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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I'm being kept a secret

41 replies

mumontherun24 · 15/07/2022 18:46

Seeing a guy for 7 months seems very consistent, kind lots of affection, attraction and I'm generally happy. He lives more than an hour from me and regularly makes the trip to see me which is good. Something has been eating away at me slowly and I'm fed up with it now to the point where I'm not taking his calls.
I know social media is not everyone's cup of tea I can take it or leave it, we are both on social media he's online a good bit , I post the odd picture tag friends etc, I notice he will never comment on my status, fine, I asked him about changing my relationship status and tag each other as together or posting a pic of us together (just wanted to see his reaction) he says no, social media is bullshit I don't want everyone knowing my business, which I found a bit odd

Anyway I've opened my home to him, come in for coffee etc he's met my kids my friends, he on the other hand has never indicated that he wants any of his family to meet me. I'm starting to notice when he's spending time with his family he never contacts me, only contacts me when he's away from them, I'm starting to wonder and it's getting me down, he's great in all other ways but I feel like I'm a secret, and I'm sad because I know if this is the case I'm going to have to break up with him as I feel he should be shouting from the rooftops that we are together instead of the opposite, he never really talks about the future, I feel he's seeing me as a bit of a "ok for now girl"

Lately he has family over from abroad to stay with him and the only thing or time I'm being offered together is a coffee at my house. When he's finishing work. (I'm guessing this is because his family think he's still working and won't know he's with me) the only time he is offering me is on his way home from work for a coffee, I'm not happy with that I need more, he Says it's hard for him to give time to work family and me.
No dates at weekends or anything, it's like he has to be home by a certain time or he doesn't want his family to know where he is, this behaviour only really started when his family came to stay, he lives with siblings also.

Just for back ground he was the one who did all the pursuing, said he loved me, wants a relationship with me, exclusive etc. What are you guys opinions please

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2022 18:51

He's married.

Unless he is from a culture where its frowned upon to date outwith it? But if that's the case, hehs a dickhead and a pussy.

Annoyedwithmyself · 15/07/2022 18:55

Is he from a culture where dating isn't accepted and bf/gf s are only introduced if engagement is on the cards? And does he live with family so you can't go to his?

I am very close friends with a wonderful man who is from such a background. We met OLD. I have no doubt his intentions were genuine, certainly not married or similar but I wasn't prepared to live as a 'secret' who was totally compartmentalised from his home, family and friends (other than a few Western work friends) so the romantic relationship did not last.

He was open with me about this but it was just a culture clash too far.

You mention your chap having family from abroad so I wondered if he could be from a similar culture. If so, you need to have a frank discussion about how you compromise and move forward. If nothing else, he needs to let you know if he sees a future and carve out proper time for you, not pretend you don't exist. If he can't do this, I fear you're on a hiding to nothing.

jellymaker · 15/07/2022 18:58

He's marrried

ImpartialMongoose · 15/07/2022 19:00

He may have got burnt before by announcing a relationship and getting dumped soon after. Perhaps he is making sure this one is for keeps.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/07/2022 19:00

I fear too that you are on a hiding to nothing with this man. You’re being kept away from his family perhaps because they do not want their son to date or even marry outside their culture. You’re being kept a secret because you are.

Do not settle for such crumbs from him. Raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward. How early as well did you introduce him to your children, in hindsight that was not a good idea at all.

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2022 19:01

I'd go up to his house, knock on his door and be like 'hello, I'm shauns girlfriend, thought I'd pop round to meet you all'. Whilst he is still at work.
Cause 100 quid says he is a bullshit merchant.

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 19:02

I'd be really surpised if he wasn't married

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 19:03

And if he's not married, whatever the reason, you're onto a loser with this one. Chuck him back.

AsanteSana · 15/07/2022 19:03

Screams 'married' to me too, or already in a relationship. Dump and move on!

EmmaGrundyForPM · 15/07/2022 19:03

Almost certainly married/ in a LTR.

