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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband, son and after school sport

38 replies

Yaa · 16/07/2022 08:13

So son goes to a sports club once a week and he hates it every week he argues with us to not go and it's a full battle to go.

he been there for over 8 weeks now and he didn't ask we thought he would like to go with his cousin.

this one evening he was particularly not wanting to go and was screaming and crying. My husband forced his clothes on and was yelling for him to go. I got upset and said to his dad 'did your dad force u to go to sports too'

now I'm in the understanding that we shouldn't force just listen to him and say fine don't go if he doesn't want to etc but as long as the alternative is not watching screens.

husband has been in a mood ignoring me and when he does talk he just says 'I don't want to force anything' for days. He won't talk to me about it or anything. He taken kids iPads and Nintendo but said he hasn't and is keeping out the house. At the time I said it he did yell I'm not forcing but encoraging him to keep doing this as he is being lazy and wanting stay at home and watch all time since then he has just ignored me.

i took son in the end with my other two kids as moral support and he does have fun but there are parts like splits he hates.

am I being unreasonable in this and saying this to husband?

i tried reaching out to him but he doesn't wanna talk and ignores messages it's been 2 days now

OP posts:
newbiename · 16/07/2022 08:27

I wouldn't be forcing him to go. How would you like it ?
Kids often try a few different things before they find something they like.
Your husband sounds like a dick. The silent treatment is abuse btw.

StrawberryPot · 16/07/2022 08:29

Dear god. Why on earth are you both making him do something he hates so much?

toomuchlaundry · 16/07/2022 08:31

How old is he? Have you tried other clubs to see if there is something else he is interested in?

Original poster
Yaa · 16/07/2022 08:34

He is 8 years old and has done a few clubs after school he did like but they only last a term due to amount of kids at school.

he does go swimming and has a tendency to try get out of things - doesn't have a genuine desire to do a sport/activity

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 16/07/2022 08:36

Tell him this behaviour is likely to discourage your ds to try new things. He needs to feel secure that when he tries something new, if it doesn't work out or he doesn't like it he can leave and try something new. Your dh is being manipulative with force then silence to get his his own way.

newbiename · 16/07/2022 08:37

Is it mandatory at 8 to have a hobby ? He's got time to find something else.

Quartz2208 · 16/07/2022 08:40

Your husband has taken the kids Ipads and Nintendo out of the house and isnt speaking to you - that is a massive issue!

As for your son he may just not like sports

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/07/2022 08:43

Why are you with such a man who is also abusing you by giving you silent treatment?. This is an example of emotional abuse. It reads like you and your kids are living with a tyrant.

In the meantime I would continue to ignore him so no reaching out to him to chivvy him on. Carry on with your day as normal as possible. The silence here from him is his punishment towards you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.
Is this really the relationship model you want to be showing your kids; that yes this is how men treat women (and children).

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

LizzieBet14 · 16/07/2022 08:49

My DS 14 has just given up athletics after 6 years and me and DH are gutted as we think he's good. I have a feeling that DS kept going for longer than he wanted to so he wouldn't let us down....
For as much as we're disappointed, life really is too short to be miserable. Your son has time to choose a new hobby & enjoy it.

RedToothBrush · 16/07/2022 08:51

The issue here is too much screen time. Address that.

In terms of this sport, if he hates it, don't force it. But have a discussion over what he might like to do instead (there's so many sports or physical activities he could do, even if it's go for a family walk) and he has to choose something.

It sounds like he has a screen addiction so its something you need to discuss with him clearly.

If he has meltdowns over limiting screen time, it will only reinforce why you need to do it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2022 08:58

Hang on - he didn't ask to go, he doesn't want to go, he gets upset at the thought of going, yet you both make him go through this every week and force him?

Now it's got to the point where and 8 year old is having the clothing forcibly put onto his body?

Are you serious? This is disgusting. Your husband is a bully (at best) using physical and emotional abuse to force a child to do something they don't need or want to do . And you should have pulled him from the club after he had given it a try and decided it wasn't for him.

Afterfire · 16/07/2022 08:58

Poor kid. Maybe he just isn’t sporty! I hated anything sports related as a child and it would have been my worst nightmare to be forced into doing some sort of after school thing. I just wanted my own space and to relax after school. Your dh is bang out of order.

Afterfire · 16/07/2022 08:58

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2022 08:58

Hang on - he didn't ask to go, he doesn't want to go, he gets upset at the thought of going, yet you both make him go through this every week and force him?

Now it's got to the point where and 8 year old is having the clothing forcibly put onto his body?

Are you serious? This is disgusting. Your husband is a bully (at best) using physical and emotional abuse to force a child to do something they don't need or want to do . And you should have pulled him from the club after he had given it a try and decided it wasn't for him.

Completely agree.

overitall1 · 16/07/2022 09:04

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2022 08:58

Hang on - he didn't ask to go, he doesn't want to go, he gets upset at the thought of going, yet you both make him go through this every week and force him?

Now it's got to the point where and 8 year old is having the clothing forcibly put onto his body?

Are you serious? This is disgusting. Your husband is a bully (at best) using physical and emotional abuse to force a child to do something they don't need or want to do . And you should have pulled him from the club after he had given it a try and decided it wasn't for him.

Dear god, this! I would probably be called harsh about most things but this is child abuse!! My son went to Army cadets for a few weeks, waited until we'd paid for the uniform then stopped going. Did we make him? No, because that would have made everyone's life a misery. I cannot believe that either of you think this is acceptable!

whiteroseredrose · 16/07/2022 09:07

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2022 08:58

Hang on - he didn't ask to go, he doesn't want to go, he gets upset at the thought of going, yet you both make him go through this every week and force him?

