Friendship problem - 2’s company, 3’s a crowd??

[Mrstillysfudge]

I have 2 best friends I will call them Susan and Barbara (not their real names).
i have known Susan for about 24 years, clicked straight away, Barbara I’ve know about 20 years but didn’t become close until about 10 years ago.
we all met through work. None of us work together now, and we are all in different fields of work.

All 3 of us hang out together, whenever one of them was invited somewhere where it was a plus one, Susan and Barbara would always invite each other as they were single, I wasn’t and that was absolutely fine. There wasn’t a lot of times where they went just the 2 of them.

Last year, I split up with my husband, my teenager was self harming, my 2 friends were there for me, however, I started to notice they would do more things together just the 2 of them, and I wasn’t invited as much.
It was things like meeting up for a drink, going for walks, going away for the weekend, I was never invited but I was always invited when I was with my ex.
I’ve also noticed I’m not included in quite a lot of conversations now, so whenever we do meet up, they are talking about things that I know nothing about.
There has been a couple of times where we have been going out, and usually we always meet up at Susan’s house for pre-drinks, but last time we were going out I wasn’t invited to the pre drinks, I was meeting them at the venue.

They had a weekend away, it was all kept hush hush until at my birthday dinner, they mentioned to another friend and I was like “oh what’s this” and Susan was like oh Barbara and I are going away for a 4 day holiday. It was never mentioned to me.

We have another group of girls we hang out with who are related to Susan, and I’m starting to think I’m only getting invited to things when they are coming along, for example there is a weekend away in September, I’m invited to that, and also a weekend away next year where us 3 and these other girls are invited.

When I split up from my ex, they told me I had so much to look forward to, we would all be making so much plans, but it actually hasn’t happened, they have done way more stuff without me.

My teenager started to self harm again this year and I was so worried but I honestly felt I didn’t get very much support from them. They hardly called, and I was so disappointed particularly with Susan who has been my friend for so long.

I’ve been thinking about things incase it’s me that’s being over sensitive but I honestly don’t think it is. I also don’t want to go away for the weekend with them in September because of how I am feeling but feel rotten if I don’t pay the balance, as it means everyone else will have to pay more, and I know Susan will struggle to get the extra money.

I don’t know how to broach this with them, as I know 100% the 2 of them will talk behind my back, they will say they don’t need to invite me everywhere and this is true, BUT if I arrange something I always arrange if for the 3 of us to be there, if Barbara can’t make it, Susan always suggests to rearrange for a time when we can all make it, but if I can’t make something they still go ahead with their plans.
The reason I know they will say stuff behind my back is because there used to be another girl in our group who started saying no to nights out because of family commitments with clubs, groups etc, and they would say not very nice things, and I would always call them out on it, to which they would say “oh your being very diplomatic”. I also don’t want to feel they start inviting me to things just because I’ve said to them, and they feel they need to invite me.

Today, Susan is having a family celebration and Barbara is invited and I’m not. As far as I’m aware, Barbara has never been invited to this before, if she has, it’s been kept very quiet.

one part of me feels I’m being childish and to just suck it up and go whenever I’m invited, but another part of me feels these are my oldest friends (particularly Susan), we have been through so much together, and I’m feeling really left out.
After my breakup last year, this feels like such a loss, and I’m back to feeling I’m not good enough.

I don’t know what to do.

You might be right but, and I will think about what your saying, but I honestly 100% feel left out and excluded as I said in one of my posts, if I arrange a night out and one can’t come, they other will say to leave it until we can all go. Susan would never invite me somewhere without Barbara and Barbara would never invite me somewhere without Susan, but they 2 go out and don’t invite me, and it’s not just on one or 2 occasions, it’s been quite a few, and considering Susan and I have been best friends for over 20 years, it really hurts.

Whichever one you're closer to (sounds like Susan), I'd invite her out for 1:1. If she says why not ask Barbara/wait till Barbara is free to, I'd say No I'd like 1:1.
If she still doesn't agree to meet you, then it's a clear message you're only a "secondary" friend to her.

I find this type of thing quite awkward and hurtful and I know my honest response would be to phase them out. But I'm not sure that's the best advice.

I guess, the reality is, for whatever reason they are closer and want you only to attend certain events. So your options are;

1. continue as you are. They are your friends which is valuable and whilst you wish you were closer, at the moment it is what it is. Look to find other friends to rely on too.

2. say something. But this will unlikely improve the situation. It will probably either make it awkward and distance you further, or cause an argument. I can't imagine saying something would make them want you around more, genuinely.

I find friendships quite difficult in general. Because I'm not very good with the ups and downs and I hate not knowing where I stand. And as I get older I find it all just a bit too uncertain for me.

Big hugs, it's not a nice feeling.

I can see what you mean and it must sting but there's no point in bringing this up with them. It's clear from their actions that they prefer each others' company. However that doesn't mean they don't like you. Try to just view it as like in relationships people can just have better chemistry with someone.

Friendships evolve and hard as it is because they were both single whilst you were married they have got close and are now best friends. If it’s too hurtful to be excluded then you need to widen your social circle. Sorry this is happening - unfortunately it does sometimes. Things change

OP I have a similar situation in a 3 and I have the same dilemma as you. Difference for me is that my Susan and Barbara have married 2 men who are close friends and therefore their husbands often arrange things for the couples to do and me and DH aren’t invited.

I swing between phasing them out as it’s too painful to hear about their holidays etc and being philosophical about it and just enjoying the time we do get to spend together as a 3 or a 6. Afraid I don’t have an answer yet but just some solidarity - it’s painful!

in your situation I would ask Susan for a 1:1 meet up, maybe a lunch or a coffee. If she asks about inviting Barbara just say you miss hanging out just the two of you sometimes like the old days and see what she says: should show where you stand - my Susan and Barbara will happily do things just with me or just with me and DH.