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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

trust issues with partner

29 replies

timjohn123 · 15/07/2022 08:48

I've been seeing a great woman for coming up to 6 months now. For the most part its been a great experience and a healthy relationship..we make a lot of time for each other by seeing each other 3-4 times a week, have fun dates and have great sex life..We're also planning our first holiday.

The one issue that's overshadowing this however is trust issues on her part. I find that if she calls unexpectedly when I'm outside doing something as trivial as grocery shopping she will assume I'm not being honest and think I'm somewhere else...If I'm out with friends she will go distant even if I tell her in advance where I am or if I decide to be spontaneous and watch a movie without mentioning it she will get overwhelmed...

We've sat down and talked about this quite a lot (its been happening every week for at least a month now) and she's mentioned she's finds it hard to trust due to issues with her dad and previous relationships (previous man she saw was texting other women and not caring about her)

I'd like to know how I'm supposed to navigate this? I thought texting everyday and being open and honest was enough. I don't have female friends and live a relaxed lifestyle too.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/07/2022 09:03

"She's mentioned she's finds it hard to trust due to issues with her dad and previous relationships"

And that is why she is not able to trust, that is the crux of it. Unless she decides to get therapy or counselling to unravel all of the above, she will continue in the same vein in her relationships and this will only serve to corrode your relationship.

Its her issue to address but is she willing to seek help for this now?. You in turn are her boyfriend of six months, you are not a sort of rehab centre or her therapist and should not act as either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/07/2022 09:04

Ultimately if there is no trust there is no relationship. I would put the holiday plans on hold for now.

parenthood1989 · 15/07/2022 09:08

I'd like to know how I'm supposed to navigate this?

I could r be doing with it tbh. Maybe it's an age thing because I'm mid 40s but years ago I would have stupidly continued a relationship like this thinking it would work itself out. The truth is it really won't and she needs help. Not your problem to fix.

parenthood1989 · 15/07/2022 09:09

couldn't

Watchkeys · 15/07/2022 09:23

You're not supposed to be navigating it. Her circus, her monkeys. You be yourself, and if the relationship isn't right for you, you leave.

traintraveller · 15/07/2022 10:37

She says she has trust issues and is using that as an excuse to manipulate you into not going out with your friends. Five months in and she's showing her true colours. This will not get better no matter how often you discuss it and its not your issue to fix. Run.

Bookworm20 · 15/07/2022 10:59

The best way to deal with it is to always be honest. When someone has trust issues, even the slighhtest little lie, however innocent, can send them spiralling and questioning everything else. If you really like her, this can work as she will eventually trust you, you just have to earn it because of her past, as opposed to most people who can trust automatically.

if she asks questions, reassure her and answer them. Be open and honest, thats pretty much it. Not saying it will be easy, but if you want to have a relationship with her, there will times you'll want to pull your hair out in frustration, but just remember, its not personal to you. Shes likely been extremely hurt in the past and just needs a bit of help at times.

Shedcity · 15/07/2022 11:03

You’ve been together less than 6 months
I just can’t see how you’re describing this as a great relationship

this isn’t something you can fix (unless you actually are behaving poorly and it’s her intuition telling her something genuinely is wrong)
she has to go to therapy
and you need to think about why someone who calls you all the time and effectively calls you a liar and a cheat, and whom has to be informed of any decision or plan you may make well in advance (controlling) is someone you think is great.

trezzi · 15/07/2022 11:04

She needs to be single, she needs to get therapy and work on herself for as long as it takes to feel more comfortable within herself. These are her issues not yours. Once she's done that (could take years) then she should think about a new relationship when she is ready to do so.

There are so many threads like this at the moment. These people don't tend to realise that they need to fix themselves before they do anything. Instead they start new relationships, expect their new partner to understand all their insecurities and it can lead to being a very controlling relationship....which in turn damages the innocent party. It's a vicious circle. Don't get trapped.

This isn't healthy. This isn't your problem to tackle. There are too many people like you op (me included) that will think it's their responsibility to take on a new partners insecurities. It's not. You will only end up going on a downward spiral yourself.

trezzi · 15/07/2022 11:13

Or as i recently said in a previous thread - she needs to take accountability for these actions. You say you are talking about it each week but what is she actually saying?

If making herself look like the victim which essentially means she doesn't think her behaviour is wrong as she's using past experiences as an excuse then I'd guess that nothing would change and you will live a life with her walking on egg shells.

If she's telling you that she has these issues, she's sorry for putting them on to you, she's going to work on her problems and expresses that they are not your problems to deal with then you may have something to work with.

There's nothing wrong with cheering her on from the sidelines but you cannot be the one to fix this. It lies with her.

Original poster
timjohn123 · 15/07/2022 12:00

appreciate all the feedback here and will take it into account. If I pushed this aside I can say that the time we spend together is great, its fun and there's a good connection. I think that's why I'm not keen to cut and run so quickly.

However trust is a pilar in a relationship that needs to be there..If its missing I feel like the relationship will end before it properly gets started.

A lot to think about. Thanks for all the help

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/07/2022 13:19

A relationship can't be judged by how good its good times are. Apparently Hitler was a really nice bloke to have a chat and a laugh with; intelligent, funny, good conversationalist, etc. We most likely could all have had fun spending time with him.