UserError012345 · 15/07/2022 19:05

How old are kids ? FGS don't introduce him this early on. Especially not after what you've mentioned.

Buythebag40 · 15/07/2022 19:06

Does he come after work for a coffee, or for a "coffee"?

If it's a "coffee" I would say he's at the very least just after a booty call and at most yes, he's married.

Afrodizzyak · 15/07/2022 19:12

He most probably has a partner and you are his secret bit on the side.

Original poster
Mumontherun24 · 15/07/2022 19:17

Hi everyone thanks the replies I don't know yet how to reply individually so just to reply to a few things

I really don't think he is married when he's not with me he's constantly on the phone to me when he's at home, bed time etc, but since his parents and sister have come to stay his communication has dropped of and he seems to be under a time limit with me to "spend time with them" I'm trying to be understanding as he hasn't seen them in a few years despite daily video calls with them before they came but I feel totally dumped by him because they are around

When I say he's met my kids they have seen him in my back garden in my kitchen having coffee and chat with me I introduced him as my friend they exchanged friendly hellos that was it. I've just come out of an emotionally abusive marriage last year and it's the first time my kids ever saw me around another man other than their father . He was so positive about me I felt It was no harm for my kids to see him, perhaps very naieve of me I hope I don't regret it

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumontherun24 · 15/07/2022 19:21

Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2022 19:01

I'd go up to his house, knock on his door and be like 'hello, I'm shauns girlfriend, thought I'd pop round to meet you all'. Whilst he is still at work.
Cause 100 quid says he is a bullshit merchant.

This is brilliant 😁 perhaps I need to doing something like this instead of being such a walkover and making it all so easy for him

OP posts:
Fupa · 15/07/2022 19:21

Married.

GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 19:22

He is hiding you, it feels weird because it IS weird. Listen to your gut. Does the reason matter in terms of the validity of this relationship moving forward? Well done for getting yourself and the kids away from your abusive marriage, you are still really early days a year on, give yourself time to get back to "normal" and make sure you're not sucked into another situation.

Sunnytwobridges · 15/07/2022 19:24

I dated someone like this... he had a live in partner.

Original poster
Mumontherun24 · 15/07/2022 19:25

Buythebag40 · 15/07/2022 19:06

Does he come after work for a coffee, or for a "coffee"?

If it's a "coffee" I would say he's at the very least just after a booty call and at most yes, he's married.

Most times the kids are around and he knows that before he arrives so he's happy with just a "coffee" that's the thing, he seems to be happy with this, I need more than that how is that a relationship, it bugs me how this seems to be enough for him, I asked him would it always be like this 'just a coffee' and his reply was 'how do I know the future' .... Hmmm

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/07/2022 19:25

I think I'd give this one a swerve op. You've just came out of one abusive relationship and you're already 7 months into seeing someone else who is treating you shabbily.

You would have been wise yo take a couple of years single, reading up on how to spot red flags and abuse. Because your boundaries are not where they should be after years of corrosion from abuse.

You aren't OK with the way he treats you. Which is understandable considering he is treating you like last priority in his life and like a dirty little secret. So tell him to sod off!

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 15/07/2022 19:26

I dated someone like this, turned out he was in a LTR with someone else and also having an emotional affair with another woman. He really wasn't that bloody wonderful either. Sorry OP I reckon there's a reason you're being kept away/secret.

stupidly · 15/07/2022 19:27

What does he say about this?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2022 19:28

Tell him to say hello to his wife for you.

Block this waster, op.

Homewardbound2022 · 15/07/2022 19:30

No dates on weekends very suspicious.

Original poster
Mumontherun24 · 15/07/2022 19:31

@Pinkbonbon I agree, I know I should have taken that time out for myself, even now I find it really hard in my new relationship as the past still haunts me, I have days where I just keep breaking down, and the thing is he always brings me back up, he does seem genuine but this hiding me away is really getting me down the last few days. I don't think I should be feeling like this 7 months in if it was a healthy relationship, I think he may be given his cards pretty soon

OP posts: