Please help 😢

[AmyS88]

Hello 👋🏻
My battery died earlier and used partners work phone to send a text. Used an emoji in my message and suddenly noticed his recently/frequently used list… sneakily took a photo while he popped out to get the Chinese this evening. No incriminating messages by the way but should also add he genuinely never uses his work phone to contact me. I don’t think he even has my number stored in there… not sure what to think and don’t want to confront over nothing. I have a tendency to panic and over think things… What do you all think?

Does he use emojis? I imagine if he doesn't then it'll show a random selection of popular ones.

I've checked mine just now and the frequently used ones are in order of the most recent ones I have used.

I know because I use them in my work and the last thing I did was schedule several social media posts. They're a list of my most recent even though it says most frequent (eg.👂 appears in the list even though I don't remember using it other than yesterday)

Chill!

Just checked mine. Absolutely no idea of abou 3/4 of them! 😂

There's not even an aubergine!

I don't find anything those worrying.

This!
That frequently used spot has to always be full. It's not like it will stay empty or only show 1/2 if that's all he uses. There are many reasons for those to be in there and most are totally innocent

However - I think this goes a little deeper within yourself and you have slight trust issues and it's being brought by this, almost like you are using this to tell yourself you are right. Has there been anything to lose trust already in the past?

Quietnightmare, I must have been writing a lot about Christmas trees, carrots and cucumber! lol.

Sounds like a fun weekend 😂

This is in my frequently used 📻 not only have I never used it, I don’t even know what it is.👗🐟🗳 I also have these, don’t know what the blue box is & I e never messaged anyone about fish or frocks!

That’s much more likely if you are taking screenshots from his phone, posting them online, and worrying that a random set of emojis suggests something bad going on.

Try to not do this.

@nancy75 that's a radio 📻 and a vote 🗳

You've been watching the leadership debate haven't you?

I heard Penny on the radio 📻 earlier, she lies like a cheap rug called Boris.

Kemi has a nice dress 👗 on, but jeez what's with the eye rolling?

Dishi Rishi? Ugh. More like fishy 🐟 rishi.

Imagine being faced with this shower of shite when it comes to a vote 🗳

Well your update about him crossing a line with a work colleague changes what I was originally going to say. It still probably means nothing but I would just be on alert as he has form for pushing boundaries/crossing the line in your relationship.

Thanks everyone for your messages and reassurance that I’m probably over reacting.

He has crossed the line at work before, though he claims to this day it was “innocent baner” 🤦🏽‍♀️ Calling this other woman his new girlfriend, telling her he used to play football semi-professionally when he never did, saying I hate him, moaning about spending the weekend decorating that he did it all himself when we BOTH worked on it together, that sort of thing… Even if it was innocent, he spoke badly of me and our lives together pretty flippantly and she lapped it up using “😂🤣” emojis and saying how “when you’re almost 30 and single you need to try your luck anywhere” (hate her). She’s quite a bit younger than me - I’m 34, OH is 40 and she’s very, very pretty. He promised me that he understood and that he was totally out of line. He said he hadn’t realised how bad they sounded until he read them back, he apologised and eventually we moved on. She left the company a few weeks later.

So in my mind, i do have reason to worry. But as I say, with my self-sabotage behaviour and trust issues that have affected me my whole life, it’s difficult to determine what is a genuine gut instinct, or something to worry about, and what is my mental health. That alone worries me though because he used that when he was talking to this other woman, saying my mind is making it worse than it is blah blah. Maybe he’s right, I don’t know.

Anyway, thank you all again for your blunt kindness, it’s what I need when I’m spiralling. And I absolutely will be bringing it up with my therapist. I’m so desperate to feel well. I have OCD and facial/body dysmorphia and sometimes it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle.

Thanks again 🙂

I don't know much about the emoji thing but it's cruel and selfish that he lied about you and spoke badly about you just to get her attention. He was self-serving and thought he could get away with it because you would never find out.

Exactly, and it’s this history of behaviour and the emojis that scare me. It’s not that I think he’s actually doing something, but microcheating? He’s done it before…! Oh, and with lots of emojis by the way.

I’m doing it again, ignore me. I went to go into his phone and look at who the suggestions are for sending a photo etc but stopped myself. He however will know because all his notifications will have cleared 😭 I so wish I wasn’t like this and I honestly would understand if he was talking to someone else. I’m seriously hard work when I’m in an episode, which I obviously am, and he gets the brunt of it because I’m so scared of losing him but my behaviour when I’m scared pushes him away.

Its all such a mess. I stopped my meds recently because they gave me this pain in my head I can’t describe and made me super dizzy. I wasn’t flipping out anymore but I was low and teary all the time and that’s got to be a huge drain on him too. He thinks I’m better off them but we’ll see after he notices I’ve been in his phone.

