Catching feelings….

[Needtogivemyheadashake]

Hello, after spending an intense few days abroad with a FWB I think I’m catching feelings! Had such a lovely time and now kicking myself for allowing myself to be in this position!
i met him online after my last relationship crashed and burned finding out my boyfriend had been cheating on me and was already in a relationship with someone else. There was so many red flags looking back and he was awful to me in so many ways.

after taking some time to move on I became quite cold hearted and vowed to never put myself in a position with someone who could hurt me. I used to be a person who was all about the love and hope.
So along came the FWB who was also long distance and it suited me perfectly! Problem is we have messaged almost every day inbetween catching up and when we do catch up it is always fun but I always distanced myself and just seen him as a friend. but over time lately I slowly got annoyed and jealous that he wasn’t professing his undying love for me and now I feel like I am falling for him!!
he hasn’t done anything wrong as he was always upfront about what he wanted out of this but he always jokes around asking if I miss him or if I’ve falling in love with him yet! I know it’s just a wind up and joking so i joke around too!
i guess I should just sack it off but do I be honest in my reasons for sacking it off?
one thing is after my last relationship I have developed an amazing ability to not chase anyone, to act distant and cold and to go quiet in an instance and disappear!!
i didn’t think this would happen but he has actually been able to warm my ice cold heart.

Him!

I told Jim once. Useless. 😁

I have fwb and my story is similar to yours. Although we chat a lot between meets, we have some rules/boundaries around affection when we're together. We don't do social stuff out and about, but do hangout at one of our houses and watch telly etc as part of our meet. But as I say, whilst we're general quite handsy and sexual with each other, we don't smooch and kiss except when we're gearing up for sex.

I do think he's great, but we are looking for different things so I do keep that in mind. I tend to choose fwbs who are like this deliberately, it puts space between us and prevents getting too close or confused.

If you want to keep sleeping with him, then I think a frank discussion about some boundaries will help. But if you're already feeling things, maybe a slow retreat.

I agree that he might be looking for an ego boost on the whole 'are you falling for me' thing. Be careful of that. You could nip it in the bud and say to him that him reminding you of this all the time is not actually that helpful.

Not everyone wants a relationship, so I find my friends go 'you never know, it could develop into something' because they can't understand the concept of being happy out in a relationship or the unconventional nature of fwb. And that put seeds in your head you don't want sometimes.

I am happy in my life. I was in such a terrible heartbroken place after years of emotional trauma from my ex. I stuck out the feeling like shit and kept going and kept doing things like going to the gym, accepting invites from friends, I bought a house, I grafted in my new house and I’ve had a great time with my FWB. I think now I’ll just getting to a place where it would be nice to be exclusive with someone and be able to tell someone I love them and have them say it back!
but compared to 18 months ago I am such a better place!!

I am reading in to this that he is the one that is 'catching feelings' hence bringing it up all the time. Next time he brings it up, tell him how you feel as you have nothing to lose if you are planning on ending it anyway. Good luck.

I'm inclined to think the same.

I would be SO annoyed that he is joking like this about whether you are falling for him - if indeed he is 'catching feelings' then the way he's responding by saying he likes you a lot and leaving it there is not indicative of this being his motive for raising it.

Honestly, in your shoes I would tell him that you don't think you are cut out for FWB because you think you are developing an attachment to him beyond FWB. Are you claiming to be exclusive with each other?

I would urge you to end it if he does anything other than tell you that he too is developing feelings - I tend to be like you in these situations and the feelings don't disappear, we just convince ourselves we can handle it but inside it's like we're throwing ourselves under the bus and it's utterly demoralising as time goes on.

My last 'relationship' was basically a FWB although I developed more feelings than he did and it was never defined properly other than him saying he struggles to do 'conventional relationships'. It took me a long time to get over it but I'm so glad now that it ended because I can now see that it was no good for me to continue to accept less than I wanted. Not his fault either, but he's never going to change.

Yeah never again will i hope a man changes his mind about a relationship!! Those days are over!!

I think it could easily go either way. He could be an egotistical little grub of a man manipulating you, or he could be hinting (clumsily) that he’s developing feelings too.

Don’t meet him again, have the chat on FaceTime. Say you’ve realised you want love and commitment and that means you have to move on and say goodbye. Then “If you do have any feelings for me now is the time to say.”

