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Original poster

Catching feelings….

50 replies

Needtogivemyheadashake · 15/07/2022 17:26

Hello, after spending an intense few days abroad with a FWB I think I’m catching feelings! Had such a lovely time and now kicking myself for allowing myself to be in this position!
i met him online after my last relationship crashed and burned finding out my boyfriend had been cheating on me and was already in a relationship with someone else. There was so many red flags looking back and he was awful to me in so many ways.

after taking some time to move on I became quite cold hearted and vowed to never put myself in a position with someone who could hurt me. I used to be a person who was all about the love and hope.
So along came the FWB who was also long distance and it suited me perfectly! Problem is we have messaged almost every day inbetween catching up and when we do catch up it is always fun but I always distanced myself and just seen him as a friend. but over time lately I slowly got annoyed and jealous that he wasn’t professing his undying love for me and now I feel like I am falling for him!!
he hasn’t done anything wrong as he was always upfront about what he wanted out of this but he always jokes around asking if I miss him or if I’ve falling in love with him yet! I know it’s just a wind up and joking so i joke around too!
i guess I should just sack it off but do I be honest in my reasons for sacking it off?
one thing is after my last relationship I have developed an amazing ability to not chase anyone, to act distant and cold and to go quiet in an instance and disappear!!
i didn’t think this would happen but he has actually been able to warm my ice cold heart.

OP posts:
seaUrchinOne · 15/07/2022 17:35

Maybe his jokes are a hint on how he feels for you? If he didn't I doubt you'd hear that much from him. It's long distance could it work for you anyway?

Original poster
Needtogivemyheadashake · 15/07/2022 18:53

I would have thought the same but sometimes he likes to remind me NOT to fall in love with him! I sometimes think he wants me to tell him I am for the ego boost!

OP posts:
Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 18:56

I would stick it out as is for a while and try to show your personality more. If he enjoys that and is obviously enjoying sex with you these kinds of things can often turn into good relationships.🤘

B1rd · 15/07/2022 19:04

Does the FWB live abroad and you visited him? or did you both go on holiday together?

Original poster
Needtogivemyheadashake · 15/07/2022 19:07

His work is insane for the next while. He asked for me to join him in a few places and was sending links for stuff for us to do if I go. After the next month I may not be able to see him for a good while. After what happened to me in my last relationship I just wonder if I should cut my losses to prevent more hurt. I was burned really bad and I thought FWB would ease me in gently to at least enjoying some physical fun and he’s amazing in bed, makes me feel safe and makes an effort. Why did I go ruin it all by getting smitten.
i think this shows I’m not cut out for a FWB thing.

OP posts:
iklboo · 15/07/2022 19:09

I married my FWB. 18 years ago this October.

Original poster
Needtogivemyheadashake · 15/07/2022 19:19

He does live abroad although he’s hardly ever home due to work. I’ve met him in places he is working and he’s been to mine when he is in my area.
this all suited me down to the ground the last year because that’s all I wanted and he was far away and it was exciting to see him, we chatted all the time when apart etc and only now am I starting to fall for him!! Damn!!

OP posts:
seaUrchinOne · 15/07/2022 21:26

He's warned you not to fall in love with him so believe that. I don't think he would say that unless he meant it. Maybe he is just good for the fun times but doesn't want commitment.

Original poster
Needtogivemyheadashake · 15/07/2022 21:31

I would agree to believe what he says.

i think men enjoy the headfuck of being in the moment when together and then reverting back to normal in an instant.
he’s all gazing into my eyes, affectionate, sweet etc which does mess with your head then I get a moment of clarity.
he just video called me there and at the end joked that he thought he heard me say I love you 🙄

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 15/07/2022 21:40

Ooh dangerous ground there, do you feel like he realises you're feeling something more for him and he's enjoying the ego boost/ power imbalance a little bit too much? I'd dial it down a little bit, rather than go full cold no contact, try and find some middle ground and see how it progresses.

As for FWB, I married mine and am still head over heels years on, so it's not impossible! Not sure about the long distance bit though, not my speciality!

Original poster
Needtogivemyheadashake · 15/07/2022 22:31

It sometimes feels like he is goading me into saying it. He jokes a lot about it. Whenever he goes on about me falling I just eye roll and take the piss out of him 😬

OP posts:
Spanglybangles · 15/07/2022 23:02

Well I didn't marry my FWB, but we have been together 18 years now, have a mortgage and 2 children together….so as good as!!

We were longish distance (4 hour drive) but just spent more and more time together due to the distance really, as I would end up spending my days off at his after driving so far. He would do the same and here we are.

