Feel like I'm being kept a secret

[mumontherun24]

Seeing a guy for 7 months seems very consistent, kind lots of affection, attraction and I'm generally happy. He lives more than an hour from me and regularly makes the trip to see me which is good. Something has been eating away at me slowly and I'm fed up with it now to the point where I'm not taking his calls.
I know social media is not everyone's cup of tea I can take it or leave it, we are both on social media he's online a good bit , I post the odd picture tag friends etc, I notice he will never comment on my status, fine, I asked him about changing my relationship status and tag each other as together or posting a pic of us together (just wanted to see his reaction) he says no, social media is bullshit I don't want everyone knowing my business, which I found a bit odd

Anyway I've opened my home to him, come in for coffee etc he's met my kids my friends, he on the other hand has never indicated that he wants any of his family to meet me. I'm starting to notice when he's spending time with his family he never contacts me, only contacts me when he's away from them, I'm starting to wonder and it's getting me down, he's great in all other ways but I feel like I'm a secret, and I'm sad because I know if this is the case I'm going to have to break up with him as I feel he should be shouting from the rooftops that we are together instead of the opposite, he never really talks about the future, I feel he's seeing me as a bit of a "ok for now girl"

Lately he has family over from abroad to stay with him and the only thing or time I'm being offered together is a coffee at my house. When he's finishing work. (I'm guessing this is because his family think he's still working and won't know he's with me) the only time he is offering me is on his way home from work for a coffee, I'm not happy with that I need more, he Says it's hard for him to give time to work family and me.
No dates at weekends or anything, it's like he has to be home by a certain time or he doesn't want his family to know where he is, this behaviour only really started when his family came to stay, he lives with siblings also.

Just for back ground he was the one who did all the pursuing, said he loved me, wants a relationship with me, exclusive etc. What are you guys opinions please

Could easily have a partner who works shifts etc- and at the moment is on holiday etc. have you checked the electoral roll ?

We used to date at weekends but everything has changed since family came to visit its like he won't stay away from them for too long i can't put my finger on it

I did that once, everyone in the house fainted. He was really mad at me after. I just thought what the heck if he's not going to introduce me to his family I'll do it myself. Turned out he had a girlfriend lol

I don't think his answer about social media is weird, I have a fb account that I created many years ago but I log in maybe 3-4 times a year tops and never publish anything, just use the chat to keep up with friends. I'd certainly not publish my relationship status on there.

As for his family if he hasn't seen them in years I can understand wanting to make the most of the time they're there ?

Not wanting you to meet them may not be a reflection on you but them. My parents and brothers can be very difficult. I rarely see them and I love them, so if they came round (fat chance) I'd probably want to spend most of my time with them, but I certainly wouldn't want to expose my relatively new relationship to their potential toxic and intolerant comments. And I wouldn't want to give them ammunition to criticize me/us.

OP, how about you tell him directly what you say above ? Tell him you're beginning to feel like a secret and you don't like that, and you'd like to meet his circles. Not necessarily the family (if they're complicated there's no hurry to step in that specific viper nest) but his close friends at least. Maybe find a fun place to visit near his place and suggest an outing, you him and his friends so you can all meet ?

The outcome will be one of several :

• If you don't feel you can communicate that clearly with him, you don't have a healthy relationship. Run.
• If you ask and he évades/refuse, then he's not being honest with you about something. Doesn't matter what - run
• Or you ask and he introduces you, and you find out that he always comes round because he figures it's easier for you with your kids and he was being nice, or he has toxic parents and is ashamed of them/wanted to shield you of them.

One way or the other you'll know where you stand.

It's gotten worse the last few days as more of his family have arrived to stay, and all I'm being offered is a coffee on his way home from work so I haven't said anything about this yet as I was trying to be understanding about him spending time with them

He does live with adult siblings and I asked him do they know about me, he says they know he has a girlfriend and he likes to keep his life private from his family was his reply

My feeling would be he has actually started dating someone else new op and is using his family as excuse.

chalk this one up to a mistake to learn from op.

I know he made you feel better but the thing is, you shouldn't really use a man to heal you from another man. Because it's a plaster over a stab wound. You have to do the self work and take the time to heal.

You're also more at risk of other abusers and scummy sorts until you take the time to learn to spot them and rebolster your boundaries.

But you've made the progress of recognising this isnt right and you deserve better. So that's a good start. Get shot of this one and focus on yourself and your little ones for a while. You'll You'll pick better, when the time is right.

I think it sounds like you have inadvertently ended up the OW.

@Pinkbonbon this is bang on, everything you say is true I should not be using a man as a crutch but I did because I really enjoyed the affection, how silly, I need to take a step back and sort myself out first

Call his bluff, and suggest a weekend at his house, ‘to meet the family’ that are staying. Put a bit of pressure on him, and keep repeating it. If makes an excuse, try to suggest an alternative. Ie. There’s no room to stay - then you’ll stay at a premier in. He’s working late - then you’ll meet him straight from work.

Maybe post a picture if the two of you on your social media, and tag him in. See how he reacts.

Also, say you’re going to visit at the weekend, and don’t take no for an answer.

It's just human nature op, it's natural to like good attention. Especially when we've been having a bad time or treated badly by the last bloke.

But self love is the most valuable thing. And making choices that put you first will help you find your way back to yourself.

I did ask him to take me to his house one day and his sister told him no... He lives with her, he will take me there when everyone is away on hols when house is empty, that's how I know he's not married I've stayed in his room etc

Your intuition is telling you something is wrong- because it is! I had a very similar situation with a past boyfriend and it transpired he was living with a not so ‘ex’ partner! Run for the hills!!

He has someone else.
Thats why you never go to his, never any dates and he won' t get involved re your social media. Doubt very much he has family staying from abroad, more like his own wife and kids at home.
He is definately Mr Unavailable for a reason, there is a book called "Mr Unavailable and the fall back girl" and all these excuses are in it, its like a bible for women when it comes to cheaters and how they all sing the same old song, well worth a read.

That sucks OP :(

Two of my friends had that. Once with a Muslim guy who ‘loved’ her but didn’t want his family to know hr was dating a non-Muslim (he ended up dumping her once he’d used her for a while 🤬) and once with an Indian guy who saw her as his ‘just for now’ girl and kept telling her that he expected to marry within his own culture eventually.

If you’ve been together 7 months and you’re upset, in a healthy relationship you can tell him that he’s upset you and discuss solutions. If you’re not taking his calls
then that’s kinda childish. Why not instead answer them and tell him how fed up you are of being a secret girlfriend and that this has become a massive issue for you and either he starts integrating you into his day to day life or you both have to face that this isn’t going anywhere.

I’m going against the grain here it seems but I wouldn’t jump to conclusions just yet.

I wouldn’t base my relationship on how much someone posted on social media.

And it’s obvious that if he’s having family to stay he’s going to be less available than usual.

After only 7 months I wouldn’t be introducing someone to my family.

He could be a complete shit or he could be completely genuine.
However, I don’t think you are emotionally ready for a relationship right now and rushing into any relationship isn’t a good idea until you have healed from your last one.

You don’t trust him so it’s probably better to end things.
If you don’t want to end things then I’d try and keep things as casual as possible - so no meeting family or bring around the DCs etc.

@Metalandtea living with the ex. Unless I've missed something that already been said - that does strike me as a possibility. Something doesn't add up.