Well done on working hard to build your life up so successfully OP :-)

Walk away.

Dont tell him why either as it will just be temptation for him to try string you along.

I was in a fwb relationship years ago after I had ended a long term relationship. The guy told me not to fall in love, but I did and it hurt like hell when he left me. I secretly hoped he might change his mind, but he didn't. To this day I don't why I was so infatuated with him. It was just mesmerizing.
I had had a few fwbs years before him and never cared too much.
If you feel as if you are falling for him, then perhaps you should take a break or something so as to clear your head and figure out what is really happening with you.

I think part of it is the excitement of it all and because it’s long distance. It’s all very intense, romantic and passionate when we meet up. We meet up in beautiful cities and I think I get carried away! He’s asked me to meet up in august at another few lovely places. After that it won’t be possible for us to see each other for a long time as his next destination is too far away for me to be able to sort out time off for etc. so in my eyes that would be the end of it. Not sure whether I should even go or not as I would struggle not to be sad when I was saying goodbye.
i know since my last relationship I haven’t always been the easiest and I’ve been a very closed off person but he always seems to be able get me to open up to him.
im sure if I seen him day in day out it wouldn’t be so exciting!! I just try to remind myself of that.

My ex barely wanted to go anywhere with me so at least I’ve renewed my confidence with travelling and seeing new places!
that I will continue with whether it’s with someone else or on my own!

Speak your truth, find out how he feels, and act accordingly. Stop stringing yourself along.

but over time lately I slowly got annoyed and jealous that he wasn’t professing his undying love for me

Yet you’re criticising him for potentially wanting a similar ego boost. Maybe you both feel a bit affronted the other one hasn’t yet declared stronger feelings? Or perhaps his jokes mean he, too, has developed deeper feelings. The only way you’d know is if you asked but that’s obviously a pretty big risk given the jokey nature of you both saying don’t fall in love.

I think as I need to end it anyway I would say something. I’d rather be the one in control and walk away rather than me dragging it out for him to eventually end it. I don’t want to hurt myself again. With my ex I was utterly deluded and looking back I should of ended it a million different times. So I’ll thinking I’ll be less sad now than I would be if I fall more and more for him.
i may well have one last blast with him though then that’s it! The timing is perfect as we wouldn’t even have the chance to see each other for ages after a last meet up

It just sucks as I have really grown to like him and I’m annoyed that I can’t seem to have the ones I really want!

Is this just modern life? Noone is able to actually have a conversation about anything?! Why on earth can't you just say "yes, I have fallen in love with you, what say you to that?" The two possible outcomes are him feeling the same, or him not feeling the same, surely?! So you go your separate ways or you try having an actual relationship, one of which you're planning to do anyway, the other which you actually want to do, so why not just have the conversation? If it goes badly you don't ever have to see/speak to him again, or maybe it goes well and you get to go on adventures with this guy you have these strong feelings for!

Yeah. I agree

Meh! He said something that annoyed me yesterday anyway, when I said I was looking forward to seeing him he basically sent an emoji reply of peering through his fingers and said “no way”.
im not responding to that! I’m keeping quiet

Believe me this is what is happening. They want the girlfriend experience.

It’s totally what it is. He appears to be a confident guy….if he wanted something more I’m sure he would tell me!

It’s totally what it is. He appears to be a confident guy….if he wanted something more I’m sure he would tell me!

exactly, and he was confident enough to say fwb and don't fall in love with him - like his ego is so overinflated he just assumes you would.

If he wanted more, he definitely would made it known.
I think the reason is, he doesn't want to settle with one woman.

If I were you, I'd just let this fizzle out and look to date men that want a relationship, if they can't offer what you want then onto the next. Don't have time for anyone that keeps you in a certain zone, know your worth.

I think he's just playing with you. For some men, it's a game. He's served a purpose for you, but I think it would be a good idea to break it off, as it will all be game playing if you don't

Yes I'd go for a final holiday and make the most of it. Use it as your way of saying goodbye too. You'll probably notice things about him that annoy you! He's immature and wants his cake and eat it by goading you with the "did i hear you say i love you" comment. Its an ego trip.

When you get home dont tell him you have feelings. Id just say that you're now looking for a long term relationship with exclusivity and commitment. You know he cant offer you that so you need to move on.

FWB has served its purpose; you now need to make the next step. You've come an amazing way since your break up. Enjoy the next chapter of your life x