SettingsO · 15/07/2022 23:11

Well his joking about you falling in love with him sounds pretty immature - tell him that for someone supposedly just wanting a FWB he talks about love an awful lot!

Original poster
Needtogivemyheadashake · 15/07/2022 23:19

I’m 99% sure I’m going to sack it off after I next see him. But do I be honest and say the reason I am bowing out is because I have feelings? Or do I just act cold and say it’s not for me. the good thing about it all is that it has shown md that I can be attracted and fall for another man. I was so utterly heartbroken after my ex I thought I’d never move on.
im in s place now where I want to meet someone I can have a relationship with

OP posts:
dontbringthatbirdinhere · 15/07/2022 23:46

I would bow out but tell him why. If he feels the same, that's the perfect chance for him to tell you, and if he doesn't hopefully he won't be tempted to try to reel you back in.

seaUrchinOne · 15/07/2022 23:55

He's dangling this love thing in front of you, he wants you to fall for him because it boosts his ego ( who knows how he truly feels) but if he did, he shouldn't play silly games. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of you telling him about your feelings.
Scale it back, there's no harm in dating others as you're not committed to him or you could upfront with him and just say it's no longer working for you.
If he mentions you falling for him, remind him that you don't give your heart to a fwb!

Dazedandconfused10 · 16/07/2022 01:10

Why do you need to see him again? Just end it or tell him how you feel.

littleburn · 16/07/2022 02:11

Hmmm. I think all the 'are you falling in love with me' business sounds pretty egotistical/narcissistic. Like he wants the ego boost of knowing you're falling for him, but safe in the knowledge he can pull out the 'don't forget we're just FWB' card as and when it suits him and not be the bad guy.

If he is developing feelings then a mature person would start an exploratory conversation with you about that, whereas the jokey 'do you love me' talk just sounds like someone after an ego boost.

ouch321 · 16/07/2022 03:01

Just say you want to stop things as you've decided to look for something proper.

Then, if he is interested, that will give him the opportunity to say if he is interested in something proper with you without you having to tell him you like him.

Scampi89 · 16/07/2022 07:13

ouch321 · 16/07/2022 03:01

Just say you want to stop things as you've decided to look for something proper.

Then, if he is interested, that will give him the opportunity to say if he is interested in something proper with you without you having to tell him you like him.

Yes I agree.
Tell him you a ready to explore other relationships that have the potential for love and commitment. Don’t tell him you love him, see how he responds to this first. This might force him to either confess he loves you too, or if he doesn’t, allows you to walk away without giving him yet further ego boosts!

Original poster
Needtogivemyheadashake · 16/07/2022 07:48

Thanks for all the replies, I don’t know how to reply individually.
i think you guys are right that I shouldn’t tell him about my feelings. I’m not deluded in any way at all about it. When he joked last night about me loving him his response was “I like you alot”
as I’ve said I always join in with the jokes and taking the piss and many times before I’ve explained to him that there’s little chance I’ll ever allow myself to fall for someone so he needn’t worry!
i am over my ex completely which is good but I’ve definitely been left thinking I won’t experience proper love and that all men are just players. I was definitely the benchwarmer with my ex while he went looking for the woman he wanted to marry. Oh well!

OP posts:
Annoyedwithmyself · 16/07/2022 08:01

I think if you've set ground rules and he is constantly saying 'don't fall in love with me', then asking how you feel, pushing the idea of loving him onto you shows he is looking for flattery. He wants you to fall for him for his ego's sake. I think he's messing with you a bit, sorry.

Really odd thing to say, 'don't fall in love with me'. You've given him a chance now to express any feelings and he didn't say he was really into you (unless I have read that in the wrong tone).

You're right in that men seem to get get an emotional fix out of their FWB as well as sex and will act loving etc in the moment. God, I even had this on one very confusing first date when I was a lot less experienced!

Scampi89 · 16/07/2022 08:40

Please don’t feel like that… there is absolutely every chance you will find love again. And when you do it will be amazing. If that’s what you want and you’re not getting it from this fwb relationship then walk away and look positively towards your future. Take what you can from this fwb (knowing what pleasures you for example) and use it in the future.

Original poster
Needtogivemyheadashake · 16/07/2022 08:59

thanks. I feel silly at the minute because I just feel a bit down about it. I always seem to pick the unavailable ones! It would be nice to have it reciprocated for once.
he hasn’t done anything wrong, I know the script with it and it was a great experience overall and he certainly helped me move on from the past so for that I’m grateful!

OP posts:
YRGAM · 16/07/2022 10:34

I totally disagree with most of the posts in this thread - I think he likes you and wants to go exclusive, but is too afraid to say it/hedging his bets in case you reject him. If you're up for a relationship I'd just ask Jim straight up