Im 34 for Christ sake, this isn’t cute or nice for anyone and it’s got to be so hard to stay with me. I should absolutely have my shit together by now and it’s SO frustrating being like I am. I have no friends whereas he is super outgoing. I’m training to be a nurse but I’m bottom of the pile still, where as he’s a company director and a super high flyer and literally everyone loves him. The kind of guy everyone notices when he walks in a room. All my work colleagues went out last night and I wasn’t even invited. He’s constantly on the go making our house amazing and sometimes I struggle getting out of bed in the morning. I genuinely have no idea what he sees in me or why he’s with me. Especially when he clearly has opportunity to be with someone prettier than I am with a better job, real go getter and super popular from what I’ve heard about her. I can’t remember the last time I really laughed, and it must be so draining for someone like him, who sees the funny side to most things.

Ive given him the get out many times in the past but he stays. And I don’t understand why. I’d pack my bags and move out my own mind tomorrow if I could 😢

You don't trust him because he has form for being an arsehole. You'll always be on edge if you stay in this relationship. Why would you keep that stress and worry in your life? He's really not worth it.

Calling this other woman his new girlfriend, telling her he used to play football semi-professionally when he never did, saying I hate him, moaning about spending the weekend decorating that he did it all himself when we BOTH worked on it together, that sort of thing… Even if it was innocent, he spoke badly of me and our lives together pretty flippantly

The emoji thing in your OP isn't the real issue.

You're with someone who lies to you, chats up other women (with lies) and shit talks you to them.

Why on earth do you want to be with this man either now or long term?

You quite rightly don't trust him to be loyal because he's proven to be disloyal.

Your bar should be higher than that.

Your fighting for a prize that isn't worth 'winning'.

*you're fighting

You’re right, I don’t trust him to not overstep the mark when talking to women. I didn’t before the messages I found because of how he was on the phone with some of the women he spoke to. He has a very flirtatious personality.

He saw I’d been in his phone. He was surprisingly ok about it rather than getting angry initially. He asked me if I’d seen anything I wanted to talk about. I mentioned the emojis but he denied using them. As you all said, he mentioned there were emojis in the frequents before he’s even used the phone, but categorically denied using hearts or anything like that.

However, since that conversation he’s asked a further 4 times if there’s anything else. He said he can “tell” there’s something else I’ve found that I’m not talking to him about. I’ve said there isn’t but the last time said “why do you keep asking?? Why do you think I would find something if there’s nothing there to find??!” He got visibly irritated and said “this isn’t me doing this!” And walked off, and is now obviously angry with me.

Not really sure what to think tbh. But I’ve calmed down now and think my compulsions etc are passing for now. Took myself for a walk and did some grounding techniques I’ve been taught in the past and I feel better. The truth always outs itself in the end if there is anything, but you’re right about not being able to carry on like this.

OP, there is a clear lesson about your anxiety in your behaviour. You looked through his messages. You found nothing of note. You then started obsessing about the emoji list. Can you see how your anxiety has driven you to desperately try to find something to be suspicious of and further feed the anxiety?

If you've been with him 7 years and the only slightly suspect thing he's done is flirt with a colleague, you are statistically bucking the odds, I'd say.

You need to stop looking. You either trust him, or you don't. You have to stop feeding your irrational anxiety. Every time you check up on him, you're reinforcing the anxiety and normalising your behaviour. Plus, if he finds out that you're repeatedly invading his privacy, you are eventually going to sabotage this relationship.

If you want out, end it. Don't sit there saying "I'm a total mess and you should break up with me" - that's really unfair and very manipulative.

You are 100% correct and when I’m thinking rationally and logically I know all this about myself. I know I’m being unfair and manipulative, and I know he doesn’t deserve it.

Ive said to him lots of times when I’m out of an episode that this is my problem - My own levels of self worth and hatred are things I have to work on, and that I know I can’t let it bleed into being suspicious of him, when all it is is that I feel shit about myself. Please believe though that I’m really trying. I’ve been in and out of therapy my whole life and I’ve called the out of hours team today. I don’t want to be like this. But you’re right, I will sabotage this relationship being the way I am. Honestly I think that’s what this whole dark side of me wants - for me to be on my own.

My mind tells me I’m not worthy of love, of being a mother or having friends and it is something I battle against every day. I’ve even relentlessly hunted for a “diagnosis” so I can get proper therapy. But the waiting lists are so long and you only ever get 6 weeks at a time; which quite often isn’t enough. The only diagnosis I have is OCD. Obsessions being around my face/body/partner/health/daughter and compulsions being the need to “check” that everything is okay and that I’m not unwell/being abandoned/that my daughter is ok/that he’s not cheating or leaving me.

i know it’s no excuse for being the way I am and obsessing about what he is or isn’t doing, I’m just saying I know what my problems are and I’m trying to fix them. If I was like this but not looking for help I think that would be worse in a way.

I just love him so much and the thought of losing him and my little girl breaks me; but also sends me insane. Then I panic over stupid minor things and put everything at risk because my fear of the unknown and the desperate need to be 100% sure about everything takes over. I want so much to be well, to have friends and feel secure and safe.

Anyway, thank you all again for this thread. He isn’t perfect, but he equally doesn’t deserve to be scrutinised all the time.

I'm surprised by the replies. It all sounds fishy to me. All my frequent list emojis are ones I've used & to ask if you've seen anything you want to talk about? Why would he ask that if not guilty? Trust your gut op. Sounds like you are being gaslit.