Now it's got to the point where and 8 year old is having the clothing forcibly put onto his body?

Are you serious? This is disgusting. Your husband is a bully (at best) using physical and emotional abuse to force a child to do something they don't need or want to do . And you should have pulled him from the club after he had given it a try and decided it wasn't for him.

Obviously you thought wrong. He didn't beg to go then change his mind, this is all on you and your DH. Give the child a break and stop forcing him.

You also need to have a word with your husband. That is nasty behaviour.

Original poster
Yaa · 16/07/2022 09:07

The issue is I also agree we shouldn't be forcing him to do something he clearly doesn't want too! I have been biting my tongue as I know I would be met with snappyness from oh over not going. I am normally taking dtr to ballet (she loves) so have always told son to tell daddy why he doesn't wanna go and hope he will agree or stop his parents coming to take him.

husband family also take him and his cousin and are of the opinion we need to 'encourage' the children to go to these things as they will get lazy and bored.

it was this particular day I couldn't stop myself from speaking up as he was distraught locking himself in bathroom and crying. But now I get the silent moody treatment for asking if my husband dad ever forced him in a accusing Way. (Maybe not so well handled in front of the kids)

i did take him that day as also was taking his cousin who enjoys going and would have missed out if I didn't take them but took both dtrs with me to cheer him on and he was much calmer and happier going with me when we all went calmly. He did look like he enjoyed himself too

qlso annoyed hubby taken his iPads and is denying it to us all. Son knows it was him and says it's cuz of when he was screaming.

i agree completely screen time should Be more limited he doesn't play all time but probably more than he should so not having iPads is probably a good thing just I have to handle the withdrawal symptoms

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 16/07/2022 09:08

I encourage my children to commit, but there is a level and a line. I also insist they go until I've stopped paying for it. Eg until the end of term.
But I wouldn't force a child or create such a massive fuss. If he doesn't want to do it Just say that's fine, but you have to continue till the end of term as I've already paid up. By that point he will have decided either way if he wants to continue or not.
Tbh I think your main problem is your husband! I would hate to think what life's like when there are more serious situations to stress over!

Original poster
Yaa · 16/07/2022 09:08

he loves playing his own games and making his own collectible cards so he has been good without it just annoys me husband is refusing to admit he took then

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2022 09:10

Why has he taken all the kids devices and removed them from the house? Why is he unilaterally deciding these things? Stuff like this is discussed between us in my house.

Original poster
Yaa · 16/07/2022 09:19

I can only guess that he doesn't trust me to give it to them.

i do have a 8 month old that needs a nap so do give them it for when I put her down or they come into the room to disturb us.

think the other thing is a punishment to him. Also dtr screams a lot so for that for her too!

annoying thing is he is on his phone all time and plays fifa in evening so not the role model

OP posts:
Afterfire · 16/07/2022 09:21

So you’d rather your son get the brunt of your dhs anger / disappointment than you basically? You don’t want your dh to be snappy and stroppy with you so you’re choosing not to say anything. You need to stick up for your child and say no he isn’t going.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2022 09:37

What are you going to do about this?

He sounds controlling and abusive. Not someone I'd want to be with.

KosherDill · 16/07/2022 09:40

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/07/2022 08:58

Hang on - he didn't ask to go, he doesn't want to go, he gets upset at the thought of going, yet you both make him go through this every week and force him?

Now it's got to the point where and 8 year old is having the clothing forcibly put onto his body?

Are you serious? This is disgusting. Your husband is a bully (at best) using physical and emotional abuse to force a child to do something they don't need or want to do . And you should have pulled him from the club after he had given it a try and decided it wasn't for him.

This.

Physically manhandling a screaming child? How appalling!

KosherDill · 16/07/2022 09:43

Yaa · 16/07/2022 09:19

I can only guess that he doesn't trust me to give it to them.

i do have a 8 month old that needs a nap so do give them it for when I put her down or they come into the room to disturb us.

think the other thing is a punishment to him. Also dtr screams a lot so for that for her too!

annoying thing is he is on his phone all time and plays fifa in evening so not the role model

Why are you partnered with and having all these kids with a man you can't rationally discuss child rearing with? That's the real issue.

Jackiewoo · 16/07/2022 12:10

Your partner is a bully. And spiteful. Not all boys want to do sport/active stuff, it doesn't mean they're 'lazy' FFS. I have seen this a lot though, dads who shove their boys at football mostly, when the boy just wants to draw or whatever. I've seen it at schools too - don't worry there's no more choir, there's space on the football team. But not all boys enjoy sport, scouts etc it doesn't mean they deserve punishment! It sounds like your DC is creative and boys like this can be marginalised badly enough. Home should be a haven, the last place a child should be made to feel shit about themselves.

Forcing an 8 year old to do an activity they have zero interest in and dislike is madness anyway, forcing them into clothes for it while they're screaming is abuse. Removing devices to bully a DC into the activity won't make them like the activity. A child might give up fighting the forceful parent and comply for an easy life but that is a terrible thing to do to a child.

I'm all for teaching DC to stick at activities of their own choosing and being involved in some activities can make things easier for teenage boys socially, but activities are supposed to be fun and build a child's confidence, not smash their self-worth to smithereens.

Get your awful partner in check. Ignore what cousins like to do (your child is not his cousins), support your boy and help him develop the things that interest him. Do you want a downtrodden boy who's raised to think his interests are inferior or a happy, confident, well-adjusted teenager?