You have to look at what happens when things go wrong. That's how to judge a relationship: how does it deal with conflict.

Baileysoncereal · 15/07/2022 14:05

if you have to say
‘it’s good except…’
It’s not good.

sammylady37 · 15/07/2022 16:45

Bookworm20 · 15/07/2022 10:59

The best way to deal with it is to always be honest. When someone has trust issues, even the slighhtest little lie, however innocent, can send them spiralling and questioning everything else. If you really like her, this can work as she will eventually trust you, you just have to earn it because of her past, as opposed to most people who can trust automatically.

if she asks questions, reassure her and answer them. Be open and honest, thats pretty much it. Not saying it will be easy, but if you want to have a relationship with her, there will times you'll want to pull your hair out in frustration, but just remember, its not personal to you. Shes likely been extremely hurt in the past and just needs a bit of help at times.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

The op isn’t a rehab or therapy centre for this damaged woman. She needs to be single and sort out her issues, not carry them forward into new relationships and expect others to adjust to deal with them. That’s how some controlling relationships start.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 15/07/2022 17:03

The good times are how she keeps you in. She is doing it deliberately. You know this. You have spoken about it and she has done nothing to change how she deals with her own feelings.

That means that she fully expects you to do all the compromising. And that will inevitably mean not having friends, not being spontaneous, not being you.

Is that what you want? Is that really a great relationship?

You need to decide if this is what you want, forever!

Iflyaway · 15/07/2022 18:32

Apparently Hitler was a really nice bloke to have a chat and a laugh with; intelligent, funny, good conversationalist, etc. We most likely could all have had fun spending time with him.

Fucking hell!

Tell that to the millions he had ordered to be murdered.

You disgust me.

ImpartialMongoose · 15/07/2022 18:50

Everyone comes with baggage from previous relationships. This one is quite common in women who have been lied to and cheated on. Carry on being patient and just answer the questions honestly and don't get drawn into circular conversations. Once the honeymoon period wears off you may find it eases up anyway. If it doesn't then you may have to rethink.

sammylady37 · 15/07/2022 18:56

Iflyaway · 15/07/2022 18:32

Apparently Hitler was a really nice bloke to have a chat and a laugh with; intelligent, funny, good conversationalist, etc. We most likely could all have had fun spending time with him.

Fucking hell!

Tell that to the millions he had ordered to be murdered.

You disgust me.

Christ. Talk about missing the point. Spectacularly so.

Sarahthecactus · 15/07/2022 19:00

Sounds like she is emotional abusive and trying to justify it as an “issue” of hers so you will support her controlling beahviour of you and be “understanding” of it.
If this was a man posters would rip him a new one and it’s only sexism stopping them here - but not me, she is already controlling and a close relationship with her will feature emotional abuse - she’s told you as much.

LTB

Iflyaway · 15/07/2022 20:43

Christ. Talk about missing the point. Spectacularly so

Really? Why the fuck is he being brought into a thread that a woman wants clarity about her situation.

Try and put yourself into living in Europe mainland in 1939....

This place is getting more like the Daily Mail every day.

parenthood1989 · 15/07/2022 20:46

I actually thought Hitler was an interesting analogy. It made the point very strongly.

sammylady37 · 16/07/2022 07:29

Iflyaway · 15/07/2022 20:43

Christ. Talk about missing the point. Spectacularly so

Really? Why the fuck is he being brought into a thread that a woman wants clarity about her situation.

Try and put yourself into living in Europe mainland in 1939....

This place is getting more like the Daily Mail every day.

He’s being brought into the discussion to make the point that even the most vile, heinous of people can seem to have good points at times. But that those good points should not be enough to excuse or endure the awful behaviour. The op here posted something along the lines of “he’s great apart from when he does XYZ” and the Hitler post was basically saying “yeah, and Hitler was brill company, when he wasn’t plotting the murder of millions” to reinforce the point that if someone does something awful to you, them bring ice at other times isn’t enough to endure the awfulness.

sammylady37 · 16/07/2022 07:30

*being nice, not bring ice. Though if anyone wants to bring me ice today, please do! And be nice while doing it!

Original poster
timjohn123 · 27/07/2022 10:39

Appreciate all the input on this thread. Much bigger than I expected.

We've had a good few weeks but something happened this morning that I'd like help to understand...

I was at my partners house this morning and I was chatting with her room mate. I heard she was potentially being kicked out of the country due to not being able to find work..I offered to introduce her to some contacts I have to help her out as I work in recruitment and wanted to offer support.

When my partner heard about it she blasted me saying why I offered help, she's a tenant not a friend, she's young and wants to go back to her home country (Hong Kong) and claimed I've made things confusing..

I'm trying to understand her side..Am I overstepping for offering help?

She was saying things like why are you taking her contact details, what do you want from her/What's your intentions? Comments like this make me feel like she's being insecure with the fact I'm helping a woman and concerns on if I'm going to be secretly messaging her, doing something sinister, etc..

OP posts:
Original poster
timjohn123 · 27/07/2022 10:45

Part of my nature is help people..Particularly on the recruitment side its second nature as its something I've done for 7 years. However I'm feeling like regardless of what my intentions are I'm put on trial and a suspect on anything I say/do at this point..

OP posts: