lots more time together where I have been excluded, for examples the walks, Susan and I live near each other, Barbara lives further away, and Susan specifically told me she called Barbara and asked if she wanted to meet up for walks, I never got invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 17:12

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2022 17:08

Is it possible that you leaning on them for support became too much for them?

I was aware that I might have been doing that last year so I deliberately started to not lean on them, but that was away last July.

OP posts:
cocogoloco · 16/07/2022 17:16

Are you sure they are not in some kind of a relationship, that's honestly the first thing I thought when you said they close to spend time together etc? Probably jumping to wild conclusions tho...

HollowTalk · 16/07/2022 17:20

It sounds to me as though Barbara can't cope with the fact that you two were better friends and she is on a divide and conquer mission. I do think in these cases the fault is usually with the newer party.

Original poster
Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 17:25

SparklingPeach. I completely agree with you they aren’t doing anything wrong.
If I try to arrange something and one of them can’t make it, the other one will say, “lets wait until we can all go”, so basically I’m the one that’s only ever left out. Susan asked me the other day what I was up to this weekend, I replied nothing (which is true), I asked what she was doing, she said having a barbecue for her twins’ birthday, Barbara is invited but nothing was said to me about it.

when I say talk about me behind my back, I don’t mean they do that now (they might, I don’t know), what I’m meaning is they will do this if I say anything and I know this because of how they were with our other friend.

I’m not sure if I would be cutting my nose off, because of how I feel when I’m with them as they are now talking about things I know nothing about or talk about things they have done together. I feel like a spare wheel when I’m with them now, and I have sat and thought about how things were before I split up from my husband and it has definitely changed since then.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 16/07/2022 17:46

Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 16:33

But that’s the thing Iwantachange Susan and I were always closer, it’s just been since I split up from my ex that Susan and Barbara have excluded me.

Well, you've said it. They're excluding you. I'm sorry but it sounds like they're now 'best friends' and you're not included.

I think they've let you down by not supporting you - so probably, as friends go, they're not particularly 'good' friends (or even real friends at all, anymore).

I think you should take a step back from this pair.

Opaljewel · 16/07/2022 19:26

Life is too short for shitty friends. Even old ones. People change.

Look for a new tribe. You'll be much happier I promise. Friends shouldn't make you feel bad.

alloutofcareunits · 16/07/2022 19:35

@cocogoloco that was my first thought, is there no chance they're a couple now and haven't told anyone yet?

Iwantachange · 16/07/2022 19:57

I think it's possible they were closer to each other before you split with your ex but because you spent time doing couply things with ex you judtd didn't notice it. You just assumed that they invited each other because of being single and u didn't give it another thought. While in reality they invited each other because that was their preference. U only realise it now because u are also single.

I still think you need to get t some one on one with them. Like if u say that u want to have one on one with them what will they say? If they say no or find an excuse then it will be clear that they don't want to spend time alone with you wont it?

Original poster
Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 19:58

They are definitely not a couple in that way.

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 16/07/2022 19:58

It just sounds like they've become closer/ best friends. I don't think they're leaving you out- just making plans together.

Seems daft to throw away 2 friends because they're a bit closer to each other.

Original poster
Mrstillysfudge · 16/07/2022 20:01

Iwantachange · 16/07/2022 19:57

I think it's possible they were closer to each other before you split with your ex but because you spent time doing couply things with ex you judtd didn't notice it. You just assumed that they invited each other because of being single and u didn't give it another thought. While in reality they invited each other because that was their preference. U only realise it now because u are also single.

I still think you need to get t some one on one with them. Like if u say that u want to have one on one with them what will they say? If they say no or find an excuse then it will be clear that they don't want to spend time alone with you wont it?

You might be right but I genuinely don’t think they were closer than I thought, they are both very high social media users, post a lot and always post pictures of their nights out, and tag each other in things, and do a “check in”. This was hardly ever on their social media prior to me splitting with my ex.

OP posts:
FarFarFarAndAway · 16/07/2022 20:06

They are not doing anything wrong, they are obviously very close friends now, and the fact you met one of them years before is a bit irrelevant, they've known each other a long time. I also agree with whoever said that when you were with your ex you may not have noticed them going out so much as you were busy doing couple things, now it is more glaring. Ultimately they do invite you to stuff and prefer the three dynamic- you can't make people be friends with you and you can't really say anything (IMO) without driving them closer together. I would keep in touch with them but look elsewhere for close friends, join Meetup, local groups and so on so you are not dependent on them for activities.

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