Man goes back and forth from ow to wife - why??

[Claimthemoon]

My friends husband cheated on her and left her for ow. He then would come back multiple times to the wife, full of false promises then a week or two later would go quiet, then pulled the “iM confused, don’t know what I want, need to be alone bla bla bla” and then a few weeks later be back with ow. This went on a long time (friend clearly has low self esteem and boundary issues and as far as friend is aware, the ow wasn’t aware of each time he went back to wife).

My question is, other than being a narcissist, why does he do it? How can he not know what he feels and also that he is treating both women deploringly ?

Because he can. His wife takes him back, the OW doesn’t know ( or doesn’t want to know) he goes back to his wife. It’s drama, it’s power, it’s a fantasy life.
Friend was the OW ( he told her he was “ going through a divorce” when they met, she then found he was still with his wife and he couldn’t leave because of multiple reasons) He did same, moved in with her, went back to wife, back to her, she told him to piss off and he still ( after two years) still texts her. He likes the drama, the secrecy, the manipulation of two women.

He can because they let him, simple as that, some women have low self esteem sadly and put up of with all manner of rubbish.

Low self esteem is definitely at the heart of it. These men (or women I guess) seek out people with low self esteem and generally find what they're looking for because most cheats are people with low self esteem trying to validate themselves.

Turns out they've got low self esteem because they're scumbags with quite accurate self awareness though 😂

Of course, the wronged spouse also takes a knock to their self esteem and you're left with a triangle that the serial cheat bounces around in until the wronged spouse gets their self esteem back - which they always do in the end - and finally ends things.

The obvious answer is that he's torn and is unable to make the final choice. If he chooses one, he will miss the other.
Perhaps it's not the obvious answer though and he gets off on some aspect of it - like having a harem.
It could also be that it massages his ego to know that he can do what the fuck he wants and still be forgiven.

He does it because both women let him. If they actually thought they were worth more, then they would tell him where to go

I've been the wife. Desperate for him to come back so I could have my comfortable little life with someone to support me with the kids. Even though the reality was very different and he was nothing but an arse the entire relationship.

He did it because he could. Because he got the stability and the family life from me and the excitement and freedom from her. He enjoyed all the attention and drama and playing the victim whenever we kicked off over his actions.

Once I eventually wised up and left him to his silly OW, the reality of that soon caught up and it hit the fan with her too. It was messy and I was the one who came out golden.

Tell your friend to wise up, look at the bigger picture and get out there and get herself a fun rebound.

Yep, this is where it always goes in the end. Wife (or in my case husband) takes massive hit to self esteem, put up with things we shouldn't out of fear but the experience toughens us up slowly over months or in my case years until we suddenly decide enough is enough. Cheat is kicked to OW/OM who they have to start doing "real life" with which takes away the fun (e.g. step kids, dirty underpants, blocked drains) and normally within about 6 months that relationship is over too.

Because he is deeply in love with himself and has a gigantic ego.

He does it because they allow him to.

I think you'd be surprised at what a cheating man is really like. The stereotype of the prick with an enormous ego doesn't - in my experience - reflect the kind of men my ex-wife was cheating with. There are men who will just go from woman to woman but these bloated egos (and all know a few!) tend to avoid relationships in the first place don't they?

My wife had affairs with five men and I identified three of them. One I threatened to out online and he came snivelling back about his long term depressive illness and he begged me not to tell his wife. In hindsight I could have probably demanded money from him or something, although checking him out on social media I think he was a bit of a low earner who sponged off his wife too. I couldn't bring myself to tell her, the guy was just too pathetic 😂

The second was one I caught through a cheating website being left open. A lengthy conversation, mostly him, of the most self pitying kind whinging his life. It's not all "look at the size of this love" it was more about how his wife was mean to him the poor love (probably because he was a snivelling, self pitying dickhead).

The last I actually caught in person. I never really figured out who he was but what sticks in my mind is that he ran away without a second thought for the safety of my ex-wife. He didn't know me, I'm a big guy and very tall and he wouldn't know that when it comes to violence I make Ghandi look like Rambo! He basically just scarpered without a second thought to the welfare of his affair partner which I think is just cowardice that is off the scale and far from the macho image of the male cheat.

For anyone really interested in the psychy of the cheat I'd encourage them to go and look at one of these affair sites. The people on there are not all talking about sex, mostly they're all whining about how sad their lives are.

You know what a narcissist is right?

One - He doesn't care who he hurts. Nobody else's feelings are relevant. Unless it's how he can use them to further manipulate the person.

Two-when he says he is confused about what he wants. He isn't talking about his feelings. He is talking about what he is in the mood for. Like, today he wants chocolate ice cream, tomorrow he might want vanilla.

He wants whatever toy he puts down too. Not because he actually wants to play with it but because in his mind, it's his property. So it isn't allowed to wander off or be picked up by someone else.

If you are going to call someone a narcissist, please educate yourself as to what that actually means. Because although it sounds like you are likely right in this case, it's not wise to band the term around willy nilly.

It's easy to confuse a cheat and a narcissist but a cheat is more like a drug addict and the affair is the drug. There's even similar brain chemistry going on with cheats and crack addicts.

That's why reconciliation only works with no contact. Bouncing back and forth is actually worse than the affair itself because they can't even be bothered to hide their addiction anymore.

To feel significant. To display his relevance.

Goodness me you do like popping up and mentioning men's 'needs' a lot don't you?

Men are perfectly capable of using their big boy words and telling their partners what is missing from their relationship.

And then using their big boy, grown up actions to leave if they aren't happy with the outcome of that conversation.

No man (or woman) 'needs' to lie and cheat in order to get a shag outside of the relationship.

You're confusing wants and needs.

If he 'needs' a relationship in which he's sexually fulfilled and that isn't the one he has with his wife, he should leave her before shagging someone else.

👏

Bravo