Man goes back and forth from ow to wife - why??

[Claimthemoon]

My friends husband cheated on her and left her for ow. He then would come back multiple times to the wife, full of false promises then a week or two later would go quiet, then pulled the “iM confused, don’t know what I want, need to be alone bla bla bla” and then a few weeks later be back with ow. This went on a long time (friend clearly has low self esteem and boundary issues and as far as friend is aware, the ow wasn’t aware of each time he went back to wife).

My question is, other than being a narcissist, why does he do it? How can he not know what he feels and also that he is treating both women deploringly ?

He likes the drama? Makes life a bit more interesting?

Maybe because he gets sexual needs satisfied with one and security/safety needs satisfied with the other? There will be some reason, some need/want he’s getting satisfied from each of them, otherwise he wouldn’t carry on.

The question for your friend is whether she’s going to use the situation as an opportunity to develop her self-worth and boundaries and get what she wants from life, or whether she’s going to carry on letting him walk all over her.

Because shagging and having 2 women wanting him is an ego boost.

Because he can

Because he can. Those women can't have much self respect to be treated this way.

Same reason why leaders of cults have multiple wives but expect the wives to only have one man

Because he can? Huge ego boost. His wife should obviously tell him to fuck off.

Ýes, because he can. And he can brag about it. He can only do it because they allow themselves to be doormatted in this way. What a catch 🐀

It's because he's started having to do "real life" with the OW and it's not as much fun anymore. He's in a tailspin because he no longer knows what he wants.

When he was having an affair, it was great. Wife was at home giving him all the stability and doing the boring stuff like sharing the chores, childcare if there were any etc. All so unglamorous, yuck, how unattractive etc. Whilst with OW he was presumably spending his time perving on her in lingerie, having jolly outings and lots of sex. Plus getting the thrill of going behind your friend's back.

Now suddenly when he leaves his pants on the floor or doesn't do the washing up, OW nags him in the way his wife used to. Or she insists on dragging him around a DIY store or asking him to put up some shelves. Suddenly the OW isn't fun anymore, he has to start seeing her as a normal person rather than a fantasy.

However, when he goes back to his wife, it all becomes thrilling again. And then he gets into this cycle.

There's an easy way to end the cycle. Kick the selfish bastard out and don't look back. It's what I did to my ex-wife - eventually after being treated like crap for years.

Most questions "why does he..." can be answered with BECAUSE HE CAN.
Nobody call him out, every party concerned is apparently glad to welcome him back in their lives. Until one of the women sends him walking, he'll do whatever he can to get his dose of validation.
Your friend should give him him a boot up the backside so he never ever returns.

He thinks both women are mugs. They should both dump him!

Brilliant summing up by @BetterFuture1985

Cheaters are most concerned about their feelings. He doesn't care about the women as long as they are fucking him and cleaning and washing for him.

As a pp said this only ends when one woman says no more. Ideally both will but it looks like they are both waiting for the other to jump first

Well the question to me is why would you bother?

I have a friend who is the OW and this charade is also gojng on years. Although it looks like she might finally have “won” 😵‍💫 as he’s stuck with her for a few months and he’s met her children now.

Just out of sheer laziness/desire for a less complications would rule me out of doing this!

I don’t even think sex is necessarily the driver, I know my friend has health issues that would affect this. Are they just dreadful decision makers????

Because he can, because both women are daft enough to let him. It wouldn’t matter how much he wanted to do it, if both women told him to fuck off he wouldn’t be able to would he? They don’t, and he wants to, so he does.

“Most questions "why does he..." can be answered with BECAUSE HE CAN.
Nobody call him out, every party concerned is apparently glad to welcome him back in their lives. Until one of the women sends him walking, he'll do whatever he can to get his dose of validation.
Your friend should give him him a boot up the backside so he never ever returns.”

This with bells on. A more pressing question might be “why does your friend tolerate it?” But in truth - why someone does something is rarely the point. I mean, there isn’t an explanation which would make his behaviour okay, is there? For me, the more important questions are (i) what is he doing?; (ii) how does your friend feel about it; and (iii) what’s she going to do about it? She needs to reclaim her power here.

What I should have added and others have hinted at is to question why the two women let him do this. In the case of the wife, I understand it. When I first found out my ex-wife was cheating I was scared of coming off badly in the divorce, the stigma of being divorced around friends and family and concern about what it meant for the children. It takes a long time to get mentally strong enough to end things.

For the OW though, I don't really get it. Why would they want to stick around with someone they shouldn't have got involved with in the first place and who keeps dumping them for his wife every couple of weeks?

Because they let him. He’s having a great old time with two women after him and they’re enabling him. Why wouldn’t he continue?

The question should be why do these women allow him to do this

He likes both and gets assets from both; enjoyable time together, a date, validation.

But he knows he can get these assets without any commitment from him, because both women allow him to.

There's no incentive for him to change.

Perhaps his needs aren’t being met with his wife and she has issues but he has love and loyalty for her, but then the reality of her hits and he goes running back to ow. Bad situation for him and her, guess OW is hoping he’ll end things with his wife.

He gets all the lovely trauma bonding and them competing to make him happy while he can be utterly shit.

Their self-esteem must be in the toilet.

I can imagine they’re so desperate to have him back that they literally do anything he wants at first.

It then starts slipping after a while and they don’t drop to their knees instantly as soon as he clicks his fingers so he goes back to the other one knowing they’ll do anything he wants because they’re so grateful to have him back.
Then once the honeymoon period ends with her he just goes back to the other one and the cycle continues.

The reality is he doesn’t like either of them but I can’t feel sorry for them as surely they can already see that by the way he treats them.

Fortunately, someone else will come along one day who he does actually like and he’ll end up getting with her and not giving these 2 women a second look.

Hopefully then they’ll realise how badly they’ve been treated and work on their self respect to be able to find someone who genuinely likes them.

@Sarahthecactus Are you for real?
He is an absolute prick who is only thinking about 'his little prick'.
There is nothing wrong with his wife and why does she need to meet all his needs? Oh poor little man, his wife isn't bending over backwards to make him happy therefore he is entitled to go and screw someone else and treat his wife horribly. No he isn't loyal to his wife, otherwise he wouldn't be shagging someone else. No he doesn't love her otherwise he wouldn't be treating her like this.
Sort your thinking. It is appalling. You are advocating this shitty man's behaviour

@Claimthemoon get your friend to read the book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. It will rid her of this abhorrent man. She deserves so much better. He deserves shit